[JRobot]

Hi All -

After your collective wisdom calmed me down on the fact that our home study will take several months, I have another burning question of impatience. As background, we are starting foster-to-adopt and interested in a sibling group. I want to know the pros and cons of making an admittedly premature inquiry about kids from a photolisting.

Here's the situation. We saw a pair of brothers listed on our state website and feel so strongly drawn to them. They look as if they could be our biological children, and share some somewhat unusual interests and personality quirks. They fall into the "hard-to-place" category and are one of the ones featured in a heart gallery.

I did the "inquire about these kids" form a month or two ago. I got the three-page profile plus the contact info for the kids' SW (in retrospect, I think that sending this to us might have been a protocol mistake on the part of the website administrator, but we have it none-the-less). We're still very interested in the kids after having more of their full story. I've been re-reading it daily and checking every day to make sure the kids are still on the site. I know it sounds silly, but I really feel like I have a true connection to these boys, as does my wife.

But we are not supposed to do anything about this feeling. Officially, our state does not forward inquiries to Social Workers until a homestudy is complete. Our homestudy SWer (private agency) is very by-the-book and will not contact the kids' worker until we have the completed one.

My question is: what would happen if I sent the kids' worker a note explaining who we are, where we are in the process, and expressing interest in the kids IF it seems as if it would be a match?

I know I'm not *supposed* to do this; I also know that it's the job of the heart gallery and the state social worker to be finding a home for these kids. If they found a family that wasn't already homestudied, they would work with that family. So why couldn't we be the "found" family? I feel strongly that we could be that home and that these could be our kids.

Any advice?

Thanks!
-Jay.

[JRobot]

One more detail - we are still probably two months away from finishing the homestudy, due largely to the timing of our classes (any paperwork under our control is done or almost done).

[stevenstwin]

I can't see any HARM in it. I think the worst thing that could happen might be that they ignore it as irrelevant, but I don't see any possible negative consequences. I originally sent a completely unsolicited email to a student's foster care worker telling her I'd be happy to be his foster or adoptive parent if there was ever a future need ...and that is exactly what ended up happening (even though I hadn't even started the process or even considered it before).

[Hadley2]

I don't know a lot about this end of things as it is not how we came into fostering and adopting, but I think the whole point of these public galleries is to generate interest in the kids. It would be pointless to put them out there if they weren't taking inquiries from everybody and anybody, home studied or not.

Your agency won't make the referral because that would be vouching for you as an adoptive resource and it can't vouch for you yet. There is nothing, I think, that prohibits you from inquiring just because you are in the process of getting licensed vs. somebody who hasn't even thought of starting it. If they can inquire, I don't see why you can't.

Good luck with this. I hope all works out well for you and the boys.

[Shelly77]

I would send the note as long as you are clear and upfront about the process and where you are in the process.

Also, I think it would help if you cold articulate reasons you think that the fit would be good (activities that you see yourselves doing as a family with them, etc).

If it is the right fit, and it was meant to be, they may wait.

However, don't get TOO attached ... There may be another family in your situation who is also a good fit for the boys.

Good luck.

[JRobot]

OK, we sent off an email yesterday. Now I'm on pins and needles every time I check my email, even though we're pretty sure it's a long shot to even hear from the caseworker...

I'm am trying not to get TOO attached (thanks, Shelly!) but it's SO HARD...

[txwannabemom]

Have hope... I emailed about my daughter before I was homestudied. They choose a different adoptive mom, but when that fell through and I was still asking about R, they remembered me and took my extended and dedicated interest seriously. Now shes been home for 3 1/2 weeks. Being interested in children is always a good thing. It's ok to be proactive.

[joskimo]

If it's your homestate and you are licensed foster parents, it's not a big deal at all, they can place the kids with you even without your homestudy completed. It has to be done to adopt, but I'd go for it.

[MilehighDad]

I think it was good to send the note. There is always a chance that anything you do will offend someone, but the truth is that you are only doing it because you care and are genuinely interested. Through the whole process, you may have to keep poking your head in to keep pushing for the same reason and with the same risk. Many times in our story, that is the only way we ever made any progress. Keep it up!

[JRobot]

Thanks, all! I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it.

If I knew how to insert a smiley-face I would.

[o2b30again]

We were matched with our first three prior to even having our homestudy completed. Granted we were in the same state. I think that does make a difference. It is great that you are excited but please remember that adoption is just as emotional, if not more so, then being pregnant. There are so many factors that just pop up out of no where. SW, CW etc all give there opinion but you just never know until court and the ink is dry. Photolistings tend to be vague and needs of the children aren't always easily read between the lines in the profile. If you don't hear back from this CW keep looking. Your child is out there. Many have said that their child just found them and the time was right. Your time too will come. Best of luck to your family!!!

[MilehighDad]

Originally Posted by JRobot

Thanks, all! I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it.

If I knew how to insert a smiley-face I would.

Hmm, looks like a smiley face to me . . .

[cottonlily]

I'm wondering if you ever heard anything?

Our application had a section to complete if you were applying for a specific child. But we aren't one of those states that won't accept inquiries until homestudy is done.

I think what you're going through with the kids is normal. I had a particular fondness for a certain little boy who was 7 at the time (before we decided to adopt). I checked in periodically just to read his updates! Finally at the age of 10 he was adopted in August. I was happy he found a forever family but at the same time sad he would be "gone".

[JRobot]

Well, it's been two weeks since I sent the note, and I haven't had any word. I was glad that I sent it, and I think it made me feel as if I've done what I can do at this point. I still do check every day for the kids (they're still there), but now I'm more at peace with the idea that whatever works out for them - and us - will be for the best.

[cottonlily]

I think that's what shocked us most. We kept seeing him on the adoptuskids site but found out from the heart gallery he had been placed. Then we saw his picture on the adoption wall during our orientation meeting, but he's still on the site. But like you said I'm sure it was for the best.