[mamachell]

We are nearing TPR for our fd at the end of the month. birthmom has always visited faithfully (when not in jail/rehab, etc) but hasn't been able to complete anything else on her plan. Well, we are nearing the last of our visits before TPR and she came into the last vist crying and is obviously so sad about TPR coming up because she knows what the outcome (most likely) is going to be. We love our fd dearly and know that her birthmom really can't take care of herself much less a child but my heart breaks for her.

Anyone else have feelings of guilt and sadness nearing TPR?

[parenting-over-40]

Definitely! I was happy and sad all at the same time. As time goes on the guilt gets less (at least it does for me). However, she is definitely on my mind on Mother's Day.

We continue to pray for the birth family every night that they get the help they need.

[myForeverkids3]

My feelings are mostly excitment and relief for my kids. But, their is also a deep sadness that they are not able to be with their bio parents. I wonder how this will effect them as they grow up, if they will feel rejected or abandoned, and if they will feel like they fit in our family. I feel a lot of pressure to explain things to them the right way and not say the "wrong" thing.

Just know that you bear no responsibility for the situation that your FD is in. People should feel guilt when they have done something wrong, you haven't. So stop the guilt stuff! I think it's okay to have sympathy and compassion, just don't put any of the responsibility on yourself.

[greenrobin]

I didn't feel any happiness at all.

What I did feel was ambivalence, then sadness, and relief that we were nearing the end.

Our kids' first mom has multiple issues, but she loves the children. She was pretty faithful about visits, although she had a couple of times that she seemed to have simply dropped off the planet. Visits did not occur weekly until the very end, so it's kind of hard to explain, which in itself feels very weird.

I had to testify at the TPR trial. She was there, a total mess from a weekend of too much alcohol and drugs, still high when she arrived. I don't know if the crying started when she sobered up or before. I do know that she cried all through the trial and sobbed openly during my testimony.

Manipulative? Perhaps. But I think she just finally got it.

I took no pleasure in what I was asked to do. My kids still miss her. Likely, she misses them. But like myforeverkids3 said, I bore no guilt in this. I just love our kids.

Understand that you will feel what you feel. Don't deny it. Don't wish it away. Just feel it, process it, and let it go. The guilt isn't yours.

[o2b30again]

My answer is short and sweet. I thought "about **** time!" Sorry but it is true. I watched these kids go to visits only for the parents to not show. Promise them little things and NEVER follow through. Blame everyone BUT themselves for what was happening. It was always my fault or the counties. They just were raising their children the same way they themselves were raised. For me and our children TPR was our new beginning. Going into TPR I only felt relief that I could finally now help these little guys heal and feel completely secure.

[alex9179]

It was horrible. Biomom is our family (as are the children) so taking part in the trial and the aftermath has been emotionally taxing, to say the least. We truly wanted her to be able to parent them, but that isn't possible now or in a forseeable future. Even though we have done our best to support her efforts, we had to draw a line at some point and choose to be the kids' advocates. It sucked choosing sides, and I never want to be in that situation again. Unfortunately, the appeal may put us right back there again.

I understand the sorrow, and the relief for the uncertainty to end. I still don't feel good about it all, but committed. It's definitely a weird place to be. I can say that my feelings for the children have been released from constraint. I tried to keep the emotions in check before, but since the TPR I've allowed myself to think about a future with them and it's much easier than keeping all of those feelings at a distance. We have about a year before we know if we are going back to trial or moving toward adoption, so I've probably opened myself (ourselves) to a lot of heartache if it is remanded. Oh well, you can't know joy without pain!

[dachshunds4you]

I felt as you did. Bmom visited very rarely, except towards the end. She was young, only 18. No family ever came with her. Since I monitored most of the visits, we'd spend them talking. It was sad to see someone with so little to no support. When TPR date was set, she showed up by herself to the courthouse. She met my DH then and we spent the whole time talking with her. We were then called in and judge drilled her pretty strongly. She left the courtroom crying, and I was near tears myself. After it was over we went outside the courtroom and she and I hugged and cried for a while.

I left that day feeling horrible, and many days/weeks afterwards. It was such a bittersweet feeling. I was glad we could adopt our baby, but so sad that her bmom lost her rights.

I've called her twice since then. Her and I cried. She never had her baby, she was removed at birth, and she did nothing to get her back, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't feel something for these parents. What happens if we were in their shoes. We'd appreciate someone showing us empathy during this time. (I'm not referring to severe neglect and abuse.)

Your feelings will get better in time.

[Sdirector]

On our first one (13 years ago yesterday and the day before), we just had a trial, and then 2 and a half months until a decision. Upon the decision, we felt immense relief that he was now safe. She would not be able to abuse him or use him as a tool to get what she wants ever again. I was also angry that she had forced us all to do this, by not either taking care of her child, or having the sense to realize that she couldn't.

The next one, in June, (same person), was voluntary, but only after her twelve year old daughter told her that she wanted to be adopted, because she abused her and didn't feed her. At that point, what else can you do?

That one was surreal, because I remembered the first one, and how it had taken 18 months to get to that point, and we had to do it ourselves with no help. She put the family through so much grief, and now she was consenting. The whole thing was kind of amazing.

We just did TPR on birthdad last month. He had never met her in 12 years. He also had expressed to her caseworker that we would never allow his rights to be terminated. When it came down to it, he didn't show up (he was more concerned that his child support would continue if TPR didn't happen.) I was happy that it went that easy, but at the same time, I was sick about it. He couldn't take the time to show up and say, "I can't take care of her." Or perhaps, "I have never had a relationship with her, but I want to go on record as doing what is right for her." Or even for him to think that she was worth taking the time to show up for? Nothing.

It can definitely lead to mixed feelings. In the end, relief is what I feel.

[Happy_Cat]

This whole process has been incredibly emotional for me. TPR was no exception. There are times when I was so glad the woman would never be able to hurt the children again, but the overriding filing was that of sorrow. I know she loved (loves?) the kids, but I think she simply is incapable of taking care of them and is bordering on delusional. I was sad for her and sad for the kids.

[shaslove]

Someone asked me if I was happy our case plan is likely to be changed to adoption, and I said I was not happy. It is my family, and I hurt for them in way. I think I will feel relief too.