[Rinata]

Has anyone ever had a foster child that became available for adoption possibly because of concurrent planning or just a change in goals to adoption, and then decided for one reason or another not to adopt that child?

What was your experience and how did you feel about your decision not to adopt? Also how did your family and friends feel about your decision?

I have a fs who is 2 1/2 and I have chosen not to adopt him even though I've had him almost a year. My other fs I am adopting. My family is ok with my decision even though my mom has said she will miss him terribly, she agrees with my decision.

When he was originally placed with me I figured if it turned into adoption I would adopt him but now that it has turned to concurrent planning I don't want to adopt him. I don't feel bad about my decision just conflicted because I know that he is very bonded to my mom and it will hurt her when he leaves. She lives with me so she sees him on a day in day out basis. I feel that choosing not to adopt him is in his best interest.

[Withay]

I had a fd several years ago who became available for adoption. I chose not to adopt her because, while she had made progress while in my home I felt that a life-long committment to that particular child was not in her, nor my best interest. Simply put, we did ok as foster mom/foster child, but it would not have worked out longterm. She has been placed in a wonderful home and is doing well.

[hkolln]

Maybe your Mom can have a continued relationship when he moves to his adoptive home?

[cabbagepatchkid]

Maybe your mom could adopt him! I was 49 yrs old when I got my first placement--a brother/sister 2-1/2 yrs and 12 mo. When they later came up for adoption I adopted them. It's never to late to be a mom again.

[Rinata]

My mom isn't going to adopt him since she's 68 and knows that she could possible not be here when he graduates from high school. She would be 82 then so it really wouldn't be fair to him.

[Dhewco]

Posts like Cathy's (cabbagepatchkid) give me hope. I've wanted to be a parent since high school and have considered adoption for the last 11 years. I've determined that waiting until I find 'the one' or even 'the one right now' could deny me the chance. I am now 35 (36 in Oct) and will be 39 when I graduate college. Given time to find work in my new field and I could be 40 or 41 before I start in my new field. Therefore, in the extreme, I could be 41 or 42 before I pass my homestudy. It doesn't seem as hard now.

[Rinata]

I'm 44 and have a 17 year old bd that I had from my 16 year marriage. I divorced 19 months ago and still longed for another child. I had tried for 14 years to have another child and was unable to. I figure that even though I am now a single parent, it shouldn't keep me from being a parent again. I really feel that God has answered my prayer. After I walked in on my ex molesting the boys we were supposed to be trying to adopt. I finally understood why God didn't let me have another child. Had it been a boy it would have happen to him too. When I saw 'J' for the first time I knew he was the one God meant for me to have. I could never have given birth to a more precious child.

[mom2fabtwins]

My second placement started as a possible adoption. But as the children were here longer, I realized that they deserved more than I could offer. They had a mom and a dad and grandparents. I am single and my parents passed away a few years ago. They thrived while they were here (16 months), but need more than just me.

4 months before my 40th birthday, 3 day old twins were placed in my home. I held my breathe thru my physical questionaire. The last questions: Is there anything in your medical opinion that would indicate this person not living for 20 more years.....happily the answer was no.

I am not to the end of my journey yet (hopefully October), but so far so good. I should be 41 when the boys become mine - per the legal system. If I can do it you can too!!!!!

PS, I still harbor a secret desire for a daughter to go with my sons.....but I would glady accept a boy

[Rinata]

I dearly love my bd but not so sure I would want another daughter again. The drama can be very taxing. She's a good kid but when something doesn't go right for her its like the whole world is ending. It almost makes me want to laugh cause I know someday when she grows up she'll realize that the world doesn't end cause you can't find the other shoe or your hair didn't do exactly what you wanted it to do. If 'J's' bp end up having yet another child then I suppose I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

[loblaw]

Here's a wrench to throw into your question: My husband has bonded with our fs and wants him 100%, yet I haven't and feel that I don't want to adopt him. I feel this issue will threaten our marriage, yet do I adopt a child I don't really want just to save the marraige? Has anyone else had this problem?

[ScrapMonkey]

We had one newborn placed with us who was born drug exposed and his birth-mom wanted to work with an agency rather than have hime taken into foster care. She didn't have a plan in place at the time of discharge, so we took him as a very short-term placement until he went with his adoptive family. Turn of events, agency refuses to work with birth-mom. The weeks dragged on and his behaviors from the drug exposure were so severe that we got NO sleep for 6 weeks and we had a 9-month old and 3 year old already. When they finally asked if we would be an adoptive resource, we said NO and begged them to find a fost/adopt home for him. A family came THAT DAY and got all mushy-eyed for this adorable baby. I begged them to only agree to a weekend respite and bring him back Monday. If they wanted to accept the placement, great, I'd have his stuff packed. If his behaviors were too much for them, I would be thankful for the weekend respite but I would understand. They came to thank me for that request... and they chose to keep him anyway. I saw him a few months later, fat and happy and we saw them again on his adoption day, the day we also adopted our second son.

Sorry for rambling, but my point in sharing this story is that a child who is not a perfect fit for you is someone else's dream come true. It is such a good feeling to have loved him for 6 weeks and know that we toughed it out so he could be with THAT family who adores him.

[ookpix]

I also am in a case with 3 fc who have been in my home and I have chosen not to adopt. God has made it very clear to me that He has another family for these kiddos. A is 2.5, M is 1.5 - I got them 19 months ago when M was 5 weeks old, and L is 8mon - he was placed with me at birth.
The hardest thing for me also is the effect these kids leaving has on those around me who love them (my parents, church family, etc). I feel like this is MY choice and it doesn't feel fair sometimes that they have to suffer loss too. That said, I have talked to them all about it, and tried to incude them as much as possible to give them a transition too. My parents and others have written letters to send with the kids to their adoptive families, and I have had special "goodbye dinners" and special times for those who love them to say goodbye. Though everyone will miss them, they all know and trust that I am making the right decision not adopting them, and that they're going to a wonderful home!
I don't doubt my decision a bit (not when I am being rational anyway), but I know I will grieve when they leave.

Good luck, and I have found (with past kids) that you will all end up leaning on eachother. Hang in there!

[Rinata]

In my situation I was asked by the aw to see if anyone in my family was interested in adopting "JD" since they have a kinship type relationship with them. My niece and her husband spent a little over a week mulling the idea over. The decided not to since they are buying a new home and having their second baby shortly after and felt it wouldn't be fair to "JD" or their current son to mess with the birth order. Their son is 18 months younger than "JD". When that happen I almost felt like I should adopt "JD" because I knew my mom really wanted him to stay. I finally talked to her about how I felt and that I was thinking about keeping him because of her. She told my not to do that. That decision was mine and she would be ok. She felt that I should do what I felt was best for him and I. I told her I felt bad cause I new she was going to hurt when he leaves. She said yes its going to hurt but I understand why its better for him to be adopted by someone else. After that conversation I felt a lot better about my decision not to adopt him.

My suggestion to 'loblaw' is if you haven't already, have a real heart to heart talk with your husband. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[GarfieldGA]

We are currently going through a similar situation. We have fd that we were originally intending to adopt. I am very attached and my wife is not. We've gone through counseling to determine if the lack of bonding is temporary or permanent. We've ultimately decided not to adopt. We have no other kids, but ultimately a marriage is more important and the kids (birth or adopted). We were a family before the fd and we will be a family after we've gone through this. We will be stronger for it, but it will be a very difficult process.

Now for my question .. we are in the middle of this now. There is another family that are good friends of ours and they have been trying to adopt for years. The fd knows them. They are interested in adopting the fd. However, the DFCS worker says that the must go to the "state list" to find the new home. Is there anything we can so to influence the placement???

[BethanyB]

yet do I adopt a child I don't really want just to save the marraige

No! Please don't adopt kids you don't want. That child will grow up knowing that and feeling that and the child does not deserve that. A child deserves two loving parents who cherish them.

I am not saying that choosing NOT to adopt a child you have had in your home is wrong. However I do find it interesting that many people think it's wrong to move a child after so many months of bonding with a foster parent when the foster parents want to adopt. But everyone is supportive of moving a child after many months when that child does not "fit" their family for whatever reason. How can it be both ways?