[greenmama]

We have decided for safety reasons to change our soontobe adopted son's first name (before the adoption is finalized) to his middle name. Has anyone else done this? How did the transition go for the child? I plan to start calling him newfirst oldfirst for a while and see how it goes. Any other tips?

[lovemy6]

I don't know how old your child is, but we changed our son's first name when he was 5 1/2. He adjusted very well.

[greenmama]

I should add...he is 9.

[momraine]

I would say at that age he can be a part of the decision, maybe even picking out a new name instead of just using his middle name. (which would add to the safety)

[greenmama]

Originally Posted by momraine

I would say at that age he can be a part of the decision, maybe even picking out a new name instead of just using his middle name. (which would add to the safety)

No it would be a new first name entirely...with his old first name becoming his new middle name...which will really just be used as an initial...and a new last name obviously

[greenmama]

anyone else?

[jazzysmom]

When we adopted our sib group who were 11, 7 and 3 we also changed first to the middle name and they picked out their own new first name. They liked having a say in what their new name would be.

[momraine]

sorry I misunderstood. Anyway, I think he would like to have a say in his new name. Maybe give him a couple to choose from or something.

[graciej]

Our daughter was a little over two when we adopted her. She adjusted just fine. We started calling her the new name as soon as the TPR hearing was over. By the time the adoption hearing was held, she already identified with that name.

We have friends who adopted a 12-year-old and had not planned to change his name, but he WANTED a new name. He told them so and helped pick his new name. How does your son feel about it? I think the transition will be easier if he has a part in choosing his new name.

[greenmama]

Has anyone else done a legal name change pre-adoption finalization?

[lovemy6]

Most of the times the courts won't allow pre-adopt name change. We did, but it was hard and took years.

[greenmama]

We aren't the ones petitioning, so I am fairly certain it will be approved. I am more wondering about how to explain it to our son...

[lovemy6]

How old is he? We always put legal stuff on the judge. When their goal was changed from RU to tpr, we explained that the judge would find out if they could go to bmom's and be safe or would the judge want them to stay with us. When my kids wanted to change their names, we explained that the judge would decide if they were allowed to or not.

Depending on your son's age, I would tell him that the judge will decide if he keeps his name or changes it.

[Nevada Jen]

I think if you do it officially with the adoption as opposed to a legal name change before the adoption, you would acheive your "safety" goal better. At least here, the change would not be traceable but with a regular name change, it can be chased faily easily through public records. Other than that, I have no thoughts.

[marythemom]

My daughter was 11 when she was placed with us for adoption. She insisted she wanted to change her name to Ashley (as in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen). We were against it and assumed she would change her mind (after all our other daughter wanted to be called Bob for an entire year and our bioson went from being called by a nickname of his middle name - a family tradition- to having his friends calling him by his first name when he was 7. He now answers to both names).

After 6 months of continuously insisting she wanted to change her name and much consulting with her therapists (to be sure she wasn't trying to deny/ repress her past) and caseworkers, we finally decided to allow the name change with the adoption finalization. One more way of symbolizing she was part of our family.

Before we could tell her we'd agreed. She changed her mind to a new name. The new name was a family name that we had almost chosen for our birth daughter. She got all of her friends to call her by her new first name, although family still called her by her birth name. Her adoption was delayed for 1 1/2 years after her placement with us (legal issues). For the entire last year she insisted on the new family name. After 6 months we allowed it and everyone but us called her by the new name (we even registered her for school that way because the adoption was supposed to be final before school started).

On her adoption day the family started calling her by her new name (her birth first name became her middle name and her last name changed to ours).

Because the adoption decree only uses her birth name (public records don't have her new name), it can get very confusing to explain to doctors and schools who have records from her pre-adoption days, why her entire name is now different.

My son had a lot of fun trying to choose a name that had meaning for him (and us). In the end, he decided he couldn't picture himself with a new first name. It did bother him that he was the last male with his birth last name and it would "die" with him. At the same time he felt he would not be part of our family if he did not have our last name. Our compromise was to change his middle name to his birth last name, keep his birth first name (which was not unique enough for it to be a problem), and our last name.

We have a semi-open adoption so we did not have to worry about our children being "found."

I was very happy that our daughter chose a name that had meaning to our family and our son found a compromise that made everyone happy. They have already lost so much from their lives that taking away their name can have a major impact.

I would let your child "try it out" before making it permanent. Most schools and doctor's offices will allow the use of a nickname in the records if you're worried about that.

I would explain your reasoning for the name change and let your child choose, with the understanding that you have "veto" power.

"A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet", but that doesn't make it a daisy and it may hate and resent you for taking away it's identity!