[txwannabemom]

Hi-
I am adopting older (7 & 8) children form foster care.
We've talked about baby/toddlers but how many older children choose to change thier first or common name when adopyed. I remember in Keck's Hurt Child book her gave the example of a child who had been named for his abusive father changing his name. Anyone have thier older child choose to change for a fresh start?

Frankly one of the girls I'd like to adopt has a name that only rhymes with viginity & we'll be using a nick name for sure.....

[Boulderbabe]

Are these kids you already know? Or have you picked them out from a photolisting?

I think that seven and eight year olds are old enough to have pretty strong opinions about their names. If the one whose name you hate likes her name, and feels that it is HER name, then I don't recommend you change it or give her a nickname. It is disorienting enough to move into a new family. Having to give up your own name would make the experience really disorienting and difficult.

Down the road, if she decides she'd like to change her name, you can do it then. But when she first arrives, you should be extremely respectful of her need for her own identity, and call her whatever she likes to be called.

[txwannabemom]

well of course. And I don't hate her name. If they are adverse to changing the name I would never force anyone to do that. What I am asking is if anyone who has been in that situation, how did it work: how did the child choose a name, or make the transition?

Never would I tell a child thier name is not theirs to choose. I find your post unhelpful at best.

[Beach4]

I have not adopted yet, but I do have a little knowledge of this. My mom is a teacher and teaches high school. She had a student who was adopted last year and this student changed her entire name because she wanted a fresh start. The day after she was adopted she told everyone at school what her new name was and reminds anyone who calls her by her "old" name.

We are planning on adopting a child from the ages of 0-10 so we have discussed the naming issue. When we get close to the finalization of the adoption, we will discuss with the child if he/she would like to change his/her name. If the child wants to change his/her name, then we will choose a new name together.

I hope this helps.

[txwannabemom]

Thank you Beach 4. That's exactly the kind of information I am looking for.

[dachshunds4you]

I too would do the same thing...if the child wants to choose a new name, then by all means change it!

I think many children who have been adopted, or are in the process of, would love an opportunity to have a fresh start with a new name.

Our experience is a little different, since our ad is younger. We did change her first name, but kept her middle name, just to show some respect to her bmom whenever our ad gets the opportunity to meet her when she's older.

I would select a few names we all like, and then we narrow it down to the one. I would think this would be a memorable occasion. Someone just posted that they actually went out to dinner and celebrated the new name choice.

[Binny]

We are in the process, and our girls are 12 and 10. In the therapy they have been doing to be placed with us for adoption, they do an adoption book, and part of that is their choosing what their name will be. The have been told they can change any or all parts of their name, and we will respect what they have already decided. One is going to shorten her name to the nickname she is already called and take our last name, and the other is completely changing her name and wants a fresh start (new name will be our last name). They will be here in a few weeks and we will introduce them with their new first names and the school will register them with their birth names, but in class call them by their nicknames, which will become their first names at finalization. That way, they arent known as one name for several months and then changing it (as far as first names goes at least). Just how we have been advised to do it by SW and Therapist.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

We adopted a sibling set from foster care. When placed with us they were 2, 3, 5 and 6. Before finalizing the older ones asked to change their name. And we helped them come up with new names. We did keep their birth first name as one of their 2 middle names though. Every one adjusted real well.

[Sdirector]

Our son was adopted at age 2 1/2 (We had him since he was 11 months). We changed his complete name. We heard about it from many people, but it went fine. He had a middle name that was outrageous (to us) and both first and middle were named after the person who was thought to be his birthfather (he wasn't.) So that one was a slam dunk.

Our daughter, who is 12, will be changing her complete name. Her bmother has her name (a nickname derrived from her first name) tatooed on her wrist. You have to understand something, however, this is not out of loving dedication... she thinks of her as property. This is the same bmother to our son, and she has refered to her "owning" both of these children.

Plus, the was that the Bmother says our daughter's first name is with some strange pronunciation, and it drives our daughter, and us, crazy.

Perhaps even more sadly, our daughter thinks that if she keeps her name, her bmother will eventually find her.

She is changing her first name, keeping her existing middle, and adding a hyphenated middle name, and taking our last name. She may still be called by her old first name at times, and she understands this. We don't anticipate any problems, but the change was completely her choice. We just helped her come up with alternatives once she decided that she wanted to change it.

[TxMom65]

Our daughter was adopted at the age of 8. She was ready to change her last name from day one. She also asked if she could change her whole name. We weren't really wanting to change her 1st name, but did change her middle name to a family name. Her middle name was a common name that was mispelled.

She loves her middle name and it has a great meaning to her.

[MilehighDad]

I just posted this in another thread, but both of our older girls have chosen to change their names in some way. When we finalized our oldest, she was 15. At that time, she wanted to keep her first and middle names, and then hyphenate our last name with hers. About 6 months ago, she decided she wanted to change it more and asked us for advice. She wanted to keep her first name, drop the old last name in the hyphen - just keeping our last name, and she wanted us to pick a new middle name that she could use as her everyday name. Confused yet? So were we. As an adult, it is considerably harder to change your name, and she's still working on it. But, we picked her new middle name that is how she is introducing herself.

Our newest girl, who just turned 12, wanted to use her middle name starting about 6 months before we met her. Her reason was that "nobody loved XX, she was not a good kid." She had already gotten her school to use her middle name although her foster mom and workers still used her first name. When we finalize next month she will be taking her middle name official as her first name, taking our last name, and adding a new middle name that she let us pick.

So, I don't know how common it is for older kids to want to choose a new name, but we're 2 for 2. Sort of.

Also, I would strongly encourage anyone adopting a foster kid to change their social security number. We had phone and credit card accounts start showing up under her SSN in her state of origin when she turned 18. Not a good thing.

[txwannabemom]

Thanks everybody... And special thanks Milehigh Dad for the reminder about changing SSN!

For those who let the children change names: Did you have a pre-approved list or just require parental approval? As much as I'd love to have a child named Butterfly Moon Princess or Barbie......

[SoBayMama]

I had the same question-
We have been matched (not actually placed yet, but matched) with two sisters, 7 and 8, both of whom have unusual names. I tried to find the names in baby name books, and in name origin websites, and could not find them anywhere.

I think I would like to give them the option. If they want to keep their original names, no problem, (other than having to spell it out to everyone who asks ) But if they decide that they would like to change, I would like us to decide together, because I'm also afraid of the "intersting" ideas they might come up with if I let them pick "anything they want" (I had a cousin who cried for a week because her mom would not allow her to change her name to "Little Mermaid".) I envision us sitting down with a baby names book, talking over the possibilities.

[chucklebelly]

I guess we are an unusual situation because we are not changing any part of our daughter's name - first, middle or last. We left the decision entirely up to her, and she wanted to keep her name. It doesn't make her the odd one out in our family as she is an only child and my partner and I have different last names. We do have a name that we use informally to describe our family which is a silly-sounding mashup of all 3 of our last names.

[quiescentfury]

We totally left the choice up to our girls. We told them we would be fine with whatever the wanted, including if they wanted to keep their last names. We even told them it was an individual choice and they do not have to pick the same as their sister. Last name issue was no big deal, because my son already has a different last name. The oldest, 13, decided to change the uncommon spelling of her first name to the common spelling, since she got teased for it. She decided to add my middle name to hers so now she will have two middle names and then to take our last name. The younger , 11, Laft her first name alone changed her middle name to her bio mom's name and take our last name.