[blessedmomof2]

Hi - I am new to the forum. For what it's worth.......it has been a wealth of information.

I am wondering how many Foster-to-Adopt parents are out there that were very clear with their SW on their requests and limitations at beginning of FC? It just seems like so many people were not aware of the childrens issues up front and are completely blind-sided. I know my husband and I and our two biological children have definate limits........

Did anyone out there tell SW what they were looking for and actually got it???? Or how many placements did it take before your forever-child appeared?

Sure appreciate the feedback!

[Singlemom619]

In both my cases that have/are turning to adoption I was not "in it" to adopt. I entered the situation as a foster parent and was pretty open.

So I had placements that are/will be adoption situations pretty quick....

[sayoko7]

Our SW was very clear with us that she was not going to place anyone with us that wasn't a perfect match. I really appreciated how tough she was with us. We wanted one or two children. She talked us out of a sibling set of three. She didn't allow our urgency to have children to overwhelm our baseline needs and the needs of the children.

[msgypsylee]

Well the child I adopted was nothing like the "one" I thought I wanted. He was my first placement and is now happily my adopted son.

I have yet to get a call about a child that fit my original parameters.

[dhardawa]

I told the SW exactly what I wanted and I got him. I never had children who didn't match what I wanted offered.

[vernellinnj]

I've heard it said "we're not looking for a child for the pre-adoptive parents but preadoptive parents for the child". Sounds like the same thing but it really isn't.

All I can say is you will never really know a child until they are in your home (and sometimes they have to be in your home a long time before you really know). Follow your instincts on perspective placements (and if you are a person who prays - do a lot of that too).

Good luck.

[dpen6]

This whole thread is making me a little nauseous.

As a former foster child and happily adopted daughter...at age 51...I am hoping that YOU and YOUR family are good enough for the child...hoping that understand that its not about YOUR dreams and requests and wants ans needs..its about the little innocents that are according to this thread fulfill YOUR needs for a "forever" child.....

I am really hoping that for the little ones sake that the ONE is put in a family that is worthy of them...NOT the other way around.

These kids need unconditional love, safety and security..not feeling like they are an order that has been processed and if not good enough be given back.

I think you need to examine your reasons for doing this and reevaluate...based on the childs needs and not yours....

please don't do this if you are looking for a little human to furfill what you need because you may not get it...you, your hubby and bio kids will survive it..but the little one that was made to order may not.

[txwannabemom]

dpen6-
I think you are being unfair. While each adoptive parent worries about if we will be brave, strong, and good enough to deserve our child.... we also have to accept that we can only do certain things.
For example, I as a single adoptive parent cannot take in a medically fragile child. I have neither the knowledge or resources to meet that childs needs successfully. Does that make me less qualified to parent any adoptive child? No. It makes me realistic about the day-to-day experience of parenting. When you become a foster/adoptive parent you are asked to face and declare what your limits/expectations/abilities are.
I think what the orginal question was about was if once you've laid that framework with the SW, if it is honored or if the demand for homes sometimes makes SWs place children in situations that are not ideal, and potentially more than the adoptive parents can handle. While it is certainly unfair to the children, what I've seen is that it sometimes does happen.

Best of luck.

[c.a]

dpen6 - I do understand your point. We should not be special ordering children to meet our needs.

On the other hand, as I become more experienced with fostering, I have a much better sense of what I can handle. And as my son (foster then adopted) gets older I do think a lot about how bringing new children in our family will affect him.

I think bringing in children to fullfil my need to parent without regard to my son's needs is just as selfish as being so picky that it appears I am "ordering" the perfect child.

Every good social worker will try to talk with you about what you want and what will work for your family. I told my social worker that I want to adopt another child, but I don't care if I adopt the next foster child placed in my home. I am open to taking children who are legal risk, and I am open to taking children on a short term basis who I am unlikely to adopt. One example of this is that I want to adopt a child younger than my son to preserve the "birth" order but I am willing to foster a child who is older.

I have also been doing this long enough to know that you (I know I'm not the only one) don't always love every kid who is placed with you. I like most of them fine. In fact, I usually like them a lot. And quite a number of them I would love deeply if they were with me long term. And every once in a while I get a kid who irritates the crap out of me Who pushes buttons I didn't know I had and I'm glad to send them off to another home - hopefully one that will love them.(like the five year old who had a tantrum over EVERYTHING - he even had a tantrum because my toilet flushed too loud - oh Lord I was relieved when the worker came to pick him up).

[dpen6]

I beleive i am being very fair.

as far as not taking what you can't handle I totally agree. I see right on these forums the huge time invested in some of these poor kids. These kids are the way they are because the adults in their lives including bio, social workers, foster and adoptive(some) go into it with the wrong intentions. Bio may be to addled, social workers over worked, foster and adoptive not truly educated about the situations and its the child thats loses the most. There are so many wonderful people that DO Take it on and give and give ...my hats of fto you all.
My issue was with the tone of this particualr thread... I got the feeling that SOME go into to place an order for a child...daughter, son, infant, older child and that child has to fit in with the family..mom, dad , bio kids because well...its just the way it is..no thought or education to the child that has lost the most, the most hurting and the most needy...because someone needs to "build a family". they have to find "the one".

my parents didn't get to "pick"..they got what they got and that was 4 of us from foster care....from the ages of 10 days to 4 years old. I never got a sense that they were picking and chossing who and what was going to fit into their family...they needed to fit the child and they did!!! We were a "family' warts and all.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by c.a

dpen6 - I do understand your point. We should not be special ordering children to meet our needs.

On the other hand, as I become more experienced with fostering, I have a much better sense of what I can handle. And as my son (foster then adopted) gets older I do think a lot about how bringing new children in our family will affect him.

I think bringing in children to fullfil my need to parent without regard to my son's needs is just as selfish as being so picky that it appears I am "ordering" the perfect child.

Every good social worker will try to talk with you about what you want and what will work for your family. I told my social worker that I want to adopt another child, but I don't care if I adopt the next foster child placed in my home. I am open to taking children who are legal risk, and I am open to taking children on a short term basis who I am unlikely to adopt. One example of this is that I want to adopt a child younger than my son to preserve the "birth" order but I am willing to foster a child who is older.

I have also been doing this long enough to know that you (I know I'm not the only one) don't always love every kid who is placed with you. I like most of them fine. In fact, I usually like them a lot. And quite a number of them I would love deeply if they were with me long term. And every once in a while I get a kid who irritates the crap out of me Who pushes buttons I didn't know I had and I'm glad to send them off to another home - hopefully one that will love them.(like the five year old who had a tantrum over EVERYTHING - he even had a tantrum because my toilet flushed too loud - oh Lord I was relieved when the worker came to pick him up).

Its situations like this that make me beleive that SS needs a huge overhaul.....kids are kept with bioparents for to long, damage is done then there is so much damge to be healed...I get it,,, I get the huge investment you have to make to foster...but dang why is it the child has to be moved and moved and moved and each move is assualting their very souls and making them less lovable on a daily basis ...very sad....

[blessedmomof2]

Originally Posted by dpen6

This whole thread is making me a little nauseous.

As a former foster child and happily adopted daughter...at age 51...I am hoping that YOU and YOUR family are good enough for the child...hoping that understand that its not about YOUR dreams and requests and wants ans needs..its about the little innocents that are according to this thread fulfill YOUR needs for a "forever" child.....

I am really hoping that for the little ones sake that the ONE is put in a family that is worthy of them...NOT the other way around.

These kids need unconditional love, safety and security..not feeling like they are an order that has been processed and if not good enough be given back.

I think you need to examine your reasons for doing this and reevaluate...based on the childs needs and not yours....

please don't do this if you are looking for a little human to furfill what you need because you may not get it...you, your hubby and bio kids will survive it..but the little one that was made to order may not.

Wow....I have to tell you, I'm not sure this forum is for me. This was my very first post and to be honest I feel sort of assulted. I was writing in becasue I am new to this site.............I am in the beginning stages of volunteering for Foster Care and frankly I'm scared - I have lots of questions and concerns. I have two amazing, wonderful, kind, loving, caring kids - yes, they happen to be my bilogical children. But, none-the-less, this is a big deal for our family. There has been history in our community (maybe not yours) of placing children in homes that have many more issues than disclosed; some violent and sexual in nature. I am sorry if I offended you. I guess it meant something that I am willing to open my heart and home to a child - while at the same time considering what my family is capable of handling at this point with very little training and preparation. I want to do the best I can for everyone, while protecting my own children. I am not looking for a "perfect" child........for heaven's sake, my own children aren't perfect. I just want to know what I'm in for - I know what I can handle. I don't want to be demoralized because I am honest about what level of care I can provide. Your note was not very encouraging.

[athikers]

The OP says nothing about a "made to order" child. She is simply wondering about how to best keep her family safe and happy while opening her home to a foster child. Each family is uniquely suited for certain types of children. That does not make us "bad" somehow.

[Wheresmyboys]

I have to say when we considered adoption we too had to consider what our family could handle. My DH & I have a 22 year old daughter with CP, wheelchair, etc so we had to look at her safety when considering the children we would adopt. Our family could not accommodate children that were violent, sexual acting out, medically fragile and a host of other conditions. We let this be know up front.

We also considered our own age when choosing the age group. We also knew that we wanted boys and a sibling group of 2. Transportation wise we are unable to accommodate another wheelchair or a larger sibling group.
Also the bedrooms we have require the children to have the ability to go up and down stairs again excluding any children with mobility issues.

Only YOU and YOUR FAMILY know what you are able to handle and can accommodate and the reasons behind it.

Hang in there you will find your perfect match, Of course it takes longer with the more conditions you have so you must be patient.

Our PERFECT sibling set of 2 boys 8yrs and 9yrs came to us December 20 but it was a very long wait!

[Wheresmyboys]

One more thing about these forums and advice offered as well as comments "Take what you need and leave the rest" I find that many times on the forum I may not agree with a certain opinions whether it be on feeding issues, how to get children to sleep in their own room or bed, discipline etc. However many times I find something that is a great suggestion. We all come with different experiences, backgrounds and value systems.

So my advice to you and all here is "TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST" JMHO