[tmz12476]

I got word today that we may lose our little girl. She has been in the system for 3 years but has only been with us for 5 months. We love her tremendously! 24 hours before a review hearing the father who has not seen her in 3 years contacted the agency to say he has a cousin who wants to take her in. She has never even met this cousin. I don't know if he is married or has any kids. The cousin is a children youth worker so I guess he will be cleared to take her. I was told that once she is in or house for 6 months we have some rights and could get a lwayer to fight this.

I am truly devastated right now. I never expected this to happen. The mother was ready to sign off. She knows we are a good family who will take good care of her daughter. The father was never even in the picture but he got a letter from orphans court to terminate his rights and now he is cauing problems.

I am so scared...Any advice? We are in PA.

[MassachusettsMom]

Does your FC have an attorney? CASA? GAL? Be in touch with them. Also be in touch with your FC's pediatrician, teachers, therapists, etc. -- depending on the situation, it may not be in your FC's best interest to be moved again, even to a relative, and these people can all help you document that.

Hopefully someone more familiar with the laws in PA will chime in.

[craftingmama]

you know what though? it is his child, and if he thinks a relative caring for her is a good thing, then maybe it is. foster parents go into it knowing that the ultimate goal is reunification and that family has rights before foster parents. it stinks but it is what it is. 5 months isn't very long for her to be with you, in the big scheme of things really.

[lynnae1111]

I had my fd for almost a year when family surfaced and wanted her - the parents wanted her to go to a cousin. However, much to my suprise the judge felt their was more of a bond with me and the baby than with these cousins who had never met her. She also felt it was not to her benefit to develop family ties in that family. Maybe yours will turn out the same.

[bethy724]

Originally Posted by craftingmama

you know what though? it is his child, and if he thinks a relative caring for her is a good thing, then maybe it is. foster parents go into it knowing that the ultimate goal is reunification and that family has rights before foster parents. it stinks but it is what it is. 5 months isn't very long for her to be with you, in the big scheme of things really.

Really? You feel the need to post a fp's responsibilities or how long is very long here? We've all taken classes & understand the goals of foster care. Reunifying w/ "family" the child has never met is cruel (after 3 years) ...a bio parent is a different story ... a bio parent that shows up after 3 years w/ suggestions may not be serving the best interest of his biological child.

3 years is way too long for family to surface. I'd get a DNA test to see if this guy is even the father. If he is I'd contact the cousin (if your allowed to ) & see if he's consider letting her stay put-if he is in the field of children he must know moving a child is not always in the best interest...it may be in some cases but 3 years (or even the 5 months she's been in your home) is a lifetime for a child...literally.

Take a deep breath & stay focused on providing her a safe, loving home. I had a 1/2 bio sister show up after 18 months & she didn't pass the homestudy. 18 months was my sons entire life... she made no attempts for visits, contact, ect. I had a court order to have my son ready to move as soon as she passed the homestudy-she didn't pass. The cousin may have a clean background check (able to work w/ children) but may not have the home, $$, time or interest in taking in the little girl...sometimes bio parents beg relatives to say ok but during the homestudy they admit thay don't want to really commit for life. Good luck & pray it's not a done deal.

[jphollen]

Hang in there. I am so sorry your going through this, I hope things get better soon. It's really hard when you get these curve balls, you could have never anticipated.


Jen

[Singlemom619]

It's much easier to say this when I'm on the outside - but I'd not worry too much. You never know if this cousin will really follow through with everything that would need to be done for the child to be placed. He may not even want the child but simply agreed or told the father that he would take her because he felt he "should" and you'll see as time goes on if he really wants her or not.

Also - after not being around for 3 years I'm sure someone else will point that out.

Ask questions, play devil's advocate, and wait... I know it's hard.

[Newshyde]

Ditto on some of the above posts. You never really know.
When my kiddos were placed with me, I thought I would have them for 30 days for the time it would take them to do a homestudy on the grandpa's girlfriend. She knew the kids AND works for CPS. It sounded like a shoe-in. However, the case workers had some concerns with the grandpa and managed to convince them to leave the kids with me while the parents worked on their case plan. They never even did the homestudy and I don't think grandpa's girlfriend really wanted them, she just said she would take them to make the parents happy. She never pushed the issue and actually seemed relieved when she didn't have to go through the homestudy process.
Let your CW know you would be willing to talk with the cousin through the process. As you learn during this process... things can change in an instant. It's too hard to worry about all the potential changes. Hopefully everyone involved will do what's best for your FD.

[sundara]

My 4 kids' parents both had many chances, as did aunts, uncles and grandparents. Rights for both were TPR'd in 2001, and the kids moved into our house in Jan 2002.

Before the adoption was finalized, the Gparents decided they wanted the kids after all. Social Workers said no, as they were concerned about the GMom, and that they only (a) wanted to take them because their son realized he was really going to lose his kids, and (b) because they wanted the subsidy. (Bdad had 4 other kids living with 3 other moms - he now has fathered a total of 9 kids, none of them who live with him).

Thank goodness the CW's saw thru this last minute maneuver.

[MomwithFive]

<<before a review hearing the father who has not seen her in 3 years contacted the agency to say he has a cousin who wants to take her in. She has never even met this cousin. >>

A judge may very well see that this isn't in her best interest. If the father was interested before why didn't he make it a priority to see her for 3 yrs? The cousin? If this cousin wants to raise this child why wasn't the cousin in the childs life for all these years, establishing a relationship? These things do count as attachment is a huge issue in the emotional health of a child and I think the courts are beginning to realize this. Best of luck to you and your family.

[craftingmama]

I"m one of those 'cousins' and am trying to get my cousin's children from foster care. why did it take me two years? because no one in the family would tell anyone that the girls were in care. why else? because since June when I found out, we've been trying to make headway and the system is difficult. there is one aunt who has had a homestudy and has been trying for 18 months, since TPR to get the girls, but the court won't say yes OR no, they just keep stringing her along hoping she'll give up. it's ridiculous, honestly.

[bethy724]

If you don't have contact with or a relationship with a person in over 2-3 years I don't see how you are considered family even if the biology is there. I haven't spoken to my cousins in years & if I found out their children have been in foster care for years I wouldn't step in even though they are biologically family & I have a foster care license- I consider family those who take care of & love you.

I will say this-it is an absolute DISGRACE when the courts, cw's & judges drag their feet if a family is interested in the first few months a child is in care. I know the bio parents in my son's case were asked what family they wanted him placed with in the first month he was in care- I had no problem taking care of him until they could find family. When relative names are thrown out there years AFTER the child is in care & "family" finds out after years in care it's just not in the best interest of the child. It's just my opinion & thoughts.

[luvmykids4]

I think it's obvious that those of us who are foster parents 'lean' toward wanting the kids to stay with us. When you have cared for a child as if they are your own, it is not easy to see them go. This is compounded when you don't feel that a placement change is in their best interests. I could see how a family member fighting for a child could take exception to that, but in the end we want what is best for the kids.

A couple of thoughts:

5 months may not seem like a long time, except if you are the family loving the child, and thinking they will be with you forever. We just sent our fd home at 6 months old, and we had her since birth. It's not easy at all to do!

Since your case is still open, I would fight and advocate the best way you know how. Get involved with your GAL -- this is key. Any people you can contact to advocate for your fc, do so.

Do the best you can, and don't stop fighting until it becomes clear that a decision is final. Good luck.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by bethy724

If you don't have contact with or a relationship with a person in over 2-3 years I don't see how you are considered family even if the biology is there. I haven't spoken to my cousins in years & if I found out their children have been in foster care for years I wouldn't step in even though they are biologically family & I have a foster care license- I consider family those who take care of & love you.

.

I'm with you here. I believe family is who you make your family - not who you share a blood tie with. My children don't have a blood tie to me and they are definitely my family. I have a "mom" that helped raise me for 12 years and even though she's not even married to my father (for over 10 years now) I still consider her family and my boys call her grandma.

If I heard my blood relatives kids' were in care I wouldn't try any harder to get them then I would if I heard my neighbors' kids were in care (I don't know my neighbors.)

If my friends' kids were in care - the friends that spend the holidays with us and that are part of our family - I would fight tooth and nail for them.

[marathonmom]

TMZ12476,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard and scary time right now. I hope that you have many people around you for support and strength. Please know that I am sending my best wishes for you and your little one. I pray that you soon have the answer you want and need and will be able to move forward with the adoption.