[thelowlanders]

This is a tough one. I don't know about the cousin stuff, but for the family heritage and all that....

I have to say, when I showed up with 12mo old FS to visit one day and there's two of his G-gma's absolutely excited to see him, it honestly reached a place in my heart that I thought wasn't there for these bio families. Yes, some families I'm seeing seem to be all wrong for raising children, through and through. But others, the bparents are awful. Yet the extended family loves them very much. Truly, truly wants to see their grandchild, cousin, nephew, whomever, grow up and be part of their family. Maybe they were even the ones who called in about the child's safety. I don't know. I just can't help but hope somebody, anybody in FS's family that's not over 70 yrs old could pass as acceptable parents. I can't believe I'm writing this. But as I get to know these kids, somedays .....It just feels like the only people that can 100% understand them is where they came from. Being adopted myself, I remember the Huge differences in personality w/ my adoptive parents. It was a serious struggle. Yet I'm so thankful my b-mom didn't raise me. So, I'm really torn but thought I'd share ....

[Hadley2]

I am so sorry for the anxiety and impending sadness you feel and the anxiety any child in limbo feels. Good hearted people are hurt by hurtful situations, regardless of "right" or "wrong," and any time a child's world falls apart, it is a hurtful situation.

I am always astonished by how fast people rush to black-and-white judgments and rigid adversarial attitudes as so many of the replies to these types of posts often are. The leap to negative conclusions re relatives, working up of a poster who is already in turmoil, seems completely misplaced to me. A few posts here are more balanced, but most seem to rush to war without knowing there is any enemy to fight. That's the quickest way I know to make one.

All anybody, including the poster, knows is that a cousin was asked by a father to step up and provide a family home for a family member. Nobody knows the cousin's story. Or the father's, for that matter. And you can't go by what the cw says because they sometimes do manipulate the players in what they think is the right direction. In any case, all anybody knows is that the cousin knows the child is "in the system" and needs a home. The cousin may well have NO CLUE that the family with whom the child lives wants to adopt her, how long she has been there, etc., etc.

So--what? He is evil and selfish for stepping up to provide a home to an unknown child in need? Hmmm, who else does that? Oh, yeah, foster-to-adopt parents, every day....

Why assume an adversarial position? Why assume there is any "fight" to be had at all? Why incite anger and hostility? How does any of that help the child?

I would strongly suggest looking into the idea of meeting with and talking to the cousin, perhaps in a facilitated meeting with the cw or perhaps even a visit. Be sure he has the context of the child's situation, be sure you have the context of his position and what he can provide before starting a fight. Starting a fight may ensure a fight when there was no need. Oddly enough, many people "win" only to realize, later, that they fought hard for something they really wouldn't have wanted if they'd had more time and emotional space to think and feel things through instead of being pushed into auto-defensive mode.

We are foster to adopt one relative. Her much older half-sib came into care several years ago. We stepped up, NOT KNOWING that she had surrogate grandparents (mom's bf's parents, not related to the girl) who loved her and felt responsible to take care of her. The cw's organized a family meeting of any of us with an interest and we met, sat, talked, got to know each other, and guess what? The grandparents during the conversation moved from being suspicious of us to thinking, hey, this teen is really too much for us and they are willing to take her, they seem OK, we love her and care about her, but she is too much for us, etc., not because we said anything or pushed for placement, but when we came with an open mind and heart and didn't make it adversarial, they were better able to think through their feelings and capabilities and see ours.

It's amazing what can happen when people relax and just talk things out. Good social service agencies encourage and facilitate that kind of communication.

I would try to make nice and get to know the situation first-hand before starting a fight. The little girl we are adopting has been with us over three years now. She spent a year, from age 3 to 4 with another foster family, returned home a year, went back into care with the same family. We stepped up both times, but not until the second time did she get placement with us--approx four or five months into that case. We didn't really know her and she didn't really know us. That foster family would have wanted her, but as things have played out, this has been best for her in the long run, which they make a point of telling us.

As for challenging paternity, we don't know why he was contacted. Perhaps his name is on the BC, perhaps he was married to the mother, perhaps she simply named him. I could be wrong, but I believe that most states will accept a father as the biological father if the mother names him, he acknowledges paternity, and no one else claims biopaternity. I would guess she simply named him at the end since he doesn't seem to have been in the loop previously. Who knows--maybe he didn't know he had a child! Maybe he was/is incarcerated and she was ashamed to name him before. Maybe he has a terminal illness. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The fact is, he is there. I don't think you have any standing to petition DNA to be done, but you could ask the cw how the paternity was established. She may or may not tell you, though, and is under no obligation to and may not be able to for confidentiality reasons.

I hope things work out well for the little one and your family. Fostering is hard, it takes such soft hearts. Whatever happens, this child's time with you has been very healing and healthy for her and will always be a light in her life.

[Withay]

Very well said Hadley2.

[athikers]

If the relative is a good, loving relative who can handle the child I hope they are able to get them.

I've had to realize after "losing" two foster-adoptive placements (after 7.5 months and after a year) that I'm not really losing the child who was meant to be mine. There are so many children out there and there will come a day when the child comes into your home that has no suitable family or kinship caregivers. That is the case with both of our current kiddos. And, if I hadn't "lost" my first two foster-adoptive placements I wouldn't be blessed with my daughter and future son.

[thelowlanders]

Very right Athikers.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by craftingmama

I"m one of those 'cousins' and am trying to get my cousin's children from foster care. why did it take me two years? because no one in the family would tell anyone that the girls were in care. why else? because since June when I found out, we've been trying to make headway and the system is difficult. there is one aunt who has had a homestudy and has been trying for 18 months, since TPR to get the girls, but the court won't say yes OR no, they just keep stringing her along hoping she'll give up. it's ridiculous, honestly.

While I applaud you for wanting your cousins, I still have to agree with the others. I'd say this if I were in your shoes as well.

When children have been in care for 3 years...5 months in the SAME home, then stability is absolutely pertinent. The 5 months that this child has had in the same home is significant! Very significant.

If I found out today that my brother's child had been in foster care for 3 years and was with a family that loved her and wanted to take care of her, this is what I'd do.

I'd want to meet the family and find out what they are like. If they were decent people and clearly loved this child, and could take care of her, I'd want to have an auntie relationship with my niece. I'd let the child be. It's cruel to take the only security this child has.

Now if this were my sister's children, than I'd fight for them. I already have a very close relationship with them and I know they would want to live with me.

As to the father "knowing what's best" for the child....I disagree. I would not trust the judgement of a parent who has never even tried to be a part of the child's life, has allowed the child to languish in foster care, and messed up bad enough to let the child go into foster care in the first place. I'd say the father's judgements are so circumspect that it could not be trusted at all.

[Hadley2]

I just don't think there is any one size fits all answer for every child. There are children who would be better off staying put after two weeks, children who would thrive if moved to family of origin after a few years. Most states have laws that make presumptions but allow for compelling exceptions.

Better to communicate directly and together, if possible, find the way to the best interest path for this child.

Frankly, I look at our soon-to-be-daughter and kind of wish another of her half-sibs' dad, who through a bizarre legal twist had paternal rights, didn't step up for her a long time ago. While we love her and she is happy here and thriving, I can see where she would be a much smoother fit into that family...she is just much more like them--looks, personalities, preferences, etc.--than she is like anyone on our side. She would struggle less in so many ways. But, she is here and we can only hope that she will be able to have a relationship in the near future.

[Nevada Jen]

Well said Hadley. I have a friend who adopted 5 sibs through fostercare. A new sib was born and placed with a different family. My friend did not find out about the baby until they were ready to tpr on him. She fought for him because she had all his sibs and she wanted the sibs to be together. I thought the foster parents who refused to allow him to be placed with her at 8 months were evil people. 3 years later by a strange twist of fate that baby is my son's best friend. I was talking with his mom one day and made the connection that SHE was the evil foster parent my friend had been in a legal battle with. Of course, the story as SHE heard it was that my friend had been offered the child and did not want him because she couldn't handle another disabled child and that my friend waited to find out he was "perfect" before she tried to get him. THese families absolutely hate each other and the entire thing is based on a misunderstanding.

I am sorry that people are challenging the OP when clearly she was seeking support and information. The best support and information I can share is, try not to worry until you know the whole situation. And take whatever steps you can to find out that information first hand rather than through case workers. See if you can get together with the cousin and find out the actual facts. You may find out that she has way more of a connection to him than you thought and be happy to have her placed with him (or at least at peace about it) and you may find out that he really would rather not raise her but did not know there were any viable alternatives. There are so many people involved that I would say, it is highly likely that something has been lost in the translation.