[irelady10]

Hang in there, TMZ...things can change on a dime!

Perhaps the cousin felt pressured to way yes to care of this little girl, but may not carry through; you never know what turn of events may occur.

I have been in your shoes, and not so many months ago-I feel your pain. The best advice I got was to stay in the moment and enjoy your child every minute of every day!!

BTW, some of my twists and turns include: relative saying she wanted to care for baby, then changing her mind, then changing her mind again, then being ruled out by DCF; then, parents decide to sign identified surrender, then change their minds, then ask for a case plan to get baby back, then sign identified surrender in court...this all happened within a 4 month time frame!! Fost-adopt is SUCH a roller coaster!

[craftingmama]

Originally Posted by Singlemom619

I'm with you here. I believe family is who you make your family - not who you share a blood tie with. My children don't have a blood tie to me and they are definitely my family. I have a "mom" that helped raise me for 12 years and even though she's not even married to my father (for over 10 years now) I still consider her family and my boys call her grandma.

If I heard my blood relatives kids' were in care I wouldn't try any harder to get them then I would if I heard my neighbors' kids were in care (I don't know my neighbors.)

If my friends' kids were in care - the friends that spend the holidays with us and that are part of our family - I would fight tooth and nail for them.

and that is YOU. I was close to my cousin's when we were all living in the same area. but when their mother went wayward, the whole extended family kind of went different ways. But for those two little girls, family is family and family is who knows their roots, can tell them stories of their ancestors, etc. plus there are some family members they would benefit from still knowing, though they are unable to care for them full time.

[craftingmama]

luvmykids4

I think it's obvious that those of us who are foster parents 'lean' toward wanting the kids to stay with us. When you have cared for a child as if they are your own, it is not easy to see them go. This is compounded when you don't feel that a placement change is in their best interests. I could see how a family member fighting for a child could take exception to that, but in the end we want what is best for the kids.

A couple of thoughts:

5 months may not seem like a long time, except if you are the family loving the child, and thinking they will be with you forever. We just sent our fd home at 6 months old, and we had her since birth. It's not easy at all to do!

there's only one error in your theory there. I have been on both sides. the foster parent sending a child back to bio parents, and a relative trying to get custody of cousin's children.

[JPDakota]

But see, the important person is not the biological family nor the foster parents. The child is who is important here. A child can learn their biological history even though adopted. This I know from the adoptee side. Doesn't mean they have to suddenly be ripped from their security and thrust upon strangers. And from the child's perspective, they aren't prepared to shift their entire security net just to be in the presence of someone who has the same DNA markers. What the heck does a little one know about DNA? Trying to get them for a long time has to feel incredibly unfair, but the child isn't a party to that. That time is gone now. Why should the child pay the price?
No, I have never been a foster parent. No, I have never tried to get custody of a relatives child. I was a CASA, but that does not make me an expert nor tainted in either direction. My focus is the child. Dang, she's 3 and happy and secure. Can't the grown-ups just deal with that?

[icekitty]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

But see, the important person is not the biological family nor the foster parents. The child is who is important here. A child can learn their biological history even though adopted. This I know from the adoptee side. Doesn't mean they have to suddenly be ripped from their security and thrust upon strangers. And from the child's perspective, they aren't prepared to shift their entire security net just to be in the presence of someone who has the same DNA markers. What the heck does a little one know about DNA? Trying to get them for a long time has to feel incredibly unfair, but the child isn't a party to that. That time is gone now. Why should the child pay the price?
No, I have never been a foster parent. No, I have never tried to get custody of a relatives child. I was a CASA, but that does not make me an expert nor tainted in either direction. My focus is the child. Dang, she's 3 and happy and secure. Can't the grown-ups just deal with that?

AMEN. as a current foster parent and future CASA, i think more often than not, what is best for the CHILD gets forgotten, and little people have rights just like us. their needs have a right to be met and their voices, however small, have a right to be heard. when they can't speak up.....they have the right for someone else to do it on their behalf. someone who will fight FIRST, not for the rights of their parents, not the relatives, not even the foster parents.....but for THEM.

i suppose the only way to truly know how some of these kids feel is to ask those that went thru it how they coped. altho from a truly objective perspective, a child belongs with who gives them a sense of permanancy, safety and above all else...love.

[tmz12476]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

But see, the important person is not the biological family nor the foster parents. The child is who is important here. A child can learn their biological history even though adopted. This I know from the adoptee side. Doesn't mean they have to suddenly be ripped from their security and thrust upon strangers. And from the child's perspective, they aren't prepared to shift their entire security net just to be in the presence of someone who has the same DNA markers. What the heck does a little one know about DNA? Trying to get them for a long time has to feel incredibly unfair, but the child isn't a party to that. That time is gone now. Why should the child pay the price?
No, I have never been a foster parent. No, I have never tried to get custody of a relatives child. I was a CASA, but that does not make me an expert nor tainted in either direction. My focus is the child. Dang, she's 3 and happy and secure. Can't the grown-ups just deal with that?

I should have made it more clear....my daughter is 6.5. She has been in care since 3 months before she turned 3. She is old enough to understand all of this. I think I am more worried about her than us. She is truly happy with us. For the last 3 months she has been asking when she can start using our last name.

[tmz12476]

Originally Posted by craftingmama

you know what though? it is his child, and if he thinks a relative caring for her is a good thing, then maybe it is. foster parents go into it knowing that the ultimate goal is reunification and that family has rights before foster parents. it stinks but it is what it is. 5 months isn't very long for her to be with you, in the big scheme of things really.

5 months is an eternity to a child who has been looking for permanency. 3 months ago she startedf asking when she could start using our last name at school. She wants to know she is not going anywhere. When her caseworker changed she cried because she thought he was going to take her away! And that was 1 month after she lived here. She had stayed with us a lot over the summer before moving in. We bonded quickly. She is a wonderful child and she does not deserve to bebounced around!

I was told that the father only wants the cousin to take her now that he knows she is going to be adopted. He is being selfish. He did not care to provide for her at all in the last 3 years. This cousin is more of a stranger to her than I am! Dad just does not want someone else to have her!

[luvmykids4]

Crafting mama, I just want you to know that I was not taking a shot on you or what you said. From your post it appeared that you were a kinship foster parent, as opposed to a non - relative foster parent. I was merely trying to look at things from what I thought were two sides. ( blood relatives vs. non. ) This was not a criticism. Just wanted to clear that up.

Also, I think we all know that the children's best interest are the highest priority, but it's not always easy to determine what that is. And we all know that judges don't always do what appears to be best for the kids. We just need to do our best and work together for the kids.

[Larue]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We’re also looking into foster-adoption, and are total rookies. So I really have no experience to share. But I was thinking, and of course I know nothing about the history behind your daughter's case, but it is possible that the bio-father wants his cousin to adopt because he wants the assurance that he can have contact with his daughter in the future? Or maybe just to know about her and that she’s alright? Are you open to open or semi-open adoption? And if so, is there a way to convey that to him through the “system”?

Again, I’m so sorry, and I hope for good news in your case. Sending hugs!

[Mkuhlmann06]

TMZ - Im in PA and have done fostering, fost to adopt, and straight adoption. What county are you located in? All kids in PA have lawyers assigned to them, county case workers, sometimes private agency workers, and a GAL or CASA. Most of the time the lawyer and GAL/CASA do not interact with the foster family, but you can ask to write them each a letter, addressing your concerns and that you intend to adopt. You can also request a bonding assessment or request that the judge over seeing the case request a bonding assessment be done on your family. From my experience, the only time a foster family is preferred to biofamily as they do try to keep the kids with relatives, is if a bond has been established and getting a bonding assessment is a way for an outsider/professional to document for the worker/court, that the bond truly exists.

[MamaS]

TMZ - different states have different laws, and I don't know about PA, but I would question whether a judge would think the best interests of a 6-year-old girl would be to place her with a single male stranger who just happened to be distantly biologically related to her absentee father.
PS - Don't bother to flame me and tell me how un-PC I am and how men make good and loving fathers blah-blah-blah. If this young man wanted to be a father, he has had the opportunity for three years. If he didn't know, or is just "doing a favor" for his cousin, then the best interests of the child would be better served with someone she already knows and loves IMO.

[craftingmama]

I should have made it more clear....my daughter is 6.5. She has been in care since 3 months before she turned 3. She is old enough to understand all of this. I think I am more worried about her than us. She is truly happy with us. For the last 3 months she has been asking when she can start using our last name.


############
for a child to move that quickly and seemed 'settled', i'd personally be concerned about some attachment issues. You know, kids that move into the situation that easily often have attachment disorders, sad to say.

[tmz12476]

I don't think she has attachment isssues. I think she came here hesitant (she visited us when her former foster family went on a vacation). hat day she and my youngest son, who is only 8 months older tahn her, hit it off. They were instant friends and they are VERY close now. She got to know me and DH and she realized how caring we are. She visited us several times over the summer before she even knew we were a placement family. She thought she was just visiting to play - all approved by the agency. She had a great time here. One day she told me she did not want to go to an adoptive home because then she would not be able to visit us. She like us. She was comfortable here. She was able to play with kids her age and sh got to do things she had never doe before, like riding bike and going to amusement parks. That is our life. We are active and she enjoys that.

Love can grow very quickly when you are happy. We fall in love with people who treat us kindly every day. I love my neighbors, I have since soon after we moved here. That does not mean I have attachment issues. It means I am an open-hearted person who has met great people. Our FD is the same way. We are kind to her, she nows that and she appreciates it. She goes to counseling. Her counselor and caseworkers WERE all pleasantly surprised with how well she took to us but they see now that it isa healthy attachment. She is not on my lap all the time. She plays well with other children. She is just an amazing person...enough said!

[tmz12476]

Originally Posted by MamaS

TMZ - different states have different laws, and I don't know about PA, but I would question whether a judge would think the best interests of a 6-year-old girl would be to place her with a single male stranger who just happened to be distantly biologically related to her absentee father.
PS - Don't bother to flame me and tell me how un-PC I am and how men make good and loving fathers blah-blah-blah. If this young man wanted to be a father, he has had the opportunity for three years. If he didn't know, or is just "doing a favor" for his cousin, then the best interests of the child would be better served with someone she already knows and loves IMO.

Let me start by sayin, I do not know if this cousin is single or married, but...

This little girl is hispanic, her hair is beautiful but horrible at the sametime. Every morning I wet her hair, apply lotions, style and blow dry it, would a man do that for her? She is a little princess and likes to look nice. She wants this done. He works, will he put her in daycare? Is that better for her than being here with a stay at home mom who has kids here for her to play with (I am NOT putting down day-care...I am just saying in this case it does not make sense). I don't see why taking her from a loving FAMILY to be with a single man she does not know would be in her best interest now. If he had stepped up to begin with so that she never had to go into the system and suffer the way she has, then a single father, I am sure, would be WONDERFUL. I have no problem with single parents, just why now when she would have a wonderful FAMILY to love her.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by tmz12476

She is truly happy with us. For the last 3 months she has been asking when she can start using our last name.

From what you mentioned previously you may be dealing with attachment disorders too. I'd put her in therapy if she already is not. A child that comes into a totally new home asking to have a name change to feel like she belongs may have issues you aren't aware of. I'm not saying she does, but from this sentence it looks like you may want to get her help.

And be careful about coming to negative conclusions about the cousin. If you don't know them then you can't say one way or the other if they are safe or able to care for this child. That to me is judging someone before knowing them. You should wait to see if this person steps up and see what happens. I know, the previous FP's to our daughter highly judged us and it wasn't nice stuff they said about us. They tried very hard to block us from placement and that hurt me.