[krisrose]

I am in the process of adopting a 12-year-old I'll call "M". She has been living with me for seven months now. We had a big adjustment period in the summer which I think had a lot to do with just getting used to each other. We worked through a lot of those issues and things seemed to get a lot better once school started. She's made new friends, done well in school and really bonded to my family--parents, sisters, nieces and nephews. She has been seeing a therapist since October to help with the transition. Her foster parents were her great-aunt and uncle and she loved living with them and also had a lot of friends in her old hometown. I know she misses them a lot. She however does not talk about her feelings much if at all. I try to get her to and she will just shut down or divert the topic. However, on the surface things are going well and she seems to want to be with me. We had a great Christmas and she was very excited over the holidays. Just yesterday she asked when our court date was for the finalization. It can be six months after a child moves in in the state I live in. I have been under the impression the last few months that our court date was in February.

I received an email and phone call from our social worker this morning. She said we have a court date next week and that M is not ready for finalization and we need family counseling and have issues to work on, etc. In her phone call, she said that M is in tears when she meets with the therapist and doesn't understand why she can't live with her family. When the social worker comes to visit, she's fine...with me, she's fine. She said she needs to learn how to talk about her feelings with me, which I agree with, and we need family counseling ASAP to avoid a disruption down the road. She also said the therapist was concerned about my being in recovery. I have been sober from alcohol for 7 years and work a 12-step program. This was all in my paperwork for the adoption. I've always been open about it.

The phone call just scared me because she mentioned the word "disruption" and said something about not wanting to have to place her somewhere else. That just floored me because after all this time can something like that happen. I guess I'm just in a little bit of shock because from my end I thought everything was going good. We have come a long way since the beginning but I guess we have a much longer way to go than I thought.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice to calm me down? I've been anxious and scared the last couple of hours. Do I say anything to M about any of this or what do I say to help us work through this? The social worker told me not to tell her what she told me. I'm just sad. I do want M to be happy whatever it takes...

[sparkle1908]

I don't have any advice, just hugs for you and M....I am sorry that this is happening to you both!!

You both look very happy on your pictures and I hope the therapy will allow her to open up to you (and her therapist) about her feelings...sounds like she doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she is keeping things bottled up from you....I know this is hard for you both...hopefully some more experience parents will chime in!!!

Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!

[dakotabluebaby]

I just wanted to add in, although it might not help

At her age, i never spoke to my family about anything I was feeling... that doesn't make it better but I think it makes sense that she is not opening up to you.

I mean I would break randomly when I felt like the pressure to talk wasn't there but then clam up again for a long while.

Shes at a tough age, girls really start redefining who they are and what they are worth.

stick it out, support her and most importantly have fun with her, for me anyway it was how much my parents enjoyed spending time with me that I used to measured their love