[dragonaries]

In trying to decide what type of child(ren) I would be open to, I wondered about something.

If a child has a sibling and they have a strong connection and they are together, is that a sign that RAD may not be an issue? I know trust and attachment will be a slow and long process for aparent and kids, but I really want to avoid any possible RAD.

My mother is disabled and in motorized wheelchair, so her safety is my first priority in selecting kids.

I'm open to 4-12 yr olds, same gender, open race, max of two kids (though, I'm "working" on getting the number possibly higher to 3, my mother does get some input because she is in home. hehe).

Am I naive in thinking that RAD would not be possible issue if the siblings are attached to each other? I'm still in the learning phase, so I apologize if the question is covered elsewhere on the forums.

Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

The problem lies in determining IF the siblings truely ARE attached. My twins were NOT attached. ONE was attached to his brother but the brother was not attached to him. Siblings also often have "trauma" bonds that are not true, healthy bonds. SWer's often mistake kids playing together as them being bonded. I took a sibling group of three that were said to be bonded and energetic. Two of the three had severe attachment disorder.

What you want to look at is what age a child left bmom. How many moves did that child have. Has the child been with the foster parents long term? Can you talk to the foster parents concerning behaviors and their feelings of bonding. Why, if the kid is doing well in the foster home are foster parents not adopting?(and some FP just foster but some can't stand the child and want them gone-you want to know what the reason is)

Those types of things are more likely to help you determine how able a child is to bond.

[dragonaries]

Ahh. Thank you. That's exactly the stuff I was missing then. I thought there was more to it but didn't "see" it.

And I will definitely be asking to talk with foster parents and hopefully teachers about interactions at school.

[MilehighDad]

Let me say, I think it is awesome that you want to adopt an older kid, and even better that you want to take a sibling group. But, just make sure that you are not setting unrealistic expectations for how the kids will treat you. You will be a stranger to them, and it will take a long time for them to trust you and believe that you are their mom. Their basic distrust and fear make sense, but often result in behaviors that are called RAD.
Therefore, I'm worried that you may not be able to avoid what you will interpret as RAD with the children eventually placed in your home.

I believe that the behaviors that are identified as RAD are common to nearly all children who are traumatized. The degree to which they occur varies in different children, but I think it is a normal human response to the repeated trauma of being taken from a birth family and moved to live in a strangers home, usually multiple times. Certainly, some children have more severe behaviors and their attachment issues can seem insurmountable.

In other words, RAD may sound like a simple definition of a child that does not have the ability to attach. Under that definition, it would make sense that any child attached to their sibling must not have RAD. In truth, however, what will matter is can the child attach to you, and how hard will it be when they don't? That is completely different than being attached to a sibling they have been with for their entire lives.

I guess what I am recommending is that instead of saying that you want to avoid RAD, that you set your goal as wanting to avoid certain behaviors. I just don't want you to feel betrayed and disappointed when the hard times come and it appears like you have a RAD child that the SW's said had no attachment issues.

All that being said, I have two awesome kids that both carry the RAD label. Their issues are very different but both of them just need us as their parents to love them and help them feel safe. Providing that for a kid who needs it is immensely rewarding and will carry you through the rough times. Good luck, I hope you are matched soon!

[mommytoEli]

well said, well said, well said. i just wanted to add that sometimes, cw's are not upfront about problems! *gasp in horror* lol. for 2 years, a dx of RAD and other issues sat in the file of our child while we called and called telling them about the horrific problems we were having and BEGGING for a psych eval....and all along they KNEW what was wrong with our kid and LIED at every turn. so be careful about what they tell you about children, it is not always accurate.

[dragonaries]

Thank you both.

MilehighDad - When I say RAD, I guess I mean in the more extreme realm of things. Violence and never being able to feel that attachment to a parent. I know there will be attachment issues of some sort after having been through so much in such a short life span.

I'm more than willing to put in the effort and time. I'm reading the success stories on here even though it's rough to start with but over time (even years) that feeling of love and bond grows on both sides of the relationship.

I'm an only child and raised by my mom. So I just want to make sure she is safe with any child or children I bring into the home. We have had talks about stuff and are very open in what it will be like for the first months (or years even). My mom is my main support and I have to take her into account in whatever I do. She will be primary babysitter/caregiver while I work during the day for afterschool for a few hours. Though I am looking into other after school activities for the child. I found a martial arts studio a few blocks down from my new house, and close enough that my mom can ride/walk with the child to drop them off at the lessons and I can pick them up after class. I already talked with the owner, he has kids/teenagers hang out at his studio all the time and they are welcomed.

So I'm trying to think of all avenues as I go along. I may end up with only one child to begin with. I can relate to an only child syndrome very well. And that would allow for bonding on the one on one level.

Thanks for the input.

[MilehighDad]

I think it sounds like you have a solid perspective on what it will be like. I'm glad that you will have lots of support from your mom, because you will need it. I also highly recommend karate, it has been great for our kids.