[bookwormmommy]

I have a question about the effects of sexual abuse on young children. The girls were 6 and 1 at the time. Don't have much more information than that.
The adoption worker sent me the sibling groups profiles today. We were very excited they are exactly what were are looking for. They are 7(F), 2(F), & 1(M). Down side both girls were sexual abused.
We have a five year old daughter. Do you think we should even consider or just bow out now before sending our home study? The profile say the 7 year old acted out at the emergency shelter but doesn't say anything about acting out at the foster home she is in now with two other girls. Siblings are in another home.
Thanks for any info or advice. Not sure if this was the right place to post. If not please redirect me.

[Perfect7]

DH and I were adament about no sexual abuse because of our young children and the risk of a child being a perpetrator, but our cw got us to reconsider as long as they don't act out it would be okay. Some estimates say 90% (if not all) children in foster care have had sexual abuse so the odds of finding one with none are slim. Most just aren't known until afterwards. If they weren't abused in their birth family, it could have occured at the hands of another foster child. I also believe not everyone sexually abused will act out. There are precautions, such as a motion alarm on the bedroom doorway at night, that can be used. Me personally, I'd be more concerned about how she has acted now and most recently and how severe the abuse was. There are many levels.

[bookwormmommy]

Its comforting to know that another couple had the same thoughts as us.
I was thinking that if she is in a home with two other children one older and one younger it must be safe.
And you are right its about the behavior now, a year after removing that matters. I didn't think about how severe it was, that would make a difference.
I do believe I would like to consider this sibling group but I want my daughter to be safe. We are just so ready to haven't another child in our home. I just don't want to choose with just my heart. But also with logic of what’s best for everyone.
I also know just turning in a home study is no guarantee that we would get chosen either but I would hate to get that far and have to say no.
I will just have to see what the caseworker say about all the question I sent last night.
Thanks again. It so nice to have a place to talk with people who understand all this.

[Lorraine123]

Sexual acting out is just one part of the equation. Realize that sexually abused children don't come from loving, safe, moral homes. They have likely seen violence, crimes, pornography, etc. So, even if they aren't sexually acting out, they will have life experiences that your daughter does not. Realize that they will be teaching your daughter things that you may not like. They may cuss, they may lie, they may steal. Just because they currently aren't sexually acting out doesn't mean they won't in the future (the trauma of movign to your home could trigger it). Or they may be sexually acting out and no one knows. Be cautious. Do not let them share bedrooms. Do not let them play together unsupervised.

This is just my opinion - I would not bring these children into my home if I had a 5 year old. If something happens to your child and her innocence is taken, you will never forgive yourself. I personally would not risk it. JMO

[alinev]

We have friends who adopted from Russia and were required by their agency to have any prospective child reviewed by a recommended American adoption specialist in addition to the profile that was created overseas. Because of the distance, the child is videotaped a number of times, interacting with care givers, other children etc. The adoption specialists job is to look for signs of potential issues, both physical and psychological.

I am certain that hiring your own "specialist" may not come cheaply or easily depending on where you live but given the saftey concerns for your daughter with any new children, these or any others, coming into your home, it may be prudent not to rely solely on information provided by state and local agencies.

[basimah]

At first I was also like "no sexually abused kids" . But then I realized that more than likely you won't know that the child has been abused until they have been in your home for a while. The fact that you already know this means you can be more prepared. Ask your social worker about the steps you would need to take to keep everyone safe. Not just your daughter but also the foster kids too so that they don't become victimized again. If you don't think you can do what's needed, then you should pass on it. Also you need to know what the sexual acting out was. Did she make advances on another child or was she caught touching herself? And remember that these kids don't really see what they are doing as wrong. It's normal. They learned that it's how you comfort yourself or make someone else feel good or get some positive attention. How did the previous foster parents handle the situation? Definitely find out more information on the specifics before you make up your mind.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

We were looking for a sibling set and had an 8 yr. old bio daugther. We also said absolutley NO to sexual abuse. We were placed with a sib set of 3. There was no sexual abuse disclosed to us and our worker knew it was not ok with us. Well, one month after placement we were reading their files in great detail and read about the 2 older ones acting out (ages 6 and 5). I was SO freaked out. Our worker was so calm and acted like it was no big deal, that almost all the kids in the system and exposed to it somewhere. Our kids were not sexual acting out here, but were in a previous foster home. Long story short, we still have the kids and are preparing to adopt them in a few months. I was very nervous about having a boy only 18 months younger than my bio daugther who had acted out. But, so far - not an issue. We watch it closely, we do not think they were sexual abused, just exposed to some stuff. If I had known though, we most likely would have said, "no thank you" to these kids. But, I am glad it turned out the way it did, these are my kids and we love them to death. I do not know if that helps. PM if you would like to.

[bookwormmommy]

Thanks for all the advice. I definely want to see what the caseworker has to say before we decide. At this point I don't know what to think.
We missed a call last night for a foster placement. So I guess I'm just depressed about the whole foster/adoption issue.
Hopefully the holidays will cheer me up. Thanks again for all the advice. Will let you know if I ever hear from the caseworker again.

[shy_bear]

We would NEVER take a child who has a known history of sexual abuse or acting out. I know in f/a things are not known or not told to the potential family, but I will not put my children at risk b/c of my choice to bring a child into our home. Our son is 17 mths and delayed; I would never get over it if another child hurt him. I know if and when we decide to adopt again it will make our wait longer, but MY children's safety is top priority and if a cw has to convince you otherwise you need to work with a diff. agency or DHS department.

[bookwormmommy]

I'd like to thank everyone for the advice and sharing their personal experiences. It helped us make a tough decision. You read about the kids online and your heart wants to love and take them all in. We have decided to be patient and wait for the children that are meant to be ours. Or just for the chance to love and help a child for awhile while the parents sort things out.
Thanks again to everyone. I love the support and honest answer you can receive here.

[hugsnlove1287]

i was sexual abuse when a was 8 years old but i come for loving, safe, moral home and did not seen violence, crimes, pornography and also shared bedroom with my lil sister and i did not sexually acting out. thank you?

[Perfect7]

Hugsnlove, were you removed from your home and placed in foster care? If so, I doubt it was a loving, safe, moral home. If you weren't placed into foster care, then the issues of home life of foster children discussed above do not apply to you. This thread discussed foster children, and not the sexually abused community at large. Not all children who were sexually abused act out, and I do not think anyone is claiming they do. However, the initial post was regarding a child who had been sexually abused and who had already acted out.

[jphollen]

I think the situation can of course vary. Experts say that kids who have been abused sexually have the potential to act out sexually on themselves or others. This is sometimes thought of reliving the act of abuse itself. To some kids it's a distorted way of expressing love. Someone has told them if you love them you will do this with me (in some cases).

In the case of a foster child in my opinion, in many cases sexual abuse was not the only hell they lived through. Loving safe homes cannot always protect a child from a neighbor or another relative abusing a child. In the case of kids in the system a safe home wasn't there to fall back on and the abuse could have been from a variety of sources. Our former fd was allegedly traded for drugs and even abused allegedly by bio mom.

Try to put the foster spin on it. I had some personal and professional experience with this type of abuse. I think it's safe to say some kids act out while others never would. The thing is you can't always tell which is which. So it's never safe not to assume there is not a POTENTIAL.

[HopingforAlex]

Originally Posted by Perfect7

Hugsnlove, were you removed from your home and placed in foster care? If so, I doubt it was a loving, safe, moral home. If you weren't placed into foster care, then the issues of home life of foster children discussed above do not apply to you. This thread discussed foster children, and not the sexually abused community at large. Not all children who were sexually abused act out, and I do not think anyone is claiming they do. However, the initial post was regarding a child who had been sexually abused and who had already acted out.

While many may take for granted that it's the parents that put their children at risk, we cannot and SHOULD NOT forget there are situations where parents are truly powerless in this system. NOT ALL parents are bad, evil child hating monsters. Some are MORAL, Loving, supportive and have issues to deal with on their own.

Please don't forget that children suffer abuse of all types, from many other people than their own parents. In many cases, the children are removed from their homes when abuse is found, even if it's an aunt or an uncle or a cousin or family friend. While mom and dad may be completely moral and abusing a child is the last thing they would ever consider, perps are EVERY where and with many families having to have both parents working and day cares and babysitters, etc... the exposure potential is much greater.

To judge what one poster knows to be her truth against what your experiences say are your truths is wrong. There's no fact in that, it's opinion and while many of us have pretty set opinions about some topics, we should also remember to not belittle the truths we each have, even if they don't mesh with our beliefs.

[hkolln]

Our now 9 yr old niece (who is now our daughter) was sexually abused from most likely birth to age 6. Her sexual abuse was horrific supposedly..the SW even said there would be issues with it. She never acted out with the previous FP's. She has been here with us 1 1/2 yrs and no acting out either. She knows that sex is private and we do know she most likely does masterbate. This is normal for sexually abused kids. We have been told she may become sexually active at an earlier age. She is in therapy and it is helping with other behaviours...however I see no signs of the sexual abuse. I don't believe ALL kids sexually abused act out. I really think it depends upon the child. I wouldn't place a child that has been sexually abused with a younger child just to be safe as a younger child is more vulnerable. Our bio daughter is 5 yrs older and knows what to watch out for. We are pretty open with her about it and she knows if something happens she can come to us.

And she came from what looked like a loving 2 parent home. Her biomom and her are very bonded and close. You can see it during the goodbye visit and all the cards/letters she's mailed her. Just because a child is sexually abused doesn't mean they also are dealing with other abuses. I guess not all cases are the same. And I think the parents tend to show more affection as to keep the child from telling.

But considering what this child has gone thru she's doing great!