[kidscrzymom]

This is my first post, although I have read oodles of posts for the last year or longer! This site is great, and I need some help.

Dh and I are new fos-adopt parents. We recvd our little guy Screech this summer. He was "low risk". Mom was absent, and had her services terminated early. Our TPR hearing was set for 1/09, all *was* looking good!

In the past few weeks, we've now established paternity. Dad is a "non-offending" parent. He's stable, has family support. He has a clean background, so he likely wouldn't have a caseplan to work. Now, why he didn't come forward til now is something I don't have an answer for, and I'd imagine it may be a moot point.

But we are preparing ourselves for the very likely scenario that Screech is going to be united with his father. I get that that's a good thing, for him.

My question is this:
any suggestions on helping our biological children through this? My 8y old boy and Screech are very bonded, and he's the most I am concerned about.
We had told them in the beginning about what foster care is. But once things moved along so quickly, and the TPR was set, we ALL let our guards down.

When do we tell them? Dh and I are planning to tell them once we have a definitive order, and timeline.

I guess the other question is, am I wrong to be presumptive that he'll go home with Dad?

Thanks in advance for any support or advice!

Mom to:
T-Brain, 2/98
Scooby, 6/00
Stinkerbell, 1/03

was hoping to adopt Screech, placed 7/08

[mommytoEli]

i don't think you are wrong to be presumptive....if i had to guess, i'd say he''ll be ru'd...this is another example of how you NEVER know what will happen in foster care...regardless of what they tell you. i'm sorry for you, and i hope it is a good situation with dad for baby.

when a baby that we were told we'd get to adopt, and we very much loved, went home. we were heartbroken. our kids were 2 1/2 and 11 and 12. we told them the truth......we thought we would be able to adopt this baby, but his mother was able to do all the things she needed to give the baby a safe and loving home....and so he was going to go home with his mom. we told them we knew it would be hard for them to essentially lose a brother, but that it was a really good thing for baby l. it was doubly hard for them to understand, because they are all adopted and were unable to be ru'd....it was tough....in the end, we were okay...most of us were happy for baby l, but we also agreed it would be a long time before we did foster care again, because saying goodbye IS hard.

[athikers]

I would assume he's going home. In reality, in the foster care world he has not been in your home very long and the dad would be the better place if dad is suitable and it sounds like he is. All you can do is explain it to your son, it will be hard, extreme hard, but hopefully he will come out okay on the other side.

[MassachusettsMom]

If your child does go back, perhaps you can still have contact? Or at least receive updates on how he is doing? Can you talk to your social worker about it and maybe try to develop a bit of a relationship with the dad before he goes back. Good luck! I know it is hard (we lost our first pre-adoptive placement after 8 months), but hopefully it will help to know that he is going to a stable home.

[Perfect7]

No advice, just lots of hugs. Just because a father is clean and stable doesn't always mean he wants to be a daddy. I don't think it's an absolute that he will want to parent his child, and maybe he would be happy with some contact and visits? I believe children should remain with their first parents if that's possible, but it's not always meant to be. One child we were potentially matched with had a stable father...who was married and this little guy was the product of an affair. Dad didn't want to raise him because he'd have to tell his wife. You never know the whole situation. If it's meant to be, it will. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

[ChelseaCherieL]

Can someone PLEASE tell me what TPR stands for?

On the topic note, I am very sorry it's leading to a possible goodbye, I agree with the other poster and see if the father would be willing to allow the children to still stay in contact.

[Withay]

ChelseaCherieL -

TPR stands for Termination of Parental Rights.

Feel free to ask what any acronym (or any other terms for that matter) means. Another place to find out if you don't want to ask is to go to the top of the page and click on:

Quick Links (toward right hand side)
Acronyms
First letter of Term



Welcome to our crazy group here at the forums.

[cantbuymeluv]

As a relative of a child in foster care.........(and I AM fighting to adopt him). Perhaps the Dad did come forward and the SW never told you? OR maybe the Dad just didn't know or know what to do?

I am sorry for the stress you must be feeling. IF the baby does RU with Dad, maybe you could ask to keep the kids in touch. IF the Dad is really looking out for the baby............he will say yes. A visit once a week for a while? Then once a month? It will be like having a cousin. Besides if the Dad is a first time Dad he may need your help anyways LOL I have heard some AWESOME stories of where the foster parents actually babysat the child for the birth parents I don't know if the Dad is near you but.......hey you never know unless you ask
I hope things work out for the best for baby and that your children can look back on the time with baby (IF he leaves your home) as wonderful and HOPEFULLY you guys can stay in touch. Wouldn't it be great to have such an extended family?
This is not the case with our sitation.........but MAN I wish it was
Thanks for caring for that baby with your whole heart and family, that baby received a special gift from all of you! AND who knows what will happen, maybe baby will end up with you

[kidscrzymom]

Thanks to all who have replied! I appreciate the kind words of support.

The update is this: there was a hearing on the 21st. My dh was there. He got to meet Dad and some family members. He said they were really nice people. In fact, grandma and auntie cried for us, because they cannot imagine how we must feel. The wanted to hear all about Screech. They thanked us for all we have done with Screech. They took a family vote, and deemed us acceptable. Dad explained his story, why he did not come forward earlier. I believe him, and while *I* would not have made the same choices or handled my affairs the same way, I do NOT judge him in how he handled things. I can see why he thought what he thought and did (or didn't do) what he did.

At the hearing they "returned the case to dispo." I guess to be investigated. Another hearing has been set for 3 wks from now. Dad was awarded visits twice weekly, and to include overnights. Those visits haven't started yet, I think this is because the case was yet again transferred to someone else, and then the holiday came. I *hope* we can get all the visits set up on the calendar next week. I can't imagine how the family must be feeling right now!

Our ASW finally admitted we are now longer part of the plan. We knew that, but to hear her finally say it, was a mix of sadness and relief. So its not a matter of IF Screech is going to Dad, but WHEN. We are told it will either be immediately after the hearing in 3 wks, or Dad could be ordered services and then it would be months.

We told the kids last weekend. So far, they took it well. We were honest, but kept it kid-friendly. I know that when the actual day comes, it will be more real for them, and we'll deal with it. The 8yr old I am so worried about? Well, just the other day, out of the blue, he asks "can we do this again?" I am like, do what again? "This, like can we be called again, like this year?" While we were waiting to be certified, he'd come home from school and ask if we'd gotten "called" about a match. We talked about it, and I was SHOCKED at him! Just shocked! We told him we have to wait for things to be resolved with Screech and then we can talk to our SW.

So, while we are are sad, this is a really good ending, to a crappy situation for Screech. Our hope is that he'll be returned at the hearing. From what little we're told, the family is stable and clean, and "non-offending". So we don't what to see this drag out.

So that's the update! Thanks again!

[spicedmama]

You are to be commended on your acceptance of the outcome of this case and for your family's graciousness, too. It's a hard road when we deal in matters of the heart.

Peace

[mommy2fiveplus]

I am so glad that your son is taking it better than expected, please remember he may not take it quite as well the day the Screech leaves. I was in his same boat a few times and it really stinks, but 20 years later I am a foster parent myself and the experiences really helped to grow the person I am. I will not sugar coat it, there were times when I was the most heartbroken little kid you ever saw, having lost siblings that were truly "MY brothers". But working through the grief process gets a little easier after the first time.

By the sounds of the comment your 8 y/o made "when can we do this again" he is well on his way to being a steller foster sibling to many kids in the future. It is great that he can attach and love these kids while they are there. Nuture that ability in him and protect him and give him a little time to heal and grieve, he will need it even if he doesn't act like it. Know that he is special, my sister would not attach to any foster siblings for several years after the first one that was suppossed to stay RU'd, she flat out did not even want to talk about fostering. All kids are different, I grieved deeply for our lost brothers but I always loved the next one just as much and was glad we continued to foster after that first loss.

Good Luck and I am sorry for your loss, but I am proud to see a really great foster parent that has respect for the bio fam and knows how important RU with them will be to the foster child. It is easy to forget those things when we are hurting and sad.