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  #1  
Old 10-30-2008, 09:21 AM
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akcskye akcskye is offline
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Sitting on daddy's lap?

Hey all...this hasn't happened in a long time, but I feel it's worthy of a thread anyway...so we can share our thoughts.

When my daughter first moved in, she ALWAYS wanted to sit on my husband's lap. What daughter doesn't, right?

Well, I put a stop to it and except from my mom, who was very supportive of my decision (but she also knew the circumstances), everyone else I knew would get in an uproar about me not allowing my daughter to sit on daddy's lap.

I NEVER disclosed WHY I wouldn't allow it to happen...I would just explain that at her age (10), I felt it unacceptable for a girl to sit on her dad's lap because of how close it is to his "manhood" and that any woman knows that even a breeze of wind can make it "stir", and I didn't want hubby or daughter in an embarrassing situation.

That's not the reason though...she was SA by a family friend, and never had a dad in the picture, and was subject to watching bmom maul and grope her boyfriend.

It was more to protect hubby from any possible inappropriate touching from daughter because at the time, I didn't "know" her to know if she would or not.

Also, because her SA happened by being on the abuser's lap at a drive-in, I didn't want her to have some sort of trauma about sitting on dad's lap.

So...what do we do? Deny our child a basic right because someone else has taken away their "innocence", or succumb to others who say it's wrong to do so without explaining the whole situation?

I know now (looking back over the 2 years) she just innocently was glad to finally have a dad and loves him dearly...but at that point in the adoption, there were no boundaries on physical contact and love, etc. yet.

Personally, I feel I did the right thing...but just needed to share and hear from others about what they would have done (or will do if you're not at this point yet).

Thanks!
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Last edited by akcskye : 10-30-2008 at 09:25 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-30-2008, 09:42 AM
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I took a lot of grief from friends and family when we limited physical interacts like this. Our fd was sa, and her boundries were loose. We had to do more side hugs and things like that because she would be well inappropriate. Anyway we couldn't/wouldn't go into reasoning behind it with everyone. You would have thought I was the worst mother on earth, according to everyone else. They thought I was awful. Bottom line you gotta do what you gotta do!

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  #3  
Old 10-30-2008, 10:43 AM
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You are the parent and you know your child best. I have had to limit physical interactions and I have gotten grief about it from others. But, you know what, they don't live with her daily and they don't know her past.
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Old 10-30-2008, 11:40 AM
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i would hope that if they knew you did foster care, and why some kids are in foster homes, that they would shut up and trust your judgement because you obviously know something they don't. but i guess that is not always the case and not everyone thinks like that. i know as a foster parent, when another foster parent tells me their child is not to do something i know that there is a pretty good reason most times and can figure it out on my own.
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  #5  
Old 10-30-2008, 11:44 AM
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I limit physical contact to hugging only family members when it comes to my children. In my line of work I see a lot of perverts, and nobody knows if it's the neighbor, the school coach, the bus driver, etc. So with my children they know not to hug anyone except a family member. If others do not like it, too bad. I am keeping my children safe. When they are older, they will learn to distinguish between good hugs and bad hugs and can make their own decisions. I'd rather be overly cautious than have one of my children victimized. So, I don't think it applies to just children who were SA. When it comes to being a mom, you have to go with your gut feeling on what is right. I think our children are more important than other people's opinions. :-)
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  #6  
Old 10-30-2008, 12:11 PM
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It seems that whenever our parenting and boundaries have to be different than what generally occurs with most people then we get questioned. .

I too have had to set some boundaries that others might not understand. After a few incidents and discussions my closest family members have learned they have to follow my lead

Considering the majority of foster children in my home that were abused (SA or otherwise) it was a family member that did it, I am always cautious around ALL family members. Call me jaded but to be honest not all of the people who abuse children LOOK like monsters, most of them look like you and me.
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  #7  
Old 10-30-2008, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ranoutofnames
It seems that whenever our parenting and boundaries have to be different than what generally occurs with most people then we get questioned. .

I too have had to set some boundaries that others might not understand. After a few incidents and discussions my closest family members have learned they have to follow my lead

Considering the majority of foster children in my home that were abused (SA or otherwise) it was a family member that did it, I am always cautious around ALL family members. Call me jaded but to be honest not all of the people who abuse children LOOK like monsters, most of them look like you and me.

Amen!

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  #8  
Old 10-30-2008, 04:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfect7
I limit physical contact to hugging only family members when it comes to my children. In my line of work I see a lot of perverts, and nobody knows if it's the neighbor, the school coach, the bus driver, etc. So with my children they know not to hug anyone except a family member. If others do not like it, too bad. I am keeping my children safe. When they are older, they will learn to distinguish between good hugs and bad hugs and can make their own decisions. I'd rather be overly cautious than have one of my children victimized. So, I don't think it applies to just children who were SA. When it comes to being a mom, you have to go with your gut feeling on what is right. I think our children are more important than other people's opinions. :-)

This is part of the reason I homeschool. You DON'T know who is a pervert and who isn't. Last year, there was not a month that went by that we didn't hear of a teacher on the news in the metro Atlanta area, that had molested one of their students. So in short I agree with your reasoning.

To the original poster, you and your husband are the ones responsible for this precious child. I think you are perfectly within reason to limit the amount or type of contact your daughter has with anyone. I always stressed to my kids (girls and boys) that they didn't have to hug or kiss anyone...if they weren't comfortable with it. At church, I taught them to shake hands instead. I also taught them to listen to their "vibes" if a person didn't seem right. I know this isn't the same as your situation but my point is, we all have to make judgments as to what's appropriate for our kids.

Kuddo's to you for doing what's best, in spite of the criticism you experienced!
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  #9  
Old 10-30-2008, 05:13 PM
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this is related a little bit...i know everyone tells their kids not to let anyone touch or see their privates, but i also stress to mine that no one should be showing you theirs or asking you to touch theirs either...that everyone's privates are private.
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  #10  
Old 10-30-2008, 08:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbee
this is related a little bit...i know everyone tells their kids not to let anyone touch or see their privates, but i also stress to mine that no one should be showing you theirs or asking you to touch theirs either...that everyone's privates are private.

Me too jbee! I tried to cover every scenario with them. We just can't be too careful these days. I used to "drill" my kids about "who" had the right to touch their privates or have them touch theirs. I would name names...I would ask, "Does Uncle "Bo" have the right to touch your privates?" "How about the preacher?" etc. I would even include us, so that they could see that NO one was excluded from this list (I would always say something like, "Does Mommy have the right to touch your privates?" "No...only if you're in the bath tub and I'm washing you and I'm trying to check you for boo-boo's").

I know it may sound like I made them paranoid, but I haven't. However, they do have a stong sense of self and no that no one should violate that!
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Stephen - 13 years
Timothy -10 years
Sarah - 9 years
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Hannah - 2 years

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  #11  
Old 10-31-2008, 05:30 AM
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<<Personally, I feel I did the right thing...but just needed to share and hear from others about what they would have done (or will do if you're not at this point yet).>>

Then, IMO, you did the right thing. Better safe than sorry and there are other ways to be close without being on a lap. I wouldn't second guess yourself, you did what felt the safest and safety always comes first.
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  #12  
Old 10-31-2008, 08:21 AM
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You absolutely did the right thing!!!!

DH gets...happy...from looking at me doing the dishes, sometimes. The is no way to control it

You are doing what is right for your daughter, Especially due to her age and her history.

Bless your mother, she is being grandma and sees your daughter as innocent as fresh snow and the world is made of marshmallows. We all need a person like that in our lives.
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  #13  
Old 11-01-2008, 06:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2blessings
Me too jbee! I tried to cover every scenario with them. We just can't be too careful these days. I used to "drill" my kids about "who" had the right to touch their privates or have them touch theirs. I would name names...I would ask, "Does Uncle "Bo" have the right to touch your privates?" "How about the preacher?" etc. I would even include us, so that they could see that NO one was excluded from this list (I would always say something like, "Does Mommy have the right to touch your privates?" "No...only if you're in the bath tub and I'm washing you and I'm trying to check you for boo-boo's").

I know it may sound like I made them paranoid, but I haven't. However, they do have a stong sense of self and no that no one should violate that!
i know! everyone's always like, 'don't let anyone touch you'...but what about some weirdo who flashes you?
i am glad i'm not the only 'paranoid' one, lol.
i make sure they know even other kids shouldn't be showing or touching too...
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  #14  
Old 11-01-2008, 07:05 PM
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jumping over from the russian board (hope thats ok).

I feel you absolutely did the right thing for your daughter and daddy! I have a bio daughter that watched a man play with his you know what in a car. The man was only 21, but related to a family member. I was on my honeymoon and this family member was watching her while we where away. After calling the police and pressing charges, she was drilled on what happened several times then asked if he did something to make her look at him. When she couldn't remember if he made a noise (like jingling his keys or tapping the window) he was only charged with indecent exposure. Nothing to do with a miner!!!! In the state of Ohio the laws on sexual behavior with a child in a car are horrible!!!! I called every political party I could think of to tighten the laws, but I got very little interest in helping me.

Sorry I kind of got off on a rant, but I agree with protecting your children from these sick people.
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:12 PM
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I do the same thing with "nobody shows their privates" as well. I also talked to them about nobody showing them pictures or videos of other people's privates, taking pictures of them, talking about privates, and all of that. It does make you feel paranoid, but I'd rather feel that way than guilty for not teaching them. Kuddos to all of you wonderful mothers!!
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