[akcskye]

Hey all...I am just wanting your thoughts. I X-Posted this in the adoptive parents forum.

My long story short...I adopted 2 wonderful kids from foster care, and even though I will support them if they should ever want to see their birth mother again (ALL contact with any birth family was dissolved and advised against by DHS...but their reasons are extremely valid...won't get into it here), here's my question:

Parents...does it sting you to the core sometimes whenever you hear your child, who does know and remember their birth parents, to say they WOULD like to see them again once they turn 18?

Even after all the BAD they did to them and let happen to them? Even after all their birth family sold them a bill of "we love you, but you're too energetic to keep you" goods?

I could understand if the other family members were older, but this even came from a 50 year old grandmother and 35 year old aunt!!!

I mean, I know as an AP, I have EVERY right to have the feelings I have...and who wouldn't if you adopted a child(ren) with serious birth family baggage...but I can't help but feel guilty about feeling that way (even though I NEVER tell my children that is how I feel because I want them to always feel comfortable telling me about anything from their past, good OR bad).

Am I normal in feeling this way? Any sage words of advice?

Thanks for the vent...it does help to "talk" sometimes.

[shycar]

I like this topic. Dh and I talk about the possible future of our kids searching. Our kids came at a young age, but my ds asks many questions and I know someday he would look for his bparents. To be honest it doesnt sting me percise, but it worries me big time. My ds bfather has huge anger issues and I worry about that. My dd bmom and bdad are into gangs big time. Their life style is scary and very dangerouse just to be around them. Im scared that something horrible will happen to them when they meet them. I get scared that they will get hurt. I dont want them to be introduced to that life style. I want to just protect them always.

[joskimo]

I"m not there yet so can't fully reply but wanted to give my 2 cents anyways. My husband is adopted at birth and I'm adopted on my father's side - neither of us have an interest in reunification. Our youngest daughter is adopted at birth, woudl it bug me a little when/if she wants to communicate w/ her biomom? Probably. Would make me worry too. But she has biosibs who were adopted at birth as well, so I've been able to track down some of them and make friends with the parents. I try to remember that love is not like addition or subtraction, but more like multiplication. Her birthmom won't ever replace me.

I have a fost-adopt toddler in the home who sees biofamily 3 days a week during the day. If we are able to adopt her this winter I'm going to need to come to terms with not the "one day" of bio family, but the regular basis of dealing with them.

[dpen6]

I think sometimes you have to understand the why's of an adopted adult wanting to know about their birthfamily. To often the relationship part of reunion is given to much credence...IMO....bfamilies want "babies" back, adopted families feel they are lossing "babies". when really it about the person that was removed from bio family(whether the reasons were the best or the worst) and placed in a totally different ,new family. Even if the parents at the time were attila the hun and spouse the person adopted came from them. They may want to assimilate all parts of them(the bio and the person they became in adoptive family) and make the picture complete. they will have children of their own that are also a part of the bio family....In many cases adopted adults are NOT looking for new parents. That can't happen because the most important time of a persons life is chilhood when all the important devoplmental milestones are being achieved. the fact that that person experianced those milestones with a family that respects, loves, cherish, gives them the security and unconditional love totally changes who that person is to become. Even if their is a connection with bioparents when searched it can't not bring back childhood and change the course of who that person will become. Often its not about any of the parents when a person searches but about the adoptee finding pieces of themselves.

In your case, I think the abuse would be cause for fear. I would be very leary of an 18 yo searching those circumstanses unless they were told the raw truth in a compassiate way and have that followed up with counseling and exploring what they were actually looking for, exploring some of the different scenarios that may occur( both good and bad). People change they do get better, sometimes they don't.

The point is they are searching for themselves...not to hurt anyone else.

Thats the total package of what you have adopted, I think if you can attempt to understand(and I know its hard) and respect the feelings of the child and hide the sting it will put you more in the parental mode..not less.

I was adopted at the age of 2 1/2. I was in 6 differnt foster homes. I have no idea if I was abused or not( ireally don't think so) and my mom and dad fulfilled the parent need as a child, they also(mostly mom) understood my need to search and never vioced a judgment on me ssearching. They were concerned about me and the effects it would have on me.as a 50 yo now...I have the utmost gratitude and love for my parents for loving me enough to understand...and respecting my choices.

[Perfect7]

I was also adopted at 12 by a step-parent adoption. I hadn't seen my biological father since I was 7. When I was 19 and went looking for my biological father, my mother threw a fit and was not supportive. She tried to make me feel guilty, when I was the innocent person in the whole thing. I found my biological father, whom I had placed on an imaginary pedastle my whole childhood. When I found him, I saw that he was a self-centered, selfish individual who cares for only himself. Seeing it with my own eyes dissolved that pedastle and gave me more appreciation for my adoptive father. Had I not found him, he'd probably still be up on that throne where he didn't deserve to be. So I wont worry if my adopted child wants to search. Take it from me, it will probably make them love you all the more and had my mom supported me it would have been easier.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by akcskye

Hey all...I am just wanting your thoughts. I X-Posted this in the adoptive parents forum.

My long story short...I adopted 2 wonderful kids from foster care, and even though I will support them if they should ever want to see their birth mother again (ALL contact with any birth family was dissolved and advised against by DHS...but their reasons are extremely valid...won't get into it here), here's my question:

Parents...does it sting you to the core sometimes whenever you hear your child, who does know and remember their birth parents, to say they WOULD like to see them again once they turn 18

Even after all the BAD they did to them and let happen to them? Even after all their birth family sold them a bill of "we love you, but you're too energetic to keep you" goods?

I could understand if the other family members were older, but this even came from a 50 year old grandmother and 35 year old aunt!!!

I mean, I know as an AP, I have EVERY right to have the feelings I have...and who wouldn't if you adopted a child(ren) with serious birth family baggage...but I can't help but feel guilty about feeling that way (even though I NEVER tell my children that is how I feel because I want them to always feel comfortable telling me about anything from their past, good OR bad).

Am I normal in feeling this way? Any sage words of advice?

Thanks for the vent...it does help to "talk" sometimes.

I am in the process of adopting and I definitely could see this being an issue for me, under certain circumstances.

For what it's worth, my advice would be don't take it personally. This is probably not a rejection of you, but more of an embracing of part of who they are. One training I went to explained it this way. They said that if you reject your kids parents because of what they did, and the kids were a part of that past abuse, sometimes the kids feel rejected because of the adoptive parents lack of acceptance of those same parents. Or something like that, lol.

[millie58]

Yes, it stings!!! But, in their eyes, bio moms can do no wrong. Kids don't know how to be "mad" at bio parents for the crap they do.

[buttascotchbaby]

Originally Posted by millie58

Yes, it stings!!! But, in their eyes, bio moms can do no wrong. Kids don't know how to be "mad" at bio parents for the crap they do.

Ohhhh, this has not been my experience! My son, especially, has a LOT of anger (or "mad" ) towards his bio mom. At 3 years we are STILL working through it! I guess it maybe depends on the age of the child?

Although I am constantly surprised at my daughter, who had just turned 4 when placed with me, her memories of her bio mom are mostly only the negative ones. I would have thought after so long that human nature, being what it is, would dictate remembering good things. On one hand I am kind of glad that she not romanticize the bio mom too much (drugs, abuse, prostitution, etc. all the sudden becoming good things!), but on the other hand I am a little sad for her to not remember the times that were good and I know there were some, because I know that their bio mother LOVED them. She just made some very poor choices and was not strong enough to overcome addiction

[lucyjoy]

Does it sting? Yes, but I think it would sting even if the child were lovingly placed for adoption. I'm human-I want to be the mama they want.

However, I do understand why they want to know their bfamilies and I try very hard to be careful not to make MY issue with it, their issue. I give them honest information and my kids(now adults) and I have very open conversations about their other family. One son recently asked me what to do about having two mom's at his wedding. When they talk to me about it, it does make it sting less.

I only have one child who is in deep denial about his former abuse. The sons who have chosen to reconnect with their bfamilies did so with forgiving hearts.

So, does the sting go away, no, but it is okay for my sons to have 2 moms and lots of family.

[Perfect7]

I think for me it was more wanting to see if all the bad stories my mom told me were true, or just her anger over the divorce. They were all true. I also wanted to see where I got my crooked pinkies, my love of debate, my grimace when I'm upset. I looked a lot like my dad and it was more about "finding me" than finding him. It was kind of like wanting something you can't have and once you have it, it's no big deal. We talk maybe once a year by telephone or perhaps email, but he didn't come to my wedding (and wasn't invited). I'm reminded of that song "the cat's in the cradle". He never included me in his life and now I'm too busy with my own family to care. The only threat he was to my adoptive father was his memory, and now that I've seen the reality it's gone. It was closure for me, and I have a much deeper appreciation for my adoptive father whereas before our relationship was a bit distant. I was always thinking, "I have a dad already, why do I need you?" even if i never said that. Now I realize what a wonderful thing my adoptive father did, raising me and not giving up, and I love him more for it. He's grandpa to my kids, he's the one they love, and he walked me down the aisle when I got married. It's because of him that I have chosen to adopt myself, and he cried when I told him so. My biological father has no idea, ha ha!

[c.a]

Does it sting? Not for me.

Someone else on these forums wrote "we never ask a mother if she has a hard time loving more than one child, why do we have such difficulty understanding that children can love more than one mother."

We chose to have an open adoption for our son (who came to us as a foster child) for exactly that reason. She may not be able to parent him, but she can love him and he can love her. And that is no reflection on me or his bond with me.

He may also someday search for his bdad. And that's okay. I gathered and have kept as much information about his bdad as I could get prior to the adoption.

Do I worry about either bparent having a negative influence? sometimes. But if I give him unconditional permission to know and love them - I think I am on better grounds to talk with him about my concerns.

Of course - he's three now, and it's just a theory for me now. Ask me again in 15 years.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by c.a

Does it sting? Not for me.

Someone else on these forums wrote "we never ask a mother if she has a hard time loving more than one child, why do we have such difficulty understanding that children can love more than one mother."

That is so simple and so profound. It really struck a chord with me. I will be thinking about this all day--

My first thought was that the mother-child bond is so special-- but then I thought, so is the bond I have with each of my sons.