[Kat-L]

I will most likely be negotiating an open adoption agreement (enforceable in my state) before adopting "Brandon". Mom agreed to sign in exchange for an open adoption. She was never abusive. She does have "issues" but has never hurt the baby. Right now, she gets unsupervised visits once a week 6 hours. He always comes back happy and in one piece! She loves seeing him and very rarely misses a visit.

Since my state adoption agreements are enforceable, I want to make sure it's an agreement I can live with. Obviously, one day a week for 6 or 7 hours is out of the question. But, what is the norm? I don't want to commit to more than I can do. I also know that bio-mom is going to have a VERY hard time with the emotional aspect of adoption and will probably want a LOT of contact. I don't know how CPS will deal with this. In order to avoid a trial, will they go overboard in the "open adoption" area?

How much is too much? I'm sure I don't want weekly visits. Since I work full time, I only have weekends to spend with the kids and I don't want to commit to full days with bio-mom.

Also, I love kiddo's mom. However, there have been some serious issues which prevent her from parenting. Her life includes TONS of drama. She tends to take advantage of people..one of those "give an inch, she takes a yard" type. She has already sent me a text (last January) and asked if she could move in (CPS contacted her and told her not to text me again). After the adoption, what if she starts showing up? Texting? I don't want to get involved in all her drama.

Is there anyone else who has an open adoption after fostering? What kind of contact do you have? What is considered the norm?

[melissa_bear003]

Ewww. I honestly have no idea on what advice to give, because reading about her attempts at manipulation (the moving in, take a mile comment) I don't know if I'd personally be able to manage an open adoption that I'm locked into with no altering if things got way out of hand. Too bad it can't be a closed adoption with some agreed to parameters, that way if things did get out of hand, you had the ability to renegotiate.

I just wanted to wish you the best in whats to come

[sonia1959]

We do have an open adoption not su much with birrhmother but with our DD siblings and birthgrandmother, birth mom is out of the country, Visits are once a month. if they can not make there is no make up visits, b-days, major school events or religion events, this is till our DD is 10th if by then she does not want to go to the visits or see them she can veto that . which we will respect her wishes, she is now two. We have a good relationship with the birthfamily. Don't sign anything that you don't feel confortable. I do email pictures and update to my DD birthmother and she is happy with that. Good luck to you.

[momof9wantingmore]

We adopted our daughter from foster care and we have a semi-open adoption, which includes pictures and letters twice a year. I felt that the parents loved our dd and if they could always know that she is okay that would be a good thing, that said it has not turned out too well, the bios letters are inappropriate and come far too often. I cannot even show these letters to my dd because they are constantly trying to remind her that they are mommy and daddy and not us,(we have had her since she was three weeks old) and she was stolen from them by social services. I have tried to write and gently tell them to stop but they won't, so now the letters just go into a box for her to have someday. I really wanted this for the benefit of my dd, but the bios can't see beyond their own selves and put this little one first.

[c.a]

I adopted my son from foster care. We have an open adoption. We send two letters with pictures per year and we have two visits per year.

I was nervous before the adoption, but our visits have gone very well. We have had two visits so far and we happily stayed longer than the one hour required. We did the first at the local library during story hour and then stayed to play. We did our second one at a local playground.

We do set limits around contact. She only has a post office box where she can write us. She and her husband have tried to talk us into communicating by email, but we are not ready for that.

Here is my advice - have an open mind and an open heart, but also set limits and take it slow. Commit only to what you know you can follow through with. Expanding visits is less traumatizing than curtailing them (for everyone). Personally, and considering his age, I think that 2 visits per year is plenty - I would maybe consider agreeing to 3 or 4 (maybe).

Good luck.

[Boulderbabe]

I think you're prudent to be cautious about what you sign. I'd say, no visits for 90 days. You all need to settle. Then, maybe telephone calls weekly, 2 hour visits once a month, with the unwritten understanding that if things go well you'll up them.

[fostermomintx]

My son's bparents relinquished their rights in exchange for 4 visits a year plus letters/pictures. I had no problem with that arrangement so I agreed. I have a PO Box and they send everything to that. It's been almost 3 years since his bmother has seen him. She just dropped out of the picture. The bfather for the first year made every visit. He has only seen him 2 times this year. I think eventually he will cease contact but it will probably take a little more time. I know how much he loves my son and that's the main reason I agreed to it in the first place. My other 2 fkids, whose parents recently relinquished, are only going to get cards/letters/pictures to my PO Box, no visits. My son's bparents were pretty harmless and not intrusive so I was okay with that arrangement.

It just depends upon what you are comfortable with. I also thought that maybe the State would just want to appease the bparents by giving in to their requests so they would not have to go to trial but I was also open to cards/letters/pictures before they relinquished. Good luck to you...

[NotAMomYet]

Two thoughts:

One, include an “out” clause so that if the bio-parents do or don’t do blank, blank, or blank, the openness is cancelled.

Two, keep the agreement tight with as little contact as possible (visits once or twice a year with letters and photos in between). You can always allow more visits if you are comfortable doing so, but you can always go back to the original 1-2 times per year if necessary.

Personally, I would do a combination of the two.

[Kat-L]

I want to thank everyone for replying. It's helped a LOT to hear from people who have been there/done that. I want to do what best for "Brandon" so I do want it to be an open adoption. I was just so confused about how open I was supposed to be. Again, thank you to everyone who replied.

[Withay]

I've PM'd you.

[MommyWend]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

Is there anyone else who has an open adoption after fostering? What kind of contact do you have? What is considered the norm?

Kat-L, I'll share our story briefly. birthmom asked to go through mediation with us to put together an open adoption agreement before rights were terminated. We received the very good advice to only agree to the MINIMUM that we'd be comfortable with. I told the mediator we were open to 2x/year visits (although our hope was to visit 4-6x/year). birthmom came into mediation saying that the LEAST she would agree to was weekly visits, unlimited phone contact and monthly overnights! We had a slight disparity.

We then went to a face-to-face mediation which ended with birthmom calling us some foul names and storming out. Not good.

After that outburst, we told the mediator that we were only comfortable agreeing to send quarterly updates with photos. birthmom could send letters through a PO box. We would informally arrange visits in the future, depending on our daughters' development and attachment in our home.

I'm SO glad that we didn't put visits in writing. In some cases it's certainly fine, and it would have been fine if things went better for us in mediation, but it was wise to not promise contact after the way she behaved. We need to wait and see if she can overcome the hostility--and I think she'll overcome it, in time, but might not have had reason to overcome it if we had put visits in writing.

We also put guidelines about what kinds of behavior are expected in the adoption agreement. It says that she agrees to call herself by her first name (not Mommy) and that she will refer to us as Mommy and Daddy. I also recommend putting in language about what's appropriate and not appropriate at a visit. I think our says that if the adoptive parents find anything inappropriate at the visit, we will end it immediately and contact the birthmom later to explain what we found inappropriate. In your case, see if you can get guidelines about not asking to move in with you, showing up on your doorstep unannounced, etc.

Best wishes to you!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by MommyWend

Birthmom came into mediation saying that the LEAST she would agree to was weekly visits, unlimited phone contact and monthly overnights! We had a slight disparity.

That's one of my fears. My state enforces open adoption agreements so I have to be careful. But right now Mom has him once a week unsupervised for about 5 to 6 hours. I'm guessing she's going to want a LOT of contact. After the adoption worker is assigned, it will be moved to monthly visits-but I don't know if they will be supervised or unsupervised.
I know I don't want to do weekly visits. I know I don't want her to take him alone (I'm not afraid she'll hurt him..it's just a funny feeling that she may run off with him..probably a totally unfounded fear). I'm unsure about monthly visits. I'm a single mom and work full-time. Weekends are the only time we have together and they go by so fast as it is. I hate the idea of being forced to schedule a visit during what is already a jam-packed and very short weekend. I don't want to alienate b-mom by suggesting 3 visits a year-but I'm really worried about more visits than that.

Also, I'm worried about her calling & texting-so I have to have address the issue and would like to limit contact to email only.

I was thinking of setting up a blog where she could see pictures, get updates and leave messages. I don't know if this (along with two or three visits a year) will be enough for her, though. Like I said, she's used to a LOT.

Also, she tends to burn out friendships within a few months. We're not close so I don't know too much-but I have known some of her friends that she brought to visitation and it never ends well. Although I like her, I like her in small doses. I don't want to get trapped in a relationship just to adopt and then be sorry for my bargain.

I was originally thinking:
3 visits the first year
2 visits the second year
Annual visits from third year on
Pictures (hard copies) at least once a year
4 social calls/texts per year
Blog with online access to monthly updates & pictures.

Guidelines that said b-mom has to keep me updated with her current address. No make up visits if she can't be reached (she moves a LOT). She agrees not to give my address & phone number to her friends to have them make calls. I have to be present at visits and they take place on a weekend day in a mutually agreeable spot. I would contact her if he ever needed to be hospitalized. I would make sure the BLOG was updated at least once a month with text & pictures. B-mom agrees to end visitation if it's recommended by a licensed counselor, therapist or physician OR if the child refuses to attend visits (when he's older). I can end visits if I feel they are not in his best interest but will continue with pictures & blog until he's 18.

I dunno if she'll go for it, though.

[melissa_bear003]

Yeah, that's why I responded as I did in my first comment...I can see there being an issue from the access she has now vs what would be appropriate once the adoption is completed. From what you've said, I don't see her being agreeable to less than what she's getting now...but in order for an adoption to truly be successful, I don't (personally) see how that could possibly continue.

I wish you all the best