[Mom2blessings]

Just wondered what your opinions are on this. We've talked to the kids about changing their last name IF the judge says they can stay forever. Our 3 year old is quite happy about being a "Smith". Our 5 (almost 6) year old, is adamant about remaining a "Brown".

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I've thought about letting him keep his last name, but I'm afraid that one day it will wind up being a sign that he's not "one of us". I don't know how this will effect him in the future. He told my 12 year old the other day that he would change his name to Smith-Brown, but NOT Brown-Smith (how does a 5 year old even know about the significance of this???)

I talked with him tonight, and just reminded him that he can always come talk to me or get hugs from me when he is missing his mom. I also told him that it's okay to love his mom...and that I love her too. I told him that LOTS of kids have 2 moms and 2 dads, so IF he gets to stay here, he won't be the only child like that. I also told him that if he got to stay here, his name being "smith" would only mean that we are the ones taking care of him and keeping him safe...it DIDN'T mean that he doesn't love his other family. he's been extra snuggly since our little talk

I'd love to hear about your experiences with the name change issue. Do you have any recommendations on other things I could say to him or other ways to help him with this? I'll take any ideas or suggestions.

Incidentally we've talked about giving him other names, but we would never take his first name from him....it's important to him and part of his identity. But ADDING to his name...he's all for, lol. He actually said he wanted to be named "Kingdom Kids Club" the other night, when I told him we were going to church and he could go the Kingdom Kids Club program, lol. I told him I didn't think so.

[athikers]

My opinion would be if he is old enough to care... don't fight this battle. You can always change his name again later if he wants to drop the hyphenation. Hyphenate for now and keep him happy. He understands the significance of a last name and he wants to keep that connection to his biofamily. I would honor that.

[TxMom65]

Our daughter wanted our name from day 1. She hated the wait to get it changed.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by athikers

My opinion would be if he is old enough to care... don't fight this battle. You can always change his name again later if he wants to drop the hyphenation. Hyphenate for now and keep him happy. He understands the significance of a last name and he wants to keep that connection to his biofamily. I would honor that.

Thank you for this bit of wisdom. I've thought about just leaving it also. It wouldn't make a bit of difference in how I view him. I only worry that it will effect how he views himself i.e. an outsider or non-family member, etc.

But you have a good point...we can always change it later.

[qs mom]

My neighbor's son had a little girl, but divorced when she was 2. The ex wife was a very nasty woman, who signed away her rights to the little girl. That is until she saw how much the little girl loved her dad's girl friend.

Mom carried out a very, very nasty custody battle. Made it tough on dad to follow up on visitaton, etc. Dad finally gave up the battle, but never his rights.

Mom remarries. Child doesn't remember dad at all. Mom starts referring to her by her step father's last name. Never anything done legally. School would comply as call her by her 'new' last name, but all records were listed with her real name. Little girl was none the wiser.

Of course, until dad shows up at her place of employment on her 18th birthday. That is a whole other story!

But, you could have child go by old name until the child is comfortable with the new name.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by qs mom

My neighbor's son had a little girl, but divorced when she was 2. The ex wife was a very nasty woman, who signed away her rights to the little girl. That is until she saw how much the little girl loved her dad's girl friend.

Mom carried out a very, very nasty custody battle. Made it tough on dad to follow up on visitaton, etc. Dad finally gave up the battle, but never his rights.

Mom remarries. Child doesn't remember dad at all. Mom starts referring to her by her step father's last name. Never anything done legally. School would comply as call her by her 'new' last name, but all records were listed with her real name. Little girl was none the wiser.

Of course, until dad shows up at her place of employment on her 18th birthday. That is a whole other story!

But, you could have child go by old name until the child is comfortable with the new name.

Oh that's a great idea...you mean just change his name legally now while it's still easy, and still refer to him by his given birth name till he's ready? That might be the perfect solution, because I suspect that he will come around and want to eventually...especially as he deals with why he couldn't be reunited with his birthparents.


Okay, I want to know how the story ended Do tell.

[qs mom]

Well, when Nic turned 18, dad showed up. She had by this time known that stepdad wasn't her birth dad.

Dad had put his child support money into a savings account for her. And he had watched her grow up from afar. He had see her graduation, her prom, First Communion, Confirmation, etc. He would come in after the start of the ceremony and sit in the back while all eyes were facing front and slip out before people would turn around to leave. He had a whole photo album of her life that he didn't get to be a part of.

So, he shows up in her line at the grocery that she worked, introduced himself, said that he would like to get to know her and that he had college money for her if she needed it or wanted it. He gave her a card with his contact information on it. Told her that he would wait for her in the parking lot if she wanted to talk.

Of course, she freaked out. Told he that she really didn't want to talk with him that night. She had the manager walk her to her car that night. She had no idea who this crazy man was.

She eventually met with him. He's helped her out financially a little bit with the child support money that her mother refused to take and then claimed he never paid. But they don't have a real relationship so to speak. They talk occassionally, holidays and a few other times a year. But, I think that they both want more but are afraid. They do move a little closer as time goes by.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Mom2blessings

Oh that's a great idea...you mean just change his name legally now while it's still easy, and still refer to him by his given birth name till he's ready? That might be the perfect solution, because I suspect that he will come around and want to eventually...especially as he deals with why he couldn't be reunited with his birthparents.

I like this idea too--while we want to be sensitive to a child's feelings--a surname is a pretty adult decision. I don't think it's appropriate to leave it up to a five year old.

Having said that, we gave our ds our last name at his request and he was 6 1/2!!

[quiescentfury]

I would let him keep his name if that is what he really wanted. It will show him that you really care about his feelings and it will build a trust level. It is also who he is. It is his identity and he might not be ready to give that up yet. Like a previous person said you can change it later.

If you are going to just let him use his last name, but really chage it I would talk to the school and make sure it is ok with them. Also what if he always wants his last name. When he gets old enough he will know your name is his legal name. What if someone slips up in school readign the roll call, like a sub or someting. I don't think you should lie to him . If you are going to change his name, but let him use his current last name be honest with him about that. He might get pretty angry if you lie to him.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by quiescentfury

I would let him keep his name if that is what he really wanted. It will show him that you really care about his feelings and it will build a trust level. It is also who he is. It is his identity and he might not be ready to give that up yet. Like a previous person said you can change it later.

If you are going to just let him use his last name, but really chage it I would talk to the school and make sure it is ok with them. Also what if he always wants his last name. When he gets old enough he will know your name is his legal name. What if someone slips up in school readign the roll call, like a sub or someting. I don't think you should lie to him . If you are going to change his name, but let him use his current last name be honest with him about that. He might get pretty angry if you lie to him.

I don't think I'd lie about it. I'm not generally comfortable with that, especially when trust is such an issue. I'd tell him that we are going to change his last name on paper, but we'll continue to call him "brown" for as long as he wants. I'd also let him know that we can change it back when he is older if he wants to. Lots to think about.

But I'll have to think this through. You bring up some good points.

Does anyone else worry that her child will be found by birthfamily if their name is left the same?

I'm still undecided as to how much contact I feel we should have with her. On the one hand I know it can be beneficial to both the kids and the birth parents, but on the other hand, they are getting worse and worse with their drug problems. So I'm not sure I want birth mom/dad knowing that much about us/the kids.

[jbee]

i know some ladies take their maiden name as their middle name when they get married. maybe he could do that? just use his name for the middle and yours for the last?

[RobinKay]

He is five. Just tell him the rules are that kids in a family all have the same last name, and he can keep his birth surname as a middle name. He may be looking for your firmness to be secure with his new family and new name.

The school can deal with it if you need them to adjust the records--we did it at our school. It takes a lot of unpleasant insistence, but it can be done.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

He is five. Just tell him the rules are that kids in a family all have the same last name, and he can keep his birth surname as a middle name. He may be looking for your firmness to be secure with his new family and new name.

The school can deal with it if you need them to adjust the records--we did it at our school. It takes a lot of unpleasant insistence, but it can be done.

Thanks RobinKay. I appreciate the feedback your giving. And I do agree...I have to remember that he's just 5. This may be an issue where he feels like he's got to choose between families or such, and that's not a burden I want to put on him either.

[Blessed2x.]

I teach 5 year olds and it is quite amazing how deep they can be. They take things to heart, and sometimes their stresses come out physically or behaviorally if they can't put it into words.

It is very good if Mando can express his thoughts and wishes to you.

My instinct is to let him keep his name the way he wants, and later change it when he is ready.

Do the children see a therapist that could give you insight?

Good luck to all of you!

[Tudu]

We adopted a sibling group of 6 and had some desperate to change their names while others panicked. We came to the decision not to let them lose their first and last names but let them choose to add another name and our last name. Basically, they all remained "Smiths" (as a 2nd middle name) and added "Jones". In our case, 5 of the 6 chose to make their old first name their new middle name and they picked a name from our family (Gma, aunt, my DH, and myself) to make their new first names. Confused? We were for quite a awhile.

One more detail, our twins were 4 when they began choosing their names and they were the most set in their way and vocal about it. I am embarrassed to say they refused to keep any part of their name and picked a new first and middle so we eventually let them and they have really long names. They went from Astrid Jenny Hope to Ava Ann Astrid Hope Jones. (Not the real name, of course.) The additional middle names are no where to be found in regular life.