[Mom2blessings]

One of our foster kids is beginning to ask "When will I see my mommy again?" The TPR was yesterday, but the judge ended all visits a month ago.

That being said, I've not told them anything...and the caseworkers haven't told me what or when to tell them something either. I've been asking for permission to see a counselor for the kids. I had thought, ideally, we could start some counseling and then in a couple of weeks (or maybe even after the 30 day wait for appeals to be over) the counselor could give me some advice on how to tell the kids, in the least damaging way possible.

DFCS seems to be avoiding getting them counseling. I'm not sure why, because my kids are not having terrible issues from past abuse. I just feel like *I* need the counseling so *I* know how to help them. I'm just not sure what I should say.

I've always told the kids that it's okay to love their mom...and it's okay to love 2 mom's. (Their previous foster home had apprently discouraged their affection for their birth mom) As a result me letting them know that they can love us both, the kids have really loved me even more. But now I just don't know what to say. I'd kind of wanted to wait to tell them anything until after the 30 day appeal period. But now I'm not sure I can put this off that long. I hate this part. I'm worried that if I tell them the wrong thing, it will make this even worse on them.

[Perfect7]

That is so sad, and the system is very disappointing in the lack of support they are getting for the children. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother by allowing them to express their feelings for their biomom and you. I can't help but get angry when I think of all the hurt children suffering because of incompetent adults. My heart goes out to you and them. Again, my applause to all of you who foster and gives so much of yourselves to them. It sounds like what the kids need most you are giving plenty of: love and understanding.

[CaddoRose]

Maybe you could just tell them that you don't know when they will see Mom again right now. Then push the CW for the correct info and for therapy for them asap. Let her know they are asking questions and need answers now. I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing and not say something that would be too painful for them. Maybe you could find a counselor for yourself who has some insight into how to deal with this type of situation and could help you figure out what to say to them.

[kxl164]

If you have the child's medicaid card you can get them counseling services yourself. Don't wait on the SW, they will just keep dragging their feet. Find either a play therapit or an attachment therapist or a child therapist, make sure they have experience in adoption/foster care/abuse situations.

I would find a counselor/therapist/psychologist, NOT a child psychiatrist.

If you don't have the medical card, then call the SW'ers supervisor and get this happening right away.

Don't allow the SW'ers to drag their feet, either do it yourself or go up the chain of command.

I find it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission with the child welfare system.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by kxl164

If you have the child's medicaid card you can get them counseling services yourself. Don't wait on the SW, they will just keep dragging their feet. Find either a play therapit or an attachment therapist or a child therapist, make sure they have experience in adoption/foster care/abuse situations.

I would find a counselor/therapist/psychologist, NOT a child psychiatrist.

If you don't have the medical card, then call the SW'ers supervisor and get this happening right away.

Don't allow the SW'ers to drag their feet, either do it yourself or go up the chain of command.

I find it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission with the child welfare system.

How do I find a child therapist? Also, (dumb question coming) what is the difference between a therapist and a counselor? My other kids were always transported to and from their counselors/therapist or whatever they were (I think they had a psychologist and psychiatrist, because they were on med's...and went weekly to the psychologist for counseling).

I don't have their medicaid card but I do have their numbers. This works for the doctor's office.

[momagain5]

hi,the children are young,have they had no issues to suggest they need therapy?OUR SONS CASEWORKER AND THERAPIST TOOK HIM OUT TO LUNCH AND TOLD HIM ABOUT TPR.he was 10.not sure if even the 5 year old would understand about tpr.I would ask if dss would do a supervised farewell visit with the kids and bmom.have them take pictures of kids with bmom.and also make sure they get copies to bmom.also if you have any questions,now is the time to get answers.ask if bio mom has any pictures she can send to the visit for the kids lifebooks.also any info about bio family,including medical history.maybe the kids wont gert anything out of the visit ,but if they have any bond with bmom they should be able to say goodbye.for the older children if bmom would just tell then she loves them and always will but just cant be with them.and to tell them its okay for them to love their new mommy,and she wants them to be happy with their new family.not all bmoms will be able to do this though.i know bmom was tpr,i do not know the details,but she should have a farewll visit for her sake as well as the kids.our sons bdad was tpr and was offered farewell visit,or to send a letter.he did nothing.

[blubutterflies03]

I don't know what I am going to say. I will be/am in the same shoes. TPR was filed this week. We go to the 12 month permanancy hearing in a couple of weeks. TPR will be as soon as the court hearing is arranged. IT is going to happen is what the social worker says. I know I will have to keep some kind of door open. Not sure how wide the crack will be or to what extend. Our foster daughter is 7 and she is very attached to her bio-dad. I know that if I cut it off all the way, she wil suffer I believe. The brother is 6 and seems like it's no big deal, or so I think.

I think I will have to say, you can't go home to live with your parents at this time they didn't do what they were suppose to do. The judge says she need to live with someone else. I can't even tell mine I want to adopt them yet...I have to wait until TPR is final. Gosh , it is sooo hard!

[chevyjewel]

A great way to get around waiting for a case worker to set up a therapist/couselor is to get a referral directly from the child(rens) pediatrician.

Call them up or bring the kids in and explain the child is suffering emotionally and is confused and ask if they know of any great child therapists, most will have plenty to refer you to. With the referral you won't have to worry about having the kids medical cards, just request all the child's info at the docs office be forwarded when the referral calls you to set up the new appointment. If you let doc know the child's needs are imminent because of the recent TPR you'll likely be able to wait the usual months worth of waiting to get that first appointment too. An attachment specialist could also be invaluable resource as to how to approach those questions. They usually have fabulous, sensitive and creative approaches you can take.

Even if the children don't seem to be suffering much right now it never hurts to get insight from either a therapist or attachment specialist when those biological bonds are being severed. It'll help you help them later on if problems do arise.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by momagain5

hi,the children are young,have they had no issues to suggest they need therapy?OUR SONS CASEWORKER AND THERAPIST TOOK HIM OUT TO LUNCH AND TOLD HIM ABOUT TPR.he was 10.not sure if even the 5 year old would understand about tpr.I would ask if dss would do a supervised farewell visit with the kids and bmom.have them take pictures of kids with bmom.and also make sure they get copies to bmom.also if you have any questions,now is the time to get answers.ask if bio mom has any pictures she can send to the visit for the kids lifebooks.also any info about bio family,including medical history.maybe the kids wont gert anything out of the visit ,but if they have any bond with bmom they should be able to say goodbye.for the older children if bmom would just tell then she loves them and always will but just cant be with them.and to tell them its okay for them to love their new mommy,and she wants them to be happy with their new family.not all bmoms will be able to do this though.i know bmom was tpr,i do not know the details,but she should have a farewll visit for her sake as well as the kids.our sons bdad was tpr and was offered farewell visit,or to send a letter.he did nothing.

I'm just reading this. These kids are super well adjusted considering...I have no idea how (5 different families in a little over a year and thei initial abuse/neglect they suffered). I DO think the 5 year old needs counseling. What kid wouldn't when they love their mom, and they want to go home but DFCS won't let them? He loves and misses his mommy. I feel *I* need counseling so I know how to help him.

The caseworker almost freaked out when I said I'd like to have some sort of open adoption with them. Her exact words were, "Those "G's" are sorry. You don't need to have her around these kids....and I hope you don't." She would NEVER have agreed to another visit...and if I had asked she would have taken that as a sign of a bad parent. (She'd already made a point to tell me that she was going to make a 'note' in the file that I was wanting to continue letting the kids see them...and trust me, she didn't say this in a good way.) So a good-bye visit will not happen till the adoption is done.

No one had told us anything about what to do or when to do it when I first wrote this. Since then the only thing we've been told, and this was after asking them repeatedly what we should tell the kids when they ask about seeing their birthparents was "Oh, you can go ahead and tell them." We keep telling them, we'd like the 5 year old to have some counseling to help us tell him and also to help us to know how to help him.

The 30 day wait for the appeal is not over, and I'm pretty sure she will appeal if she doesn't stay high so much she forgets (not talking bad about Mom but I realize that depression is likely which makes the drug problem worse). Our kids had already been told by the last foster family that THEY were their "forever" family...and then they were moved. So I'm being extra cautious about telling them they are staying, till I know that I know. Plus, my 3 year old has asked from day 1 if she could sleep with us....I always told her that if the judge says she can stay with us forever, that she could. Well, I didn't think about the fact that there is a wait between finding out that we're really adopting and the actual finalization of the adoption. Dumb of me, but unfortunately, it's too late to take back those words now.

I've been calling around for therapist for the 5 year old. Called 3 yesterday and all 3 said they didn't deal with kids that young. So I'm still looking. I did talk to a counselor and they said to avoid words like, "Never" or "Forever" because they often don't understand those concepts and sometimes if they do it can lead to anger, depression, etc.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by blubutterflies03

I don't know what I am going to say. I will be/am in the same shoes. TPR was filed this week. We go to the 12 month permanancy hearing in a couple of weeks. TPR will be as soon as the court hearing is arranged. IT is going to happen is what the social worker says. I know I will have to keep some kind of door open. Not sure how wide the crack will be or to what extend. Our foster daughter is 7 and she is very attached to her bio-dad. I know that if I cut it off all the way, she wil suffer I believe. The brother is 6 and seems like it's no big deal, or so I think.

I think I will have to say, you can't go home to live with your parents at this time they didn't do what they were suppose to do. The judge says she need to live with someone else. I can't even tell mine I want to adopt them yet...I have to wait until TPR is final. Gosh , it is sooo hard!

They told me to not tell them about the TPR, which I wouldn't have anyhow because you just never know what would happen. Plus, they would not understand anyhow.

However, when the little girl started telling me she wished she could stay here forever, I would just tell her, "If your mommy and daddy can't take care of you forever, I'd LOVE for you to be able to stay with me...but it's not up to me. It's up the judge to decide who can take care of you the best." Later, when she'd ask about sleeping with me, I'd tell her, "Well, one day if the judge decides you can stay with us forever, then we'll let you."

It's hard trying to keep them prepared for going home and trying to prepare them for staying all at the same time.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by chevyjewel

A great way to get around waiting for a case worker to set up a therapist/couselor is to get a referral directly from the child(rens) pediatrician.

Call them up or bring the kids in and explain the child is suffering emotionally and is confused and ask if they know of any great child therapists, most will have plenty to refer you to. With the referral you won't have to worry about having the kids medical cards, just request all the child's info at the docs office be forwarded when the referral calls you to set up the new appointment. If you let doc know the child's needs are imminent because of the recent TPR you'll likely be able to wait the usual months worth of waiting to get that first appointment too. An attachment specialist could also be invaluable resource as to how to approach those questions. They usually have fabulous, sensitive and creative approaches you can take.

Even if the children don't seem to be suffering much right now it never hurts to get insight from either a therapist or attachment specialist when those biological bonds are being severed. It'll help you help them later on if problems do arise.

Thank you for the ideas. I will call our Pediatrician.

[bumblebeeskies]

This is all so sad. I also hate to think of the precarious position that the situation puts YOU in. From your sig. I see that you will be adopting these children and when building attachment, trust (between child and you) is of utmost importance. It's almost like the sw's lack of response is causing you to have to walk a tight rope. One wrong word (unintentional) to the children, and serious damage could be done.

You mentioned you needing counseling as to how to go about this. If you have med. insurance, or can pay out of pocket, the sw does not have the power to stop YOU from getting counseling.

As for agencies telling you that they don't take children as young as your fc, DO NOT GIVE UP. I have had a few friends who have gotten counseling for their bio child at 2, 3, 4 years old. The way to get it done here, is to contact the behavioral services at your local children's hospital. They WILL see children that young. If you have their medicaid numbers, you can call yourself, and get them an appointment. If you don't mind sharing, what state are you in?

Jen

[millie58]

Can this be done? When I had my 2nd set of foster kids, I asked the ped and he didn't know any therapists that took Medicaid. That's why I went through cw although in NY, they want kids in counseling so they get the ball rolling.

Can't believe CW told kid about TPR!!! WTH!!! I also would not tell kid about adopting them (I was in the same boat) until it was a done deal. In my case, mom gave up her rights and dad is incarcerated. Dad's rights were taken, he appealed and we waited it out. After appeal ran out, I told them. However, I made sure to find out if there was anyone that could take the kids. I have a friend who had a son in foster care (she had drug problems); son was about to be adopted and her parents came forward and adopted him. My kids were moved 6 times so if it came to DSS wanting to move them, I'd have fought it. Thank God it didn't come to that!!!

[Biblemom]

My fc are 2 and 4. They have a therapist that accepts medicaid. They are out there. I only found our's because it is who the SW sent us to.

I am not sure about taking the fc without the permission of the workers. There are consent forms that have to be signed in order for the therapists to see/treat the children. Foster parents do not have the authority to sign them. At least that is my understanding. I tried to take my fc to a specialist in SA (that accepted medicaid). Set up the appointment and then notified the SW. I got in all kinds of trouble for that one! Ended up having to go into court to get them to allow this therapist to see them.

[millie58]

for therapy?!?!? go figure! The cw's set up therapy but they usually do it as fast as they can. I'm also in LI and there aren't alot of therapists that take Medicaid.