[Perfect7]

We were just recently matched with a child who has been fortunate enough to remain with the same foster parents since entering care 4 years ago. I have spoken to them on the phone and they definately do not want to adopt (otherwise, I couldn't have moved forward). We already told them we were willing to have open contact with them, for their sake and the sake of the child but I know it will be very difficult for them. Is there anything special we can do to make it easier? I figured I would ask those of you who have been there, and are there. We are so greatful to them for raising this child for so long, and loving him, so he will have a brighter future. They have brought him so far in this time, and I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like for them. All suggestions greatly appreciated!!

[vernellinnj]

The fact that they don't want to adopt should help as (hopefully) they will be supportive of the transition. Just allow them to stay in the child's life as aunts and uncles. There may need to be minimal contact in the beginning to help with the bond between you and your family. But, that doesn't mean you couldn't give them updates on how it's going.

Just let the relationship develop between the two families.

[Withay]

First, I want to thank you for thinking of both the child and the foster parents.

The one thing I would say is that do not promise anything you are not 100% prepared to do. I have had some adoptive parents promise (without my mentioning anything) that they would have contact, only to have a very successful transition and then....nothing. Not a word since the child left my home.

If you want to let them know that you are willing to have, say 3 phone calls a year and pictures 2 times a year and then decide down the road a few months that you would like to include a visit that would be such a bonus to the fp. If you're not sure how soon, or how many visits you would be willing to do please don't give a number or date. Simply say something like "we would love to have contact with you after he has settled in a bit". That leaves it open as to when. You can then update them with letters, email or phone calls before the visit.

[Perfect7]

They are an older couple, so it is Grandma and Grandpa that he calls them now. They also live a good 12 hours away, so I know in-person visits wont be a frequent option. I couldn't promise them something and not mean it, but I'm sure there are several people who may do that. There's alway plenty of room for another set of grandparents!!

[Mom2blessings]

Wow! I'm so glad they kept your little one in 1 home over the past 4 years.

I would try to keep them in touch with the kids and family. Invite them to birthday parties, let your little one buy them a Christmas gift, etc. Cards occassionally with picture's would be nice. At least that's what I was thinking I would like. The little boys that we had went to their adoptive home in January. They promised to keep in touch (adoptive parents and boys). We've called them like 6 times. Their daugther always answers the phone and says "She's not home" or "She's taking a nap" I'm beginning to take it personal. So I figured that we will probably just try to call them one more time and that's it.

I wish I could talk to them and just know they are okay...that they are moving on with their life. They wanted so badly for us to adopt. So I felt very guilty that we didn't. But we were not the right family, and it was not the right time for us.

[Havebigheart]

Good question! It's been one I am pondering myself.

[kayb]

Speaking from the foster parent side, I had two babies from birth go to relatives. I really thought I might never hear from them again. But i did pack my phone number, email and address in the girl's luggage. I offered respite, support and a small hope that I could hear the babies were doing fine in the future.

Waiting the first 3 months with no contact was the hardest!! Since the girl's new parents have become good friends and we feel so honored to be welcomed into the families celebrations (like birthdays, finalization).

The contact with past foster parents can be beneficial. Not every fc has good contacts from their pre-adoptive past. A good foster parent can change that.

Wow, great news, I hope everything goes smoothly!

[Perfect7]

I will definately do the cards with pictures, maybe even mail a dvd video so they can see him "in person". Mom2blessings, if their daughter is a teenager please don't dispair yet! I have a 17-yr-old daughter who lives with her mother (dh's ex) and when she's here we don't get half of our messages. She's too busy blowing up the phone with friends, ha ha. I think a wonderful relationship with them would be nice, and I'd like to think I could pick up the phone and say, "he did this today at school....is that normal for him or should we worry?" I've talked with them both on the phone and like that they told me they would "give it to me straight". That speaks volumes for character. I like them already...

[Perfect7]

Kayb, I never even thought of inviting them to finalization! What a wonderful idea!! I really like that.

[Yash]

Perfect7,

All these suggestions are great. I'm going to be calling my daughter's foster family on Friday after I sign finalization papers to let them know and I'll also be inviting them to her finalization. I call them periodically to give updates and send pictures.

[sethsmommy]

Give yourself time to adjust. You will be surprised, or maybe not surprised, how much adjustment time you will need. For us it took about three months before we felt we could do the visit thing.

[Boulderbabe]

I'll give out my great idea again: Skype! You can download Skype for free, and then do video calls for absolutely free from computer to computer. It might be a real help in the transition if your little one can Skype "Grandma" and "Grandpa" and actually see them.

[Jensboys]

Just wanted to say that we are 9 years post placement of our boys who had been with the same foster parents for 3 years. They have continued to be Aunty and Uncle and they have been an INVALUABLE resource to the kids as they grow up. To know they were loved, cherished and that their foster parents wanted them to be happy with new parents was absolutely so important as we transitioned.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

To know they were loved, cherished and that their foster parents wanted them to be happy with new parents was absolutely so important as we transitioned.

I so wish my ds had this experience--

[Perfect7]

These are all great ideas! Boulderbabe, we've already talked of the web cam using maybe Yahoo, but I'll take a look at Skype as well! Technology is great. I feel fortunate to have found such wonderful foster parents that care so much. I'd hate to think of how his life would have been different without them....