[Happy_Cat]

I have a question for someone who has taken in relative placements from other states. I will explain my situation, but please understand there is no judgement towards your situation. I simply hope you can help provide some insight and perhaps make me understand a little better. Here goes.

I had two little ones that are going towards TPR. Mom has fled the state and Dad is an addict that honestly, I think loves the kids, but is hooked. Bio Dad has family in the state and they are to old to take them. They have said they are going to petition the court to let the children stay with us. Since grandparents are not able to take the children DFCS of course went looking for extended family. Now there is an Aunt in another state that has met the kids exactly once who says she is interested in them. We obviously do not know if she will qualify, but it is scary for us none the less.

My DH and I love the children like our own and just yesterday the little princess said she wished she could stay in our house forever. We have not told her about the possibility of living with the Aunt. Honestly, I do not even know if she remembers the Aunt because she was so young when she met them.

As far as I can tell Bio Mom and Aunt are not particularly close and since last I heard Aunt was living with her boyfriend in his basement she would have a lot of work to do to be able to take the children. I have been very supportive of reuniting with family when that has been the goal and I knew the children knew and loved them. This however is completely different. They would be moving in with a stranger, not someone who they have had any relationship with.

This of course leads to my question. Why would someone want the children if they didn't know them? Is it a sense of family obligation? The kids would move to the other side of the country leaving everything they know. Why put the children through that if there was no bond there already? Yes, I'm hurting for me at the possibilty of loosing them, but also I worry about them. I understand why in the eyes of the state family gets priority, but why fight for them if you don't even know them?

Although I know you do not know these people any insight would truly be appreciated. Is there anyone who has seen children thrive through this kind of situation? I just want to better undestand.

Thanks.

[mommytoEli]

Why would someone want the children if they didn't know them? Is it a sense of family obligation? for me....as much as i'd like to think, as an adoptive parent, that biology doesn't matter.....biology does matter. if there is a chance for a child to be with a relative that is appropriate, that is usually what the courts will choose also. the aunt's situation doesn't sound ideal...but i've seen less ideal situations make a 180 at the last minute and end up with the children. i know it is not what you want to hear....but it is true. we are non-related realtives...which basically means a son we adopted previously is related to the new baby. we chose to adopt the new baby because there is really no reason that these brothers should not be raised together. i think there was a little sense of obligation, like i owed it to these kids to keep them together....but that was about it for me. i know in my heart that if they called me tomorrow about another one, i'd feel the same way. i'd have a harder time if they had been in their foster home for longer than 6 months and bonded....but in the end, i'd really have to weigh what was best for all the children in the end.


The kids would move to the other side of the country leaving everything they know. i just did this....granted a is only 9 months old so he isn't fully aware of the move...i know others here have adopted older children.

Why put the children through that if there was no bond there already? because it has to be what is best for the children in the long run. it is such a horrible situation for everyone, and i'm so pro- don't move a kid, that it makes it even more difficult......but i acknowledge that if there is a chance a child can be placed with a relative, even one they barely know, it is still probably the best situation.how long have they been with you?

Yes, I'm hurting for me at the possibilty of loosing them, but also I worry about them. i know. it is hard to love other people's children as your own, and then have them leave. i did it once....i vowed to never do it again....it is absolutely heartbreaking and you have every right to be hurt and upset. it doesn't matter how many classes you take as a foster parent that tell you to be prepared for this....it is still worse than you ever expected it to be!


I understand why in the eyes of the state family gets priority, but why fight for them if you don't even know them? that's hard to explain. but the second i knew my child had a brother....i knew they had to be together and that there was no sense in them not being together so that the baby could be raised by a non-family family. my other thing is that i have other adopted children from a different family, that were older when they were adopted by us. they would have given their right arm to be with a family member.....regardless of who they were and how bad the situation was even. i've seen them struggle with so many problems and i'm sad that they not only lost their parents, but their cousins, aunts, grandparents, etc....and not just the ones they knew, but the ones they didn't, or only knew casually. i think it is alot for a child to lose....so if they have the option of remaining in contact with one or some of those people, i think it can be a good thing for them.

Although I know you do not know these people any insight would truly be appreciated. Is there anyone who has seen children thrive through this kind of situation? I just want to better undestand. i think there are lots of different situations where children thrive in families. i think they can thrive both in a fost/adopt situation and a relative placement situation. please just know it is hard on all sides......and i've been on both. know that for the relatives...sometimes we do know about the children but it takes SOOOO Long to get the social worker started on our paperwork to even allow us to contact the foster family or visit the child. i've heard of some relatives that call and call the sw and the sw tells the relatives they have to wait until tpr before anything is done...and then that leaves a child in a foster home for 2 years before the relatives are able to step in.

my heart goes out to you. i'm sorry. it is a very very sad thing to watch a child you love leave your home. nothing i can say will make that better, and i'm sorry about that. it doesn't matter if the child goes to a perfect relative and they will have an amazing life with a loving family member....it will not diminish the pain you feel. it will hurt, and it will hurt for a while. that being said, don't give up yet....there are also plenty of relatives that don't follow through or are not approved and in the end the foster family adopts those children....i have 3 of those. it is a rollercoaster....just hang on tight!

[RobinKay]

Happy, I am so sorry you're are hurting and worried for your children. I do hope you can build a relationship with Aunty so you can stay in the children's lives. And maybe placement with her might not happen. Living in a basement does not sound like an appropriate home--

We were the relatives, and my dh and I love our ds dearly. He was our nephew prior to being taken into care. We did not see him often due to dh's job, but we never didn't think of him as a family member, we always loved him. He is doing great with us, by the way.

You may want to read the Reunification with relatives thread on the foster to adopt board. It's really long, and presents lots of viewpoints.

Please PM me if you just want to talk it out with someone who has been on the "other side" of your painful situation.

(((((hugs)))))

[mommy2fiveplus]

I have been on both sides of this issue, as a relative in one case and as the foster parent in another case. I have also been a relative that has choosen not to pursue adoption of yet another relative in a different case.

If you have any questions or just want someone to comiserate with feel free to pm me.

This is a difficult subject that often results in heated debate, there is no RIGHT answer but there are many people who feel differently.

[millie58]

I've also been on both sides but as a good friend. My friend had a son who was about to be adopted by his foster family. Friend's parents found out and took him. I've also had kids leave to be with siblings with foster mom cutting off contact and sibs be reunited with bio mom who cut off contact. As a rule of thumb: don't count on anything until you adopt him. You never know what will happen. and in my MAPP classes, we were told that the relative can be a worse match for the kid but because they're related, the judge will grant him/her custody of the child.

[MilehighDad]

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time with so much uncertainty. I haven't been through your situation, but I have been through others and just want to offer up a weak explanation. And that is: "best interest of the child" in your case, as in many others, is just based on opinion, there is no proven evidence or obvious solution. And, worst of all, you don't get to make the decision. It would be much easier for you if the "best interest" was obvious and clear, then you could agree to it and support your foster kids. I think that is what you are looking for with this post, but I am afraid you won't find it.

I hope that the decision goes your way, your love for the children is clear. But if it doesn't, remember that what the kids will need is for you to help them accept and transition with as little pain as possible. That will be very hard when your heart tells you how wrong it is and how much you just want to take care of them.
Best wishes.

[athikers]

I have transitioned two sib sets to relatives. The first set, they had never met the relatives and the idea of it made me upset. How are they better off with blood-related strangers than with the people they now see as their parents (us). But, as soon as I met the relatives, I realized that they were going to be a great place for "my" kids, especially as I saw our 10 yo "M" so excited to be with someone she was related to... even if she didn't know her before. We are very pleased with that relative placement and they will soon be adopting our former foster kiddos.

The second relative placement was to a family that was involved and trying to get the kids from the start. The placement is not the "dream" we had for these two kids, but there are many other challenges that contribute to that. These relatives love our foster kiddos very much and are trying very hard to make it work with both kids. We don't know yet what will happen.

It has been hard for me to accept the idea that its always "better" to be with relatives, even when all other factors are not "equal" so to speak. I'm not sure if I do accept the idea actually. But, in my state it is the law, there is no de facto parent status for foster parents, no matter HOW long the child is with us, so we have had to come to terms with kids going to family, known and unknown, perfect fit or not. All the relatives we have been involved with love their little relatives very much and are doing what they think is best.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by athikers

I have transitioned two sib sets to relatives. The first set, they had never met the relatives and the idea of it made me upset. How are they better off with blood-related strangers than with the people they now see as their parents (us). But, as soon as I met the relatives, I realized that they were going to be a great place for "my" kids, especially as I saw our 10 yo "M" so excited to be with someone she was related to... even if she didn't know her before. We are very pleased with that relative placement and they will soon be adopting our former foster kiddos.

The second relative placement was to a family that was involved and trying to get the kids from the start. The placement is not the "dream" we had for these two kids, but there are many other challenges that contribute to that. These relatives love our foster kiddos very much and are trying very hard to make it work with both kids. We don't know yet what will happen.

It has been hard for me to accept the idea that its always "better" to be with relatives, even when all other factors are not "equal" so to speak. I'm not sure if I do accept the idea actually. But, in my state it is the law, there is no de facto parent status for foster parents, no matter HOW long the child is with us, so we have had to come to terms with kids going to family, known and unknown, perfect fit or not. All the relatives we have been involved with love their little relatives very much and are doing what they think is best.

What a beautiful and heartfelt post. As a relative, I do want to say I agree that relative placement is not always the best option. It was for our ds, but reading on this site and working in my school I hear of many instances where a "clean break" is best.

I hope the best decision is made for your children, and I will be thinking of you.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by Happy_Cat

This of course leads to my question. Why would someone want the children if they didn't know them?

I can't answer this particular question because we knew our niece when we asked for placement, however maybe they are feeling "obligated" to take the kids?

Is it a sense of family obligation?

Probably...maybe other family is pushing them to do it? Maybe if you can contact them and let them know your love for the kids that they will allow the kids to stay there?

The kids would move to the other side of the country leaving everything they know. Why put the children through that if there was no bond there already?

We moved Alexis 2500 miles from where she was currently to our home. We were the only family member eligible to parent her after the grandparents couldn't take placement. Even though we live across the country doesn't mean loss of contact. We speak to her Grandma at least weekly. Kids move across country alot...adopted kids can move from one state to another also and not even know their new parents. I think if the relatives can work at keeping that communication open between the people the kids have a current relationship with then it will work. We travel there at least once a year or more also.

Yes, I'm hurting for me at the possibilty of loosing them, but also I worry about them. I understand why in the eyes of the state family gets priority, but why fight for them if you don't even know them?

I'm sorry you're hurting. Keep an open mind...and try and stay positive. At least if the kids move to the relatives home you can stay in touch with updates and visits. I have stayed in contact with the previous FP's across the country that took in Alexis. It's not easy, but it's doable.