[MilehighDad]

I'm posting this question because I want to gather ideas for how we can meet and help a child move into our family. I am assuming for this discussion that it is an adoptive placement of an older child who has been in the system for some time. Clearly, young children or initial foster placements would have some big differences. But, a second or third move for a older kid in foster care would have similarities if you had a chance to prepare for it.

We are currently trying to adopt an 11-year old girl from another state, which is about 800 miles away. We previously have adopted a newborn and a 14-year old. The 14-year old lived only a couple of miles from us, so it was easy to spend time with her every day until she was comfortable with us, then have her spend the night, then move in after only 10 days. I know the "standard format" for transitioning an older kid from out-of-state would be to fly them in for a visit, then have them go back for a week, then fly them in permanently. This girl has been through that format in a failed placement, though, so the last thing we want to do is start down the same path and increase her fear of being rejected again.

We had lots of ideas on how to help our 14-year old adjust and settle in, and I would really like to hear LOTS of ideas from LOTS of people on what you have tried. Not just for the transition period, but on all the following questions:

How did you introduce yourself when you first met? How long did you spend getting to know them before they moved in permanently? What special things did you do during the transition period? Did you bring a gift to your first meeting? How did you help the current kids in the home prepare and adjust? What things that you tried backfired and made them angry, insecure, or they just thought was lame? Did you take pictures as a family? Did you make a scrapbook for them? How would you do it differently if you could try again?

I will post some of the things we did for our 14-year old in a day or two. Thanks for sharing!

[RobinKay]

Can you e-mail? Pre-teens are usually "into" technology and may like on-line pictures and letters. Can you buy a "disposable" type cell phone for her to call you--you can lock it so it only receives and makes calls to your number.

Good luck with this!

[MilehighDad]

I really like the cell phone or messaging idea. I'm not sure how we can pull it off until we have a chance to work on the transition directly with her SW, but I think we can find a way. One of the things we did for our 14-year old after she moved in was to get her a cell phone, but I had not thought of it as a way to stay in contact during transition. Thanks!!

[chelspark1]

Here's our story....
We just recently adopted a sibling group - B is 15 and C is 14. They moved in 17 months ago.
They are from out of state - about a four hour car ride. We went to visit them about three times for a weekend visit each time and then they came here twice for a long weekend before they moved in.
The first time we met them we bought some pictures of our dogs (we don't have any other children) and of our house. It was very overwhelming for all of us those first visits. We had never had children before and weren't too sure on how to handle them.
There were actually three (they have a younger brother who we were also planning on adopting) but after two months living here we had to disrupt with him. So the first few months were pretty crazy - their younger brother has some pretty severe emotional issues and the whole family was suffering from this.
I don't know what I would have done differently, I was completely stressed out with an instant family and working a stressful full time job. Plus, C and B (who were never diagnosed when they moved in) have since been diagnosed with FASD. Emotionally they are much younger than their chronological age and add to that the teenage harmones, we definately have more bad days than good days.
I'm working on making each of them a scrapbook. They came with very little from their past. They do have a picture of their mother which I framed and put one in each of their bedrooms. I make sure they keep in touch with their other brother and sister from out of state (we are heading up there this week for a visit).
They are both very insecure and I keep them involved in sports and extracurricular activities. This not only keeps them busy but it helps to boost their self esteem and make new friends which is very hard for them.
We are very strict and keep a tight schedule with them. I think it helps them feel secure. They are NEVER alone (we can't trust them to be alone) but I think this helps them learn that we will always be here for them and keep them safe.
Each child is different and what works for some doesn't always work for others. I think you need to do what works for your family.

[onhazier]

If the current foster family and yours both have computers with web cams, could you maybe do some video chat with the whole family around the camera or popping in? Topics of conversation might include what she did in school, her favorite music, what powers she'd have if she was a superhero. (I ask that question to my cousins, neices and nephews. They think it is a fun game of pretending. I don't want to know which existing superhero they'd be. I want them to think about what qualities they'd want to have. The kids end up brainstorming for each other as well. I always learn a bit about what's important to them and how they think which is my real goal.)

[MilehighDad]

Wow, the idea of a long car ride every weekend seems rough since we already have 4 kids. We have thought about driving out there at least once and taking the kids, but it is 800 miles and I'm not sure how to work it into a transition plan.

The questionnaire is a great idea, I think it could help us stay in better contact on a regular basis than just a phone call. I'm not sure if her foster mom is going to be able to support it, but I do know that she is "into" computers. Seems like a real possibility.

One of the things we did for our 14-year old was a scrapbook that she got before we met her. In the scrapbook was an introduction to us, our house, and even our animals. Also, each of us filled out a questionnaire with the same questions like: right handed or left handed? what is your favorite food? mac or pc? favorite flavor of ice cream? and a bunch of others. Then we put a blank questionnaire in her scrapbook for her to fill out and we could go over them when we met.

Thanks and please keep sending more ideas!