[Havebigheart]

We are in the process of trying to adopt our relative's child out of foster care. He has been with the same family since he was 3 months old. He is very attached to these caregivers. They love him but do not have the interest in adopting him as they are an older couple, with many grown children & grandchildren of their own. We have started visits and all is going pretty well. We picked him up last week and it was a super visit. He separated from them with no issue and had a great time with us! This week's visit did not go so well. He wouldn't separate from the caregivers and the poor little guy was really crying hard. My husband and I were heartbroken and guilt ridden. What the heck were we trying to do to this poor baby? (He's 2.) I know some of this comes with the age as my kiddos probably would not have wanted to go with people they didn't know that well at that age either. We've spent some time with him and he is slowly getting to know us. The GREAT thing is what when he is with us, he has a blast! When he was so upset this week, we decided to just have our visit at the foster parents' home and that went really well! He had a ton of fun with us and there was no issue then. We all got many hugs and kisses and just had so much fun with him. As experienced foster parents (which I am not), do you have any advice in making the transition to an adopted home easier? Any advice for us in helping him bond with us easier? I felt really low after he was so upset. I don't want to traumatize him at all. This has been the only home he has known so being so attached is completely understandable. Any advice for me?

[Withay]

First, thank you so much for caring how this little guy feels and putting his feelings first.

If there are no pictures of you and dh at the foster family home I would suggest asking if they would mind placing 3 or 4 around the house where this little guy spends his time. Place them at his eye level so he can see and touch them at will. Also, ask them to point to the pictures several times a day and refer to you as 'mommy' and 'daddy' while doing so. During phone calls have them put you on speaker phone so he can hear your voices. At the same time that he listens to the phone calls have them point to the pictures and say 'mommy' and 'daddy'.

I have done this with great success.

Good luck.

[mommytoEli]

i think you already did the best thing you could by having the visit where he was used to living. i second what withay said too....and will add, i would make a book of your family. sometimes i can find at the bookstore a boardbook version of a photo album for kids-they are nice and sturdy so they are toddler friendly ...but you can also just go online to like snapfish or shutterfly and make a paperback one fairly cheap. put pics of you together with him, big pics of your faces, your house, any pets, his room, etc. add one line narration for anyone reading it to him..simple like, "this is sam the cat." also...i would get a stuffed animal of some sort....sleep with him for a night...or as many nights until you see him next...and then bring him as a gift. i know that sounds weird...but it will still be new...but it will also smell like you. smell is a big deal to little kids. i think these are 2 great things that will help him to recognize you and feel more comfortable.

[DianeS]

I'm also glad you're asking this question. Too many people don't, and then they don't understand why the child they love is having problems.

I'd recommend that you make sure your visits are not just "fun" time, but that they incorporate many of his daily routine items, and even some "un-fun" things too.

Learn how the current foster mother prepares his food, and how she serves it. Even if it's different from what you had planned to do.

Learn what his bedtime routine is, and participate in it. Don't take over at first, just watch. As you learn different parts, take over those parts, until you can put the child to bed at his foster home all by yourself.

Learn his rituals for comforting him when he's angry, or sad.

If you can learn these rituals he's accostomed to, and continue them even when he's moving (and moved) to your home, it will be helpful to him. He'll understand that while his parents and his home are different, but many other things are the same.

Even learn how the current foster mother disciplines him, and do it the same way. If you can keep the rules the same, it will help too. (Even if you need to change them later, keep them as long as you can.) Children are usually comforted by the idea that wrong is wrong and right is right no matter where they are or who is in charge.

Doing this sort of thing consistently keeps you in the position of "parent" instead of just "fun person" who he sees once in a while and eventually moves in with. It will make the eventual transition easier.

Good luck!

[Godsbiggerplan721]

I'm not a mom, or a foster mom. But I do have a degree in Family Studies and have worked with kids all my life.

I definitely agree that you need to really observe how things are done in his current home. Consistency is so important at this age. The littlest thing can make a great day turn ugly.

Sit down and with a pad of paper and a pen and make notes of how things are done. Ask questions, why type of laundry detergent do they use--scented or not? What toothpaste is he using? Favorite things, books, movies? Does he prefer his sandwiches cut a certain way, straight across or diagonal? Grape or strawberry jelly? Favorite outfit?

You're doing great--trust your gut!

Leslie

[c.a]

Sounds like you re doing great. Have you talked with the foster parents about whether they have any suggestions? They are probably your best source for what will work for him.

Plus - as you reassure them that he will be well loved and cared for in your home, and they become more confortable with you (even though they don't want to adopt I am sure that they have anxiety over letting him go) - their comfort will be passed on to him, even in subtle wasy that they are probably not conscious of.

Good luck.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Godsbiggerplan721

I'm not a mom, or a foster mom. But I do have a degree in Family Studies and have worked with kids all my life.

I definitely agree that you need to really observe how things are done in his current home. Consistency is so important at this age. The littlest thing can make a great day turn ugly.

Sit down and with a pad of paper and a pen and make notes of how things are done. Ask questions, why type of laundry detergent do they use--scented or not? What toothpaste is he using? Favorite things, books, movies? Does he prefer his sandwiches cut a certain way, straight across or diagonal? Grape or strawberry jelly? Favorite outfit?

You're doing great--trust your gut!

Leslie

And his schedule-what time for for everything--meals, bath, bed, play outside, TV (yes or no, favorite shows?), what is the bedtime routine like--

[jeavesmom]

First off I wan to say It is wonderful of you to ask for help an not wanting to devastate the little one . Try a few more visits at his home ,then do a small time frame of visits before doing all day.Try to spend as much time as you can with him in comfortable environment.

[CaddoRose]

Everybody has great suggestions about how to integrate more into HIS world. I would add in addition to pictures of you in their house, that you could also take some pics of him with just you two and some pics of his room at his new house, and anything else about your life and home. Maybe the foster family could give you some of his toys and possessions to put in the new room so when you take the pic, he will see some of his things there.

If this was only the second visit, it could have been that he just wasn't in a good mood that day. You know how 2 yr olds are! Sounds like you are doing all the things you can to make the transition easier.

[zebramom]

You're off to a great start. You considered his feelings and kept the visit in a place he feels safe. GREAT JOB!!!

I wrote a 4 part blog that had a list of questions to ask to help keep his schedule and things that he is used to. You can find it all here. Adopting from Foster Care Blog - Questions About Your Child - Behavioral and School

As Mommytoeli suggested, having an album or scrapbook that is HIS that he can look at and become familiar with makes a huge difference. My kids have loved these books and even after living in our home would take them out regularly and look at the pictures. My son is now 15 and has been with us for 9 years and he still has his. I also wrote a blog about the books I created and you can read it here. Adopting from Foster Care Blog - Welcome books

Trust your instincts. You're right on so far. Thank you for loving this child!