[snc2007]

My four year old fd has been with us for 6 mos. and still pines for her previous foster mother (she was there for a year and a half). There was no transition at all. Actually she was picked up from daycare by SW and taken to respite care for three weeks before she was placed with us. She has not seen previous fm at all. It is terrible what she has gone through. I have been advocating for some contact with fm but getting shut down by DFS. I don't know the details, but she was removed from the home and the fm was investigated for charges that were later determined to be "unfounded." I was assured that these charges did not involve abuse of any kind.

I am wondering if I should contact her on my own. My fear is that I will tick off the CW if she finds out. I really don't want to do this because I have gotten the impression that the reason she was moved was because the CW didn't like the fm and didn't want her to adopt.

After typing this I am thinking I should wait until the adoption is final to do anything. There are too many variables to consider.... But we are in the appeals process and it could still be many months. And I can tell they love each other so much and have a very special bond and my little girl is in pain. I guess I need an outside perspective.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by snc2007

My four year old fd has been with us for 6 mos. and still pines for her previous foster mother (she was there for a year and a half). There was no transition at all. Actually she was picked up from daycare by SW and taken to respite care for three weeks before she was placed with us. She has not seen previous fm at all. It is terrible what she has gone through. I have been advocating for some contact with fm but getting shut down by DFS. I don't know the details, but she was removed from the home and the fm was investigated for charges that were later determined to be "unfounded." I was assured that these charges did not involve abuse of any kind.

I am wondering if I should contact her on my own. My fear is that I will tick off the CW if she finds out. I really don't want to do this because I have gotten the impression that the reason she was moved was because the CW didn't like the fm and didn't want her to adopt.

After typing this I am thinking I should wait until the adoption is final to do anything. There are too many variables to consider.... But we are in the appeals process and it could still be many months. And I can tell they love each other so much and have a very special bond and my little girl is in pain. I guess I need an outside perspective.

Please don't risk your child! She has lost enough. Even if it means waiting months--wait until she is yours.

How do you know about the charges, whether it was abuse and that they were unfounded? It may or may not be a good idea to have this contact.

Comfort you daughter as best you can, let her cry as much and as long as she needs to, then she will feel emotionally safe with you. If she verbalizes "I miss so and so, just validate--"I know you do, sweetie". If she asks for former foster mom, be honest--"We can't see her, honey." Keep it short, make no false promises like "maybe later" or "maybe soon".

I think giving her security with you is all you can do right now.

will be thinking of you--

[TxMom65]

I would do nothing until the adoption is final. Even then, I would find out more from the caseworker. AS the date nears for finalization I would tell her that I was going to seek the FM out for a visit and ask if she could tell me why the child was moved. Maybe she will give you some info.

Do you have any pictures of FM in the lifebook? Maybe when she is missing her you could look at them.

[MomwithFive]

I agree with Robyn that validating her feelings will help. I would also wait until finalization.

[snc2007]

Thank you for your replies.
When I spoke to CW (multiple times) she said that she didn't think FM could handle a final visit and that she would be too emotional. CW acts like its no big deal and FD will just get over it and forget about her. I just really wanted her to have some closure and to know that people you love do not just vanish. She is filled with anxiety and fears she will lose us too. She is seeing a counselor and I think it is helpful.

Thank you for the advice. For now we will continue to talk about her and we do have photos from her that we look at sometimes.

[Boulderbabe]

The CW is insane. Can you imagine what it would be like if somebody took you away from your family and you never got to say goodbye? Would you just "get over it" and forget them? Of course you wouldn't.

Please, this is so incredibly cruel to your little girl. She needs to know her FM is okay. Can you just give the FM a telephone call and see what is going on? Prep her by telling her how important it is that she be positive about the move, but please, make arrangements for your daughter to at least hear her voice.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

The CW is insane. Can you imagine what it would be like if somebody took you away from your family and you never got to say goodbye? Would you just "get over it" and forget them? Of course you wouldn't.

Please, this is so incredibly cruel to your little girl. She needs to know her FM is okay. Can you just give the FM a telephone call and see what is going on? Prep her by telling her how important it is that she be positive about the move, but please, make arrangements for your daughter to at least hear her voice.

I warn you that irritating the social worker is not a good idea. This would be a direct slap in her face as she has made it clear SHE does not think it's a good idea. Wait until your daughter is yours-then you are free to make all the decisions regarding her.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

If you are planning on adopting I would not pursue a visit with pervious foster family. I also would just keep the CW happy too. If you are trying to attach and bond with her, a visit with the previous foster family could really hurt. It is normal for her to ask for them, in time it will get better.

[Jensboys]

Just wanted to absolutely support you and your gut. We adopted our boys at 3 and 4, and they had a transition with their foster mom preparing them to be moved.

OF COURSE foster mom is going to be sad and upset and OF COURSE your daughter is going to miss her former mom. And how absolutely TERRIFYING for your daughter to just be "taken" like that.

Our relationship with our kids foster mom has lasted 9 years. In those early months post placement she was a huge resource, particularly for our 3 year old. He needed as in NEEDED to know that she was supportive of his place in our family. He NEEDED to hear her voice and know she still loved him.

In fact, I just returned a couple weeks ago from taking our older son back to his birth state for a visit with foster parents and birth parents.

Its cruel and completely insenstiive to the child to think they can just walk away from a family after 18 months (which from her perspective would have been all of her conscious memory life!) and "get over it".

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by HappyHopefulMommy

If you are planning on adopting I would not pursue a visit with pervious foster family. I also would just keep the CW happy too. If you are trying to attach and bond with her, a visit with the previous foster family could really hurt. It is normal for her to ask for them, in time it will get better.

Wanted to disagree with this statement. I think having support of the child's previous caregivers HUGELY helps with attachment. Kids need to know they have permission to attach, if AT ALL possible. Loving more than one person does NOT deter attachment, it INCREASES it.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Just wanted to absolutely support you and your gut. We adopted our boys at 3 and 4, and they had a transition with their foster mom preparing them to be moved.

OF COURSE foster mom is going to be sad and upset and OF COURSE your daughter is going to miss her former mom. And how absolutely TERRIFYING for your daughter to just be "taken" like that.

Our relationship with our kids foster mom has lasted 9 years. In those early months post placement she was a huge resource, particularly for our 3 year old. He needed as in NEEDED to know that she was supportive of his place in our family. He NEEDED to hear her voice and know she still loved him.

In fact, I just returned a couple weeks ago from taking our older son back to his birth state for a visit with foster parents and birth parents.

Its cruel and completely insenstiive to the child to think they can just walk away from a family after 18 months (which from her perspective would have been all of her conscious memory life!) and "get over it".

Jen, the OP wanted to have contact but has to work with the social worker. It would be bad for the child if this placement was disrupted due to go against what the sw is telling the OP to do--not contact previous fmom.

Once things are final, I think we all support her to contact previous foster mom.

[hockeywoman]

Uggh, that behavior by DCFS would irritate me. We had a very slow transition from previous foster homes to ours, and we're visiting the FP about once a month. However, our worker is OK with it and is promoting it. I agree with PP that you shouldn't do anything that is considered to go behind the agency's back until after finalization. Though I wouldn't quit asking questions, especially if you feel it would help out your DD a lot to see previous FM.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I warn you that irritating the social worker is not a good idea. This would be a direct slap in her face as she has made it clear SHE does not think it's a good idea. Wait until your daughter is yours-then you are free to make all the decisions regarding her.

Now THIS is insane. We are supposed to be working together for what is best for kids. Here is a grieving kid, somebody who is really suffering. And we should let her suffer in order to appease bureaucrats? That is not a child-centric approach.

If the CW objects to contact, and the OP thinks that the child would be relieved by contact, then it's time to take it up the chain to the CW's supervisor.

It is sheer madness to prioritize the caseworker's feelings over the child's.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by HappyHopefulMommy

If you are planning on adopting I would not pursue a visit with pervious foster family. I also would just keep the CW happy too. If you are trying to attach and bond with her, a visit with the previous foster family could really hurt.

This is just flat out wrong. Teaching children that they can be snatched away from the people they love and never see them again does NOT promote attachment. It promotes lifelong insecurity. What you're talking about isn't bonding. It's Stockholm Syndrome. For kids to build healthy attachments, they need to know they will not be moved suddenly again and that the people they love won't disappear. Contact with former fparents facilitates that sense of continuity and safety.

My son's former foster mom--a lady who had him for nearly a month when he was an infant-- has been such a boon to us. In fact, because I'm stuck in the middle of the country right now, she is going to board a plane, fly to Boston, pick my son up from my parents, and fly him home!! Heck, she even flew to Italy with us one summer for a two week vacation! He adores her and he trusts her---and I adore her too. I do not think my son would be the secure, happy person he is today without her. She is part of the safety net that envelops him and makes him strong and centered. And we work with her to help provide the same security for some of her other foster kids.

Please don't rule out the possibility of adding to your kids' lives rather than taking love away from them. Love is not a zero sum game, and the love that the kids have for their foster parents doesn't mean there will be less for you.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Now THIS is insane. We are supposed to be working together for what is best for kids. Here is a grieving kid, somebody who is really suffering. And we should let her suffer in order to appease bureaucrats? That is not a child-centric approach.

If the CW objects to contact, and the OP thinks that the child would be relieved by contact, then it's time to take it up the chain to the CW's supervisor.

It is sheer madness to prioritize the caseworker's feelings over the child's.

Yes, this is a better idea.

My meaning was not clear--I meant do not just take the situation into your own hands and deliberately disregard the sw's instructions.