[CATJNY]

first of all, this might be a touchy subject as we all would probably do things differently so if you want to reply could you please pm me, i really dont want to have anyone offend anyone, kwim? (and if its needs to be moved elswhere, by all means )

We have a bio dd who's turning 3 in september, she's above average comprehension wise so she does understand a LOT more than we think she does, but how do we explain to her once we start getting placements, as to why there are children coming in and leaving? My thought s to simply say "there is little boy/girl who needs a mommy, daddy and sister right now" but where would i go from there?

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by CATJNY

first of all, this might be a touchy subject as we all would probably do things differently so if you want to reply could you please pm me, i really dont want to have anyone offend anyone, kwim? (and if its needs to be moved elswhere, by all means )

We have a bio dd who's turning 3 in september, she's above average comprehension wise so she does understand a LOT more than we think she does, but how do we explain to her once we start getting placements, as to why there are children coming in and leaving? My thought s to simply say "there is little boy/girl who needs a mommy, daddy and sister right now" but where would i go from there?

What a wonderful person you are to be worried about this! I have no words of wisdom, just praise for you to be concerned for the child you have the and children you will have-

[Heyheather]

Our first placement was with us b/c his birthmom broke his leg - he had severe developmental delays and was 18months. We told our kids - ages 3yo-14yo - that there are some mommies and daddies that love their children but don't know how to do it and so sometimes they do bad things to their children. A year later we got our now ad who had 3rd and 4th degree burns from her foster parents and had been neglected by her first parents. This time we talked about the same thing but added that there are people who mostly make good choices there are also people who make bad choices based on how their moms and dads treated them. We also needed to talk about how to handle being angry. It's a tough conversation but we started real simple and let the kids ask what they didn't understand. The older ones got it better than the younger ones. I would keep it real simple and brief with a 3 yo. The other thing we found out with the younger ones is that they tell other people about family life so you really need to keep it simple so you don't hear from the neighbor about your foster kid's life!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I just told my kiddos that the kids needed a safe place to stay until their mommy and daddy could make their own safe place.......some mom and dads will do it quickly and for some it may take awhile.......but until then, the little boy/girl will stay in our safe place with us.

Then there is no bashing the bioparents. Some do not abuse/some do. Some do drugs/some do not. Some simply can't provide their children with a safe home, running water, and electricity..........so the bottom line is........for whatever reason, the home the child was in was not safe for children and they don't need to go back until it is. I didn't really think my kids needed to know the specifics. My oldest who was 12 at the time could have handled it, but my now 2 yr old would still not understand and I would rather not burden him with any of that. So I just stress that we keep every kid safe.

Also, be careful about referring to yourself as the foster child's mommy, daddy, sister, etc. It can become very confusing for your children as well as the foster children. Older foster children will decide when (if ever) to refer to your family with relative terms. Plus, we are foster only so if the foster children call DH and I mommy and daddy that is fine by me, but I try to refrain from calling them brothers/sisters as I don't want them to think that brothers and sisters move out. That can come later if reunification doesn't happen and TPR occurs. We don't adopt so that is something we, personally, steer clear of. We tend to call ourselves by our first names to the kids and if they start calling us mom and dad, we still say Mommy Kim and Daddy J.

Kim

[mylovebug]

We just explained that the children that we took in were in need of home and family to care for them for a period of time until their parents were able to do so. But I would absolutely watch what is said during the process because my 4 year old has heard me giving an update after court to my husband and she apparently took it all in and hasn't forgot anything and doesn't have a bit of a problem repeating any of that information. She probably don't even understand any of it yet can inform anyone at anytime what the update was. Needless to say she does not go with me to dfcs for our weekly visits with his family because I am afraid of what she may say to them. She is completely outspoken and has no reserve on what is appropriate to say. She has told them they can not have his diaper bag that I made, she has told them that they are fat, and she has also ben known to tell anyone in public that they are short, fat or have a big nose. I am trying so hard to teach her that it is not nice to say things like that to people. He response was that she was just telling the truth. She has even pointed out to a man that he had no teeth. It is more than embarassing and we are working on it with her, however I do not take her with me for fear that she may tell them what she thinks about the situation. She even had a bit of an emotional fit in front of them not long after we got him when they started talking about getting him back. They knew that she was upset at the idea of him going home and they tried to reassure her that she could come and visit him once he went back home. I guess we will see what happens at our next court date in Oct. Just keep conversations at a minimum because even when you think they aren't around they are all ears.

[Elle83]

There is a book I love called Maybe Days. It's designed for kids in foster care but might also be a good way to start the conversation with biokids ... I don't have any bio's but have found it to be a great book with my foster daughters and I think it could be adapted to be read to any child who needs an explanation about foster care.

[stevenstwin]

I agree to keep it simple and neutral..."His mom and dad need some help to be a good mommy and daddy right now, and he'll be staying with us until they are ready." That way you can be telling both your bios and the foster children themselves the same thing. I wouldn't want to say much specific about neglect or abuse - because the kids talk to each other, and that might trigger some unhappy emotions in the foster child.

[kxl164]

Another book is Zarchary's New Home, or something like that, we read it when biodaughter started having quesitons after placement, it helped all the kids but mostly the oldest who at 4 was the only one to really "get" it.

[Hollyp]

I explained to my then 4 yr old DD that sometimes families need help. So we are going to invite some kids who's families are having a hard time right now to come stay with us for a while. She asked why they need help and I said I don't know maybe someone is sick or got in trouble or something bad happened to someone. There are lots of reasons why they might not be able to take care of the kids right now so we are going to help until they can. She is eagerly anticipating the arrival of a foster sister but understands it may be for 1 week, 1 month or a really long time. We don't know.




Holly

[joskimo]

We're waiting for our first placement, a newborn. My 14 yo knows the story but the 3.5 year old does not so we have told her we're going to have a visitor baby. Like the poster above, I shy from the word foster-sister because I don't want my daughter to think this is a forever thing unless later it becomes a forever thing.

[momsphotoop]

we told my son (age 5) that we were going to help take care of a baby or small child until his or her mommy can do it. We told him that they probably will not be staying and will go back to their real moms and dads. My son looked me dead in the face and said, "no, I don’t like this idea, I want to keep them, we should get 20 babies and keep them all and take care of them" lol so he decided he wants to hoard foster kids! lol But in all seriousness he already told me he will be too sad to let them go home. He is also desperate for a sibling, everywhere we go he notices other kids with siblings and asks me why he can't have a brother or sister. breaks my heart! Ok obviously I was no help, sorry!

[momsphotoop]

we also have to be careful to explain real well to your bio little ones that they are not going anywhere. Some start to get confused and wonder if they will have to go to a new home soon too.

[Mom2blessings]

I think I would say something more like, "We're going to take care of Johnny/Suzy for a while until her other mommy/daddy can take care of him/her". She may not understand that at first but after a while she should be able to understand you are just helping temporarily.