[casuzascookie]

Please forgive me but I've never done this before...

My husband and I have been waiting to adopt through the foster care system for over three years now. We are both in our mid 30's and we have a biolgical son who is 11.
It has been one emotional rollercaoster after another, but I have always tried to keep a positive attitude and I've always believe that anyday we would have our little one.
It took nearly 18 months for our home study to be complete then our case worker went on maternity leave for 4 month and nothing happened at all during that time. We finally started seeing some result and being chosen to go to committee in January of this year and hve gone twice the last time being 6 weeks ago. Of course we were not chosen. Needless to say the last time was devitstating. I haven't even heard from my caseworker since she met with a week after to tells what the committee said.

Bottom line my husband wants to quit and I still want a child but I feel selfish putting my family through this. don't know how and when do you finally let it go.

Anyone who has been through this or has advice I would really appreciate it.

[quiescentfury]

I am so sorry for your long wait. Are you doing fostercare or just adoption? If you become foster parents it would bring kids into your home and improve your chances to adopt, but it also means that in most cases you will have some kids that are reunified also.

Are you with an independant/priovate agency or just with a county. If you are with an agency they can look all over your state and the country for kids to adopt. That could open your possibilities up.

I think you and your husband really need to talk about what you want to do. Really listen to his feelings. If he really can't take anymore and it will put a strain on your marriage I would stop. Your marriage and current family should be the number one priority.

[casuzascookie]

We are going through the state and we are just doing adoption because we decided that losing those children would really be to hard on all of us but especially our son. I rally wish we had the heart to do that but we don't. But I really thank you for your help

[CaddoRose]

It seems as though the state really didn't prepare you for what adopting throught the state would be like. You might sit down with the CW and explain your concerns about the things they can control, such as not keeping you informed or contacting you on a regular schedule and any other concerns you have.

If your criteria for a child is too narrow, then it can take longer. If you are open to a wider range of ages you can also look at children who are open for adoption through your state and on other state websites.

If a committe is choosing where to palce a child, you have no idea how those people view your home as a potential adoptive home, nor do you know how many other homes are beign considered. Ask the CW if your home is being viewed as a positive place or if she is backing palcement in your home. If there is a problem, then you need to know what it is in order to fix it.

[marthavmommy]

We joined our local foster/adoptive parents group, which allowed us to network with others. This led to us finding out about our daughter - she was 3 mos old and in a home that didnt wish to adopt, and it looked like her birth parents were not doing what they should to get custody of her. When we got her we were not guaranteed she would become adoptable, but we knew it had a good chance. If you want a young child with no disabilities, this is really your best bet unless you are willing to adopt a minority or a child with medical issues. I know everyone says they couldnt do it, but have you ever babysat a child? You knew you couldnt keep that child right? That is what I had to keep in mind. I wanted a child to love...and that is what we have! (I know that we were lucky, don't get me wrong, but that is how it worked for us).

[quiescentfury]

I would look into to independant/private agencies. We are with one. It allows us to be foster parents in many counties in our state. They also look for kids that are available ofr adoption from the foster care system in our state and in all other states also.

[MilehighDad]

I am posting on this website for the first time. We have adopted from foster care twice, with a very long wait for our first daughter. But, that was in LA county, California, and they told us the wait list would be two years. As it turned out, we waited for two and a half, then had a placement of a wonderful little girl. Our second adoption was a teenager in Colorado, and that went much more quickly.

Since then, we have tried to adopt another teenager and a younger sibling group, both times unsuccessfully. I can say, not being matched has been very discouraging and difficult. I would also say that an 18 month wait for a home study is ridiculous!! However, I know from our experience now that there are lots of kids out there that need placements. I'm not sure where you are and how it works there, but it sounds like you have been close twice since January this year.

I just want to ask you to keep trying, because for 10 years, I have tried to convince a friend, associate, or relative to adopt from foster care, and I have never been successful. There are so few people that are willing to take in kids, that I just hope you stick with it.
If I were to guess, with an 11-year old bio boy, you probably want a younger child which may make a match a bit tougher. Keep trying though! Our adoptions have been tough and challenging, especially dealing with social services, but they have always been worth it. In fact, with two bio boys and two adopted girls, we are still trying again. . .

Good luck!!!!

[casuzascookie]

In our state there are 3 famiies picked for each committee and three committe members. These people choose based on how our case worker presents us, our home study and our adoption book. It is just frustrating! We also live in a small town and children from this area are general adopted by family even if there not it's better to place them farther away or the adoptive parents would have a really good chance of running into angry family members somewhere.

We would like to adopt a child from birth to four and have considered sibling groups. Our first committe was for a sibling group and we wern't chosen (of course) our second committe was for a 9 month old. However a comment made by our last committee is that they wanted the child to siblings closer to their age, yet our case worker incouraged us to go for older children or sibling groups. We already are trying for sibling groups and I know what is best for my family and am very wary about an older child.

I just find it really hard that peolpe I don't know are judging me and that they would ever consider my wonderful l;oving son as a drawback.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by casuzascookie

In our state there are 3 famiies picked for each committee and three committe members. These people choose based on how our case worker presents us, our home study and our adoption book. It is just frustrating! We also live in a small town and children from this area are general adopted by family even if there not it's better to place them farther away or the adoptive parents would have a really good chance of running into angry family members somewhere.

We would like to adopt a child from birth to four and have considered sibling groups. Our first committe was for a sibling group and we wern't chosen (of course) our second committe was for a 9 month old. However a comment made by our last committee is that they wanted the child to siblings closer to their age, yet our case worker incouraged us to go for older children or sibling groups. We already are trying for sibling groups and I know what is best for my family and am very wary about an older child.

I just find it really hard that peolpe I don't know are judging me and that they would ever consider my wonderful l;oving son as a drawback.

Just wanted to offer support-I wish I had some good advice for you. Your family sounds like a wonderful home for a child--

[quiescentfury]

It would be so nice if they actually would interview the three families so they got to know you. I know it has to be frustrating. Since your area is so small maybe you could spruce up your adoption book every few months, so the workers don't see it and figure they already know your family. If you adopt a single child would you consider adopting another child in the future? If so maybe add that to your book so they could see that in the future the baby might have asibling close in age.

[circap]

It's such a hard decision that you are contemplating now... We have been in our process now for over two years since we originally started our adoption process... in the beginning, we were strictly adoption only... however, we have now become foster to adopt parents (along with straight foster care as we have seen how much our whole family can help the children in our home). We will soon be adopting our little girl who has been with us since her birth. If we had not been willing to be foster parents first, I know we would not be adopting her now.

We have put our hearts (and our families' hearts) on the line many times but the reward we have been given by all the kiddos that have been through our home are memories that none of us will forget. It was very hard to see them leave our home but we knew that we had our place in their lives. We also have an 11 year old bio child and she had been so wonderful through this and knows how special it is to be a role model and big sister to them.

[c.a]

Are you selling your son short on what he can handle?We don't suggest that our children should limit their relationships with older grandparents because they may lose them. We don't suggest that they shouldn't love their pets (particularly those of us who had pets before kids) because the kids will likely lose them. Would you tell your son not to be friends with a kid who might move?

Fostering is hard. Having a foster child leave your home can be a tough loss. (been there, done that, first foster child left and I didn't think I could fall in love with another child ever again. Next placement came the following day and I didn't want to hold him for the first 48 hours. I toughed it out - fell in love again and adopted new placement one year later).

Kids survive loss of friends, relatives, pets, and siblings. We survive the loss of loved ones, including our beloved foster kids (and we even survive the loss of those we try very hard to love). We can't protect our kids (or ourselves) from loss - we can teach them how to cope and thrive when facing hard situations.

[yanknrebel]

We went all three concurrent routes. We were licensed as adopt, foster to adopt and legal risk. We were licensed in Oct 2001 and on Feb 1 2002 we got a call that am about a baby that had not yet been born. CPS was waiting at the hospital waiting for the birth of this child as they were going to take her into custody. So 30 minutes before this beautiful child entered this world, we knew we were going to get her. The biomom had served time incarcerated for 2 counts of severe child abuse on her first 2 children. The bf was not married to biomom, but he had issuses with drugs and alcohol. There were several couples, we found out later, that was upset that we got this infant placed with us. The only reason we got this child was because we were the ONLY couple in our county that was listed as and willing to take a legal risk placement. It took us 34 months, and lots of scary times, but we finally got to adopt this beautiful blessing from God. So yes while there is always a possibility of having your heart wrenched out of your chest if a child goes home, it is well worth the chance to get a baby/child to adopt. I am literally the first "mommy" that has held this baby. Biomom was never allowed to even hold her in the hospital . DCS removed her, and two days later, upon release from hospital, she was handed over to us at 8 am SUnday morning. WHat a joy!!! You HAVE to be willing to let go, as much as it will hurt, for more chances to get a child placed in your home.

yanknrebel