[reapingjoy]

It's a long story how we've gotten to this point, but we have now told CSB that they need to find a new family for M. Her SN are just so much more than we can handle. She was presented to us as completely healthy & developmentally on target which is so far off I can't believe she was in foster care for almost 3 years. Back when we were matched, there were a bunch of families in the running. Of course, this was for a healthy child, so I'm not sure if any of those families are still interested.

Today, I had a meeting with M's SW. She asked me what we were thinking as far as moving her. To be brutally honest (which I didn't tell her), I am so physically & emotionally drained from the stress of caring for her that I am going to need quite awhile to "heal" at this point &, as much as we love her, the sooner they can move her the better for our entire family. I had told them that we wanted to help in the transition to the new family because we got no help whatsoever from the previous FM. I'm beginning to think that they took this to mean we are fine with keeping her for as long as it takes to find a family, even if that is months & months. At one point, the SW told me that she didn't even know if they could find a family who would take a child with her SN & that they could always move her back into foster care if we wanted her moved before they could find a family. Then it makes it seem like we just don't care what they do with her as long as she is out of our house, which is not true.

We had kind of had in our minds July 30th as a date to at least be transitioning. She needs to start in a SN preschool this fall & we think it's best that her new family gets her set up in that from the beginning. But they couldn't even get a preliminary meeting with the supervisors to discuss her case until July 2nd, so I'm figuring there's no way they'll have chosen a new family & be transitioning her by then. I also homeschool & we fell so far behind this spring after she moved in that I have got to really concentrate on the boys' schooling & lesson plans. I usually take a couple of weeks in August to get that together. I don't know how that will happen if she's still here.

So, what do you all think is a reasonable timeframe to give them to move her? And what if they can't find a family??? I know it's not ideal for her to go back into fostercare, but what if they're taking months & months to decide? Also, do you think they would move her back with the former FM even though there were allegations of abuse & the therapist hotlined the FM for a situation that happened during our visit month & we suspect the foster brother was abusing her, and this is the same woman who never got her any help for the multiple SN she has? My friend says it's still a very real possibilty they'd put her back there.

This whole situation is just so hard for all of us & I don't want to make it worse, but I feel like they are going to end up taking advantage of the fact that we are willing to bend over backwards to help this child.

Thanks for any advice you can give!

[Perfect7]

Wow! Sounds like you have been through quite a bit lately and need a break. Do they offer respite there? I'm thinking maybe a break for a bit while they work on finding a home for M. Also, I'm not sure how appropriate it would be, but what about posting some of her special needs here? There may be an appropriate family on this board that would be able to meet M's needs and are looking for a younger girl? Maybe that's idealistic of me. It would be nice if you could get a break for a little while though to relax and not feel overwhelmed. I know you love M and it may be good for both of you. :-)

[athikers]

You can't solicit adoptive families on the boards...

That said, give them a deadline. Tell them you want her moved by July 30 or it will not happen. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, if you say you want to wait until they find an appropriate family... wait you will.

Good luck...

[sunsetsky]

Originally Posted by athikers

You can't solicit adoptive families on the boards...

That said, give them a deadline. Tell them you want her moved by July 30 or it will not happen. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, if you say you want to wait until they find an appropriate family... wait you will.

Good luck...

This so true! It is the reality of the system.

[Perfect7]

Sorry guys. I didn't know about soliciting on the boards. I'm new to the adoption issues and still learning as I go.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by reapingjoy

We had kind of had in our minds July 30th as a date to at least be transitioning. She needs to start in a SN preschool this fall & we think it's best that her new family gets her set up in that from the beginning.

It is vital that you set a date. I think what you stated above is exactly what you need to say to CW and ask that they work quickly to find a family so that you can transition.

The truth is (and it feels brutal) that it is not your job to find M a new home. I know you love her and want what is best for her, but that won't guarantee that CSB will listen to your recommendations. So all you can do is tell them how you feel, what you think is best for M, and then let them do THIER job of finding her an appropriate home.

You pray.....we will pray.....and the rest will have to work itself out.

Kim

[reapingjoy]

Thank you for your replies! This has probably been one of the hardest things we've ever done (taking care of her & making the decision to disrupt). My dh has decided that he will tell them our date to have her moved. The SWs have a way of "guilting" me into saying we'll keep her as long as it takes when I know full well that this is not in anyone's best interest (except for the SWs who now have more paperwork to do - which if they would have paid more attention to the sub-standard foster home they had her in & made the FM get some help for her in the first place, they could have avoided all of this mess for all of us). He won't let them pressure him like they do me.

I have really appreciated all of the wisdom that I've been able to glean from you who have "been there done that". I will probably still have more questions as we get closer to moving her on.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by reapingjoy

My dh has decided that he will tell them our date to have her moved.

It's funny you say that because I had DH make the call as well. Not so much because they guilted me but because I was the one they conversed with regularly it was as if they didn't take me seriously. They were kind of LaDiDa about it......but let him call and lay it on the line and they sat up and took notice. They really don't typically deal with the men or foster dads so they get taken more seriously I think.

Kim