[Howdy]

Originally Posted by hkolln

...a month from finalization, why now? Why not do that in the beginning to make sure the placement is right, not right at the homestretch when she's been here 13 mos? Why didn't she also contact us to ask us how the trip went? An 8 yr old is going to tell a totally different story then we are....

I think the CWs have to check regularly all the way through the process from the beginning until the adoption is finalized. With my AD, in the beginning of her relative placement with the grandmother, TPR had not yet occurred and SW-supervised phone contact with the bparents was part of the plan. But several months into the placement the parents were TPR'd (signed voluntarily, partly due to knowing they would be able to sneakily remain in contact). At that point the grandmother was telling the CW that she was following the plan not to allow contact, but she was actually allowing both phone and visit contact with the bdad (her adored son who she cannot believe abuses his daughter).

As for talking to the children without the pre-adoption-parents prior knowledge or attendance, I think that is extremely important in order to avoid the child being coached, bribed, intimidated, etc.

Have you read the book 'A Child Called It'? He was a terribly abused child but when the abusive mother knew the social worker was coming out to investigate, she made herself look nice and started acting loving toward her son. Then the worker interviewed the mom and son together. So of course the child hoped his mom had changed and was going to love him, plus he would not dare tell anything and get hurt later, so he did not tell the worker anything and he wound up being abused a few more years before he was finally removed.

Even after the plan was to remove my AD from her grandmother and place her with me (I'd been her fostermom the year before), when I was on the phone with the child (who was 8 yrs old then) I could tell as soon as the grandmother entered the room, because the child went from happily talking about the move to saying in a stilted tone of voice that she did not want to live with me and was going to tell the CW that she wanted to stay with her grandmother. It was so clear that she was being pressured.

Anyway, I know it is scary when they talk to our kids, I had to go through it too, and as adults we know what is at stake and the stupid/silly things kids might say. Plus we feel that they are OUR kids.

But I think the CWs' job is to do everything possible to ensure that the new family is what it seems to be. Since doing foster care I have realized how many sick horrible people can appear to be so smart, charming, intelligent, nice, etc.

Although it hurts to see your child upset by being questioned about seeing her bmom or about the upcoming adoption, those questions do not seem out of line to me.

I would not take the SW's action personally, they are just doing their job. If they start to say 'oh this family is so nice, I can skip questions and checks' then at some point they are going to make a tragic mistake. Even though they drive us crazy we should be supportive of them doing their jobs.