[sunsetsky]

Hi everyone,
I would appreciate some advice. TPR was granted and both parents appealed it. I was advised by a attorney "off the record" to offer the the original OAA of cards/pics 2x a year to get end the appeal process. The judge didn't include contact. It would be up to me. I am concerned about upsetting DSS after all their hard work. DSS stopped all visits. I would like to know if you think the workers and/or attorneys handling the appeal will be upset with me for me trying to speed things up. I would like to foster/adopt again or possibly foster in the future. the conversation came up with a family attorney because I wanted to get to an attorney. He said it would not necessary. I will appreciate any knowledge or advice. Thanks.. Sunny

[Withay]

If I were you I would mention to my adoption worker that "I heard that it might help if the bio's were offered the OAA of cards/pics twice a year. What do you think?"

Putting it this way gives DSS the option of saying yes or no. If they agree, then I would consider offering it. If they don't, then I wouldn't push it.

Just my .02 worth.

[munketoes]

I agree, but only if that's something your willing to do. It would be awful, if they search and find the bp, that they say you were supposed to do something and didn't.

[sunsetsky]

I was willing to do OAA all along. Mom refused wanted to go to trial. Dad and I signed an OAA. He went into treatment one week later. He then changed his mind and decided to go to trial. The baby was 18 months at the time. Mom Trial was ended they added Dad on for the next day. They both lost at trial due not working their plan. The baby has been with me since birth and is 20 months now.

[Hadley2]

I would never do it solely to "speed things along." No matter how nice a face you try to put on it, it is trading one thing, a consideration, for a human life. When baby gets older, particularly in the teen years, no one looks good in that context.

You can always follow through on some openness without an agreement, particularly a binding one to which your child may object someday, particularly one that is part of a quid pro quo for your child.

I am all for openness when it benefits the child and when no adult feels entitled to it. At one point, we considered doing what you are suggesting but after thinking it through, rejected the idea. I am trying hard to offer a healthy--read conditional--opportunity for more openness in our own situation (TPR granted long ago). Both parents know who and where we are--we are related, so some info gets passed along whether we like it or not. I have always, as a foster parent under a concurrent plan and as a preadoptive parent, supported the case plans and provided updates. So I am not against openness but I am against legally binding a child and a family to any kind of contact with anyone.

Think of it this way: Would you want to sign a contract legally binding you to allowing contact--even if "just pictures" between your child and a close family member? What if that family member drifted into drug abuse, became psychotic, or dangerous, or turned out to be a pedophile? Now, consider, would you sign a contract legally binding you to sending "just pictures" of your child to an adult stranger? Even the act of mailing back and forth requires some communication, at least via PO boxes, that gives each an idea of where the other is.

That said, I will admit that I am biased. I am very strongly against OA agreements, especially legally binding ones, in any type of adoptive situation. I think they cut too close to treating children like property, trade the child's needs for an adult's wants, and undermine the integrity of the family unit and parental rights and duty to protect their children.

So, to save time and money now for the state so that my child and I could pay later, for a lifetime, perhaps, in misunderstandings, regrets, recriminations, harassment, etc.? No way. I would far rather have the parents follow through on everything they think need to do, including appeals, do nothing to undermine their efforts, and let an unequivocal answer come out of the courts, one that no one can say, later, "well, it would have been different if we'd kept fighting," or "we were coerced, frightened, took the best thing we knew we could get," or "they pushed us into it."

I am very aware, from reading these boards, that many agencies are taking a page from domestic infant adoption and doing just that--pushing mediated, binding agreements on fps and parents to save the state time and money. Your agency would probably jump at the chance. I wouldn't give it to them.

IMO, there are just too many ways in which a set agreement can be twisted, misunderstood, or even taken at face value by the parties or the child, ending in injury to the child.

[sunsetsky]

I would never do it solely to "speed things along." No matter how nice a face you try to put on it, it is trading one thing, a consideration, for a human life. When baby gets older, particularly in the teen years, no one looks good in that context.
there are just too many ways in which a set agreement can be twisted, misunderstood, or even taken at face value by the parties or the child, ending in injury to the child.


I think this is what I was feeling originally. I didn't participate in the trial because I didn't want to be blamed by parents later that I helped the Department take their child. The parents are very happy that its me taking care of their child and loving him as my own. They just feel its what they need to do for thier son. (fight legally not work their plan) I guess this idea could be seen along the same lines as helping the Department because I am holding out the carrot rather than letting things play themselves out. Under normal circumstances, I would not offer this agreement with these parents because I have no control their life choices. I felt I could do the OAA because I didn't want to lose my foster child. The father didn't want to lose his son either. So we compromised but now you let me know it was not about me and the parents. Its about what is in the best interest of the child.
We live every close to each other. I hope they don't know where I live but I know where both of them live. They could recognize my foster son in the local paper, if he excels in his studies or sports. So, thanks for bringing me back to reality. I love my foster son so dearly. I can't wait to exhale when he is finally my son.

[momof9wantingmore]

We adopted our daughter from foster care when she was 2.5 years old, she had been with us since birth. We were talked into signing a post adoption agreement and were told if we did so bdad would not appeal. Well, he appealed anyway and the post adoption contact has been a nightmare, we agreed to twice a year pictures and letters only, we have been receiving multiple letters, all are inappropriate, filled with comments about the evils of the child welfare system, he refuses to acknowledge us as her parents, always referring to us by our first names and calling himself daddy, it goes on and on. luckily for us our agreement is very informal and not included in our adoption decree. We are now very seriously considering cutting off all contact with bdad, we have always wanted to do what is best for our little girl and continuing this is just not in her best interest and to be honest his letters have gotten a little scary.

[sunsetsky]

I appreciate your comments. Now that I think about it, Dad was showing sign of inappropriate contact. Asking if he could write to me personally. I was puzzled by this question. I didn't understand why he needed to write to me. Maybe, this was a sign. He hugged me after the reading of the decision. I was numb because TPR is is an awful horrible experience. I was there because I needed to hear the judges own words.

[MomwithFive]

<<he refuses to acknowledge us as her parents>>

We are SO glad the judge left any contact up to us and we have chosen no contact. As you wrote above, our role as her parents would not be respected and she has come so far in just two years with the security of our family unit and she is thriving and making gains. I won't let anyone jeopardize that. If and when she wants to know more then we will be there to support her then also.
At this time, we are doing what my husband calls "damage control", trying to help her heal in all ways possible so that emotionally she is as healthy as she can be and confident in herself as an adult with no shame. We want so much for her that's positive.
She did refuse contact with the bio father before adoption and made it clear that she wanted none.
It is what is working in her best interest right now.