[Mom2blessings]

I have 3 children currently that we plan to adopt if the TPR takes place as planned. We have a 1 year old girl, 3 year old girl, and a 5 year old boy.

They have been in care 15 months now, and during that time they've been in 3 homes besides my own. All of the other moves was due to divorce on behalf of the foster family.

I'm just wondering what I can do to facilitate bonding with the 3 and 5 year old. There are so many things that I did differently with my bio children, but we were already bonded at that age. For instance, the 3 year old wants me to lay beside her every night, while she falls asleep. I NEVER did that with my 4 older children. Should I follow the rules that I want in the long run, while the children bond and adapt to our home, or should I do things like that, just for the sake of bonding. If she were already adopted, I'd just let her sleep with me. (I did this with all of my bio kids...and no, it wasn't difficult for me to get them to quit sleeping in my bed).

The 3 year old will call me "mommy" when she's happy with me...and "Michelle" when she's not. She's asking to go back with her "Mommy Jamie", which was her other foster mother. One minute she's telling me that "Mommy Jamie" kicked and hit "Daddy Joe" and the next minute she's telling she wants to go back.

I've always tried to love and treat my foster children just like my own, but my love has always been the "Aunty" kind...not the this-is-my-kid kind. Knowing that these kids may wind up being my children makes the feelings different, but I know I can't force them to feel the same way.


Any websites anyone can suggest? Any suggestions of facilitating the bonding process?

TIA,
Michelle

[Howdy]

My memory isn't too great, but I think I've read that bonding happens with eye contact, movement, laughter, sweets, and a couple other things I forget.

Many of the usual childhood games are good bonding activities, like patty-cake, 'this little piggy', that sort of game where you are engaged with the child and having fun. If the child isn't afraid of being swung around that is a good game. Batting a balloon back and forth is fun. Facing each other bouncing a ball back and forth.

There is a book called Theraplay which is deadly dull to read, but has some nice activities in the appendix, such as sticking cotton balls on each other's noses with a drop of lotion and then taking turns blowing them off, or each having a cotton ball and crawling across the room blowing your cotton balls in a sort of race. Putting a donut on your finger and having the child see how many bites it takes to break the circle. Drawing around the child's hand or foot or their whole body, making verbal contact while you draw, such as 'I'm coming to your ankle', etc.
Eye signal game. Hold hands and face each other, use eye signals to indicate direction and number of steps, such as wink left eye twice to indicate both you and the child take two steps to your left.
Measure parts of the child with fruit roll tape and then let them eat it, like measure their smile or their ear and then let them eat that, and so forth, saying things like 'this is just the size of your smile'.

The book Attaching in Adoption has some bonding information. Bottle feeding the child (even if they are beyond that age) is a good bonding activity.

Regarding the three year old wanting you to lay beside her until she falls asleep, I'd think she has lost so many moms that she really needs that until she feels more secure. My daughter used to totally fall apart if I left the room before she fell asleep, and she was much older (she came as a foster child when she was 7 yrs old). Even now that she is 11 she frequently wants me to come in and read to her until she falls asleep. Children with trauma and loss issues aren't 'spoiled' by wanting comfort at bedtime, in my opinion they have a genuine need.

[msgypsylee]

A4everFamily.org - Signs of Healthy Attachment


I have found this to be a great website concerning bonding and attachment. Good luck to you all.

[Mom2blessings]

You know I have always just taken for granted "how" we bond...without much thought. I was thinking the other day that I don't have the breast/bottle feeding, rocking to sleep, etc. to facilitate bonding with these kids.

I appreciate your help I will keep playing lots with them and loving on them too.

Thanks again.

[Heyheather]

If you get a chance, parent/child swim classes are a great way to get lots of skin to skin contact. Or going to a pool for a swim.