[mamae]

Please, some of you guys who have more experience on this.... help me!!!!

We would like to adopt a girl, up to 6 or 7 years, and we would be open to one or two younger siblings of any gender.

We are open to physical problems (amputations, wheelchair), but we are not open to more than mild emotional problems. No FAS, No ODD, No RAD, no psychiatric issues....

I understand kids will have issues, but we are running away of the big ones. Now, can I get emotionally health kids that young out of foster care? would it be a BIG waiting?

I would think that kids on this age, without big problems probably would be adopted by their foster parents right?

I would not mind doing foster care but after talking to my husband we decided that we can't deal with the pain of losing kids on the way... Also, we became members of a local adoption group and on some meetings we heard too many bad fostering stories, to get brave enough and do it....

Is there a way?

I thought of international adoptions, but cost is too high... I would rather not to spend in an adoption a quarter of the value of my house

Please, any imput is usefull...

[vernellinnj]

Yes, but as with anything..particularly raising children, there are no guarantees. A child that "presents" no psychological problems at adoption can develop them later. As can you or anyone else. (develop psych problems). I suppose you could ask for family medical history and steer clear of those children whose family has a history of these problems. But then, that would assume that the medical history is complete.

Long and short of it, if you are looking for guarantees, don't adopt (or birth children either for that matter). Hope for the best and be prepared for less than that! Best wishes to you!

BTW, all of the children that I have fostered had/have no psychological problems (to date).

[reapingjoy]

Not to scare you, but just to tell our story (& others may have a very positive story to tell). We also said we would take a child with minor, correctable SN. Our son already has a learning disorder, ADD, & a mood disorder so we knew that we could not handle any significant SN. Plus I homeschool, run our large church nursery, & have 5 other kids....

In December, we were matched with a little 3 y.o. girl from foster care who we were told was "completely healthy, developmentally on target with no need for extra dr. or therapy appts.". She came home on Feb. 29th. Since then she has been diagnosed with asthma, allergies, sensory issues, FAS, possible speech processing issues, & she definitely has cognitive delays due to the FAS, plus she is now in therapy because of some disclosures that she made to us regarding another foster child at the previous home. She has attachment issues, which we figured would happen, but added to everything else it is just too much.

They also told us that they matched us because we have a 2 y.o. daughter & they thought her transition would be easier. I do think it was easier, but M (the 3 y.o.) is in constant competition with her, extremely jealous, & very controlling. She just spent almost half an hour crying because our 2 y.o. was carrying her backpack even though she has been playing with E's doll & wouldn't let her touch it for over an hour.

M was in foster care at the same home for over 2.5 years, except for 1 month last year in a relative placement. No one noticed anything & the FM refused to get Early Intervention, which the ped & the specialist have both told me could have helped a lot with her sensory issues, at least.

We are getting ready to go on vacation tomorrow & when we return, we will be telling the SW that we cannot keep her. The ped told me Wed. that she doesn't know how in the world I'm managing everything right now....the answer is - not very well.... She also said that M needs a family who can devote their full attention to her, preferably a family with a SN or therapy background. She also needs a SN preschool where they can integrate all of her therapies. Even then, the ped is not sure how well M will do.

Now, on the flip side of this - My friend is fostering an 8 y.o. girl that has been in numerous placements & no one wanted to keep her. She came to my friend almost as a therapuetic home & they warned her that S would have lots of "behaviors". She's been transitioning to her for a month now & moved in last week. She definitely has attachment issues, but my friend can't see any of the behaviors everyone was talking about (yet). And she used to work at CSB, so she's very experienced with foster kids.

You just never know. It is a gamble, like the previous poster said, to adopt or to have bio children. The only thing is that when you adopt, you're able to decide if a child's needs are too much for your family to handle. You don't get that choice with a bio child as I well know from experience. If I had this placement to do over again, I would have asked more direct questions, like: How do you know that she is developmentally on target? Has she shown any signs of delays or FAS? What are some developmental milestones that she's reached & when did she reach them? (for an older child, I would definitely want to see school records & possibly talk to teachers)

Our CSB has been a nightmare with this placement from the beginning & we will not be working with them again....I'm not even sure at this point if we will adopt again...our family needs a break first to get ourselves settled again.

[mrsred]

I get a bit confused as to why a person would consider international adoption over foster adopt because they want an "emotionally healthy child". I don't understand why there is this belief that a foreign child that has spent the early part of his/her life in an orphanage would be more emotionally sound than a child that was removed from their American family.
Yes, a child that is subjected to extreme physical or sexual abuse will have more problems. But the majority of the children in the foster system today are there not because their parents were abusing them, but because they were neglecting them while they were busy getting high. Yes, neglect will causes emotional problems. So will hanging out in an orphanage. Babies, toddler, young children need a lot of one on one attention. Neither of those situations give them that.
As for FAS, RAD, ODD... sorry, but I know a lot of people that have adopted internationally that are faced with those exact issues. Check out the speical needs forums.
I suppose your highest chances of getting an emotionally sound child would be to adopt a domestic infant through private adoption.
That being said, I obviously (look at my signature) am a believer in the foster-adopt program. We have adopted two of our four placements. Yes, they have problems. But they are worth it.

[Mom2blessings]

Well, I don't I personally don't think it's possible to adopt a child without at least some issues from foster care. Perhaps if you adopted a newborn...? Even then you may have issues later, from a family tendency to depression or maybe because of the fact that they are adopted (dealing with the issues of loss). I'd say your safest bet is don't adopt if you are not prepared to deal with significant issues. It's better to expect significant issues, and then possibly be surprised with mild issues than the opposite.

Just my 2¢

Michelle
Homeschooling mom to 4 great kids:
Michael 15,
Stephen, 12
Timbo, 9
Princess, 8

currently fostering with plans to adopt (but hoping parents will do the right thing before termination)
"Jo Jo", 1 year old girl
"Jasmine", 3 year old girl
"Joey" 5 year old boy

[Scrapsathome]

If we had done just straight adoption through our county we might be completely scared away from the process by now. The 3 y.o. they placed with us was said to be "slow to warm up" and occasionally dealt with her shyness by "pretending to be a kitty". Now, crawling and pretending to be an animal is something all 3 of our completely healthy normal bios did at that age, so we weren't concerned. We were also told that oddly enough her previous placements were very short, all but one a relative, and for no reason at all they each decided not to keep her. They implied that the parents were basically unkind uncaring people. They also told us that they were wanting her to be placed in a legal risk home closer to where her visits with her bio mom were happening. There was supposedly no other reason for the move.

All of this was bogus. She has been the most amazingly difficult child we've had. Fortunately they let us be a respite and emergency placement home concurrently when we all realized that our "legal risk" placement was headed to RU. During that time we've had some wonderful kids who have been no where near the amount of work, emotional stress, and chaos that our one legal risk child has been.

I would highly recommend becoming a foster home with a possibility of adopting. That way if you get a wonderful seemingly "just right" placement that turns into an adoption situation you can just say, "YES!" when they ask if you want to adopt. And if you get a child who within a month has set every member of your family on edge and causes havoc from the moment they enter a room, you can ask that they be moved.

All I'm basically saying is that you wouldn't buy a car just from the description without at least putting your family in it and going for a drive. It's really helpful to see if you'll fit together first.

Jess

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by mrsred

I get a bit confused as to why a person would consider international adoption over foster adopt because they want an "emotionally healthy child". I don't understand why there is this belief that a foreign child that has spent the early part of his/her life in an orphanage would be more emotionally sound than a child that was removed from their American family. .

I have several family members who adopted internationally. Two from Romania, one from Kazakhstan and two from Russia. All had some attachment issues (most mild, one with RAD), one was later diagnosed with FAS, and one was sexually abused in the orphanage (she was two and a half). I think people take a much GREATER risk adopting internationally than they would ever experience adopting from foster care.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by mamae

Please, some of you guys who have more experience on this.... help me!!!!

We would like to adopt a girl, up to 6 or 7 years, and we would be open to one or two younger siblings of any gender.

We are open to physical problems (amputations, wheelchair), but we are not open to more than mild emotional problems. No FAS, No ODD, No RAD, no psychiatric issues....
...

Other than "Brandon", all my foster placements were girls:

"Cara" and "Darlene" had attachment issues due to a long history of being moved from relative to relative over the course of several years. One was mild the other had serious attachment issues.

"Erica" was absolutely fine (emotionally). She was attached to her bio family and began attaching to me within a short time. Very snuggly baby.
"Faith" was absolutely fine and VERY attached to her bio mom and was beginning to attach to me before being moved to a new placement with bio brother.
"Georgia" is absolutely attached to her bio family and is very healthy (emotionally) and is bonding & attaching just fine.
"Heather" was very attached to her bio family and moved to a new home with bio-sister before I had a chance to really get to know her. She didn't appear to have attachment issues but it was too soon to tell.
"Brandon" had no problems attaching & bonding to my family.

So, out of 8 placements, all but two were free from emotional issues and attachment issues. Of the two that had attachment issues, only one was severe. None had FAS or a psychiatric illness.

[crick]

Yes, it's possible to adopt a child with minor emotional challenges. However, I think you need to be really honest with yourself what you consider "minor".

There is always grief & loss issues to deal with, even for toddlers & infants. (newborns? I don't know)

[mommytoEli]

my dd presented no problems when she moved in. we were told by the staff at the home she was in that she was a really well behaved child. we were told she had never had a psych eval bc they didn't think she needed one. about 6 months later, we realized girl was crazy......then when we went to tpr, and family appealed, we received a huge packet of paperwork we had never seen before, in it were reports from previous foster families, all reporting the behaviors we had been seeing. they knew. there were even reports from the group home. they knew too. there were reports from relatives. they knew too. we called a bio and talked for about 2 hours. her problems extended back YEARS before she even enterred care. we realized then that we had some serious emotional and mental issues on our hands. but by this point, she'd been in our home a year, and we were on our way to adoption. we pushed forward. it took almost another year for them to allow us to give her a psych eval. once we got it, we knew why. turns out she had an eval done the week before moving in with us. and it wasn't pretty. neither was this one, but with finalization about a month away, i think they thought we'd still go through with it bc it was "too late" to turn back now. they were right. we went through with it. i still think it would have been better if they would have allowed me the knowledge from the beginning about how sick she was. i could have either been a better parent from the start, or allowed someone who was ready for something like this to parent her. don't get me started on the great disservice they did to her by refusing to educate me on her conditions.

all that to say. you never know. by the time she moved into my home, she had been in out of home care for almost 4 years.....i thought if all these people were telling me she was fine, she was fine, but all of them had a different reason for lying. no one can guarantee a child will be healthy, and if they are, they might be lying. i hate to say it, but you really have to be prepared to parent a disturbed child, and then if your child is healthy, rejoice.

i adopted 3 via foster care, 1 internationally, and now i have 1 more in my care from foster care i hope to adopt. every single one of them has their own set of issues. none of them are perfectly healthy. my child that i fostered from birth and then adopted gave me a run for my money his first 3 years, always sick, always a problem, now he has adhd and is pretty amazing.....but it was tough to get to this point. dd has several dx, life is getting easier, but it is no walk in the park. but my current BIGGEST issues are with my child i adopted as an infant from overseas. he has issues from not being stimulated enough as an infant. these issues cause him to be delayed in some areas, aggressive towards pets and chlidren, and in need of some special services. i thought for sure he'd be my healthy one. i was wrong.

i wish you luck on your journey. just some food for thought though, children with limb differences or physical handicaps that are also not living with birthfamily, are probably bound to have some emotional/mental issues, too. i think your lowest risk would be found in the adoption of a baby, but even then, you must be perpared for challenges.

[shy_bear]

Whether you adopt or give birth to a child you are taking a gamble. My middle child, whose adoption cost us the most, has some emotional issues. We have had her since birth; it was a domestic adoption. My son who was adopted through fc is young,but we have had some minor issues. Yet I don't know what the future will hold for him b/c we have no background info at all.
I think you have to know up front what you can handle. If you are not comfortable with something then that placement is not the right one for you. We are hoping to adopt again from fc; we know our wait will be long b/c of what we wanting. That is ok with us!!

[stevenstwin]

I guess it REALLY depends on what you mean by 'emotionally healthy'. I think ALL children adopted from foster care are going to have some scars and issues and need counselling, etc. However, I believe it IS possible to adopt one that isn't going to set your cat on fire, chase you around with knives, or pee in your laundry. And I really DON'T mean to sound "flip" - because those are actual examples of what I've known to happen to people raising children with some pretty severe issues.

[shycar]

The hardest part is that you will really never know till that child is living with you. I had kids placed in my home that other foster parents said they were great kids, came here and turned our life upside down. I had some that the foster parents gave me a list of issues and issues, (im a theraputic home) and they were great kids. Some minor issues, but they did well in my home, with very little behavior issues. I have had babies that are suppose to have huge withdrawls and come and are the best babies, I had a baby suppose to be healthy, a week later we are at hospital having open heart surgery(my dd now). With behavior I think it depends a lot of structure on the family and the family life style. I have seen children do terrible in a home and get moved and do wonderful in another home. So it is a gamble. You just have to be honest with yourself what kind of gamble your willing to take.

We took lots of gamble. To me they were worth it. My son came to us at 15 months old, with attatchment issues, he was moved over 10 times in his first 15 months of his life. He was a high legal risk, chances of adoption was very low. It was a long road, but we adopted him when he was almost 4. Well he is almost 6 and has no attachment issues at all. He has the biggest heart ever. He loves all our foster babies, (he loves babies). Today I asked him if he likes to foster and he said yes becouse we love them till they go to a very good home or their mommy and daddy do better and that makes him feel good. I was so proud of him.

My dd came just as a foster child. She was a healthy 2 day old baby. About a week later we were at the hosptial with a baby close to death for open heart surgery. Many told us to just leave her there and to have sw find her another home, but my heart said she needed me, to not abandon her. If she died, it would kill me with sorrow,but she would die with someone there loving her. Well 10 months later we adopted her. Her health is getting better and better everyday. Actually doc told me she can be in the olympics if she wanted to. We have lived for months in the hospital and just 6 months ago we had a huge scare with her health again, but when I see my kids reading together, my son hugging his sister, my daughter kissing her brother, the gamble for me was so worth it. Sorry long.

[plum93]

Yes it is. I am caseworker and have seen many very resilient 'emotionally healthy' children. There are many smart and happy children I have worked with with no special needs or very minor ones. I wouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise, I see them everyday. But everyone is right it is a gamble.... anything could develop with any child.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by plum93

Yes it is. I am caseworker and have seen many very resilient 'emotionally healthy' children. There are many smart and happy children I have worked with with no special needs or very minor ones. I wouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise, I see them everyday. But everyone is right it is a gamble.... anything could develop with any child.

Ummm...I don't mean any disrespect here, but way too many of us have had the experience of a caseworker telling us that a child has "no issues" or only "very minor issues" only to find out that the reality is much, much different. It is hard as a caseworker to see the whole picture, since you don't live with the child and experience their day-to-day. I know it is terribly frustrating to try to explain an emotional problem of some severity to a casworker, and then have them brush it off as "normal kid stuff" or something. I do NOT believe any child at all can go through abuse and loss without SOME effects on their emotional development. And I'm not sure where "smart" came into it, because I don't think that intelligence is any kind of guarantee on how a child will process trauma.