[mommacass]

Well I got a call today that K's mom signed her rights away. They want to give her a goodbye visit on Monday. I really dread how K will react to this. I don't know how to prepare her for it or what I should say. Out of all the fc we have had we only had one that had one visit and she was an infant. I can't imagine how to deal with a goodbye visit. They told me it could last for 1 - 2 hrs. Should I stay or have them call me? Also K made a print of her hands on a wash cloth at preschool and it has a little poem about her hands attached to it, I would like to give this to her mom but I don't want to make her feel worse.

MommaCass

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mommacass

Well I got a call today that K's mom signed her rights away. They want to give her a goodbye visit on Monday. I really dread how K will react to this. I don't know how to prepare her for it or what I should say. Out of all the fc we have had we only had one that had one visit and she was an infant. I can't imagine how to deal with a goodbye visit. They told me it could last for 1 - 2 hrs. Should I stay or have them call me? Also K made a print of her hands on a wash cloth at preschool and it has a little poem about her hands attached to it, I would like to give this to her mom but I don't want to make her feel worse.

MommaCass

You are so kind-hearted and sweet. K is very young, I would not discuss that it is a goodbye visit. If you agency or a therapist feels differently--let them have that conversation with her.


The washcloth idea is very nice--however, it really belongs to K. She may want it to show her children someday--"look how little my hands were when I was four". Perhaps take some pictures of K and give them to birth mom?

The visit is more for birth mom, I think. If you are there, keep it light, help them play some games together or read a book.

Will be thinking of you--

[Withay]

One of the things I most admire about you mommacass is your empathy and thoughtfulness when it comes to the families of your foster children. Thank you for that.

Is there any way that you could help K make another handprint, perhaps the plaster kind to give to her mom? You could also then take a picture of her holding it. That way mom would have a 'gift' from her daughter and you would also have the washcloth one to keep for K.

As far as being at the goodbye visit, I wouldn't stay unless specifically requested to do so. Even then, I would try to leave K and her mom alone (I know it is supervised, but you know what I mean) for part of it. I would imagine that it will be a very emotional time for all.

You are in my prayers.

[sunflower1220]

I just wanted to say I am thinking of both you and K. I agree with the other posters. I love the idea about the hand print in plaster and giving it to K's birthmom, and also completely agree about not telling K it is a good bye visit, if the therapist feels she needs to know this then she/he should be the one to tell her.

Anyway just wanted to say you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs

[mommacass]

We had the visit yesterday. I told K on Sunday that she was going to visit her mom the next day. Of course she was excited and talked of nothing else (she had not seen her in about 3mo). I was very nervous. When her mom walked in K went over and gave her a big long hug and then K came back over and sat next to me, wrapped her arms around mine and would not let go. Her mom wanted to go outside for the visit but K did not want to go. So I asked if I should go and the cw said it was up to me, mom was nodding her head in agreement. So I get up to leave, after giving them my number, and K tries to follow me. I told her I would be back.
I had decided to give mom another school paper that K had done and it also had her hand print on it but it basicly said that I Love You. The other had a poem that I thought might make mom more upset than anything. Of course I ended up forgetting it at the house so I went to get it and take care of some other errands.
Almost 2 hours later I came back and K and her mom were outside so I waited in the car since I was early. After they went inside I followed, the worker said they were in the restroom. When K came out she came over and stood next to me. I gave her the card for her to give to her mom, she was sitting next to me at this time. We made some small talk and she asked if I had been the one to write the letter that had been sent with her to her grandmothers. I said yes. After a few minutes the worker told K it was time to tell her mom bye. So after a little coaxing she finally went to her and gave her another hug. Mom started to cry and so did I. After she let K go I reached over and gave her a hug also, she told me "thank you for taking care of my baby." I grabbed K's hand and we walked out quickly.

K would cry for her mom more times than I could count that day. And I still didn't know what to tell her. I didn't know if her mom had told her she would not see her for awhile or if K thinks that she will be seeing her again. I would just tell her I know you want to see your momma.

MommaCass

[vernellinnj]

I tell you, this process is so hard...on everyone. I will feel for my FC's mom. When (prayerfully) they TPR it will be bittersweet for me. I'm not sure I would want to be a part of the final visit..can't even imagine that.

Best to you and K.

[MomwithFive]

Oh, that sounds so heartbreaking. It must be so hard for everyone. I hope everyone finds some peace soon.

[mommacass]

Friday while K was in with the psychologist our worker called and asked if we were interested in adopting K. I told her no. I guess the relatives did not work out. I hate that we have waited so long and we finally have one that we could adopt and I just feel that it is not a good match for us or the child. She needs someone with much more patience than we have. I go back to the psychologist on Tuesday to hear her evaluation of K.
When T was with us it was as if she had always been apart of our family, we have not felt that way since she left. I don't think we ever will. And I still think we are done with trying to adopt, but I havn't told our agency because I know when I do that is the end and no turning back. It is so hard to face the end of a dream that has always been apart of me. I feel like when I let that dream die a big part of me will die with it.
Before we started the process I was very bitter about anyone around me that was having little girls. I don't want to go back to that but I'm afraid I will. How do I leave my dream behind and still be happy?

A very sad
mommacass

[kayb]

oh mommacass, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, my heart just feels for you. It's probably smart to not tell them you don't want to move forward on any adoption right now. You just never know what lies ahead for any of us.

And you are way to hard on yourself, talking about "leaving a dream behind".

It will be what it will be! (and no one knows what it will be, that's for sure)

keep your head up thru the next couple of weeks, keep us updated and keep a little bit of your sanity!

[athikers]

I would recommend taking a break... and seeing how you feel again after you have a "girl-free" house for a few months (or even longer). Its easier to keep everything current than it is to sign off only to want to try again later.

You're in a hard place, I'm so sorry.

[mommacass]

We had K's PPT meeting this week, that was my first one. Anyway they asked me again if we wanted to adopt her and I said no. Of course I explained the reasons I felt that we were not a good match for K. Well my agency said that they had another family in mind that would like to adopt. They just need CPS to give the OK. My cw worker called this afternoon and said that next weekend they would do a visit and if that worked out then the next weekend they would move her. So much for taking things slow. K is very shy and they want me to meet this woman on the road in between our towns and hand K over to her. I could be wrong but I don't think that this will go over to well with K.

MommaCass

[athikers]

Ask permission to slow it down....

Ideally, it should take many days to happen.

Explain that you think it should go something like:

The first visit future parents come to YOUR house, interact mainly with YOU and simply "observe" kiddo.

The second visit future parents interact with you and kiddo (play games, go to the park together, something where EVERYONE is there). Also, when you do cares for her... cutting up food, bathing, dressing... you do them, but future parents are present with you.

Third visit, much like the second EXCEPT at key times...ask the future parents to take over cares... for example "Oh, I was going to grab K's jacket, but I just remembered I need to make a phone call... mommy smith, could you get her jacket and put it on her please?" (or something) Do this all day long... showing you trust "mommy smith" to do her cares.

Fourth day future parents take kiddo for half a day

Fifth visit, take her the whole day

Sixth visit, one over night

Seventh visit two overnights

Eight visit three overnights.

Then she leaves.

This is ideal, condense it if need be... but try to fit this transition of caregiving in and show K that you trust the new parents to caregive.

Push, push, push for transition. It is hard on everyone but best in the end.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I agree with athikers. We just did a move exactly like what you are describing. We asked for transition time over and over, but in the end, they found a "match" and FS went to spend a couple of nights and then they moved him. We have gotten a couple of teary calls that are heartbreaking even though we did not want to adopt (we are foster only). We have offered and will be doing respite care for him which is nice, but I actually drove 45 minutes and went to let him do a meet and greet with the new family the night before he was to actually stay over with them just so that I would not have to do the "hi, nice to meet you, bye-bye kid" kind of drop-off. I would NEVER do that with my bio sons so why they think this should feel natural just because the other family is DCFS approved is beyond me. So maybe you could invite them to supper or go to their house and check things out for a meet and greet before K has to take a bag for an overnight visit???

Kim

[cantbuymeluv]

Thank you for caring soooooooooooooooo much about that bio mom I know it must have hurt to see that.
I don't know if I could have done that THANK you again, when she remembers her last visit, I know that she will remember the pain less and less but the kindness and the caring you had for her 'baby' and her forever! At least she has that YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!