[RobinKay]

I am starting this thread to discuss reunification with birth family, especially relatives. We adopted our nephew and he is now our son. He is a wonderful blessing not just to us, but to our entire family. He was very happy to come home to his family.

Our ason was almost 5 when taken into care from his birth parents. The story is a familiar one—parents were drug and alcohol abusers and frequently in trouble with the law. Our ason was in care with two families until he was 6 ½ and placed with us, adopted one month and six days after placement. The judge waived the waiting period for us. Everyone involved in the case was very pleased for our ason.

The reason I read this site and post occasionally is the experience we had with the foster family. The last foster family that cared for him had him for about a year. We were waiting for an ICPC to be completed as we live in Hawaii and our ason was in Florida at the time, where most of the birth family is living. During this year-long period, there was no plan to terminate parental rights. The goal was always reunification and later changed to placement with relatives (us).

The day came for the hearing to place him with us and let us take him home to family. At that hearing, we found out the foster parents had heavily influenced the (new to the case) GAL against us. The social worker had not arranged for everyone to be there (like the therapist), and the judge decided to defer her decision for 20 days. We were very hurt and confused.

We were left to arrange our own transition visits—the judge said go ahead with the visits, etc. as the answer wasn’t no to placement with us. The foster parents were very rude and possessive of our ason (nephew at the time). The first words out of the fmom’s mouth were “he is a member of our family, we consider him a member of our family”. It went downhill from there. They were very blunt and open about their intention to adopt this child and constantly made negative comments about our ason’s bfamily. The first phone call we were told to NOT share the number with the sister as they did not want bmother to get the number.

We got through it all, and he was placed with us. That day in court they were just crushed when he was placed with us—the GAL’s office just embarrassed themselves so badly—did not even know who we were or what our relationship was to ason—thought we were the paternal grandparents! The therapist came in strongly for us and that certainly helped. I was just overwhelmed by the drama, and we had to wait outside the courtroom for the decision. We had an attorney, and the attorney was in there, thank goodness.

Our ason’s birthsister also spoke to the judge prior to the hearing and told the judge that the foster parents had done nothing to help maintain the relationship between her and her brother (she was 18 at the time). Fparents had not made a single effort to get to know her or facilitate the visits. All the sibling visits were shared visits with (crazy) birthmother. Kids never got to be together just for their own visits, although social worker and therapist tried to arrange family-type social events to help foster parents get to know the birth sister.

Overall, the picture they presented of themselves as a caring family for this child, looking out for his best interests, was actually their agenda to begin a family as they could not have children of their own. They mentioned that to us over and over—as though we were supposed to realize it was “their turn” since we had raised two sons already.

They had this great, healthy kid, and decided they wanted him regardless of what the social services plan stated.

That is the heart of my anger and resentment towards this couple—and it hurts to feel this way because I am a nice person, I always believe the best of people. I felt betrayed by the system, judged by these foster parents, and criticized for wanting to provide a home and good life for a minor child who was a much-loved relative. Our family does not give away children, we did not want him to grow up wondering why no one in his family wanted him.

We were blamed for the long time it took for the ICPC when it was not our fault, and the social worker would not facilitate contact until it was done. Then we were criticized for not having contact. When we asked about it afterwards, we were told that contact would not have been possible because the foster parents “weren’t open to it”. Yeah, now I see why after reading posts. The longer a child has no or little contact with bfamily, the better the chances the foster family has to keep the child.

I thank everyone who has shared on this site—I realize that most foster parents are the caring, altruistic people I imagined and I felt so much healing. I look forward to hearing from folks with reunification stories or with thoughts on reunification.

[vernellinnj]

Robin - Glad things worked out well for your family. Best to your son!

[Let_it_Be]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am in the process of getting my nephew out of foster care. He is in WV and I am in FL. He was taken by CPS in Feb of this year. There is no hope of reunification with bmom or bdad both are into drugs and bdad has never done a thing for his son but made threats of hurting him or killing him. I am the only relative that wants him. Florida is so slow at getting things done. DH and I have started the MAPP classes last week, 9 more to go.
The fmom is great and we are in contact daily. She has been great at getting me info and she really wants him to be with us. He gets to spend 3 weeks with us in June and it is going to be so hard to send him back to fmom. He is happy there, this is the second home he has been in. The first home the fmom and fdad hit their own kids with a belt and scared my nephew that they removed him from the home but let these people keep other fkids. Seems crazy to me.
I have to call the local place to see if they got the paperwork for the ICPC yet. I have to stay on them. WV is ready to give him over, I just have to fight with FL. Bdad has agreed to sign his rights over if my sister doesn't testify against him and she has been willing to sign her rights over for the last month. She must have relized that she doesn't really want to be clean from drugs.
Thanks again for sharing your story, I need to hear more stories of relative placements.

[msgypsylee]

I too would like to thank you for sharing. It seems so many times like family just pops up in the 11th hours in many cases. Its good to hear stories like yours where the interest is there, just the process is slow. I have a new baby in my home and I hope for her sake, if family does come forward they come sooner rather then later when it would be so much harder on all of us, her especially.

Keep them coming...

[Becki_in_IN]

Let your anger go. Infertility is a heartbreaking thing. Yes, these people didn't handle ths right, but at least they loved your son. I'm glad that he was able to be placed with someone in his birthfamily.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Becki_in_IN

Let your anger go. Infertility is a heartbreaking thing. Yes, these people didn't handle ths right, but at least they loved your son. I'm glad that he was able to be placed with someone in his birthfamily.

you are right, Becky. I have made progress with my anger and resentment through counseling and prayer. Reading on this site has been very healing.

I just still break out in cold sweats when I think how we almost lost him. I have a hard time with the fact that they put themselves first, not the child, and then tried to portray themselves at this caring, selfless couple rescuing this child from the horrible birth family. The court documents show how they tried to influence the process, stating their opinion that he did not know us--that is in offcial documents. Then their supervisor said they did not know about us, that is why they got so attached. Hello, can't have it both ways, claiming child did not know us and also claim they did not know about us and the ICPC.

There was no excuse for what they did and how they treated us--none. They wanted a child and picked this one. We received no apology from anyone, just the excuse "we fell in love with him".

We could not get the adoption done fast enough just so we could walk away from everyone--social services and the foster family and the licensing agency. We were sympathetic to the fparents--tried to keep in contact--they still prompted him to call them mom and dad in phone calls! The limited contact was so inappropriate we just cut it off completely after 4 months.

I am trying, Becky, I really am. It scares me to know this is happening everywhere, to so many children, especially when it's an ICPC. An ICPC takes forever!!

thank you so much for listening

[circap]

RobinKay- I am happy for your family being able to give him a home within his birth family.

Being a foster adopt parent myself, I couldn't imagine the family who did the things that you mention. We knew when we started this process of our lives that we were just a loving stable home until all other avenues are exhausted and then we are the forever home. Knowing that still does not keep me from attaching myself and loving the child like my own. But it does stop me from fighting the processes that need to take place before all is said and done.
We had a little boy with us from birth (he stayed for over eight months) and then moved to his aunt's house. She had never visited him at all (I found out later that she had called and called but CPS was slow about setting visitations.) It was very difficult to see him go and I did cry quite a bit...but I knew in my heart that I had my place in his life and it was just for those eight months until all paperwork and processes had been complete.

On defense of the foster parents though, we had been only a few weeks before that this little boy had a very good chance of being adopted by us. So we were preparing our hearts for that. And were very shocked when we learned that he would be leaving ....so some times...foster parents get wrong or lacking information because of many reasons and the family members are giving incorrect information and then before you know it ...hearts are involved, mouthes are moving at high rate of speed, and many people in between get hurt.

So, I pray for all those family members wanting their relatives back and also all the foster to adopt parents that are waiting for their homes and arms to be filled...it is a long hard roller coaster ride of emotions.

[dreamangel]

RobinKay, it is so good to hear your son is with you and I wish you the best and your family the best!

My husband and I have severe fertility issues and my husband was born with cystic fibrosis. This is something we have no control over. Does this mean we should never be parents....absoutely not, it just means we need to take a different route and if adopting a child is what we need to do then so be it. I will never apologize for having the love and desire to be a parent, never. This is why I am in it. I am being honest when I say that. Not all of us are bad and all we are guilty of is falling in love with these kids that we are protecting and hoping that someday if it is to be, we can adopt and finally be the family we were meant to be.

This foster family, in their defense, loved this child. Regardless of how they may have treated you, they loved him no matter what and as far as they knew there were no relatives willing to take him. Then to find out that there is a family member is the most horrible day of a foster parents life. Even though the most of us know it is for the best, and we will comply, doesn't make it easier to give this child up. This was probably the way this family could deal with loosing him.

While the system is for the birthfamily and so on, I think everyone needs to look at the hearts of foster-adopt families and cut um some slack.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by dreamangel

RobinKay, it is so good to hear your son is with you and I wish you the best and your family the best!

My husband and I have severe fertility issues and my husband was born with cystic fibrosis. This is something we have no control over. Does this mean we should never be parents....absoutely not, it just means we need to take a different route and if adopting a child is what we need to do then so be it. I will never apologize for having the love and desire to be a parent, never. This is why I am in it. I am being honest when I say that. Not all of us are bad and all we are guilty of is falling in love with these kids that we are protecting and hoping that someday if it is to be, we can adopt and finally be the family we were meant to be.

This foster family, in their defense, loved this child. Regardless of how they may have treated you, they loved him no matter what and as far as they knew there were no relatives willing to take him. Then to find out that there is a family member is the most horrible day of a foster parents life. Even though the most of us know it is for the best, and we will comply, doesn't make it easier to give this child up. This was probably the way this family could deal with loosing him.

While the system is for the birthfamily and so on, I think everyone needs to look at the hearts of foster-adopt families and cut um some slack.

thank you so much for responding--I sincerely hope your plan to become parents comes true.

I agree foster parents love children, I am so glad they are there for children who have no options from birth family.

In this case--no, these folks do not deserve slack. He was placed with them in August, we came forward in October after fussing with birth mother and my mother-in-law, trying to get them "on board" with us. These folks knew about us--and chose to ignore us. We visited with our ason in December and gave numerous pictures of us and the family. He had a "memory board" and our pictures were deliberately excluded. The therapist had a session with our ason in their home in January--our ason stated in front of the foster mother that he knew us and remembered us. We sent gifts, and received one letter back that the therapist helped him write. He did not receive the support he needed except from the therapist and sw. When we picked him up with his luggage, he RAN out of that house, worried we would leave without him. He wanted to come home someway, somehow.

These folks stated to us that they had no intention of adopting until our little guy came along. He was handsome, smart, athletic--no big issues emotionally, no medical issues--a perfect child to adopt. They proceeded to cut out as much of his birth family as possible (no visits with sister on their part) and punished him for acting out in response to visits with bmom--by the way, they decided to stop participating in his therapy as "they did not have time for that" and told therapist they would not transport him for visits as they were required to do.

BTW--they had another long-term foster child, offered to adopt and that child said no, I want to go home to family. That child was with them for about 5 years, I believe. That told me something about them--

There are many, many wonderful foster parents who are lifesavers for children. My concern is these folks and others like them who treat the foster care system like a "try before you buy" program. Get a kid, see if it's a good match, and then fight reunification in every subtle and overt way they can.

I am learning and accepting not everyone is like this-and I bless you and your husband for your open hearts and minds and for educating me. I also thank you for your tolerance with my angry thoughts--you are helping me as well as the future children that will come to you. God bless you both.

[dreamangel]

This is a life lesson to all of us

God bless you too.

[hkolln]

I'm sure some on here have heard my long story so I won't get into it again...but we are relatives raising our niece whom was in foster care for 11 months in another state. As soon as we found out she was in foster care we immediately got involved (6 wks into it) however DCF did not notify the foster family til 7 months later that we were interested (after we were completely licensed as foster parents). I hear alot of relatives coming out of the woodwork and it's sad. I think kids need permanency, either with family or a foster family that will be their family.

Our ICPC is still being worked on for her adoption...and she's been with us now 11 months! So in total it's now at the 22 month mark since we have been involved in the case. ICPC's can take along time and sometimes DCF does not notify the foster families that relatives are interested. It's sad, but it's true.

We are leaving on June 7th to fly to Idaho to visit the previous foster family for 4 days and then we're going to visit relatives. We know our niece needs to know it's ok to love multiple people and we want the previous foster family to be in her life as much as we can. It's hard since we're in FL and they are in ID but we will try our best.

I can still remember sitting in our nieces therapists office in Idaho along with the FM and the FM started crying saying "We love her" and me not knowing what to say to her. Only thing I could think of was "Thank you for taking such great care of our niece. We know you love her and we know she loves you." And from then on we promised we wouldn't cut them out of our niece's life. It was hard in the beginning for them to let go but I understood.

I just hope they realize we are not the mean, spiteful relatives that came out of the woodwork. I know it probably does look that way sometimes.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by hkolln

We are leaving on June 7th to fly to Idaho to visit the previous foster family for 4 days and then we're going to visit relatives. We know our niece needs to know it's ok to love multiple people and we want the previous foster family to be in her life as much as we can. It's hard since we're in FL and they are in ID but we will try our best.

I can still remember sitting in our nieces therapists office in Idaho along with the FM and the FM started crying saying "We love her" and me not knowing what to say to her. Only thing I could think of was "Thank you for taking such great care of our niece. We know you love her and we know she loves you." And from then on we promised we wouldn't cut them out of our niece's life. It was hard in the beginning for them to let go but I understood.

I just hope they realize we are not the mean, spiteful relatives that came out of the woodwork. I know it probably does look that way sometimes.

I so wish I could do what you are doing--be in touch. They were so attached to this child. He plays football now and the foster dad spent hours throwing the football with him. Our little guy is a star, and I'd love to share that with them. But every time there was contact, they pushed us and our ason emotionally--I feel part of our "puzzle" is missing as there wasn't the loving transition to us there should have been. I wanted to welcome them as an aunt and uncle to our ason, I think of them almost daily and wish I could share with them that he has a dog now and learned to surf--he was baptized and is a Cub Scout.

I daydream about sending them an Xmas card and a letter, perhaps a picture. But if I open contact again--what would that do to my ason? He has accepted they were temporary and now are no longer part of his life. His feelings and needs have to come first.

thank you for letting me know I am not alone with this--we had such similar situations--big changes need to happen with the ICPC, that's for sure.

It truly isn't fair to have the foster family put their hearts on the line over and over--

BTW--the fparent's supervisor told me they decided never to foster again--they only wanted a child they could adopt. It was too hard emotionally when they had to give up this child.

[mommy2fiveplus]

YOU can always have contact via letters/pics/updates and such, your son has no need to know and you will know if they are wanted if they are not returned.

As a foster parent I am always happy to get updates on my previous kids esppesially if they are doing well, it makes me feel like the time that I had them was beneficial and that they are able to cope with life and succed in part because I was there for them when they needed it. In the foster care system, the foster parents sometimes get very little reward for the awesome amount of time/energy and mostly HEART that we pour into each child, those updates are the best present we can ever recieve.

While it sounds like they were less than ideal foster parents, if they were worth a grain of salt they will love to get an update.

I am really glad that he ended up with family because people minimize the huge impact that biologic culture can play in a child's life. I am in a unique position that I can sympathize with you (adopted my 2nd cousin) and I identify with other foster families (I am a foster parent that has given her much loved foster kids over to families, good and bad).

My oldest adopted son (the previous 2nd cousin) was given to me 3 mos prior to our being licensed as foster parents because the current foster family "felt he was getting to attached" to them after having him for 1 mos (he was 12 mos/old). They never transitioned him or anything, the social worker just showed one day and said we could take him (they called it relative care until the licensed finished) or they would take him to another home. This was just an example of a foster family trying to protect its heart and losing site of the best interest of the child. It isn't pretty but it happens, some times everybody just needs time to recognize the error of thier ways, those foster parents are probably kicking themselves now because thier actions have cut them off entirely from a child that they LOVED for an entire year.

Congratulations on your son's adoption and I pray you can put aside your negative feelings and just enjoy being a mom again, and remember their is a mom out thier that has lost her son and is probably grieving right now.

[RobinKay]

Congratulations on your son's adoption and I pray you can put aside your negative feelings and just enjoy being a mom again, and remember their is a mom out thier that has lost her son and is probably grieving right now.

thank you mommyplus--I will try to listen with my heart as well has my head to your advice about anger. I know you are right.

Just to clarify--we are in touch with bmother as she is the common-law-wife of dh's brother, the bfather.

We have gone to great lenghts to be in touch with everyone who loves this child except the former fparents. I often think about a Christmas card with letter and picture-but have to consider the advice of the therapist and family counselor. Their advice is that there won't be any long term benefit to ds. But perhaps there is room for kindness-as you said, it does not need to be contact with ds.

I will work out my emotions slowly and steadily, and love and care for our precious lil guy. I will think very hard about your suggestions.

Thank you again-

[hkolln]

Sometimes you have to set aside your anger and emotions for the kids...don't let the anger ruin your life or his life. He may want that connection to them later on. Step back from the situation and see it from his eyes..is what you are doing best for him OR is this something that is best for you? When it's time you'll know.

Our niece's previous foster grandma mailed her a card and letter back about a month after she moved here with us with a list of "Things I miss about you" which included stuff like, 'You yelling for your friends to come over to my house', 'you spending the night at my house', 'bike rides with you', etc...and it was long. I made the decision not to show that to her at that time because it would make her feel guilty for causing the fgrandma to grieve. I explained to them that as long as it's positive notes and calls and letters, etc...then we would be happy to pass them onto her. We understand they love her however they needed to have space to let her move forward into our family. I'm hoping this trip next week will be a postive one. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I've always been a positive person and avoid negativity...so I'm sure everything will be fine