[Aminah]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

If relatives want foster parents to avoid using "come out of the woodwork" because it is offensive then I think they should tread lightly about foster parents "stealing" kids.

You're right. I'll find a different way to frame a limited subset of examples I would be referring to... sorry for offending anyone.

I should have made referenced to "individuals that try to block RU with bfamily when it is in the best interest of the child."

[mommy2fiveplus]

Aminah- You seem more than happy to offer criticisms of foster families and CW but unwilling to accept any in regards to yourself. I have no advice to offer, that is not why I am posting. I doubt you would appreciate my advice anyhow.

I am with Boulderbabe, you are coming across as hostile.

And before you lay into me about being just "pro-ffamily", you should know that I too have adopted a relative from foster care, I may not have encountered as many hurdles as you (I became licensed after only 3 mos and he was only in a previous foster home for 1 mos, as they placed him in kinship care with me until my license was approved) but I also see the point of foster families as I have been doing foster care now for almost 6 years and have been a foster sibling for over 20 years.

I agree with Boulderbabe, if your nephew were in my foster home from 1.5 years and that was the majority of his life, I would not advocate moving him either, espessially if you are calling foster families kidnappers. JUst because a foster family adopts a child does not mean you are no longer his family, many foster families (my own included) are more than willing to let extended healthy bio family continue relationships with the child. IE: you can still have the aunt realtionship you have now with him. I doubt that they would be open to that situation if you continue to charecterizes them as kidnappers. We are allowing many of our adopted children's extended biofam MORE access to the child than the had while in bparents care.

In your case, it is really irrevelvant, you are slowly getting what you want anyway, your nephew is being moved from his current long-term placement to your home and I really have no advice to offer except to not be suprised when ffamily wants little to do with you or him after the transition is complete. They may feel you are harming him emotionally by removing him now and they are doing what any good parent would do, trying to protect the child. You see thier attempts at protection as slights, so be it, they see your attempts at gaining custody of the boy as detrimental. I get the feeeling from your posts that you feel like the ffamilies only care about themselves and thier feelings but in reality what you are preceiving as them protecting themselves from loss by stealing kids is really them trying to protect the child. Most foster families are not selfishly thinking of themselves all the time. I have not heard from them but I have to assume that misjudgements have been made on all sides, I see no amiable solution to this problem without a significant attitude change. I for one would not continue visits with a removed foster child if I thought the bfamily was telling the child the story of how the foster family tried to steal the baby and the biofam won them away. That would not be doing any good for the CHILD, he would probably be afraid of the foster parents trying to "steal" or "kidnap" him again.

You may not like what I have said, that's the way it goes sometimes, I really didn't like much of what you said. Please remeber that some people on this forum talk from the position they have been in but that positon may be limited to one or two situations where as other people can speak from multiple points of view and have experience with hundreds of different situations.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by Aminah

I'm not sure if you read my first post, but I don't have W. I'm still going through the process. As I said before, it's a long and slow process. I anticipate that he'll be moved in the next three months.

I did. I misunderstood it. (I've had less than four hours of sleep each night for the last week--I think it's affecting my memory!)

If you can think of any other way to incorporate the ffoster family in W's life, I'd greatly appreciate it. That really was the premise of my second post. I certainly don't want to shut out the ffamily. I was hoping to get some experiences from other people on how best to incorporate them. Maybe I should ask the ffamily directly.

I think the first thing you should do is try to let go of your hostility about the process. That can really interfere with building collaborative relationships. Then, I think a simple invitation can make a HUGE difference in how everybody feels. Send the foster parents a note, tell them how much you appreciate everything that they've done for W, and that you know they'll be in his heart forever. Tell them that you'd like to come together with them to make a large extended family for W that will endure as he grows up. Ask them what you could do to help them stay involved with him, and let them know you welcome them.

My son's bparents and I went through a very rancorous process when he was a baby. Bmom walked out on her treatment plan when my son was 6 months old, but Bdad and his mom fought in court for 18 months. Since both of them were still using drugs, I contested reunification with them---whether or not the baby stayed with me, I did not think he would be safe with them. You can imagine all the hurt feelings that ensued.

Since then, I have had little contact with my son's bdad----which was his decision, not mine. (I left him my telephone number and email). But my son's bmom and I have slowly forged a very good and supportive relationship between us for the sake of our son. Last year she told me, "Thank you for taking care of him when I could not." It meant the entire world to me---that simple phrase has been the foundation of an enduring basis of mutual respect. Maybe it will work for you.

[Boulderbabe]

By the way: one of the mantras that I repeat to myself a lot is "the winner can afford to be generous." That is, the person who has the child isn't dealing with enormous heartache. They have more resources to share. So if you can, be generous to the people who love W and want him to be happy.

[Aminah]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

Aminah- I for one would not continue visits with a removed foster child if I thought the bfamily was telling the child the story of how the foster family tried to steal the baby and the biofam won them away. That would not be doing any good for the child, he would probably be afraid of the foster parents trying to "steal" or "kidnap" him again.

I truly do not mind your opinion. However, please understand that I was not referring to the ffamily I am currently dealing with in regards to "stealing." My comment was in response to a PREVIOUS POST regarding HER SPECIFIC SITUATION, not my ffamily. If you read the earlier post, you'll see that. Furthermore, I am not criticizing all foster families. I am criticizing a SELECT FEW and I'd be happy to criticize a select few bp as well. If anything, I have been very critical of my CW. Did you read my initial posts?

I think the ffamily I am currently dealing with is great to my nephew, a wonderful family in general, and I think the situation they are currently in is unfortunate. They have had moments where they were rude to me but I've tried to look the other way considering the pain they are going through. Again, I said they had moments, small limited encounters. I have never said anything to them that was rude, or talked down to my nephew regarding the ffamily. I do feel the hurt inside when people are rude and I use this forum to discuss my frustration. I think it is terrible that this family was mislead to believe no family came forward, and it's terrible that my family was blocked from 2 years of his life. This situation is unfortunate for both parties in my opinion. Both sides did what they were supposed to do, but the agency did not. That was the premise of my initial post.

Again, my negative comment regarding ffamilies was not regarding MY CURRENT SITUATION. You're entitled to feel how you feel but at least base it on accurate information.

[Aminah]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I think the first thing you should do is try to let go of your hostility about the process.

This is hard...

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Send the foster parents a note, tell them how much you appreciate everything that they've done for W, and that you know they'll be in his heart forever. Tell them that you'd like to come together with them to make a large extended family for W that will endure as he grows up. Ask them what you could do to help them stay involved with him, and let them know you welcome them.

I'll try this. I have actually drafted a note already. Thanks!

[mommy2fiveplus]

Basically I think if you say ANY foster family, current situation or other wise (such as you other relatives that were adopted or the other posters relative) are trying to "steal" or "kidnap" a child you are doing harm. Think it, don't say it. If one of those kids overheard that opinion they could believe it is true of all foster parents, even thier own.

[mommy2fiveplus]

I agree with you that it is unfortunate that the agency made all of the mistakes and yet it is the child that will suffer. Because of thier lack of due-dilligence in this case that child will suffer yet another significant loss in his life. Too bad there isn't a way to allow him to keep his current "mom/dad" attachment and still retain his aunt attachment with you, I guess his current foster-parents would not be willing to have an OA that would be in his best interest, that is too bad.

I had one of my foster son for almost 2 years before TPR and when we spoke to extended family about how important they were to him and us they decided not to pursue his adoption, they remain his grandparents and aunts and play a large role in his life. They are not his parents we are but they are still his aunts and grandparents. It has been a wonderful experience, he has lost nothing, none of his relationships have changed over the last 3 years and he is doing fabulous.

[Aminah]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

Think it, don't say it. If one of those kids overheard that opinion they could believe it is true of all foster parents, even thier own.

Sorry for being offensive. Point well taken!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

I had one of my foster son for almost 2 years before TPR and when we spoke to extended family about how important they were to him and us they decided not to pursue his adoption, they remain his grandparents and aunts and play a large role in his life. They are not his parents we are but they are still his aunts and grandparents. It has been a wonderful experience, he has lost nothing, none of his relationships have changed over the last 3 years and he is doing fabulous.

This is the best thing that can happen when bparents cannot raise their child, and the child does not go to relatives right away.

If we could just clone you--all problems solved!!!

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I'm in favor of permanence and stability. With relatives, if possible and done early. If not, with fost/adopt families.

Unfortunately if you are going the ICPC route from another state then it is not possible to speed up the process and move the child immediately. The only reason our daughter was not moved fast was because of ICPC issues and DCF dragging their feet. So you can't fault the bio families if that is the case as far as movement quicker. There are things that cause delays...which are not the bio families faults. Now, if they come out months or years later looking for custody then YES the child should stay where he/she is however every situation is different too.

[hkolln]

Oh I can attest to the system taking FOREVER...and ICPC taking months. It took us 11 mos from contacting the SW in Idaho to moving our niece (now our daughter) here. The ICPC process is complicated and has alot of issues. It only took us 2 12 mos to become licensed foster parents and then another 8 mos for the ICPC to be approved and then a few months of the Ffamily fighting movement to us. It was very frustrating as we wanted placement right away however the system prevented that.

[dreamangel]

I have followed this thread and I swore I wouldn't say something, but....

We are foster to adopt my husband and I, and we in no way have any intention of "stealing" a child from their bio family. We will however offer our hearts and souls to a child that needs us to be their forever family. I am tired of "us" foster families being the evil doers all the time. Children aren't taken from their bio families because they didn't go to bed at 9pm or because they got one to many bars of chocolate!!!!! Horrific things happen to kids and we as foster or foster to adopt families are there to protect the children. If bio parents don't want their kids taken from them, then, quit the ****! It seems like some of you people are in another world. Our 6mth old fd's case is up in the air. We both know she can leave us anytime, we just don't think about it. We are here for her and are loving every ounce of her. If this gorgeous girl leaves us our hearts will break but we will do what ever we have to for her. We have an emotional attachement to her and we won't apologize to anyone for that. I don't care who you are!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by dreamangel

I have followed this thread and I swore I wouldn't say something, but....

We are foster to adopt my husband and I, and we in no way have any intention of "stealing" a child from their bio family. We will however offer our hearts and souls to a child that needs us to be their forever family. I am tired of "us" foster families being the evil doers all the time. Children aren't taken from their bio families because they didn't go to bed at 9pm or because they got one to many bars of chocolate!!!!! Horrific things happen to kids and we as foster or foster to adopt families are there to protect the children. If bio parents don't want their kids taken from them, then, quit the ****! It seems like some of you people are in another world. Our 6mth old fd's case is up in the air. We both know she can leave us anytime, we just don't think about it. We are here for her and are loving every ounce of her. If this gorgeous girl leaves us our hearts will break but we will do what ever we have to for her. We have an emotional attachement to her and we won't apologize to anyone for that. I don't care who you are!

You shouldn't have to apologize to anyone--and please do go right on loving this beautiful child.

No one disputes the reasons why children are taken into foster care.

The discussion is centered around children being placed with relatives when birthparents cannot get their act together.

It is not meant to be a thread to bash foster parents, and we have "scolded" posters for using the phrase "stealing" in reference to foster parents.

Dreamangel, my personal heartache is when foster parents try to block reunification. Many foster parents have supported this viewpoint--that it's wrong to try to keep a child that could go home to a relative.

Many posters have discussed the trauma of moving a child from a settled, stable foster home to go with an unfamiliar relative, to a home they have never visited before. It is a valid point of view.

That is the discussion. It is highly charged with emotion, and all posters are very passionate in their sharing.

I have posted many times about my personal experience, and that I was shocked by the lack of support for the court's plan for my ds (then my nephew) by the fparents. I found out that my experience is repeated over and over, all over the United States. I was pretty naive!!

So I started this thread to discuss and learn.

I have learned that there are the wonderful, altruistic foster parents out there. I have learned that there are experienced foster parents who have seen the very real damage that is done to children who have been moved multiple times. And I have learned there is no one answer for all children.

I hope the decision for your little one is in her best interest, and I thank you for your love and devotion to her.

[hkolln]

Ffamilies love the children like their own, giving them stability and love that their bioparents couldn't. I think bfamilies are upset because when it does come down to the transitions to our homes we have had to fight for our relatives (me particuraly in court even though we were involved and licensed foster parents for months) and we have that stigma upon ourselves that "well if the biomom and biodad can't parent then the entire family is disfunctional" which in some cases just is not true. It's on a case by case basis. Not all biofamilies are disastrous or like the parents of the kids you have. It has alot to do with the choices you make as an adult as to what path you turn down.

My thought is in my particular situation is that I wished the ffamily that was keeping our daughter safe during that time when the ICPC was going on that they would have become positive, spoke positively of the move to her, and welcomed the move for OUR daughters sake. It's a selfless act to put the child before yourself, making it positive for them and moving forward for them. In our case we recvd numerous phone calls and letters in the mail regarding "what we miss about you" and that caused a then 7 yr old child to feel tremendous guilt for their pain. It did not help with the transition at all (luckily I was screening letters from them so she never saw the "What I miss about you" letter).

We should be working alongside the Ffamilies, not against them. We both love these kids!