[sunsetsky]

Only if they had an approved homestudy. I know of a foster parent that allowed a relative to visit in their home. The cw was there too. They have a wonderful relationship to this day.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

Only if they had an approved homestudy. I know of a foster parent that allowed a relative to visit in their home. The cw was there too. They have a wonderful relationship to this day.

But, that one family member(s) who has the approved HS can give your address, etc. to all family members...that's the problem. I have the child's best interest and my personal safety/privacy in mind. I can't sacrifice one for the other.

Now, bear in mind that one of my former placements has my phone number and address. We tried to keep in close contact but it was too confusing for him and it was affecting his bonding with his mom. We had to pull back. Even still, the first words out of his mouth when I call are, "are you coming to get me". Breaks my heart. I had no concern for my personal saftey in that situation. Every case is different.

Guess we've beat that topic to death!

[sunsetsky]

I think DSS would try not to put foster parents in a dangerous situation. I believe that bioparents could probably figure out an address or phone number if they are determined. I think bio and foster parents can start small with a phone call a note. If if goes well end in a visit. I understand that but I had a 13 yo sibling visiting my home. He could have given my number and address. I trusted that he would not because I wanted his trust. His foster mother came and visited my home and he felt comfortable to come on visits on the weekends. I get the safety issues. You right about .... each case is different.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

I agree that the foster mom should be supportive of the pre-adoptive parents but I can't say that I'd want the visit in my home either. I'd be happy to bring the child to your home or a neutral place. I'm a lil weird about people in my home (think it comes with being single).

And of course...no one (inc SWs) can MAKE someone allow people in their home.

They did our first visit at the DCF office where the bioparents visit (with the 1 way mirror to watch) and then they did the other visits at a local park or we went to lunch, etc (we never had unsupervised visits until transition which kinda made me feel like the criminal in all this but that was ok-they were protecting Alexis)...then we worked up to picking her up at their house and taking her somewhere and then when we did meet at their house inside the CASA went with us. You don't have to meet at your house at all...there are I'm sure many places for the child to meet with the adoptive parent or relative besides your house.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

I thought if a family member wanted to go to a foster home, it would be part of being a foster parent. Now, I know different. How often does this happen? I have been tested by this situation. I almost felt like giving up.

Sunsetsky,

I think you have to understand first that we foster parents are volunteers, not employees. And these are our homes, not public facilities.

We are asked to have strangers in and out of our homes on a constant basis. Homestudy workers, licensing workers, retention workers, caseworkers, GALs, CASAs, therapists.....it goes on and on. After a while, it feels really intrusive. I once had a lawyer demand to see my fkid "in the home." I pointed out that it wasn't "THE home," it was MY home, and while he was welcome as a guest, it wasn't a public facility.

Can you imagine having people trooping in and out of your house, including the private places like bedrooms and bathrooms, on a regular basis?

So yeah. I avoid whichever extra intrusions I can. I might have relatives or bfamily in my house after I've gotten to know them, but I'd sure like the option of inviting people to my home instead of having them assume they can come whenever they want because it's "part of being a foster parent."

[sunsetsky]

I don't know if I made it clear ... I am a fost/adopt parent.

It wasn't my idea that foster parents let me in their home. I didn't get the importance of it. This is how the cw explained it to me. I was told this will help with the bonding/attaching process. I just want to meet my new son. I guess I am a pushover because I would do it . I hate that my home is open to all these people too but I thought it was part of the job. I got over after 18 month of weekly visits. lol BTW my office refers to me as an employee. ??? I just wish the foster mother refused and stood her ground then we would have meet at the park or daycare. She is sitting on the fence about it. She is allowing this visit but wants to see how it goes before committing to any more. Then if she doesn't we haven't set up a visiting schedule outside the home or inside her home. We have just one visit planned. Its been a huge delay. If I felt like I don't want "me" in my home, I would say NO Way. I would let them know how I can make the visits take place. I totally get the privacy issue. My issue is ... It is standing in the way of the bonding process or even me meeting the child. Imagine ....If I were a relative.. I was approved to adopt these children in early July, now its September. Court is this week and I can't even say I meet one of the children. I think I would be very anxious to how this would look to the judge. Will the cw let the judge know I was trying or would they look at the fact. I moved the "baby in but the older child is still foster care. I am working through this ... I am just trying to see how relatives may be at disadvantage when trying to get their children out of fostercare. . If I as an adoptive parent (nonrelative) can't even meet the child for almost two months after being approved. If this was my relative, I would be extremely frustrated. Its not like it would be a failed placement. It would mean more to me to have my relative in my home as soon as possible. Please understand and not flame me.

I live in the same State as the foster mother.

I will have the child in my home because the plan is adoption and the foster mother doesn't want to adopt the child. It is just a matter of time.

Thanks again for the conversation.

I value all of your points of views. Thanks!

[vernellinnj]

It can't possibly be, solely, the fostermom not wanting a visit in her home that's held this up for 2 months. If that's the sole reason for not meeting the child I think and reasonable therapist or CW would recommend an alternate location.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

It can't possibly be, solely, the fostermom not wanting a visit in her home that's held this up for 2 months. If that's the sole reason for not meeting the child I think and reasonable therapist or CW would recommend an alternate location.

True! That happened to us in the beginning. We were supposed to setup a visit but nobody could coordinate it and the SW required it to be "supervised" and nobody was able to supervise it. That's when we called the CASA worker and she offered to drive with us to see Alexis and take her to the park (which was 1 hr drive away too)...if she hadn't done that for us I'm sure we couldn't have seen her. DCF required all supervised visits until their decision for placement with us which didn't happen for months later.

[sunsetsky]

The sole reason why I haven't meet this child or spoke to the foster mother is ... She does not know me and didn't feel comfortable with people she doesn't know in her home or talking on the phone. The social worker didn't want to make alternative arrangement because she strongly supports the transition starting in the child's home.

I asked could we meet in the park, daycare or my home. That was turned down because of the social worker's strong belief of success of this type of transitioning. She feels its in the best interest of the child. I didn't press because if my suggestion didn't work out well and the child freaks out it may take even longer for him to move in with me. I won't have anyone to blame but myself. ( Patience) She agreed to one visit next week. I'll try my best to make her comfortable with me. I am a mother, teacher and a Christian. I hope that makes her feel at ease around me. I could make this up if I wanted to lol

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by hkolln

True! That happened to us in the beginning. We were supposed to setup a visit but nobody could coordinate it and the SW required it to be "supervised" and nobody was able to supervise it. That's when we called the CASA worker and she offered to drive with us to see Alexis and take her to the park (which was 1 hr drive away too)...if she hadn't done that for us I'm sure we couldn't have seen her. DCF required all supervised visits until their decision for placement with us which didn't happen for months later.

I hear that. SW told us later that due to the many homestudies he did on the SISTER that "failed" he was leery of letting us have contact of any kind. Once the homestudy was done, we could be alone with lil guy and even take him in the car back to his daycare--coincidentally very convenient for sw.

It was all good, because we went on a field trip with lil guy and did some good bonding and had grandma with us--lil guy loves my MIL--she has always represented safety, love, security (and some good food!) to him.

Interesting also, as several daycare workers were very excited about him moving to be with us, and a supervisor pulled us aside and expressed concerns about how rigid and harsh the discipline was in the fparents' home, and could we take him home sooner? That was another factor for us to definitely move forward and not accept "no" as an answer to placement with us.

Once we knew the foster parents names (we could have asked lil guy that day) all we had to do was use pipl.com and found the address, phone number, their employers--anything we wanted to know. Trying to keep fparent info private nowadays is just not possible--another reason the foster care system has to step into the 21st century, perhaps with automatic restraining orders that prohibit any contact between bio and foster, unless permission is given by BOTH foster parents and social services.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

Only if they had an approved homestudy. I know of a foster parent that allowed a relative to visit in their home. The cw was there too. They have a wonderful relationship to this day.

I have to agree with you there - while I don't think I would EVER be comfortable having to allow the bio parent into my home, I'd say a pre-adoptive placement with a completed homestudy sounds pretty safe! Screened to the same standards as myself, anyway. And I agree it probably IS the best and most positive transition for the child. I'd suspect she's stalling for other reasons, to be honest.

[sunsetsky]

Robin - privacy is not what used to be with the internet. I try to be very careful because sometimes I wonder if Sonny's parents know me. Lucky for me, they want him with me if they can't have him.
I just want adoptive/ foster parents (relatives) to know that I respect what you do. I didn't know that this system was so complex and difficult at times.

[sunsetsky]

My family said maybe she is stalling.... She doesn't want to adopt him. He's been up for adoptive since Fall 2007.

So, I am told. This thread gives me reason to doubt some of what DSS tells all parties.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I thank everyone who has shared on this site—I realize that most foster parents are the caring, altruistic people I imagined and I felt so much healing. I look forward to hearing from folks with reunification stories or with thoughts on reunification.

I am bumping this up as it's a good place to discuss reunification--we got into this topic on the foster parent support board.

I hope to hear from MPJJJ soon--