[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

To me advocate means continuing to write and petition a judge to make permanency possible for a child who has been in care for years, it means asking the judge to have a sense of urgency in bringing a case to resolution, it means asking a judge to follow the recommendation of social services, independent psychologists and law guardians. Social Services can recommend all it wants but ultimately a judge has to make a decision. Also, I know of numerous situations where social services is far from knowledgeable on everything that's in the best interest of the child.

It takes numerous resources including, caseworkers, Law Guardians, psychologists, bioparents, foster parents, therapists, etc. Often times the Law Guardian and the state can differ on "what's in the child's best interest". The children have independent legal reresentation for a reason. The "plan" isn't always in the best interest of the child...not just from a FP POV but from the POV of others as well. JMHO

This I can agree with 100%! thank you for your passionate, articulate reply!!

[henderfive]

Wow! I didn't read every page but what a strong group of emotions from all sides. I have to say everyone sounds like they are really speaking from the heart and when a heart is being broken it can seem so unfair ecspecially when your on the losing side. With that said I have a question to ask and this seems to be the perfect place to ask it. I had my little Angel from birth until he was 2. The last few months of the case mom read in a report that we would love to adopt him and thought he would have a great life with us. After that she kept telling the CW that we were trying to steel her baby! She also said that about grandma (her mother-in-law) She would tell grandma that when she got the children back grandma would never see her grandson again. (2 boys different fathers) On Jan. 11th see got her boys back and was very rude at the court house. I am not a fosterparent I am a non-blood relative the only one that came forward to take the baby in. I have not contacted bmom since that day. I have sent clothes for Angel but got no thank you for them. Grandma sends me pictures when she can (court ordered one day a week visit with granma) but moms still says I betrayed her and doesn't know if or when we can see Angel. It has now been 8mo. and I thought well maybe If I call bmom she will let us have a visit. My DH and I miss him sooooo much. Do you think I should call her and see what she says? letting her know we are here for him and anything she needs we will help her but we would also like to see him. I'm scared she will say not to contact her anymore and that would just crush us. I don't know what to do, can anyone please give me some suggestions? Thank you
Henderfive

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by henderfive

Wow! I didn't read every page but what a strong group of emotions from all sides. I have to say everyone sounds like they are really speaking from the heart and when a heart is being broken it can seem so unfair ecspecially when your on the losing side. With that said I have a question to ask and this seems to be the perfect place to ask it. I had my little Angel from birth until he was 2. The last few months of the case mom read in a report that we would love to adopt him and thought he would have a great life with us. After that she kept telling the CW that we were trying to steel her baby! She also said that about grandma (her mother-in-law) She would tell grandma that when she got the children back grandma would never see her grandson again. (2 boys different fathers) On Jan. 11th see got her boys back and was very rude at the court house. I am not a fosterparent I am a non-blood relative the only one that came forward to take the baby in. I have not contacted bmom since that day. I have sent clothes for Angel but got no thank you for them. Grandma sends me pictures when she can (court ordered one day a week visit with granma) but moms still says I betrayed her and doesn't know if or when we can see Angel. It has now been 8mo. and I thought well maybe If I call bmom she will let us have a visit. My DH and I miss him sooooo much. Do you think I should call her and see what she says? letting her know we are here for him and anything she needs we will help her but we would also like to see him. I'm scared she will say not to contact her anymore and that would just crush us. I don't know what to do, can anyone please give me some suggestions? Thank you
Henderfive

What a heartbreak for you. All you did was offer your love and your home to a young relative. I am so sorry the bmother did not see that.

Why don't you go ahead and offer to take them to lunch or something? Sadly, giving bmom something may make her more likely to say yes to meeting with you.

I hope she comes to realize that you love this little one, and want only the best for him.

[MassachusettsMom]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

To me advocate means continuing to write and petition a judge to make permanency possible for a child who has been in care for years, it means asking the judge to have a sense of urgency in bringing a case to resolution, it means asking a judge to follow the recommendation of social services, independent psychologists and law guardians. Social Services can recommend all it wants but ultimately a judge has to make a decision.

AMEN TO THAT!!

Social services can create and monitor a case plan, make recommendations, communicate or fail to communicate with key people and have any number of goals or plans. But ultimately a child's future lies in the hands of a judge who is following state and federal laws and legal precedent that, in many cases, do not place the child's best interest at the forefront.

Children can have workers, pediatricians, therapists, GALs, attorneys and any number of auxiliaries, but if those parties are not contacted or not permitted to speak about what is in the best interest of the child or do not do their job in a professional manner... then the judge has even less to go on in making a decision about a child's future.

And as for the judicial system dragging a case on for months and years while a child waits for his "forever home"... I think there's a special place in hell for people who allow that to happen.

[henderfive]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

What a heartbreak for you. All you did was offer your love and your home to a young relative. I am so sorry the bmother did not see that.

Why don't you go ahead and offer to take them to lunch or something? Sadly, giving bmom something may make her more likely to say yes to meeting with you.

I hope she comes to realize that you love this little one, and want only the best for him.

Well RobinKay I took your advice and I called her today. She was very pleasant and said she was glad that I called. She is really into church now and wanted me to know that she was praying for DH and I and was sorry for all the heartbreak that we went thru. I didn't ask if we could see Lil Angel but that we were here for her if she needs anything for him. I asked if we could possibly send him a x-mas gift when it gets closer to the holidays (didn't want to push it) and she said to call her again and we could talk about maybe arranging something. So hopefully we could have a visit sometime in Dec. I really hope we clould be a distant uncle and Aunt or something like that. I dont' want to get my hopes up to much but I feel sooooo much better.
Thanks
Henderfive

[sunsetsky]

Sometimes, I wonder how the system works. I have not met my preadoptive child. His little brother has been in my home for three weeks now. I met him over eight weeks ago. I will not meet his brother until late next week. The cw worker says they cannot make the foster parent let me in her home. I think this the strangest thing. It is because she wasn't comfortable letting me in her home or talking to me on the phone. Where is the best interest of the child? Everyone is frustrated with her but at the end of the day she is the one in control of this child. Again, this is not ru case plan but it seems like I can see how family members are shut out of their relatives lives. I thought if a family member wanted to go to a foster home, it would be part of being a foster parent. Now, I know different. How often does this happen? I have been tested by this situation. I almost felt like giving up.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

Now, I know different. How often does this happen? I have been tested by this situation. I almost felt like giving up.

It happens more then I think everyone realizes. I thought it was only me when we went thru it as a relative..however after coming to these boards I know i'm not alone. Don't give up just yet. I'm sure it will all work out in the end. The SW can work out arranged visits if you need to at their office. Have you asked for them to facilitate this? And what is this foster mom being told about you? Is she aware that the decision was made to place in your home?

I feel everything happens for a reason. We had a ton of setbacks on moving our niece here to our home...and alot of it was because of the previous FP's fight but we never gave up. I'm sure it will all work out in the end...hang in there!

[sunsetsky]

She knows that I am the pre-adoptive mother for one of her foster children. The other children will be RUed with relatives (different father). She knows I am a fost/adopt mother because it is legal risk. I was told she is very private and rigid person. I sent welcome picture book of my home and family. The office very very happy for these two little boys.So, I am sure they tried to reassure are that I am a okay person. We will meet in her home atleast once. I was told that visits is up in the air until this first visit takes place. I hope I make a good impression on the foster mother. What pressure! lol Why did I think adoption was easy.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by henderfive

Well RobinKay I took your advice and I called her today. She was very pleasant and said she was glad that I called. She is really into church now and wanted me to know that she was praying for DH and I and was sorry for all the heartbreak that we went thru. I didn't ask if we could see Lil Angel but that we were here for her if she needs anything for him. I asked if we could possibly send him a x-mas gift when it gets closer to the holidays (didn't want to push it) and she said to call her again and we could talk about maybe arranging something. So hopefully we could have a visit sometime in Dec. I really hope we clould be a distant uncle and Aunt or something like that. I dont' want to get my hopes up to much but I feel sooooo much better.
Thanks
Henderfive

That's very, very encouraging!!! I suggest (I am so bossy-sorry! ) your gift be a toy or something that bmom can do with the little one--that will send a clear message that you are all about their relationship, that you respect her as the mother.

You can read about my experiences with my lil guy's foster family in the first few posts--I wish it had been different, and I wish my kind of experience wasn't so common. RU with family isn't always the best solution, that is certainly true. When it can happen, I'd like the foster parents to support and help. They can be the key to a successful transition.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

Sometimes, I wonder how the system works. I have not met my preadoptive child. His little brother has been in my home for three weeks now. I met him over eight weeks ago. I will not meet his brother until late next week. The cw worker says they cannot make the foster parent let me in her home. I think this the strangest thing. It is because she wasn't comfortable letting me in her home or talking to me on the phone. Where is the best interest of the child? Everyone is frustrated with her but at the end of the day she is the one in control of this child. Again, this is not ru case plan but it seems like I can see how family members are shut out of their relatives lives. I thought if a family member wanted to go to a foster home, it would be part of being a foster parent. Now, I know different. How often does this happen? I have been tested by this situation. I almost felt like giving up.

I agree that the foster mom should be supportive of the pre-adoptive parents but I can't say that I'd want the visit in my home either. I'd be happy to bring the child to your home or a neutral place. I'm a lil weird about people in my home (think it comes with being single).

And of course...no one (inc SWs) can MAKE someone allow people in their home.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

I agree that the foster mom should be supportive of the pre-adoptive parents but I can't say that I'd want the visit in my home either. I'd be happy to bring the child to your home or a neutral place. I'm a lil weird about people in my home (think it comes with being single).

And of course...no one (inc SWs) can MAKE someone allow people in their home.

Allowing people into your home is not what I mean by support. I mean talking kindly about the expected transition to the child, maybe allowing phone calls, being willing to transport child to that neutral place for the visit or pickup.

You are wise to guard your privacy, just in case---

[sunsetsky]

The cw worker says that the child needs to see me in his home. It tells the child I am a safe person. I suggested my home. This is based on the research, I guess. The worker stressed that it very important for the child. I think if allowing preadoptive parents in the foster parent's home is standard practice, then the foster should be made aware of this at MAPP training. That way the social worker/foster parents are fully aware when it comes time to transition the child out of the home. We have wasted time trying to figure this out. Also, why did I have to wait until the foster parent warmed up to the idea. I suggested I go meet Bubba at his daycare. No such luck! The cw wants him to see me as his new mother while in the presence of his foster mother. The cw wants the foster parent to tell Bubba that I will be his new mother in her home. This held up the visit for several weeks now. I am okay because adoption should have some bumps. I think they are meant to be my boys. It also gave me time with Big Baby. He did grieve after the last visit at my home. I think he wondered why she left without him. It didn't hit until bed time. He usually went down with a problem. He is almost back to his bright happy self. He still has trouble waking up in the room with my 1yo. He is used to being in his "mother's room." I didn't put him in my room because I would have to move him in a few weeks when he turns 1yo. (DSS rules)

[sunsetsky]

Would you feel this way about a pre-adoptive placement? I think both people should welcome the other in each other homes or neither in each other home. If they had an approved homestudy, I would be fine with it.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

The cw worker says that the child needs to see me in his home. It tells the child I am a safe person. I suggested my home. This is based on the research, I guess. The worker stressed that it very important for the child. I think if allowing preadoptive parents in the foster parent's home is standard practice, then the foster should be made aware of this at MAPP training.

I've never heard this - it certainly was not covered in my training. And, I don't know any FPs who've had bios in their home (though I'm sure it happens). If that were explained to me - that it is for the emotional well being of the child and aids in the bonding w/ the pre-adoptive parents, I would agree.

But.....based on what I know of the biofamily in my "FC's" case, I don't think I'd feel safe with them in my home. As with all situations, each case is different. Good luck.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by sunsetsky

Would you feel this way about a pre-adoptive placement? I think both people should welcome the other in each other homes or neither in each other home. If they had an approved homestudy, I would be fine with it.

Wow, that sounds nice. I sharply criticized the foster parents for not letting us pick up our ds at their home in posts and to their agency in a phone call. We had to meet in a strip mall parking lot to "transfer" him back and forth--once at a McDonalds. That, and their attitude-gave him a clear message they did not like or trust us. I had not been told that it would help him to see us interact in a friendly manner, but I think I had good instincts--now, I feel my instincts were validated after reading these posts.

After ds was placed with us, we wanted to take them to dinner the evening we picked him up (at his daycare, wouldn't you have taken off work to say goodbye to your fchild you'd had for a year?). Anyway, the answer was no, because their emotions were "too raw, it was too soon." I wish I had made it clear the invitation was about ds, not about the "pleasure" of their company. It would have helped him to see us all together, having a meal and friendly conversation. We could have made plans about being in touch-instead, everything was hit/miss and turned out to be unsuccessful.

I thank God daily that it did not result in long-term emotional problems. The therapist did a wonderful job, and she had our ds's complete trust. That made all the difference--she kept talking positively about us, and treated us in a very friendly, open manner in front of ds.

I completely understand that some foster parents are in actual danger from some of their fchildren's parents/families. I would always want to err on the side of caution--foster parents give so much, I would be horrified to find out a foster family was later stalked or terrorized in some manner by a biofamily member.