[MissS]

I'm looking for opinions, so throw them all at me. We are going to adopt our 14 month old FD in the coming months. She has been with us since birth, and we have used her given name the entire time. It's not a name I detest, but birthmom named her after her "supposed" father, and he denies paternity. It's not a legacy I want her to grow up with, but I also don't want to take away her connection to her birthparents.
Should we change her name entirely? It really doesn't work as a middle name.....

Thanks in advance,
MissS

[graciej]

We are planning to change our FD's name when we adopt her, hopefully in the next 4-6 months. She's 18 months old and we've had her since 5 months. I do not like her real name at all. We call her a shortened version of her real name and it sounds very similar to the name we plan to change it to. I think she will adjust just fine.

There are two little girls in the school where I work who were just adopted last month by their foster parents. Since we're in a small community, I know the foster parents as well. They changed both the girls' names. They discussed it with the girls and even let them help pick their new names. They seem to have adapted well. I also spoke to another foster mom who has adopted three kids. She said all three were the first to point out the error to someone if they accidentally used their "old" name.

My brother-in-law was adopted by his stepfather at the age of 11. He and his two siblings all opted to change their first names as well at the same time. He said it was harder for the adults to adjust to than it was for him and his friends.

Just some food for thought. I've heard arguments on both sides of the issue.

Congratulations on your adoption! We are so anxious for ours to proceed!

[RobinKay]

Congratulations! We changed our nephew's last name to ours when he became our son, and kept the first name. He was OK with it-he asked to have the same name.

Your dd is 14 months old-I think she'll be fine with a new name. You are her loving parents--I think this is one more loving thing you are doing for her, not taking anything away.

I wish you all happiness as you take the final step to become a forever family.

[Withay]

I will be adopting my fs whom I've had since birth (he is almost 1-1/2 yrs). I will add 2 names to the beginning of his name, keep his first and middle names his mother gave him and change his last name to mine.

The easiest way that I have found to change a small child to their new name is to use the 'old' first name and the 'new' first name together for awhile. Slowly drop the 'old' first name.

[athikers]

Though I completely understand the desire to name your adopted children, I am choosing not to change my daughter's first name. I have two reasons. One, I like it and after a year of using it, I'm used to it and it suits her. Two, it is one of a very few things she will have that her birth parents gave her. Since her adoption will be open, it would also be quite "weird" to change it. We are changing her middle and last name to family names.

[munketoes]

Our son is 5 and we hopefully will finalize in July. We went to the lawyer's office planning to change only his last name. We wanted him to be able to keep,what we thought, was his identity. While we were talking to our lawyer, she asked us about changing his name, we told her only the last name. He immediately piped up and let everyone know that wasn't his name. He chose his own name that day.

[Prof_Snape]

Perhaps change her first name and keep her original first name as a middle name?

[kxl164]

I would keep at least a part of her birthname in her new name. I know you said the first name doesn't "work" as a middle name, but I think I would keep it either as a middle name or a second middle name as a way of preserving a link to her first identity. Or at the very least find another name that is has the same root or part of the name she has now and use that as either her new name or middle name.

We kept our older foster son's birth first name, added a family name, and a new middle name that we chose in additon to our last name.

For our younger foster son we gave him the formal version of her his birthname (which we still use as a nickname), a new middle name of our choice, added a family name in addition to our last name.

Both of our boys had no trouble adapting because in reality there was nothing for them to adapt to, the common names used for them never changed. They both identified with their names so we just were not comfortable with changing them.

I think she will adjust to whatever you choose, and as long as you are prepared now to answer her questions about why you chose to change her names in the future I think you will be fine and so will she. For us it would have to be a significant reason to change a name, one in the best interests of the child and family.

Good Luck!

[MomwithFive]

Our daughter was older when adopted and she chose her name change a year before the adoption. We hadn't even discussed changing names. She wanted my middle name as hers, our last name and liked the more common spelling of her first name. So, we just followed her lead.
I think a toddler would be fine with a name change, maybe try something that is similar?

[vernellinnj]

If I'm blessed to adopt I will keep the first name and add a middle and change the last name. After 2 years calling him his current name I would feel silly calling him something else.

[sethsmommy]

Is it against rules or bad form to start the name change before adoption? We are waiting on mom's rights which is near 100% sure of happening.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by sethsmommy

Is it against rules or bad form to start the name change before adoption? We are waiting on mom's rights which is near 100% sure of happening.

I'm in Maryland and foster/adopt parents cannot call a child by a new name until after TPR. It can interfere with the child's case. My cw said the judge & parent's lawyer may view it as the foster parent interfering with reunification and trying to "adopt" a child who isn't legally free. Therefore, it's not allowed.

[mommy2fiveplus]

Our three year old had delays and was just starting to identify himself with his given name when we adopted him so changing that one was not in his best interest (he did get a new middle name and last name).

Our second adoption was a baby we got at 2 days old. I did not like his given name and called him baby boy for a while and occasionally his given name. His bparents were TPR'd at age 2 mos and we been calling him the name we chose every since.

I have friends that have changed the first names and given the old ones as middle names (even when it doesn't sound right) and others that have let the kids choose. Obviosly at 14 mos that is not an option, but I think she would adapt to anything you gave her. She will someday ask about her given name and you will still have to explain so don't think you are getting out of that aspect.

Adopting is like claiming and I have heard of people say that naming is one way they "claim" thier new kids, I kinda like that mentality, even if the only new name they get is thier last name.

[sethsmommy]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

I'm in Maryland and foster/adopt parents cannot call a child by a new name until after TPR. It can interfere with the child's case. My cw said the judge & parent's lawyer may view it as the foster parent interfering with reunification and trying to "adopt" a child who isn't legally free. Therefore, it's not allowed.

I would agree with that! Thanks so much---he is not our child yet--he is still hers so I have no right to change that.