[MassachusettsMom]

Hi - just looking for some advice/support. We are pre-adoptive foster parents for a 15-month-old who has been with us for 5 months and in foster care since he was 6 weeks old. He was moved from a foster home to our home as a legal-risk placement, but with the understanding that the TPR trial was to take place within a month. Well... bet you can guess what happened. One postponement, than another, and now we've been told the judge is likely to give the bparents another six months, then they can appeal (we've been told 12-18 months for that).

At the advice of our social worker, we went to a grief counselor who strongly recommended we cut our losses and move on to other options (domestic infant, revisiting infertility treatment, etc.) We're not ready to throw our son back into the foster care system, but we're struggling with how long we can live our lives in this limbo.

Those of you who waited years to adopt your foster kids, or lost them after years of hoping... how do you deal with the week-to-week stress of the limbo?

Any advice???

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

Those of you who waited years to adopt your foster kids, or lost them after years of hoping... how do you deal with the week-to-week stress of the limbo?

Any advice???

I try to remember that it's about the kids.
I'm giving them a good & happy life, a headstart, even if I don't get to keep them. If you want the baby moved to another home, I'm sure the new adoptive parents will be glad to have him and adopt him. I have a 14 month old. "Brandon" arrived in August. I love him to pieces. It's a great age. Foster/adopt is a rollercoaster ride. The ups are great, the downs make me sick but I can't jump off in the middle of the ride. For "Brandon's" sake, I'm in it to the finish.

[One_Happy_Momma]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

Hi - just looking for some advice/support. We are pre-adoptive foster parents for a 15-month-old who has been with us for 5 months and in foster care since he was 6 weeks old. He was moved from a foster home to our home as a legal-risk placement, but with the understanding that the TPR trial was to take place within a month. Well... bet you can guess what happened. One postponement, than another, and now we've been told the judge is likely to give the bparents another six months, then they can appeal (we've been told 12-18 months for that).

Who told you 12-18 months?

DD1 TPR on 10/12/07, adoptive placement was on 12/12/07 and her adoption finalized on 03/09/07- so less than 5 months after TPR

DD2 TPR on 08/28/07, adoptive placement on 11/01/07, and her adoption was finalized on 01/04/08- so just a few days after 4 months after TPR.

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

At the advice of our social worker, we went to a grief counselor who strongly recommended we cut our losses and move on to other options (domestic infant, revisiting infertility treatment, etc.) We're not ready to throw our son back into the foster care system, but we're struggling with how long we can live our lives in this limbo.

Yeah, this was really hard for me as well, every hearing and CW's visit was a reminder that my daughters could be returned to their bio-family at any time.

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

Those of you who waited years to adopt your foster kids, or lost them after years of hoping... how do you deal with the week-to-week stress of the limbo?

I cried myself to sleep so many times!

But my daughters were worth every pump on this rocky road of adoption!

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

Any advice???

[msgypsylee]

I was lucky in that I was only in limbo for about 10 months. It was rough though. I love him so much. I just really took it day to day to day. My goal was to make sure that he had a good day every day. I wanted him to have as good of a life as I could provide whether it was temporary or not. I was bonded to this kid from the start. I don't think the grief would have been any less had I willingly given him up early to possibly later avoid heartache.

As with any fost/adopt case, they can turn on a dime. The caseworkers do not always know the judge will rule. They can give good educated guesses sometimes but it really is in the judges hands.

Good luck to you.

[One_Happy_Momma]

Originally Posted by msgypsylee

As with any fost/adopt case, they can turn on a dime. The caseworkers do not always know the judge will rule. They can give good educated guesses sometimes but it really is in the judges hands.

Good luck to you.

You're so right on this! I had a foster daughter that was returned to her bio-family right there in court. It was just one of those 6-month progress hearing and she was gone- just like that!

[vernellinnj]

Well, if it helps, I know how you feel. My child has been with me 22 months - yep, just short of 2 years and we haven't even had a change of case plan from concurrent to adoption. State is pursuing change of plan but judge hasn't allowed it up to this point. My child is young and I am his psychological mom. State, law guardian, caseworkers, psychiatrist (via bonding eval) all say adoption is best but here we sit....

I stay sane through my faith and my knowledge that God is in control and ultimately the ruler of all things. I keep loving my child to the best of my ability and teach him to pray. Also occassionally tell him that a nice man will decide if he lives with me or his other mommy (his name for bio) and that we both love him very much. Breaks my heart but I do it because it's the right thing to do.

I will say this, I can't do this again (at least I say that now....we'll see what God "puts on my heart")

Best wishes - PM me if you like.

[Mommytinkerbell]

Hi, I know it is hard. But you can do it. You really can. I tried hard to stay busy with anything! But sometimes you can't help but think about it all and stew over it and become upset.

Don't do like my dh and I did and gain weight because of nerves, etc. It was really hard on us but we've now been through two successful cases where we adopted, got my son and then later my daughter each straight from the hospital, one was foster legal risk, one just foster, son's was the one we got our own lawyer and intervened and finally did win the case (after over $8k spent then the parents said they are glad we won because they know they couldn't have taken care of him! Then why fight us!!! Their attorneys didn't cost them a thing. It's so frustrating.) But didn't sign until 2.5 years after he was born, daughter, signed over a year after she was born.

It's just a very surreal existance, knowing they could be taken. I know how hard it is. I'm praying for you to have the strength to get through it. It's worth every minute, esp. once it is over with and you get to sign the papers!!!!

Take care of yourself,

Hugs, Selina

[jbee]

we were in limbo for about 6, 7 months...after tpr and the 30 day wait for the appeal it was about a month till we got our son adopted.
i can just say love him like he will be with you...he deserves all the love and treatment he would get in his forever home. i tried not to 'discount' my love because he might have left...everything same old, same old.
i really hope everything works out for you! thank goodness we've never gone through losing one we wanted to keep yet.

[Hadley2]

Wow. I am angry down to my toes that any professional therapist would step so far outside the scope of practice in which they can ethically operate to even begin to suggest an actual course of action either way, but especially to "recommend" something as drastic and devastating as the letting go of a child is completely and utterly unfounded and unethical IMO.

This so-called counselor has no professional qualification in and probably little to no personal knowledge of the fostering and state adoption system. It is unbelievable that you went for help to process whatever grief and loss you have already suffered and were victimized by this person simply setting you up for more! I think it's despicable.

I would definitely ignore anything and everything this person said and did and complain to whoever runs the practice this person works out of. Then I'd start over, fresh, to think about the issue you brought here.

A few thoughts:

- Having been on these boards for awhile, more often than not, time seems to be overwhelmingly on the side of TPR and adoption.

- Both federal and Mass law require the state agency to file a petition for TPR after the child has been in care and custody for 15 months (clock starts after adjudication, or, in the case of a delayed adjudication, a certain number of days from removal). The judge can say no, but the agency is required to file with the court.

- If the child hasn't been returned in over 15 months, odds are, again it seems to me much more likely than not, that RU won't be in the final cards. It could very well be that the court is giving the parents six more months to simply strengthen the eventual TPR case.

- In theory at least, the 15/22 rule in both federal and state law shifts the presumption of the child's best interest from RU to TPR and adoption at the 15-month mark.

Added to that, length of time away from the parents and with you can be used by a good GAL attorney as a best-interest argument against RU.

- I don't think Mass appeals are de novo--the parents don't get to re-argue or re-do the TPR trial. The appeals court must find that the lower court made some legal error, not just that one judge disagrees with the conclusion of the other. If the lower court is going the extra mile to give the parents extra chances, that should reduce the already slim chances of a successful appeal.

- If the child doesn't have one, see if you can do anything about getting him a GAL attorney (not just CASA/GAL, but an actual attorney).

- My impression of Mass DSS after dealing with them six and three years ago is that quality of practice and SOP can vary greatly between regions. Whereas one area was fabulous in setting up interagency/family meetings and really thinking every step through, the other actually lost a teen for a few weeks! The same agency removed/returned/removed/returned/removed etc., that teen and another child from the same home six times in two months, different workers apparently not checking the family history. So, keep an eye on them and attend court hearings to be sure that what they are telling the judge is accurate (not whether you agree or disagree with some interpretations or conclusions, but actual facts, as in how long the child has been in your care, etc.; cases don't always get the same judges hearing to hearing and sometimes even the same judge loses track of any one case).

- Only you can decide if you want this child to be your son. I think if you answer that question, it answers the other questions for you.

Our fd/niece has been in C&C for over three years now. TPR was a year ago. Appeals finished last fall. There were many, many, many snags and moments of frustration and despair along the way. The system can work quickly, it can work slowly.

I wish the best for the little boy and you.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

Wow. I am angry down to my toes that any professional therapist would step so far outside the scope of practice in which they can ethically operate to even begin to suggest an actual course of action either way, but especially to "recommend" something as drastic and devastating as the letting go of a child is completely and utterly unfounded and unethical IMO..

Since we don't know exactly what the OP told the cw that caused her to recommend counseling, and we don't know exactly what the OP told the grief counselor that made her "strongly recommend" that she stop fostering, how can anyone assume that the grief counselor was out of line or unethical? Obviously the OP was upset enough that the CW recommended professional help. And the "professional", after hearing the OP's concerns and worries, recommended against proceeding with the foster/adopt. Which makes me think that the OP's mental health is at stake. If foster/adopt is affecting her life to the point that professionals are telling her to stop, maybe it IS best for the child to be moved. Foster/adopt isn't for everyone. What if he goes to reunion? Will she have a breakdown? You don't know what the OP told her counselor. Like I said, foster/adopt isn't for everyone. If professionals think she's not coping well, then maybe she's not.

[vernellinnj]

Like I said, foster/adopt isn't for everyone.

Understatement, to say the least!

[MassachusettsMom]

Thank you guys so much for your support and feedback.

In response to your questions: our social worker recommended we find a grief therapist who could support us if we lost our foster son--and urged us to line up someone now, rather than wait until it happened. Which I thought made good sense. I was rather shocked that the therapist encouraged us to "give up" on our son, particularly since he's supposed to have experience working with foster kids. I did give him some push-back about kids and attachment (that it's not good to move kids more than absolutely necessary) and his response was that our son would "forget about us in a month" and that we needed to concentrate on our needs. Those two statements left me with a bad enough taste about the therapist that I doubt we'll go back to him.

I guess we need to do a bit more therapist-shopping. Ugh.

[MassachusettsMom]

Hadley2: thanks for your thoughts on DSS and timelines. The DSS workers, DSS attorney and our social worker keep telling us that time is in our favor--but it's hard to know who to believe. Our foster son does have a court-appointed attorney-- is that the same as a GAL attorney?

[hkolln]

Why would you want to move a child just because of your fear of losing that child? Don't the kids deserve better then that?

Sorry, I'm having a bad day! Love the kids unconditionally, don't throw them away because it's hard for you. You are their strength and stability and isn't fostering all about the KIDS and not us adults?!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

I did give him some push-back about kids and attachment (that it's not good to move kids more than absolutely necessary) and his response was that our son would "forget about us in a month" and that we needed to concentrate on our needs. .

I had a sibling group of two little girls (20 months & 4 at placement). They may not have remembered every single move over the years but it affected them immensely. Both girls had attachment issue-but the older girl was very troubled. The damage is done-regardless of whether or not the child can remember it with vivid detail.

I take back what I said about listening to your counselor. It sounds like you need to find someone new.