[crzydayz]

advice, anyone? we have 2 foster children, parents rights are being terminated and we are going to adopt....I was told it would be a good idea to change their names since we live in a small community....has anyone done this, and could help me with how to teach a almost 3 year old who knows his name a new one? oh and the other child is 19 months, so i am not as concerned. I will take any ideas you have!!!

[fostermomintx]

I changed my son's name after I adopted him but it was a little easier...his bfamily was calling him J.J. and I started calling him Johnny (which is his real first name). If I end up adopting my 2 fkids I'll be changing their names as well because of family connections that will be detrimental especially to my fs when he grows up. I thought I would just call him by his first name that he has now and follow it with another name (like a middle name)...for example, if his name was John and I wanted to change it to James, I'd just start calling him John James and eventually drop the John part. If that makes sense...

My son was not quite 3 years old when I started calling him Johnny and he doesn't seem to remember the J.J. part now that he's 5.

[TxMom65]

My daughter was 8 when we adopted her and we changed her middle name. It was an odd spelling of a common name and she didn't like it plus she wanted to have a family name of mine for a middle name.

Most of the time I call her a nickname that is just something I call her. It's part of her first name and part of her middle. Confusing enough?

[momofbgtwins]

I would do exactly what fostermomintx wrote. Put the name you want the child to be called when you adopt him for example his name is Peter and you want it to be Adam I would call him Peter Adam and then eventually drop the first name (peter).
Oh and do the same for the 19 month old. I have 20 month old twins and they know what their name is.

[graciej]

Some of you said you changed names because of living in a small area. We have a 15-month-old we've had since 5 months and we'd like to change her name when we hopefully adopt her soon, but CYS had to, by law, give her birthmother our name and address, so she and a bunch of her family members already know where we live. Is this true in all states? How have any of you dealt with birth families knowing where their children are?

Sorry -- didn't mean to change the topic.

[TxMom65]

None of them know where my daughter is now.

[momofbgtwins]

Here in N. California they do not give out that information to the bio parents.

[mrsred]

birth parents are not given our name or where we live... dshs doesn't even tell them what town we are in. Of course, since little dd still has visits with b mom, and she is VERY bright and VERY verbal, I so sometimes worry that she would just tell b mom not only where we live, but our complete names. Visits are supervised, so I am sure they would try not to let that happen... but if she just blurted it out, what could they do?

[vernellinnj]

In NJ, parents are not given info on FPs.

[Mkuhlmann06]

In PA, when its a foster situation, the bioparents are given our name/address, unless the court issues a special order not to. It's the law here that bios receive the information. When its a straight adoption situation, they don't have to, because obviously the parents rights have been terminated.

Even though they know your name and address, I'd still change the child's name and SS#.

[graciej]

Originally Posted by Mkuhlmann06

In PA, when its a foster situation, the bioparents are given our name/address, unless the court issues a special order not to. It's the law here that bios receive the information. When its a straight adoption situation, they don't have to, because obviously the parents rights have been terminated.

Even though they know your name and address, I'd still change the child's name and SS#.

Would you still change the child's name? We're so undecided. They will always know where we live. Bmom has never attempted to come here, but bdad is in prison and I always worry a bit that he might try when he gets out.

So, regardless of name change, they will know where we live. But we live in a small town where the kids often get pics in the paper for Scouts, sporting events, school events, etc. and I thought at least if her name was changed they might not be able to pick her out in the paper and out and about, which would worry me.

We just heard from the caseworker that the goal will probably be changed to adoption in April. The 15 month time frame required for termination isn't up until July, but her next regular review after that isn't until October, so we may not legally have her until well after her second birthday, maybe halfway to her third. I don't know if it would be confusing for her (and for my older daughter, who is 3) to change her name after that length of time?

Thanks for any thoughts.

[athikers]

I always thought I might change my kiddo's name... but now I think their names suit them. I too live in a small community and their parents all know where we live, our names, etc. I don't think it was avoidable. I'm not scared for my kids or our safety... though I do sometimes wish we could have remained more anonymous.

I also try to remember that someday I will have to answer to my adopted kids for the choices I make for them now. I don't want them to feel like we "took" something that is theirs.

[Kansas Girl]

Adopting a child at birth from day one might be different, but I would never think about changing their name if they had already been named. [even adopting at day one I'd still want to let the birthparent have some input] If a picture is in the paper aren't people going to recognize it even if the name is different? Our son has a beautiful first name from his birthparents - no matter how horrible the birthparents are, I think the name is a connection to the child's heritage that needs to be honored -- if a child wants to change it when they are older (over 18) they always can. Our son ended up with the birth name (first name) from his bioparents, a middle name from my family (he had no middle name) and of course the last name from hubby.

Fran

[MomwithFive]

I was lucky in that my daughter chose to change her names and let the dept. know what her name was. She changed her middle and last name before rights were even terminated. She would correct people if they used her prior name. The dept. also let us use her new name at school after rights were terminated (in the classroom) as it's something she really wanted. So, she made it easy for us. She wanted to keep her first name but liked a different (more usual) spelling.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Our son wanted to keep his first name and changed his middle and last. He was a III (3rd). He took his old last name and made it his middle name (its a short 4 letter first name). I truly think it depends on the child's age, safety, situation, etc. My son is 11 and suggested the name change.