[WPTAG_family]

Our SW told us that we were asking to be placed with the wrong age group that we could never get placed. To which then my DH told her that if it ends up just being T and I that is fine. We were doing this to help the community and to give a child a chance at a good life. She then told DH that she isn't trying to "pressure" us. DH told her that was good because we had made a hard decision and decided what would be best for our family. After that, she was kinda "snippy" and said well you know that there are 2 other couples ahead of you. I thought that you would be matched with what you what would be the "best fit" not what number you were. And what difference does that make? If I am number 1 or 50? I am still opening my home to a child that needs one.

She has never said anything is wrong with the house, all our references were great, and I have everything I need for a baby but diapers and formula. Why would she not have said something the first time she was out? Why now is she acting like we are making a HUGE mistake? When she did the interviews for our references, she told them all how lucky our county was that William and I have chosen to do foster adoption. That they don’t get a lot of people that want to take on the “broken” children of our county.

Last night the SW didn't even make it past the couch. She came in said what she needed to, asked like 5 questions, basically told us that we needed to accept older children and rolled out.

I am very frustrated and now am questioning every thing. Am I really asking for too much?

DH and I are still undergoing infertility treatments, and plan on continuing them whether or not we adopt. After all these years of treatments we have always said that if it ended pregnant just once, we would adopt. We are just doing this earlier then what we thought.

Adoption has always been in our future. We are just not privately adopting which I thought was our only option.

DH is wondering if we should even continue. The way the SW acted just really upset him. I say lets just get licensed and see what happens. But the way she was acting, I might as well put my name down for NASA and see if I can become an astronaut first.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by WPTAG_family

Our SW told us that we were asking to be placed with the wrong age group that we could never get placed. .

What county are you in? I'm in Montgomery County. Both times I was licensed to foster/adopt, I asked for a girl between 2 and 5. And both times, they called me about babies. The first time, it was a one month old girl. The second time, it was a 7 month old boy.

Are you only looking for Safe Haven babies? Safe Haven babies are placed very infrequently and they do have a list of families waiting. When a safe haven baby is available, they check the list and see who would accept the child based on their preferences and then match based on that.

If you are looking just to foster/adopt and you want a baby, say less than 1 year, you can do that. You don't have to accept older children. However, MOST babies who are foster/adopt start out as just foster. If you want one where TPR has already happened, then you may have a much longer wait. Most foster parents adopt their foster babies when TPR happens-so there are not many babies who get moved from a foster home to an adoptive home.

ALSO, the sw doing the homestudy ISN'T the one who will be calling you about placements. So don't worry that she will not call you about any infants. Depending on the county, she might even be a temp employee or outsourced from a private agency. It's not up to her to call you with a placement. She just has to approve your homestudy and put your preferences down when you're added to the foster list.

Tell her you really want to do this and you want to be considered ONLY for ____ and younger. Tell her you don't mind waiting or if there are other couples waiting, too. Be nice about it. Don't get snippy or allow her snippy mood to get you upset. You need her to approve your homestudy. Send her an email stating you wish yesterday's meeting had gone smoother and you and your husband really have your heart set on an infant. Ask her if she needs anything else from you to approve the homestudy and thank her for her time and the energy she has put into the homestudy. Tell her a reference contacted you to tell you she enjoyed talking to the SW. Anything you can do to smooth things over.

[WPTAG_family]

We are in Frederick. She just really seems like she dislikes us.

The very first time we met her she told us how there was a sibling group that was available and how we should meet them.

I am not sure that my heart would be able to let go of a child that has shared our life. I just don't know what to do. We would accept any child like 2 and under. Only because really, that is what we are ready for. Does that make any sense?

DH is really spitting fire though and no longer wants to contiune because of the way she was. And I just am heart broken!

Can she deny us because she just doesn't like us?

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by WPTAG_family

I am not sure that my heart would be able to let go of a child that has shared our life.

With foster/adopt, that is a real possibility. My first foster placement was a one month old with a bio mom who had 5 other children- all adopted/with relatives/or in foster care. The baby was drug exposed and mom wasn't interested in getting clean. Dad also had problems and wasn't complying with court orders. However, after several months, a paternal relative came forward to get custody.

With the baby I have now, Mom wasn't doing well until she made a dear friend who has been able to assist her in completing her case plan. With this friend's help, the baby should be reunited within the next few months.

You might have three or four placements before you get to adopt. Or you may be able to adopt the very first baby placed with you. You never know. It's definately a roller coaster ride.

Originally Posted by WPTAG_family

DH is really spitting fire though and no longer wants to contiune because of the way she was. And I just am heart broken!

Can she deny us because she just doesn't like us?

She can't deny you because she doesn't like you-but she can look for reasons to deny. She can make a big deal out of things she might otherwise overlook. I would definately call her to smooth things over. Tell her how you wish things went better. Try to make "nice". Tell her you may consider an older infant or small child depending on the situation but you don't want to commit yourself on paper to older children. Once your homestudy is done, you'll be in a position to say: Only infants.

[Lorraine123]

I am also in Frederick. When we were looking to adopt, we called the county and they told us that very few of the children in foster care become available for adoption. This was 5 years ago, but I believe we were told that like only 3 had been adopted the year before. Maybe that has changed. We were looking to do straight adoption, so we went with a private agency.

[WPTAG_family]

There were several families on the "pannel" from the PRIDE classes that had adopted infant-age 3. That is why we continued on going.

My head is spinning. LOL. I don't know what to do next. She comes back out on Thursday, I guess I will have to be extra sweet.

I just don't understand why she was so sweet to our references and so nasty to DH.

Thank you guys for being here for me during this, I thought going through treatments were hard, this is by far the hardest thing that we have ever went through. And we have only started....right?

[Hadley2]

Good advice to make nice. Also good not to argue over placements or your goals with this lady. She is a licensing worker, not a placement worker or cw, right?

I would also avoid disclosing your fertility treatments if disclosure is not required. This could be a big bar in placement workers' minds--apocryphal or not, there is a fear that you will disrupt placement as soon as you get pregnant or give birth--and to be fair, no one who hasn't started parenting already and even many of us who have, can predict how they will feel about such things until they come to pass.

For example, we had a wanted but surprise pregnancy seven years after DD1 (who came seven years after we married). Thrilled to be fertile, I thought maybe we should go for number 3 while the going was good. Accordingly, I did not have a tubal when DD2 was born, even though she was a C. Four months later I said "no way another one, I'm done" and had the tubal. Good thing, too, as seven years after THAT, fd came home. (I'm still trying to convice DH that seven really is a lucky number.) So, you just never know.

When we're new, we tend to think everybody at the agency does everything. They don't. In larger offices serving pops 20K and up, there are protective services workers and investigators, intake workers, placement workers, caseworkers, adoptive unit workers, licensing workers, and sometimes administrative workers. This one woman really doesn't need to know your desires except as far as putting an age range on the license. Most counties just want to license as many homes as possible and worry about the sorting out of kids later.

Get the license. Even if your county doesn't do many adoptions, your license is good statewide and will suffice for most interstate situations. If you look out of state or district, you deal FIRST with the child's agency (not yours, which may try to mislead you and tell you you can't take an out of district placement; know that that is nonsense and illegal). If the other agency thinks you're a likely candidate for a child, they will initiate the paperwork for placement and your agency can't bar you from placement if your qualifications are documented. In some states, some counties/districts have a practice of not considering fps from outside their district who have not been licensed for a year or more, but I don't think it can be an actual law anywhere without running afoul of federal law that says a child must be placed in his/her best interest regardless of where that might be.

Good luck. This is beginning stages, there is much more adventure to be had

[kxl164]

Sometimes I think LW's do things like this to see if you WILL quit or not. They want to see how flexible and how committed you are. If you can't take a LW'er being rude and unsupportive how will you handle it if a judge orders things that you don't agree with for the child?

That being said, I agree with everyone else, smooth things over, stick to a range you are comfortable with and then when the calls start coming accept what you are comfortable with. We are licensed from 0-5 years old, but only take children under 2 years old. It has never been a problem.

Also, the number of potential adoptive placements will probably be very low, and most of the people who have adopted from your county were most likely foster first and then adopted, not foster-adopt only, does that make sense? Here they license EVERYONE as Resource parents, so if you never want to adopt fine but you are still licensed to in case you change your mind, and if you do want to adopt fine but the children may be returned home because that is simply the nature of foster care so you need to be prepared for that from the outset.

I would focus on what you are doing now instead of on what could happen if you did get a foster child and they were being reunited.... be mindful of your feelings, but don't worry about something now that may never happen.

Good Luck!

[shy_bear]

I agree with the others; she is your licensing worker. Play nice so there are no problems getting the license and then make sure your placement cw knows you and exactly what you are looking for. For us Baby A will be legally free in Jan. We are unsure if we are going to adopt again. Our licensing worker feels we should not; she feels that 4 kids is too many today. She has already told us we would have to wait until Baby A is older. I know she is wrong; our placement cw told us we can go back on the list the day we finalize. I let the licensing worker talk and just shake my head in agreement. She has nothing to do with us getting a child. Good luck!

[MamaS]

Try to convince your husband to stay calm. If she really wants to deny you, labeling him as having "anger issues" or "poor impulse control" can be an excuse to deny. There are always fewer foster/adopt homes for older children/sibling groups. Our county ALWAYS pressured infant-only families to foster older children. A friend of mine was offered an infant baby boy to adopt IF she took 5-year-old twin girls in short-term foster. A year later a relative from out-of-state claimed the baby boy and my friend finally adopted the girls when they were eight years old. You can stand firm on what you want and refuse to accept anything else, but you might miss out on what you really want!

[HOPEFULINPA]

We were told in training that if we were in it to JUST adopt we may as well leave right then and there.

Our caseworker told us we would NEVER get a baby under age 2 that we would be able to adopt.

Jordan came to us at 7 months and is going to be 3 in February. We finalized his adoption a year ago October.

We are waiting for #2 now. Boy or girl under 2. The caseworker tells us Jordan's situation was a FREAK and it NEVER happens like that.

I tell her "you watch".

Go with your gut.

[WPTAG_family]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Try to convince your husband to stay calm. If she really wants to deny you, labeling him as having "anger issues" or "poor impulse control" can be an excuse to deny. There are always fewer foster/adopt homes for older children/sibling groups. Our county ALWAYS pressured infant-only families to foster older children. A friend of mine was offered an infant baby boy to adopt IF she took 5-year-old twin girls in short-term foster. A year later a relative from out-of-state claimed the baby boy and my friend finally adopted the girls when they were eight years old. You can stand firm on what you want and refuse to accept anything else, but you might miss out on what you really want!

Really??!!! She can do that????? But how can you deny that? Now I am really nervous!

[sunflower1220]

In OK they specifically state in the information packet you get when you first request information and application if you are looking for a child under 2 you will be given information for private adoption organizations they will not work with you any further.

Also yes if she senses any hostility from your DH she can deny you due to anger issues or the like, it's best you have a discussion with your DH and make sure he will be able to be polite and keep his frustration in check before you continue on with the next meeting, so she can't use that as a reason. Just my advice.

[typeatoday]

We are in TX so we can be licensed with a private foster/adoption agency but we are still over seen by them and CPS as well. They have never pressured us at all to consider other placement criteria. They may have asked us if we were interested in something slightly out of our range, but never pressured us. Ultimately, I think what happened to you is unprofessional.

HOWEVER....I have found that my agency is a rarity. And I have also found that while foster/adoptive parents are expected to be organized, patient, and opinionless, SW/LW/CW/CM etc are entitled to be disorganized, impatient, and opinionated. WHY? Well,it boils down to this: WE work for them. That is the way I think about it when things don't seem fair so it makes sense to me and I keep it in perspective. Why I can't be 2 minutes late to visits but the case worker can bring the baby out 30 minutes late to me and I should be understanding. Does this make sense?

Ultimately, if you do this, you will have several or even many opportunities to respond the way you normally would when your neighbor, your family member, or someone in the business world irritates you, tries to tell you what you should do, or oversteps their boundaries. However, it reflects poorly on you to rsepond negatively. Even if the LW is tacky, you can't respond with tackiness. She is not starting a file and deciding the destiny of herself. She is doing it for you.

Don't let this scare you. This is important work you are setting out to do. DON'T GIVE UP, PLEASE! But do understand that you are going to be challenged in the coming months. And it will make you better!

Our agency did us a service when we showed up for PRIDE classes. They told us if we were doing this to fulfill ourselves, to go do a private birth mom adoption. If we were doing this for the kids, we were in the right place. We WERE doing it to fulfill ourselves. We decided right then we would become foster aprents instead of foster-to-adopt. We were blessed within 3 weeks of licensure to have 2 newborn infants placed with us. One has gone to live with his sweet gma after 5 months with me, and the other may or may not go home next year. If we have the opportunity to adopt one day, great! If not, we get to be parents to probably 50+ kids in the next 10 years! Isn't that cool?

Truth be told, CPS loves us. They think we are the best thing since sliced bread. Becuase I speak respectfully, I keep in perspective that a cool head makes a big difference in relationships. I say "no" when I need to but very kindly and respectfully, even when I am not treated with respect. So that being said, we are on the placement list again, we have a file with our agency and CPS, and essentially, they know we are trustworthy. We are easy to work with, we go above and beyond for our foster children, and we truly love them. They have said we are at the top of the placement list because of this being easy to work with.

You may be stretched inthe coming months. You will have to learn how to be your children's advocate without overstepping bounds. Fostering can be very confusing because of the role you have (you love a child like they need to be loved, yet you are not asked your opinion on what is best for that child). But it is extremely rewarding. I have never done anything better with my life.

[WPTAG_family]

Thanks again guys!!! Tonight is our last meeting, I will let you guys know how it goes. I really don't know what I would do without you guys! I am forever thankful that I stumbled upon this forum!

I am going to smile a little wider and show my DH how comfortable I am and maybe he will be a little easier and won't take everything to heart.

Is there a possibilty that we are just too emotional to do this? I guess there is only one way to see.

If we are denied, is it even worth it to appeal it? I am too a planner and need to know what I should do in case of every situation. I think I think to much! LOL