[sstroll]

My husband and I are bringing our foster-to-adopt children home on March 30th. Sister and brother sib group, ages 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. We have a lot experience with children (we have 20 nieces and nephews) but no parenting experience. During our visits with them, my husband has proven to be wonderful with them, but I'm worried about myself and am starting to doubt my mothering abilities. Honestly, I'm terrified and think I'm on the verge of a major meltdown! We've waited for 2 1/2 years and now that we're finally getting kids, I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to think that I've got some serious issues - 1)being infertile & still wanting to try for a biological child & feeling guilty for wanting to try, 2)the feeling that I won't be as good of a mother as these children deserve, 3)the general feeling of selfishness when I think of the time my husband & I will no longer have for each other because we have children, 3)the feeling of being overwhelmed -- we just met them two weeks ago, and now they are moving in and everything has been so incredibly chaotic! etc, etc.
Any words of advice or wisdom? I'm desperate!

[Boulderbabe]

Congratulations---you're perfectly normal! We all experience these feelings. It's normal to be nervous as well as excited.

The one issue that concerns me in your list is the infertility. You really need to process that one, maybe with a therapist. It's not fair to the adopted kids to be "second best" or part of a series of regrets. Have you thought about joining an infertility support group?

[stevenstwin]

When I was 9 months pregnant with my first bio child, I had a total meltdown - I KNEW I was going to be an awful mother. I didn't know the first thing about raising a child! Gosh- could I even feed her right, and change her diaper? Wow - I was wondering if it was too late to change my mind. I'm telling you this story just to show you that it is so normal to feel that way, whether you are becoming a mom through birth or adoption. It's a little scarier with our adopted children, perhaps, because we figure they are old enough to KNOW if we screw up! But of course I did just fine with my first bio...and my second bio...and my foster-to-adopt teen. If you weren't at least a little worried, you wouldn't be normal! There are a few specific stressors you are going to have - it is a more sudden transition to not have more than a few weeks to work up to the idea...but on the other hand, I assume you've been planning to adopt and working through the process for a long time. Heck, that gives you and advantage then - you've already met your children! My bios were total strangers to me when they arrived in my home :-) Of COURSE you are going to feel like you and your husband are giving up some alone time - all new parents do - but you'll find a way to adapt. You will still have your alone time, but now you will also have the joys of family time as well.
ps - CONGRATULATIONS! Wow - they are home tomorrow. How exciting!

[chelspark1]

My husband and I are bringing our foster to adopt children home next Friday (ages 11,12, and 13). We are first time parents, too, and I am terrified! Didn't help that on the last visit the 13 year old had a real attitude towards us.
Good luck tomorrow!

[nanab]

sounds normal to me.just be yourself you will be fine.and make sure you get a sitter sometimes so you and hubby can have a date night.you will give up some freedom but you will gain so much more.before long,you will be wondering how you existed before they came into your lives.lol.good luck,give them lots of love,and 2 toddlers will be challengeing,hope youve read up on what to expect with toddlers.lol.best of luck,enjoy.
nanab

[vernellinnj]

As a single, bio childless fost-adopt parent, let me assure you - your feelings are normal. Just do your best...children don't expect perfection. And, don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself. For example, not all adoptive parents fall immediately in love with their children, some fall slowly in love. Enjoy your children...wow, YOUR children.

Best of luck...you can do it!

[WhoKnew]

Completely normal! If you have not done so, you may want to read Attaching in Adoption. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood is also good (written for parents of kids under six). Many people on these boards swear by the Love and Logic principles (including me).

Try to prepared for lots of ups and downs, in the kids' behavior, their emotions, and your emotions. Be on the lookout for signs of Post Adoption Depression (PPD) which is fairly common amoung parents who adopt older children.

If you have not read about attachment issues/parenting, you will want to do that. Things like lots of eye contact with the child, and games/activities that encourage eye contact. Feeding the children (spoon feeding) is great for bonding. You, the parents should do all the caregiving in the beginning; do not lot others, even Grandma, feed/bathe/dress the children. They need to learn that YOU are their parents.

Be prepared for others (friends and family) to not understand what a big adjustment this is for you and how challenging it can be. Try to really lean on the friends that can be there and support you, even just to listen.

All that said, enjoy your new kids and remember that you don't have to be perfect! Easier said than done, I know. Down the line, you can have date nights, but I wouldn't leave the kids with anyone else for a while.

Most of us have felt the way you do at some point. On the day I had picked up dd to come home for good, we had to stop and pick up a prescription for her. In the store, I got to see the 'passive agressive' behavior I had been warned about. While trying to handle this, she gave me a 'death stare' that was so intense, I thought, "What have I gotten myself into?"

We've had our challenges but adding her to our family has also been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Congratulations on being matched, and best of luck for a smoothe transition!

[Barksum]

The feelings you describe are normal. I was terrified before/during the arrival of ALL of our children. (bio and adopted) We were adopting our 4th child (third adoption) and I was so upset I was physically ill the night before we got to meet him. You would think that a 4th child/3rd adoption would be old hat, but noooo. I wasn't just emotionally stressed about having another child and all that goes with that, but I was seriously wondering if we were insane or what! How could we think it was a good idea to adopt another child? Would we be good parents? What if this was a mistake? And we'd been working on adopting another child for 3 years prior to finally being matched! So I think your uncertainties are normal.

Now, having said that, do be prepared for emotions you hadn't anticipated, and for them to last longer than you anticipate. Each of our adoptions, and we've adopted 4, have taken about 2 or so months to really settle in, emotionally, for me. I'm not talking about the child bonding and settling in, or the children already in our home starting to settle in with a new sibling, but ME. It takes ME about 2 months to get my head around having another child and getting our routine worked out and all.

Remember to be flexible and not to over-think all the minutia of life. Do not make any major decisions after 10:00 p.m. (Seriously.) Try to arrange for a date night for just you and your Dh once a week - but only after that first month or two as WhoKnew suggested. (We still have this as a goal...but we really only get out once in a blue moon. But we fantasize! LOL) We still only ever leave our kids with family or very close friends, due to our children's issues. Do have a mindset that allows little mini-breaks during the day. Clear your calendar of EVERYTHING that is non-essential for as long as you can. And essentials are only those things that are required by law or are necessary for life. Be very careful how you figure out your priorities. For example, manicures are essential because they give you a little break and that is required for living.

I have not had to deal with infertility, but do echo Boulderbabes suggestion to work on that area. I do have one bio child and I can tell you that it is more than possible to love a child not born of your body fully as much as one who is. Do not buy into the idea that this is not possible; that adoption is a 'fall back plan', or other ideas. Don't get me wrong; pregnancy and birth are wonderful. (Ok, I'm choking as I say that because I had a horrible pregnancy and our bio baby and I almost died during the process, but I've heard that it can be wonderful for some people....) I love our children so much it is overwhelming at times, and I don't think to myself that 'I love them...in spite of their not being born to me.' I truly, only, ever think, 'My life is full to bursting! I am so blessed, and I love my children.'

In fact...one rare day my Dh and I were eating lunch alone. I asked my Dh what he thought a child born to us might have looked like if we'd had one. He got THE strangest look on his face and said, 'Honey, we did have a baby together, and she looks like our oldest child because SHE IS OUR OLDEST CHILD.' Oh. Yeah. Right. LOL

I think of my children as 'My Children'.

[mrsred]

Anytime we are faced with a Big Life Change we would not be normal if we weren't experiencing some sense of panic! How long have you been married? Do you remember the few days right before your wedding when you thought OMG! what on earth am I doing? Or go back a bit further - what about when you first moved out of mom and dad's house? Wasn't that scary? Oh what about starting high school? Or really, wouldn't you have just as soon stayed in elementary school? Better yet... no school at all, just home with Mom where things are safe and familiar.....
Okay, I guess I have made my point. You are just being a normal person. No matter how changes happen, whether we are prepared or not, whether we planned for 10 years or 10 minutes... if it is a Big Life Change it is scary. but we do it anyway, and in the long run we are glad.

[sstroll]

Thank you to everyone who responded with such kindness to my post! I feel so much better, having read your replies and talking more things out with my husband. I am still scared, but I know things will work out -- we just have to take things one day at a time and stick together and love these kids.
I hope I didn't seem ungrateful in my earlier post -- we are truly blessed that God has brought these two children into our lives!

[nanab]

HI SSTROLL
let us know how things are going.one thing someone mentioned was building attachment with the kids.this is so important.i believe there is a book out there on toddler adoption.your kids may like activities that a younger child would like.our fson was 9 and asked for bath toys/.he got them and bubble baths.reading to them.playing games.eye contact is important,as our hugs and smiles.yours are younger may need to be held alot.the first few months we did alot of work on bonding and it really paid off.he attached quickly and well.have fun!
nanab