[blessedbybug]

If you have to do it over again, go the foster-to-adopt route, would you? Now I know many of you would say "of course!!!" because this process brought you the children you love. I understand that side of it, but hear me out.

DH and I are really trying to work through whether or not we will work to add any more children to our family. We have been blessed with two amazing kids already but really want to make sure we're really "done". I personally could add at least 3 more but I know time-wise that most likely isn't an option.

Some background... Before DS was placed with us through a private agency in June 2006, we were officially approved as a waiting family for foster-to-adopt. We are the kind of people who 'walk through an open door' and this possibility was an open door.

Granted, it was a long shot based on where we lived (very rural, very few FTA placements) but we were willing to take the chance since we saw the benefits of having a child with us if they had to be in foster care and if there was a strong possibility they would join our family in the end. We were willing to consider the risk of reunification with their first families because the benefit to our family with them being with us from the beginning (if they stayed with us) was there.

So here we are again, but things are a bit different now. We are in a LARGE city so the probability of having a FTA placement is alot higher. And wondering if it would be worth it to go through the process again. We would basically have to start over with the homestudy. And foster care training since we are in a different region.

I would really like to add more kids to our family but... I don't know. I would love to hear your thoughts from your experiences. I really feel like we will probably do some emergency infant foster care once our kiddos are older. So it isn't the foster care side that I'm questioning. Going into it with the mindset of reunification is one thing. It's the whole other side of hoping in my heart that a child will stay with us, knowing that there is the strong possibility they will be reunited with their First Family that I really struggle with. It has me wondering whether or not we should open this door.

I guess there's a big part of me that says if you're not sure, don't do it. And obviously from this post, we're not sure. But we're also running out of time to make this decision. THoughts? Would you share your experience on coming to this decision?

And thank you.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know now that I could never have been a "foster" parent before my boys came to me. Even though we took the "legal risk" when Bug was placed with us...I would have DIED had his case gone to RU. I never would have taken another placement.

We are looking at going down the road again. Although we still live in the same city, we have a larger house now and are licensed for 2 more. If circumstances work that we are needed for a placement now...sure I would say yes. If that placement were to become permanent I would welcome it. On the other hand, if it were to go to RU, I would be able to handle that now.

That inner, burning, craving, yearning to be a mommy has been filled with the love of and for my boys. I am in a state where I can love a child and support reunification if it is in their best interest. So, yes, beyond the idea that foster/adopt brought me the boys, I would foster/adopt again.

[Yash]

When I was adopting my son through foster care, I vowed I was never going through this heartbreak again so I slowly began the process for an international adoption.

Yet after his adoption placement papers were signed, I felt the yearn to bring home a newborn. A month after finalization I was turning in paperwork to adopt from through foster care again. I figured it my foster care license was still current so I went for it.

[cvalda]

I was a liscensed foster parent from 1997-early 2006, when I moved and decided not to renew my foster care liscense. I adopted six of my foster kids, and of course I'd do all six of those again in a heartbeat, although there are a few things I would have done differently.

But I will not be a foster parent again, in that I'll take foster placements, etc. However I have the passion to adopt more kids and am getting a homestudy done to adopt a child waiting in foster care, and technically I will have to be liscensed as a foster parent for that... btu I will not be taking any legal risk children, or any who's rights have not already been terminated. I just can't deal with that unknown aspect OR with the biological parents in those cases (who tend to be very bitter when their children have been taken away).

So, yes I'd do my first six again. No I won't be a foster parent just to "foster". But yes I'll adopt children IN foster care! LOL If that made ANY sense!

;~) Kelly

[athikers]

We're in the middle of our first placement, which is now likely to transition to a relative placement rather than adoption. I don't know if we'll do it again. I hope so, because I love being a mommy. But, the thought of "my" son and daughter leaving is profoundly sad and I don't know how many times I can do it - I won't know until I actually experience the loss of them leaving. So, we may go for straight adoption or fostering ONLY children who have already TPR'd and are looking for long-term placement with possible adoption. We just don't know yet.

[azhellos]

How long after being licensed to foster/adopt before you had a placement? How long before the family specialist contacted you? Is there any limit on the number to adopt? How long were the kids in your care before you could adopt?

[kxl164]

We are foster parents, but may become adoptive parents depending on how our current case goes.

We got in this with the mind-set to foster, but then we were asked if we would be open to adopting so now things are a bit blurry but we still are foster parents first.

If this placement goes to RU, then we will take a break and then foster again.

We are considered a Resource home in that we will consider adopting any children placed in our home, but we are still foster parents first if that makes any sense.

Our first placement, which is our current placement, was in our home before we were even licensed. They were right, these kids are a great fit for our family. They've been here for months and months and we honestly hope that they can stay, but if RU is the way it goes then we will be as supportive of their trasition as we can be.

If you are sure you want to adopt then only accept kids how have been TPR'ed already.

If you can foster, you may still be able to adopt, but it is a harder road to take.

Good Luck!

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

I guess there's a big part of me that says if you're not sure, don't do it.

I'm not sure that's necessarily true. Choosing "no" is also a decision, and so is doing nothing. I think you could just as easily say "We're not sure if we're done adding to our family, so we must still want more kids."

Life's a gamble - sometimes you have to just take the plunge and hope for the best.

[NitaJaye]

I was a foster parent in FL for 5 years and all "my" babies left to either go to relative or back home. My first baby was adopted by another family. I had a horrible cw and he did not tell me there were ways to get financial assistance and help with medical before I denied to adopt. I had CJ for almost 2 years, but I am thrilled with his adoptive placement.

I have fostered inIL for almost 4 years now and I started here as a foster to adopt home. I have two little adopted blessings now and at this time I would not foster or FTA mainly because I am a single mom and two kids 5 and 4 are enough for me right now.

If I got married I would definetly go FTA again and take the risk of RU. My take has always been that God must have placed this child in my home for a season for a reason. It is my job to love and provide for them for as long as needed. I take comfort in knowing that while a child was placed with me they knew comfort, security and unconditional love.

[AmyAnne]

I did foster to adopt. I am going to be brutally honest, here and I hope I don't get flamed for it. We would not do it again. We are not interested in accepting any future placements, and I don't think this is going to change.

My son has come a long way. Seeing who he has become I don't know that I could say if we had the ability to rewind, we wouldn't take HIM. I have changed, in some ways for the better, because of him. Our lives have all been changed because of this process, and for the most part it was more postitive than negative.

We were a Theraputic Foster Care home and my son had RAD when he was placed with us. I love him. I enjoy him in my life. But I feel like I walked through a battlefield to get our family here. I don't know that I would have the stregnth to do it again.

[KT9]

AmyAnne, I feel the same way. I'm glad we got our daughter. I feel very fortunate and blessed to have her in our lives, but I'm beaten and bruised and I don't have it in me to go through the process again. Maybe in 2 or 3 years I will feel differently, but right now I have to lick some wounds.

I'm with others here who say they would adopt through the foster care system but not do another FTA. I can't handle the stress, the uncertainity, the possibility that at any moment my child (yes, MY child) will be taken from me only because I didn't give birth to her.

[blessedbybug]

both the good and the hard. That is exactly some of what I needed as we work to make this decision. For me, it is good to hear that some of you who have experienced this have found it a positive experience and others say they wouldn't do it again. Now we have to decide what we are willing to go through to add another child to our family. DH and I seem to work well at reaching a consensus on most things and when we can't, then we wait.

Funny to me anyway... as we have reached a consensus we are both comfortable with... we are going to wait!!!! We aren't ready to decide whether we're done adding to our family, and we decided that's okay. It almost sounds indecisive but really, it feels good to know we talked about it and can say we don't know what we want so we'll just wait to see how life develops for us. After all, when DD joined our family, we were certain we wouldn't go through the process again. WIthin six months (on the drive home from finalization to be exact) we had our first conversation about the possibilities.

We feel we do know what to expect on some level based on our parent prep and foster training and our previous homestudies. And right now, we're NOT ready to start. But we're not ready to close the door finally either. What we know from our research is that FTA will be the avenue we will use if we do choose to add another child to our family.

But right now, we are parenting two great kids and our life is incredibly full and busy. Even though they came to us through a private domestic infant placement, they both have some issues/potential issues based on their prenatal history. We need to see how things unfold in the next couple years. And then maybe then we'll know.

THanks again for taking the time to share your experiences!!!

[MomwithFive]

but I'm beaten and bruised and I don't have it in me to go through the process again.>>

This is us, most definitely. We are emotionally exhausted with no end in sight right now. I also wouldn't ask my bio children to go through this emotional rollercoaster again.

[Mominalberta]

Hi,

I think that we would do it again. It probably is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. But I have grown so much through it. I think the foster to adopt really is the way to go as, the child doesn't have to go to foster home then adoptive home. I think that can be very hard on the children. The less the children move the better.

I think the children are worth doing it for. Our birth children came very easily and with our foster/adopt was alot harder. We were not in control of the decision of the child.

I find also when you foster to adopt take one day at a time. THat reall yis the only way you can do it. If you think and worry to much it will burn you out.

I think alot of the time it is the system that is harder than the children. But the children are worth it.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Mominalberta

Hi,

I think that we would do it again. It probably is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. But I have grown so much through it. I think the foster to adopt really is the way to go as, the child doesn't have to go to foster home then adoptive home. I think that can be very hard on the children. The less the children move the better.

I think the children are worth doing it for. Our birth children came very easily and with our foster/adopt was alot harder. We were not in control of the decision of the child.

I find also when you foster to adopt take one day at a time. THat reall yis the only way you can do it. If you think and worry to much it will burn you out.

I think alot of the time it is the system that is harder than the children. But the children are worth it.

Thank you for your post. Our struggle to our two children has been a really rough road. That's why we hesitate to even consider doing anything more. I definitely agree that kids are worth it, but I do wonder what the process and uncertainty would do to us, after all we've been through, and to our children and their needs. I honestly don't know if we have it in us. And I'm now ready to admit that. Sadly, but that is where we are at right now.