[MrsD]

Hi guys,
I'm in a weird situation....my husband's work wants to throw a joint shower for us, and a couple that are pregnant and due in August. We're not going to be approved for placement until at least the end of next month. However, the way my husband's job is, if they don't do it now, they won't be able to until January and they want to avoid that. I've tried to argue that it's too early, that we don't know what we want, that even by January we may not have placement...but they are very insistent and to continue to protest is going to hurt their feelings. So my question is....if we are asking for a sibling set with one child 0-1 and the other 0-3, open to either gender, what do we ask for??? We have a crib, a changing table, a double jogging stroller, a pack-n-play, and a convertible crib-toddler-double bed. Most of this stuff is either from friends or relatives that already have kids and wanted to empty their garages. So, what do we ask/register for?

Thanks in advance!!!

P.S. I'd like to add that I am incredibly grateful and touched that they want to do this for us. I realize my post may not reflect that, but I think they are an amazing group of people and generous to a fault. I'm so happy they are supportive of our decision and our family. I'm just in a bit of a quandary on how to deal with this situation.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know it is hard! Especially when you don't know when or what gender of child you will receive. Maybe you could suggest rather than celebrate this now, they might celebrate with an "adoption" party after you have finalized? This is what my office did. By then they knew the boys and had watched them grow...it was easier to know what we might need too.

Otherwise I would suggest gift cards...kind of impersonal I know...but you can't begin to guess what the future holds for sure.

[musemoon]

We threw a welcome party when Aria came, about two months after I picked her up from the hospital, when her adoption looked, very likely. However, that being said, I would ask for gift cards to Target and other baby places. That's what I did, and trust me THEY CAME IN HANDY when I needed stuff throughout the first year. Things would crop up and you didn't realise you needed them. I think the way to tell people is to ask for cards wishing you well and gift cards to put away for when the kids need something. Otherwise ask for BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS and Baby Einstein DVD's (Very educational for kids).

[DianeS]

Being approved for a placement by the end of next month means that possibly, *possibly* you could actually have children in your home at the end of next month.

Which means that NOW is the perfect time for a shower!

It's good you have all the big stuff, nobody will feel pressured to buy it if they don't truly want to. But of course you'll need MUCH more than that. You can register for:

Diapers (all brands, all sizes, it'll give you some to try out before you spend your own money)
Wipes
Training pants

Clothing for a 2 or 3 year old (they'll wear it eventually)
Pajamas in every size (no telling what your children will arrive wearing - or not wearing!)
SOCKS!
Hats and gloves

Crib sheet sets
Toddler bed sheet sets
Infant/toddler blankets (good for "loveys" even if they don't need the warmth)

Toddler books
Toddler educational toys
Stuffed animals
Videos (for all ages, it's not like they spoil sitting in the cabinet)

Bath toys
Wash cloths
Extra towels
Hanging bags so toys can drip dry

Outdoor toys
Riding toys
Sandbox supplies
Swing set (just in case there's a high roller in the group)
Indoor playhouse
Stand-up activity centers
Blocks

Baby soap
Baby shampoo
Baby lotion
OTC medications - benedryl, teething tablets, children's tylenol, band-aids, quick-read thermometer, etc

Do you have a bouncer?
A swing?
An exersaucer?

Hmmm... give me some time and I may think of more!

How about some plastic storage bins to keep everything in?!?

You'll have just as much fun wandering through the store thinking of things you'd like to have as you would shopping for them yourself. Even without knowing the genders, ages, or sizes of the children you will eventually have, there's a LOT of shopping that eager well-wishers can do.

[Hadley2]

Congratulations on getting through the process. This can be an exciting, hopeful time.

BUT--wow, what if you end up with at-risk teens? I know, I know, what you've asked the agency for, but kids aren't sweaters, we don't just order them up.... sometimes what comes is what comes. Many times on the foster boards we've read of the couple who asked for x, agreed to take y temporarily and ended up with z for the long haul. Or, worse, what if you get fed up with the agencies, the system, or decide the kids' issues are just too scary or hard to deal with when reality comes your way? It happens.

It sounds as if your husband's workplace does not understand f-a. Not to be discouraging, but you really have no idea when you will get a placement (could be a year or more from now if you insist on your exact "order") or who will be placed with you, the degree of risk involved, etc.

Getting licensed is kind of like deciding to try to get pregnant. Actually, it is more like passing your physical exam to be cleared to try to get pregnant. It is just a little step on the way to what might lead to a family of unknown ages and dimensions. If it were me, I would refuse the shower firmly as it seems inappropriate and impractical now.

Good luck on your journey. It may be short, long, smooth or bumpy, but it will definitely be a growing and learning experience.

[ab1023]

I would wait. When we were going through the process, we were constantly told that they had everything they needed and then they lost paperwork over and over and over again. I firmly believe that the only reason we were approved was due to me contacting the Director over the state to let them know what was going on. We asked for up to 2 children up to 5 years old. We got 3 children that are 6, 5, and 3 (about to be 4). Everyone wants to give us a shower too but since the bp are appealing the termination, I have asked them to wait for the adoption to finalize. I think it is the best decision but every week I do kick myself because we are constantly buying stuff for the kids that we never considered. It is getting expensive. Someone mentioned to list medicine (our first night, my husband had to go to the store at midnight for medicine because one of them got sick). Ask for medicine, lots and lots of medicine!!! Gift cards would be great to get what you need or to help purchase something large for the child.

[LibbyHawkins]

I have to agree with Hadley, wait. Wait until TPR has been signed, wait until all possible avenues and then some have been exhausted that might place children with extended(or twice removed) or previously unqualified family members.

Foster Adopt is as a speaker I heard just 2 nights ago said . . ."The Big Crapshoot"

This from a 15 yr employee of the Child Welfare System who lost a so called PreAdoptive placement that she had had in her home for over a year, no one wanted this child until it was apparent she wanted to give the child a home. All signs pointed to this child being hers forever, and trust me she knew the signs.

As we all have to do, please remember foster care is about reuniting families, it is not necessarily what is in the best interest of the child, but about the family.

All that said, I wish you luck in your journey, it will be rewarding. I, too - hope to adopt from Foster Care.

Again, wait.

[Yash]

I agree with Diane S. That's a great list, Diane.

I threw a shower for myself two weeks after I was licensed. I requested an infant, preferably a girl, newborn to one. For some reason, I had it stuck in my head that I wouldn't get a newborn and the youngest my baby would be was 3 months. So I registered for items for a baby 3 months and up. I asked for the things in yellow and other gender neutral colors. Thank goodness, yellow was Jory's color.

I ended up with a 5-day-old baby boy so some of the clothes I had were too big but at least they were there for future use, which is also nice.

If you're sure about the age you want, then I say go for it. My SW never called me about a child that wasn't in the age range I wanted. So I never worried about getting a baby who wouldn't fit the items I had.

It's so sweet your husband's job is doing this for you.

[vernellinnj]

My job also gave me a shower upon my licensing. I received over $500 in gift cards - we had a cake, goodies, balloons, etc. It really was best as I did not get a placement for 4 months and would not have known what to ask for. Let me tell you, the GC came in handy!

PS I received a few gifts, one baby basket with medicines, thermometer, etc., children's bible, etc.

Really sweet of my co-workers...some people don't even get an acknowledgement!

Best wishes..this is not for the faint of heart...

[tinatyme]

Ohmigod! Don't wait, celebrate! This is a new step for you and your husband and I think it is fabulous that his colleagues want to be a part of that celebration. I agree with the list above and gift cards and really anything that anyone wants to give you. You will need so much and it is helpful if you don't have to run out to buy it. My family has a welcome party about a month or two after we get every child. We don't ask our family or friends to bring gifts anymore (unless they are so inclined) because we have all the basics for the full newborn to 5 year old spectrum, but we do have a celebration with food, decorations, games, music, etc. There are only a few times in your life where you can share your joy with others. Even if the child is only with you for a short period the time they are with you is a reason to celebrate. I am fully cognizant that the plan is reunification and I support that but that doesn't negate the joy we feel to have them in our lives.

Oh and let me tell you about the adoption parties we have thrown (or had thrown for us)! When you get to that point let me know.

Tina