[dscarter]

hello,

I am new to this forum. I am a stay at home mom and my husband and I are looking to adopt. The only way that we felt we could afford, is foster adopt. I have many many questions and feel that I cant get them answered. I need advice from all sides and points of view.

Here are my questions:

Are there any options for loans and grants that we can apply for before we have an approved home study?

Would we have a better chance at adopting if we were foster parents? I guess, my question is: Would it be better for my husband and I to become Foster parents? Would we have a better chance at adopting a healthy sibling group? We are both 40 and have a biological child, but want a larger family. Our age range is 0 to 12.

What are the room and bed requirments?

Are there grants that we could apply for now to add on to our home so we could have a larger sibling group?

We are not finished with our home study. Classes dont even begin until after the first of the year. Is there anything that we can do to speed up the process? Does anyone offer the parenting classes other than DHS?

What should I expect while going through this process? Timewise? Financially?

Are our chances better since we are looking for a larger sibling group?

What should I expect during our home study? Home requirements ect... How do I prepare my home?

Is foster care adoption our only hope if we dont have the finances to adopt through an agency?

What if we dont get approved? What could stop us? I have been married more than once, will that stop us from being accepted?

I have all these questions...My mind races day and night thinking of my new family that God will send my way. I am constantly looking at new parenting ideas and methods etc...

I believe that God will provide, I know that he knows my heart and I am willing to wait, but I just need to know what to expect and how to prepare. I am excited and scared at the same time.

[Rebecca G.]

Foster to adopt is relativley inexpensive. We live in Texas and so far we have only had to pay for the fire inspection 75.00 and for finger printing app. 50.00 each. The home study is paid for by the agency in our case. We still have to pay for the final adoption which we were quoted app. 1500.00 if we use the agency attorney.

You still have home inprovemnts if you need them. So far we just had to add the safety locks, and plug covers although we painted the room that will be the nursery. We also had to buy new fire extenguishers which we needed anyway.

You have the option of picking the DHS or even a private adoption agency. We chose the private agency because we felt it would be more personable. Ask questions, alot of questions when speaking with agency's.

You are placed quicker with sibling groups from what I have been told. The more siblings the better chance of placement if you qualify. The agency can give you the info on that also.

We have completed everything except the homestudy which is scheduled for January. Good luck on your adventure. Sit back and try to relax, it is lengthy and stressful at times. It is the old adage "hurry up so you can wait for the next steep"......

[DianeS]

LOL! That's a nice lot of questions you have there, dscarter! Let me see what I can do about answering them.

First of all - there are NO grants available for expanding your house in the hopes that will allow you to adopt a larger sibling group. I've never heard of such a thing, despite that being a relatively common question. Apparantly it just doesn't exist.
As for other types of grants - you won't need them. An adoption from foster care costs almost nothing - in most states there are even refunds you can get that will cover any costs you do incurr - like $50 for CPR classes or some such. The refund amount in my state is up to $2,000. But tallying everything up together ($50 for CPR, $15 for a fire extinguisher, $300 for classes, $125 for court paperwork - that's about it for costs) won't come even close to that.

Secondly - requirements. For you, for your home, for any improvements, etc. That will ALL be covered in your classes or your homestudy. Relax, it's not a one-shot deal. Whatever you don't have at the first appointment will be listed out and they'll make a second appointment to come see that you've done it. I know it's easier to say than do, but relax. They'll tell you everything, all you have to do is listen and make notes.

About speed - getting classes scheduled, homestudy finsihed, etc. You REALLY AND TRULY do not want to hurry this part. This is where you are learning - about the type of child who is waiting for a home, about your strengths and weaknesses, about red flags to watch out for. If I could make every class teacher and homestudy worker drag the process out by a few more months, and require twice the amount of reading and experience, I would do so in a heartbeat. So don't go looking for the *fastest* way to finish the requirements - instead, look for the *best* way. You want the best teacher, the best homestudy worker, and the best preparation you can possibly find.

I know you said you're looking for a "healthy" group, but that does not excuse you from learning about all the problems that "unhealthy" sibling groups have. Because a group might be CALLED healthy, but in reality may be far from that - and it will be up to you to notice. The caseworker might be brand-new to the case (there is rather high turnover among social workers) and know only what she is told or what is written down. And noone can possibly write down everything someone needs to know about another human being. There will always be gaps, even if you have a caseworker who is trying her best. (And not all of them try their best.) So you still need to spend a good amount of time learning all the ways that children can be damaged by neglect and abuse from their parents, how to notice that they have been damaged, how to tell how the child's damage will impact your family, and how to heal them (if you choose to do so).

About straight adoption vs foster-to-adopt.
With straight adoption, you are likely to only hear about children who are legally free or just waiting for the judge to bang his gavel and say they're legally free. The chances of such children being returned to bio family is almost non-existant.
With foster-to-adopt, you would hear about children for whom the *plan* is adoption, but for whom that court date is weeks, months, or even years away. The judge may declare them legally free - eventually. Or he may not. And you are relying 100% of the caseworker's prediction of the future. Even if the caseworker is GOOD, she's not going to be perfect. So you have to be OK with the children moving in and acting like a parent towards them, only to have them move out and go home to their biological parents. Because that's what the foster part of foster-to-adopt is, and it does happen sometimes.

However, the flip side of that is twhat happens after the children are legally free.
With straight adoption, the foster parents of that sibling group have decided not to adopt the children, and the caseworkers search for someone else who is - however many families they find who are interested, they discuss them and pick the best one. That family may or may not be yours.
But if you are the foster family for a sibling group that comes up for adoption, assuming you've had them longer than a couple months, chances are you'll be offered the chance to adopt them - WITHOUT being in competition with anybody else. If you say "yes", there's no discussion, everyone rubber stamps the decision and you proceed to adopt them. (It's rare that children are removed from a foster family that wishes to adopt them.)

Also, about your wish to adopt a sibling group and asking about "chances". It's important to remember that ALL children in foster care have been damaged - they all have issues. And when it comes to families wanting to adopt, everyone has their breaking point. Some families can accept problem A, but not B. Some can accept A and B, but not C. Some can accept A, C, and D, but not B. Etc. Also, the more issues you can accept, the more children there are that are possible matches for you.

However, it's interesting to note that some things are considered "issues" that we might not expect. Like a child's AGE. In most states, any child over the age of 8 is considered hard to place. And a child of a minority group who is over the age of 3 or 5 is considered hard to place.
RACE is an issue too. Any minority child is considered harder to place than a caucasian child, even more so if the race is African American.
SIBLINGS are another often-unexpected issue. Every sibling that the child has, assuming those siblings are to be placed together, is considered another issue.

And then there are the obvious - learning disabilities are issues. Fammily history of depression or bipolar are considered issues. Scars on children's bodies from abuse are considered issues. Previous sexual abuse (even if the child has not acted out) is considered an issue.

You already mentioned that you'd consider adopting a child up to 12 years old, and that you'd prefer a sibling group. That's two issues already that will keep other people from considering the child that you might consider. The more issues you are capable of taking on, the fewer other families there will be looking at the same child. You didn't mention race, but if you're open to more than caucasian children, you'll have even fewer families looking at the same children.

And so on. Any learning disability (like dyslexia), or health issue (like diabetes), or mental issue (like diagnosed depression or family history of bipolar disorder) will do two things - ONE it will decrease the number of other families interested in the same child, and TWO it will increase the number of children in the group that you may be interested in.

Now, about the possibility of getting turned down... It's pretty rare. The workers check your criminal history - they need to be sure you have a criminal history clean of the things that normally indicate you'd abuse children - like having abused them before. They'll also check that your home is an acceptable place to raise children - that you have food and clean water and no exposed electrical wires - and if you do have an issue with your home they'll tell you what to fix and then they'll come to see that you did so. They''ll also talk to you about discipline - you won't be allowed to spank a foster child, no matter what you think is acceptable. They may care about how you discipline your bio child - some places care and others don't. But you'll have to conform to their discipline policy in order to be placed with a child.

They'll also work with you to be sure your expectations are realistic. If you expect a child to be eternally grateful, they'll try to convince you the child won't be grateful - and if they can't convince you they're likely to refuse to place a child with you. If you insist on adopting a child who has, say, one blue eye and one brown eye - or some other requirement that is so stringent that the workers simply never see a child who fits it - they are likely to refuse to place a child with you rather than have your application clutterng up their desk. That sort of thing.

They are not likely to care that you have been married before, although they will probably inquire as to the circumstances of your divorce, or your feelings about having been widowed (whichever apply). The homestudy questions can be pretty instrusive, but they're looking for red flags that will mean you'd do something awful to a child.

If you'll hop over to the Foster Care And Adoption forums here, you'll get a LOT of advice from even more people. Never hurts to be prepared!

I hope I addressed at least most of your questions. Post more if you have them!

[dscarter]

Thank you so much!!!!! You have been so kind and have answered so many of our questions. I am new, so sorry for posting in the wrong area.

We are studying Love and Logic, it works on our son.. Thank you so much for the tips. We have just remodeled our home, so the electrical thing needs to be addressed. You have been a dear.. thank you agin..

[jen1mac]

Is your son your biological son? The reason I ask is that we have 2 bio daughters and 1 daughter we have adopted through foster/adopt and we have her sister who we will be adopting soon. She has been with us for 1 year now and she is 18 months. I read a little about Love and Logic and it sounds great for "normal" kids. My bio daughters did great with the schedules and the normal parenting stuff. However both my adopted daughters were drug affected and our youngest has some other things going on where the normal parenting things would not work. That is where your training comes into play and where they can really help you. You are doing all the right things by posting your concerns and questions. I will be praying as you start your adventure.

[mrsred]

Foster Cline, one of the authors and founders of Love & Logic has a strong background in attachment therapy and has worked extensivley with foster children. Love and Logic was developed to work with our challenging kids as well as the "normal" ones.