[Guitarmom]

today,when discussing our upcomign foster/adopt kids, an acquaintance said "you're really going through with it??? your familily's going to get torn apart, I know so...and ..so who adopted foster kids and they had a terrible time,etc."


the kids are 2 and 4-we haven't even met them yet- will we know right away if they have serious attachment issues,etc? Will the social worker be straight forward with us, or do they just want the kids in homes?
it' just stirred up all those fears of "will we be able to handle it, are we doing a disservice to our bio kids,etc".
In my heart I know it's right -and it's what God wants us to do- but I'm really terrified right now!!!
Any words of wisdom for me???

[foster_bub]

Normally there will be a 'honeymoon' period where everything seems to be all good. The kids behaviors will start to change between the 30 and 60 day mark. As soon as you suspect something may be wrong that's when you need to get help from Drs, therapists, and your agency.

We went through all the emotions you're experiencing now. We have a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old. Everything was great until the 40 day mark when our 2 yr old FS started acting out in strange ways. As soon as my wife and I noticed the changes we got him in to see 8 or more Drs. The changes have been AMAZING. With TLC, structure, and intervention the emotional and physical problems infant foster children have suffered is more likely to be reversed. Good luck and keep us posted

Dave

[sfbaymom2000]

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I hate it when people mention the horror stories. I will be brutally hoest with you and tell you that it did almost tear our family apart the first year. Yes, she was very challenging sometimes, and it was frustrating because friends and family didn't see that side of her (common with attachment issues). However, what made it the hardest was my suffering Post Adoption Depression. It is quite common and something to be aware of beforehand (you can look it up on the Internet), so you can watch for the signs.

I can't even begin to tell you how far we have come since then. We are always telling dd how proud we are of her now. She does great in school (behaviorally and socially), behaves well at home most of the time, and is now getting along with our older daughter better than most siblings due (although this was NOT always the case!).

It sounds cliche, but it is true that there are no guarantees, even with bio children. When a family's bio children have ADHD, get into trouble with the law, drugs, etc., nobody says it is becuase they are bio children. It is true that the abuse, neglect, and multiple moves have a huge effect on these kids, and parenting them can be VERY different. But what an awesome thing to do, to help them overcome these hurdles!

I can't imagine our lives without dd. We are soon to celebrate the two year anniversary since she joined us (at age 4). I'd say that about 50% of the first year (ups and downs) was pretty rough and since then it has just gotten better and better.

Anyway, I am sorry to ramble. I wouldn't listen to those with the horror stories. Hopefully by now you have read up on attachment issues. If not, I'd suggest any of these: Attaching in Adoption, Adopting the Hurt Child, and Parenting the Hurt Child. You do need to be realistic about the challenges you'll face, and line up lots of support, and get breaks for yourself when needed.

Best of luck to you!

[Guitarmom]

Originally Posted by sfbaymom2000

It sounds cliche, but it is true that there are no guarantees, even with bio children.

If not, I'd suggest any of these: Attaching in Adoption, Adopting the Hurt Child, and Parenting the Hurt Child. !

thanks! I needed to hear that. I go back and forth between envisioning a "dream child " that fits in perfectly with our family, and a horrible one that tears it apart.
I honestly can relate to what you said about bio kids. I have one kid that's always been a challenge(bio),has ADD, and emotional issues, is defiant,and has put alot of stress on our family. She will be 18 in a few years,and I'm looking forward to the day( I know that sounds bad, but it's true) - I know she will move out immediately when she turns 18. That said - after dealing with her, I feel I am up for most anything!!
I also have read up extensively on post adoption depression,and have all the books you mentioned. I especially love "parenting the hurt child" -it's a great resource!

[jigger]

We are about to adopt our foster child who's been with us for almost a year. It's not all easy. We have good days and bad days. He tends to react to big events like the TPR, and now the adoption. Remember these kids don't think they deserve to be loved and will test you and try to get you to give up on them. In answer to your question though, hwe is our dream child and he does fit into our family perfectly BUT just like my bio child, some days he takes some extra patience. Good Luck!