[Marie2]

Hi - This is my frist try on this site. We are considering adopting a 5 year old. She has been in foster care for almost three years and has had several failed adoptions. Does anyone have any experience on how to work this? Do we tell her we are her forever home? She has heard this before and it was always a lie. Do we tell her we are going to foster her and then after awhile tell her we want her to be our daughter? Has anyone been in this situation? Thanks for your input. Marie

[jigger]

I wouldn't tell her it is her forever home until you are truly committed to adopting her and until the process is far enough along that it seems pretty certain you will be able to do so. I just had the "adoption" discussion with my 5 yo FS but we are pretty far along and he's been with us for almost a year. It sounds to me like a lot of adults have lied to her. She needs to learn to trust you and real honestly is the best way to make that happen. I would just tell her that you'd like her to come live with you and that you want to get to know her and have her get to know you. Then you can just take it little at a time until you have a better idea of what will happen. Good Luck and Congratulations!

[WhoKnew]

We had the same situation; dd had been told that her prior foster home was her forever home. Therefore, we did not tell her that until the TPR went through. Before then, she would sometimes say she wanted to stay with us, and we would tell her, 'we want that, too.' I would also frequently tell her how happy we were that she was with us.

[dadfor2]

why the failed adoptions?

i would wait to tell her until you are sure, it sounds like she has been bounced around enough and im sure her behaviors are off the charts because of it and everything else that has happened to her in her little life.

I would wait until you know for sure and you can handle her.

of course i dont know all the details, but something sounds odd with a little kid who had a few disrupted adoptions.

so i would wait to tell her, and move very very very slow with a transition. the last thing this kid needs is another move and another loss.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree!!! It is rare that a young child has had so many failed adoptions. You need to get her history and if possible talk to her previous foster/adoptive homes to get a better feel for what your up against.

I believe this child DOES need a forever family. Every child does. But some have been through so much that they CAN NOT live in a family type environment. soemtimes they need to live in an specialized home to prepare them for life in a family, before making that transition to yet another home that will only cause further damamge to her by lossing that home as well.

So first...find out all you can about her. Talk to her previous foster parents, adoptive parents, social worker, attorney or any councelors she may be seeing, maybe even her teacher in school or previous daycare providers or pre-school teachers. Just find out everything you can. Then decide if you are willing and ready to handle that challenge and blessings that come with it (for many kids with RAD...those blessings are few and far between...sometimes love just isn't enough for a child...it can be very difficult and time consuming to help work through all the trust issues they have and some may never be able to work through it and eventually after years of lviing and struggling with their adoptive families have to be institutionalized to protect themselves or their family. So it's a huge thing to jump into and you can't do it blindly and social workers will rarley share everything they know about the child, some come right out and lie or withhold importnat information.

The next step would be takign that child into your home and IMMEDIATLEY getting started with counseling and bonding therapy. ONLY if you are 110% commited to keeping that child forever. But I would not say those words to your child that they will be yours forever. I would work with the therapist and take their advice on how to approach that subject. Those words will not only be meaningless to that child right off the bat but they will also feel a greater sense of not allowing themselves to trust you. Start off slow...teach them to love and trust and feel love and trust in return. Once you have established that....that love and trust will build throught your actions, words, and just over time. Then when the time is right and you are preparing to go to court talk about it and your words will not just be words and LIES....they will have built that trust with you and once you adopt her she will hopefully feel even more connected to you and bonded with you. But with kids who have been hurt so bad....actions and persistance and patience are what will really mean the most to your child.

[Marie2]

What is a TPR? I don't know what all these abbreviations mean.

[mom2GRLC]

TPR is termination of parental rights.

[eroseman]

First of all, i think that it is wonderful that you brought this beautiful child into your home. I foster adopted a very bright, curly haired little 3 year old girl (now 6 1/2 years old). It was the best thing I've done to this date. She is a blessing beyond words. I told her that she was born from my heart. You need to let your 5 year old know where you stand. The child needs so desperately to have a sense of security. If you're planning to adopt this wonderful little being, the road may have pot holes, but they're repairable. The memories are priceless.

[Momaof/ten]

termination of parental rights.