[mamasoon]

Hello, a little back story: My husband and I foster adopted 2 brothers now ages 3 and 5. We were told of the older sister whom they never had lived with. She had severe issues and was placed in a group home. She has been diagnosed RAD and was categorized as a level 5 now she is level 4 and in theraputic foster care. We have been earnestly helping the children build a relationship via visits and phone calls. Now the sister is doing wonderfully, she still has some issues but she has come very far from where she was 2 1/2 years ago. She just turned 11 and became free for adoption. I had said no to placement with us, only based on research and to be honest-fear that I couldn't handle an 11 year old. Well, 3 weeks ago, we decided that we wanted to adopt her. We do love this child and do not want to see her hurt anymore. I know that it is going to be soooo hard and I am scared but I don't want to see her moved again. (she has been in care for almost 8 years). Her main issues are whining and acting babyish. She has gotten angry at the group home and swore and hit them. This, she has not done in the foster home because the foster mom pretty much told her she wouldnt have that kind of behavior. She is super intelligent and talented and I believe she takes correction well. Have I lost my ever lovin mind? I just want to do this for the kids and I pray it will work out for the best. Thanks for reading this.
Kathy

[MBelt8402]

I think your wanting to adopt her is wonderful. I'm sure it will not be all perfect at first, but with work you will have a wonderful daughter. I will finish my adoption of a twelve year old in 7 days. It hasn't all been roses, but is sure is sweet. Good luck to you.

[WhoKnew]

I think it is wonderful. I would line up extra support from friends and family. I would also be sure (after she comes) to set up breaks for all of you - date nights for you and DH, alone time for you, alone time with you and the boys if they are struggling with the adjustment of her joining the family.

I don't know anything avout the RAD scale you mentioned. However, if she is in a group home and at a 4 or 5, I am guessing her behaviors are much worse than whining and acting babyish, and occasionally hitting. I would push for the whole truth about her behaviors, so you will be better prepared.

Godd luck, and congratulations!

[JC10]

Keep in mind older siblings tend to take a parentified role w/ younger siblings. If you do adopt her, you may have a temporary struggle (as did we) as to your role as the mom & dad in the home and her role simply as a sister.

[eternaloptimist]

Hi,
It's a wonderful thing,to want to keep these sibs together. You wrote that she was/is dx with RAD. If you care to look at the Special Needs board,you will see that there are many parents of children with this dx. And, in my opinion,these people are very savvy about parenting these kids. Check it out ; hope this helps,and good luck with you new daughter ! Best, Elizabeth.

[straightblues]

My children, a sibling group of 3, have 6 other siblings. We have not been willing or able to reunite them all. We know where the others are, but several are still with family members who enable the birthparents to go on with their lives of drugs, no jobs, and criminal behavior. There was not much contact between my 3 and the others and they don't miss them or ask for them. They have a new life. Seeing siblings, who are scattered between three other families, drags them back to thier prior abused life. This happend prior to the TPR and it was very disruptive to my childrens lives.

I am only mentioning this becuase it sounds like your two don't really have much of a relationship with their older sister. I know you want to do what is right, and I fully commend that. Just realize, you have a duty to offer a safe, loving, free from chaos home to the two you have already been instrusted to your care. This should be the first priority when making this decision. Don't let your existing happy home and the lives of two other children be ruined by bringing a new disturbed child into it just because they are related.

What I would suggest is that you give this sister some sort of a trial living with you. For example, a month during the summer vacation period. A week during the Easter or Christmas school breaks. Then you could ***** her condition on your own and determine whether or not she can fit into your family. It would be wonderful if she did, almost fairytail like, but if she didn't you will have a chance to remove her from your home without a lot of explination to your children or her.

Whatever you do, good luck. These are the hardest choices we will ever make. I hope to God we make the right ones and believe me, I don't have all of the answers, just opinions.