[sunnyandi13]

Okay, you more experienced foster/adopt parents…help?! When did you encourage attachment in your foster children if they were foster/adopt? We have a placement right now of two siblings and I am so torn. You see, in spite of all they’ve been through, these two little ones are surprisingly “normal”, sweet, funny and at times even thoughtful. We feel so blessed to have them in our home. They’ve had a chance to attach to several biorelatives and we are in weekly (if not daily) contact with their birth aunt (a great lady who fully supports their placement with us). The social worker has stated that (of course) reunification is the goal right now, but from her tone of voice, other off-the-cuff / casual statements she has made and the birthparent(s) history, it leads me to believe these two little ones may eventually be TPR’d (not anytime soon, though). In fact, the caseworker was adamant when these two were placed that it be in a home willing to adopt them both.

Now, my problem… Over a year ago, we had a foster/adopt placement of a little girl who’s worker told me from the beginning that we should be prepared to adopt her. We threw our hearts and souls (and caution) into the wind and embraced this child as our own. When she was reunified (against all recommendations) it was devastating for everyone, including that little girl who didn’t understand why I couldn’t be her mommy forever.

These two are guarding their hearts, you can tell from their words and actions that they are so conflicted. They still feel some loyalty to their birthparents, but at the same time are old enough to know how bad it really was for them. They are really settling into our family and have stated they’d like to live with us for a long time. Part of me wants to just let go and love them without any thought of what might be. However, a small part of me is crying “no – you’re going to get hurt again!”. Yet at the same time, I see a slight need for some attachment parenting – but do I do this until I know we are going to be a forever family? Ugh! I never thought I would feel this way?! I’m already very fond of them and see how easily I could fall in love with them, but how fair is it to them (or me) to say “I love you” when I don’t know if they’ll stay or go? Don’t get me wrong, they get tons of affection from us – lots of hugs, cuddling, routine, shared times, etc. and even their aunt says they are doing well. We talk freely about their birthfamily, the things they’ve experienced, etc. but you can tell they’re holding back a little too – again, probably not wanting to love someone they might lose when they’ve already lost too much? What do I do? Go on and let myself fall in love with them and risk all of us getting hurt terribly, or do I maintain some separation and not worry about attachment and “love” statements until later?

Any advise from you seasoned foster/adopt parents (particularly those that have lost placements) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my ramble!!

[Momoflele&bernie]

well i tell my kids that i love them and they tell me that they love them, even thought i know its not their plan to stay with me. However every kid needs to hear that, so i enjoy my time with them, knowing that they might not never be mine. Its okay to get attached.....but be prepared to possibly let go..

[jackiesbooks]

I have lost 2 little girls that I was told that TPR would happen. I now have had a little boy for 15 months. I have told him I love him. We have also have talked about there is love enough for everyone in our lives. He has called my husband Daddy for months, but he does not know his father. He feels torn with me, since he sees his Mom every week. He states he doesn't want to go home, but wants weekly visits with his Mom.

[sunnyandi13]

Thanks, Mom and Jackie for responding! I guess I should clarify a little for more insight?

I do care for these little ones a great deal. Their birthfather is out of the picture and TPR on him is supposed to start within the next 2-3 months. Birthmom is just doing the bare minimum to keep the case dragging on (and it has been this way for several years as the kids have been in one other foster home and one kinship placement ). Bmom is under a no contact order, except for one-hour supervised visitation a week. We've talked about how we believe their parents do love them, but maybe didn't get the right attention when they themselves were kids to learn how to be a good parent and thus have made some bad choices. Is this a good way to explain it? I know these two kiddos feel safe and cared for with us, but how important are those words "I love you" to hear? We give hugs freely, snuggle, talk emotionally and spend good quality time together, etc., but for some reason, I haven't been able to let go and say "I love you". Although in asking about some of our past foster kids, I've told them that I love them each in their own unique way. Part of my heart is still guarded (based on past experience) and it kind of feels fake to say the words, knowing that I'm holding back a little... Also, there's this small part of me that thinks if I don't say it, it won't hurt as much (for them or me) if/when they leave? But yet in caring for them, I understand they need to know they're loved. Do they internalize good emotions (like affection) as much as they do perceived negativity (like guilt, etc.) based upon adult actions?

Hope I'm making sense and again thanks for any words of advice for me!

[tinatyme]

If you are agonizing over how important those words are to your emotional attachment, think about how important it is for the children to hear. I think overall actions speak louder than words, especially considering a lot of these children hear "I love you" from their bioparents followed by negative actions, but you are their primary caregiver right now and they need to hear it from you. I understand why you are guarded as I too have had children leave my home and be reunified with their parents, but it will not hurt any less if you don't say the words.

In fact, you just might regret later (if you do end up adopting them) not saying it earlier and more often. Foster care is a risk and forever is not guaranteed until the judge signs the adoption papers, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy today to the fullest.

I think foster parents may appreciate the time they spend with their children a little more than other parents because they realize what a gift today is and how it can all be taken away with a call from social services.

My advice - Love them as fully as you can while you have them!

Foster/Adopt Parent since 2004
Foster Mom (soon to be Adoptive Mom) to:
FD - D (22 months old)
Placed 11/18/04 (at 5 weeks old)
TPR granted 06/16/06
Waiting for Adoption date (hopefully soon)

Foster Mom (soon to be Adoptive Mom) to:
FS - J (2 years old)
Placed 06/30/06 (at 14 months old)
Waiting for TPR date

Foster Mom to:
FS - W (6 months old)
Placed 08/04/06 (New baby!)
Plan: Reunification

[texastanya]

Love them with all you've got.

If they are returned, it's going to hurt - no matter what.

If they stay, it will be that much more joyfull.

One thing we've figured out in our short 2 years of fostering, is that even if a child stays with us for a short time, we do have an effect on them.

For some, when you say it, may be the only time they ever hear "I love you".
For others they may not remember you saying it, but they remember that "mommy" said it when they were little.

Give them all you can, it may be the only time they are loved like they are the center of the world.

[bestkidsever]

You've gotten great advice...I agree with some of the others that you go ahead and say it...say it when you genuinely feel it. This may be the only time they see/experience healthy love, may be the only time that they experience someone telling them that they love them and actually showing them by meeting all their needs.

I had similar questions/concerns with my foster son when I didn't know if he'd return to his biomom or not. His therapist told me that if a child learns to form an attachment (even if that bond is broken/lost) he/she will then know how to form bonds/attachments which is necessary for healthy emotional development. I immediately thought of the old saying that goes something like "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". The therapist has always told me to treat him (and his sister) emotionally as if they would always be staying. They've been with me for 2 years and 10 months, all parental rights have been terminated and I've just started the adoption process...they're staying!!! And I can't imagine losing out on the last nearly three years of attachment time. What a loss that would have been for all of us.

I agree with an earlier post that losing them will be painful regardless of whether or not the words were spoken. And it sounds like your heart is already in the game...so there's no protecting yourself now! And that's the way I think it should be...as foster parents it is our responsibility to show our kids healthy love, normal attachment and boundaries, etc.

God Bless You and your family.

[sunnyandi13]

Thank you all so much for the perspectives you've given me - that's the reason I enjoy this board so much...

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning. As I was leaving with the kiddos, I hugged my husband and told him goodbye and "I love you"... then when I dropped the kids off at the sitter's house (someone they know and feel safe with) I saw the disappointment in my FD eye's when I told them goodbye, but couldn't yet say "I love you". How hard must that be on them hearing me tell my husband that and not hearing it from me to them?! Argh! I never meant to hurt their feelings, I've just got that old gut feeling that says their bfamily is somehow going to get them back and it has held me back from saying those words.

Now I wonder what is the "right time"? I've decided to put a note in their lunchboxes the first day of school (Tuesday) telling them how proud I am of them and how much fun they're going to have this year and signing it "with all my love".

Thanks again for understanding and the great advice...

[mommytoEli]

The more you love on and attach to these children, the better off they will be. It will break your heart, but we didn't become foster parents to help ourselves. We had to let go of 2 beautiful children when they were able to go home. It broke our hearts, but I am so glad that while they were here we said I love you, kissed them good night, cuddled with the preschooler and held the baby almost 24 hours a day. Their pics are all over our house, and we will never forget them. I would not be able to forgive myself if I had not allowed myself to fall in love with and bond with them in the short time they were here. We also had another baby that we took in at 16 hours old. He was only supposed to be with us for a week...then a month...then a few months...and now he is all mine! I am so glad I did not second guess throwing my whole heart and soul into him. Regardless of the outcome, fall in love with these kids. If they are older, tell them wherever they end up living, you will always love them and care about them.

[sunnyandi13]

Thanks to everyone for understanding where I was at. I have decided to live in the moment and treat them as if they're never leaving. It's a little hard, though, when we talk about future plans and one of them always feels the need to say "if we're still here". I finally told them, "Guys, you all are here as long as you need me. Until the judge and mommy agree that it's time for you to go home, you'll stay here with us." They're actually scared of being sent home - I honestly think if you asked them, they'd choose to stay with us, as long as they could see their mom every now and then.

Add in the fact that I've had several opportunities to demonstrate positive parenting and we're finally starting to develop some trust. They'll allow me to show them affection, but they haven't yet started seeking it out and/or returning it. I can see it in their eyes (my FD especially) that they want to let go and love us back, but they're so scared about the what-if's. And really, who can blame them?

I'm practicing some of the attachment techniques I've gleaned from the international adoption board (thank you angelkisses!), such as limiting their exposure to other caregivers (no respite for me yet ), meeting all their needs (even as simple as refilling their drink cups, making their dinner plates), etc. So they're starting to feel safe here and have started opening up about their history.

So, I just take each day as it comes, loving them the best I can and telling them they're loved.