[kxl164]

My husband and I are discussing whether or not to change our foster sons' names or not, and if we do what to?

We are keeping their first names the same, meaning they will be called by the name names as we have known them by and they have always used in our home.

My younger foster son has a nickname for a first, like Mikey (not his name). I would like to change his legal name from Mikey to Michael but continue to call him Mikey. Will this alone cause him problems? Or is it a nicer thing to do for him, give him a name that will work as an adult and not be perpetually childish. We will always call him Mikey, that will remain the same, but I would like to give him a more formal version of Michael for later in life.

My older foster son has 2 names already, one is the name on his brith certifiercate, and the other is the name that his birthparents changed it to later on. Which one is his name? If we legally change his name to one he goes by now will he resent that? Which holds more weight, which is more important, the legal one or the one in use? He knows both names.

Another issue is middle names. I would like to either keep their middle names that they have now and add a second middle name from our family or just give them a middle name for our family. I think having a family name would give them more of a sense of belonging to their new family, our birth chidlren have family middle names and now they will too. Is it better to add the second middle name or to change the middle name or should we just leave it alone completely?

My thoughts were to name our younger foster son with the more formal version of his current name as his legal first name, keep his current middle name and add a second family middle name.

For my older foster son I wanted to keep his origional legal name, add his current used first name as his new middle name (thereby giving it some legal status), and adding a family middle name.

I think that this will give them a piece of us as well and retain the ties to the birth family and lessen confusion for them since they will continue to be called by the same names.

Is this better, or should we just not do anything to their names at all? I really think since we have the option to give them new names reflective of their new families we should... make sure they know that both names are important to us and that they now have names from both sets of parents. That we both loved them enough to give them special names.

Am I just trying to justify wanting to change their names to be more like our family, am I forcing trying to get the to belong, or am I trying to give them a gift of a new family and a new name that is relfective of that?

We do not want to take away what they know or what their birthfamilies gave them, we just want to be a part of it too.

So it is being selfish or is is being thoughtful?

Any help would be greatly appreciated, if you think it is a good idea, bad idea, or anything in between I would really appreciate your input.

Thanks!

[healingfeeling]

how old are these children?

i think i would be peeved if i found out my name was changed....i'm an adult adoptee who was adopted by step-dad at age 5...they changed my last name at the time of the adoption.

[kxl164]

Both are under 3.


We don't plan on hiding the fact that thier names have been changes/altered, we mainly want to give them names that are both part of their birthparents and part of us.

[crick]

I think the adding to the names option is a great one. That way they'll have a connection to both families, bio & adoptive!

[healingfeeling]

well, won't their last name be part of you? Or could you add a second middle name. I'm not sure what religion you are, if you're Catholic they could chose something for their confirmation name.

Also, if "Mikey" wants to change his name when he gets older why not let him make that decision. My grandfather changed his name from Edmondo to Edmund when he was 18 because he didn't like the ethnic attachment and wanted to sound more american than italian.

[kxl164]

I am leaning towards adding the second middle name myself, I'm glad to hear someone else think that is not a bad idea.

Yes their last name would be a part of us, but that is more a legal standing, we wanted to add a personal name to their names. I don't see the last name as a personal connection, by law here given their age if we adopt them we have to change their last name to ours. It does not address the melding of past and present in my opinon.

Given our children's young ages I do not think they will mind the addition of a second middle name, nor do I honestly think they would miss the middle name they have now but we'd rather add than detract.

As for letting him decide later in life on the issue of "Mikey" I think that would be too late. I do think people's impressions of you are influenced by your name, whether conscious or not and I do not want him to be limited at all in life for having a nickname. Most people would consider it to be informal and therefore not take him as seriously, whether they would admit to it or not, or are even conscious of this bias or not.

Thanks for all of the advice though, I do like to hear all opinons.

[stevenstwin]

There was a LONG thread about this on one of the boards - thought it was this one -not too long ago. You might want to see if you can find it - very strong opinions on both sides! I'm in the definitely would not change the names camp, but there's lots of valid points for doing it as well.

[kxl164]

If anyone knows where that other post is I'd love to find it, I haven't had any luck so far.

For those of you who say to keep the names the same, what do I do about my older foster son then? Do I keep his legal name the same that it is now, or do I change it to the name that his family changed it to (in use only)?

I would ask him, but he barely speaks and doesn't call himself by a name. He has only ever once said his name, and when he did it was a combination of both fn's that he has. He said " I (legal name) (used name)". That is why I want to incorportate both names into his new legal name when we adopt him.

If I simply leave his name as it legally is now, that is changing his name since the name he goes by won't be in there at all.

If I change his name, even if it is to what he goes by now, then he loses his birth name.

So, saying I would leave the names as they are isn't really an option, in my opinion, for him since then he would lose out and maybe then have issues with his identity later on.

We are trying to do what is best for them, they are paramount in this decision, but they cannot speak for themselves, it just seems we are screwed no matter what we decide. We leave it alone and they could have issues because of that, we change things a bit and they could have issues with that, we add things and they could have issues with that....

I want what is best for them, what makes them feel a part of our family and that they have not lost their past either. Our older foster son has already lost his birth name when he's with his birthparents, but he hasn't with us, but still we will be the ones blamed later on if it doesn't feel right for him.

I just don't know...

[Amy2U]

I go by "Amy" on the forum, because that was my birth name! And in my heart, I am Amy. My family and friends that I've grown up with call me something else, but it's funny, I would scribble and sign my name, AmyC. on things in class or in my room. Like, I felt that was who I was, Amy C.!

(You'd almost think I have a split personality--don't worry, I don't. Just Amy means more to me than the name I have, considering my circumstances growing up.)

But, my adopted parents changed my name, and LAST WEEK, when I met my biological aunt for the first time, we were driving in the car, and she said, "Why did your adopted parents change your name?" She had a tear coming down her face, and she quickly wiped it away.

Another foster baby couldn't say Amy, so they changed my name.

My aunt told me, SHE and my birth mom named me after the song, "Amy" by the Pure Prairie League. She said that when they left the hospital, they listened to the song all the way home and for days afterwards and cried for weeks.

So, my AUNT was a little offended that my name was changed. But, to her I'll always be Amy. And to me, I'll always be Amy!!! She said that my birth mom, when the search agent called her back in '98 was a little surprised and put off that I was referred to by a different name.

Soo. . . I don't really have an opinion. I thought I'd share the opinion of my biological aunt and mom for you.

[Kate1129]

I know this is a huge and hot topic. I personally feel that it's up to the adoptive parents.

Our 2 children will get totally new names. FS is 5 years old and he wants a new name. FD is almost 3 and is doing great with her new name.

This is a very personal thing. You have to look at the dinamics of your family and how you feel and how the kids will/do feel. Since they are under 3 the transition will not be terribly hard. We did ours like this:

FD was 2 years old and let's say her name was Jane. We decided her name should be Sara. So you just call her SaraJane for a few months. Then you can drop the Jane part. It works out fine and there are thousands of kids who have adjusted to this (internaional adoptive parents do this majority of the time).

Our kids know their names are changing and they are fine with it. I have a life book for them with their birthnames in it. It's no secret and never will be. We have taken the position that they now have a new life so they can have a new name. Now if they would have been old enough and protested, we'd have found a compromise to the situation.

[jojobear]

We adopted our son at the age of three. he has been with us since he was 17 months old. He is now four. We left his first name alone, changed the middle name completely and added our last name. This is a child however who did not even know his first name when he came to us because no one ever talked to him. His birth mom never had custody of him. His birth dad thought he was a junior and called him that even though that wasn't even his name.

I don't see anything wrong with adding or changing a middle name. But a first name is something they learn early on. I would leave first names alone.

Just my two cents
Jody

[Happy123]

When we adopted our sons (age 4 and 2), they were still foster children and so we called them by their legal names. When we adopted them, I changed their middle and last names. It would have been to weird for me to just change the first name after calling them by their legal name for so long. BUT, when we picked up their newborn sibling, we changed the name completely. We had so much fun trying to come up with the perfect name in less than a week.

Happy123

[shycar]

I think if the child is young it should be up to the adoptive parents. It a new life why not start it with a new name. My son has not seen his b-mom in over 2 years, he came at one yr. He lived with his b-mom for three months of his life. He does not know who is his b-mom. To him we are and always been his mommy and daddy and I think its special that his mommy and daddy choose his name and not some stranger (becouse that is what his b-mom is). With Older children I think should be asked if they would want a new name. To them it is special and the people who gave them that name are not stranger, but people they love. With our baby we had her since 2 days old and she has seen her b-mom for about 4 times in 7 months. To her Im her mother and I think it more special her mother choose her name. Like I said its different with older children that have a relationship with their b-family and the name is special to them.

[Howdy]

My opinion is that you should change the names however you want, and if your decision doesn't find favor with your kids when they are older, they can change their names.

I couldn't stand my name (I'm not adopted, it was my name always) and I changed it (first and last) when I was in college, then later I changed it (first middle and last) again. I am still not happy with the last name but my daughter (who I adopted less than a year ago) is against us changing our last name, even tho before the adoption she claimed to dislike it. She told me she is used to it now.

My daughter was already 9 yrs old when I adopted her, and just as a matter of form I asked her if she wanted to change her first name. And at the time she said no. Since I expected that answer I didn't pursue it. Since then she realized she could have changed her first name and she claims I didn't ask her or she might have wanted to. I have to admit I asked her while she was jumping up and down on the trampoline, but I really didn't think she would want to at all.

[kxl164]

Thanks everyone,

I have read a few other threads with more opinions on both side and want to thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and personal feelings with me.

We have decided to change our older foster son's name to incorporate both names he goes by now, no decision on middle name/ 2 middles yet, probably going with 2 but either way we both agree that using both first names that he knows together is the best for him.

For our younger foster son, we have decided to go with the more formal version of his first name. We have talked to so many people who, although they wouldn't change their names now as an adult, wish they were given a more formal name from the start. Again no decision on middle names, but their first names are now "decided" on and we both feel much better about it.

So thanks again, this was such a process of not only finding the "right" name, but coming to accept that adoption does not heal all wounds.