[Stacy'n'Kids]

A-ha! "K", I found you here, too! And I think it's funny that we both have the same names here as we do on the other board! Glad I found you!

I have already given my opinion about this... And, as you know, we're going to change our DFS's full name. First, middle, and last when we adopt him.

I think it's great to get opinions, and definitely to look at it from all angles, but in the end it will be your decision. I have always wished my name was Anastacia, instead of plain old Stacy. I have even gone so far as to look into how much it would cost ($63) and how hard it would be (going to court and explaining why I wanted to change it). If you end up picking a name the kid doesn't like when he/she is older, then they can change it back! But giving them names that have meaning to you, and being able to explain to them how you came to the decision, should make them feel like you really loved them enough to think so hard about it!

Stacy

[kxl164]

Hi Stacey,

It is funny that we are both here too!

We are just still worried about doing the right thing for these kids and wanted to get as many opinions as possible! But our older foster child decided what he wants to be called for us, so that was actually easy.

[mj77]

I like the idea of putting the birth name as a middle and giving them their first name. My dh and I said if our kids are of age and really want to change their names to their birth names, that was their choice. Adopting though the state, we wanted new names for our children's safety.

[tinatyme]

My fd adoption date is supposed to be scheduled in the next month and we just had to complete the paperwork with the attorney requesting a name change along with the adoption. It was a hard decision but we decided to change her name completely. She will still have the same nickname so that there will be consistency, but the first, middle, and last names will change.

She is so young that I think it will be an easy transition (22 months) and we are starting a new life together so I think it is appropriate. Her birth mother (who was never a part of her life) had her own reasons, dreams, attachments to her current name that we don't have. I would not be able to explain to my child the origins, meanings, or stories behind her name and she would not have a special connection to my history and our family.

She will be named after my best friend and my grandmother and carry our family name and I think that is one of the best gifts I can give her at this time. If in the future she decides that she wants a different name or that I should have kept her birth name, we will have that conversation and I would let her know that as her mother I put a lot of time and thought into choosing her name and that I would hope she put as much thought and consideration into changing it.

Previous posts are right though. Each family is different and if she were older or had an ongoing connection to her birth family then it would be different. There is no right or wrong just what is best for your situation and family.

Foster/Adopt Parent since 2004
Foster Mom (soon to be Adoptive Mom) to:
FD - D (22 months old)
Placed 11/18/04 (at 5 weeks old)
TPR granted 06/16/06
Waiting for Adoption date (hopefully soon)

Foster Mom (soon to be Adoptive Mom) to:
FS - J (2 years old)
Placed 06/30/06 (at 14 months old)
Waiting for TPR date

Foster Mom to:
FS - W (6 months old)
Placed 08/04/06 (New baby!)
Plan: Reunification

[tjsjohanna]

Just to add our experience, our kids were 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 when they came to live with us. They obviously knew their first names and were familiar with last names - didn't really know their middle names. We really didn't consider changing anything but the last names. We felt like their names belonged to them, it was something they came to our family with. We certainly have pet names and nicknames - but our son resists going by the shortened form of his name, even though there is a relative in our family with his same name. There is something special about picking out a name for a child, but I also felt like our children already had identities and we needed to respect that. Fortunately, our son has a name that has meaning in our extended family, and girls in our extended family don't usually get "family" names, so they fit in quite well. Obviously every circumstance is different and some children are named by birth parents who come up with wild stuff. My personal philosophy - think about it, come up with a decision, pray about it - if you feel good about the decision, go for it.

[zebramom]

Here's my 2 cents. Listen to your kids.

Our son was 5 when he came. My husband is a 3rd, so T wanted to change his name and be a 4th. We actually discouraged this. He was in school, all the kids new him by his birth name, and he had siblings that all knew him by his birth name. He opted to take my husband's first and middle name as his middle names, and took our last name.

When our next son came at the age of 4, he was very "attached" to his name. I once called him by a shortened version of his name, and he was adamant that he did not like it, and only wanted to be called by the full version.

Our little girl came as an infant, and we did not keep any of her birth name. She never knew any different.

I understand about honoring the birth parents, but we compromised and respected our kids wishes, except for our youngest, but she wasn't old enough to voice an opinion. They always have the option of changing it later in life if they like.

[MamaTo6]

Our son came to us at 3 weeks old. Bmom was TPR/d when babe was 15 months old. We started the adoption and changed his name. This is how we did it. (all names are ficticious)

Birth name...John Steven Smith

New name....Michael John Steven Smith Jones.

This worked for us and babe was not confused at all. I hope he understands when he's older and is happy that we did not take anything away from his name but only added to his name.

[T-N-T]

I was named after "Joe Rockhead" a lesser known character on the Flintstones. It could have been worse my 3 and 4 year old sisters wanted to call me Barney!

Thanks Mom!

We have two boys both foster/adopted. Older one came to us at three and was adopted at five. His birth mother gave him the middle name of her favorite rock band. "RUSH."

Yes, we changed that.

We also changed his last name. He is our child. Although we weren't thrilled with her choice for first name either, we kept it, but now wish we had changed that as well.

Our youngest came to us at 18 months and was finally adopted at three. We changed his first name but used his original first name as a first middle
(ie. John Allen Doe Smith)

Names are powerful and they have meaning.

I think changing them depends greatly upon the child's age.

However if a child is going to be adopted into my family he will have my last name.

My parents adopted three of my mothers youngest brothers kids, long story, and they have a hyphenated last name.

Names give a child a sense of belonging and history.

We are very open with the boys about their past and that they were adopted.

Our youngest son does not want to be called by his old name because it reminds him of his abusive past.

"My name is not ....." he would will tell anyone who called him by his old name.

So its up to you as parent I feel. Its a great privledge to name a child and these Birth parents lost that right when they abused/neglected my children.

[Lylac]

We will be changing our new son's full name. The reason being is he was named after the guy that severely abused him. And after DNA testing it was proved that he wasn't his bdad, nor were the other 3 men that were later tested.

And I can't bear the thought of calling him that name day after day, for the rest of his life. And there are major safety issues with his bmom's family. He's 3 now, but developmentally he's between 6 months to 12 months. And doesn't even know his name.

Our daughter was 4 months old when she came to us, also severely abused. We kept her first name, and changed her middle and last. She had her bmom's first name as a middle name..and again, same story.

Neither of my kids bparents deserve to have a child , much less one named after them.

[kelly614]

My husband and I are really struggling with this issue. We have 3 foster kids that we are in the process of adopting. The youngest we will definitely be changin his name as he is named after bio dad. We brought him home from the hospital at 6 days old and have been pretty much calling him by his "new" name since he was a few months old (when it became obvious that reunification most likely would not happen).

Our other 2 foster kids are siblings and are 2 and 3. The 2 year old knows his name but doesn't say it. The 3 year old knows her name but on occassion expresses an interest in changing her name. There are 2 reasons why I think we should change their names. The first is because I know they are named after relatives. Although they were not abusive to the kids they certainly aren't role models. The other reason is because we don't want their bio mom to be able to contact them before they are 18. At one point we had a good relationship with her, so she knows our phone number (cell only) and where we live. However, she's left the state and I don't think she knows our address, just where the house is. She knows that we have at least one of the kids (they are part of a sibling group of 4) but not who or how many. However, she'll be able to track the kids down much more easily if we keep their first names and give them our last name. My husband is pretty set against changing their first names, but I truly worry about bio mom coming back into their lives in 5+ years after she has grown up and gotten it together.

[MomInAL]

Here is our story... we are in the process of adopting siblings - - a girl 16, and two boys 11 and 10. The 11 yo boy is a Jr. names after his bio dad, so we knew our preference was for his name to be changed, however, we left the decisions up to the kids since they were older. We told them when they were adopted they would get a new last name. The boys both chose to change their first and middle names. We "helped" narrow down the list and then they picked them out. The girl is keeping her first name, but changing her middle and last name. Again, totally her choice.

TPR was Feb 06. The boys had their new names picked out before school let out, and we started calling them by their new names over the summer. The school has allowed them to start school using their new names in class even though our adoption won't be finalized for a few more weeks. Even their sister has adjusted to calling them by their new names and they are both very proud of their names too - I think because they had a part in choosing them!

On a side note - they are both playing PeeWee football and just this week got their jerseys with their new last name on them! They were both excited about that too!

MomInAL
Married to DH for 20 years!
DD 18, DD 16, FD 16, FS 11, FS 10 (soon to be adopted)

[straightblues]

We signed adoption papers with the new names just yesterday. We finalized the new names just last week.

Our children have a super violent birth father. We had no choice but to change names to protect them. What we did is gave them new first and last names. We used their old first names as their new middle names and will continue to use them as their main names.

The new first names all have three letters. So when they fill out paper work it will be easy for them to sign. The children (2, 7, and 8) were fine with it and were happy they would be protected. The 8 year old helped pick her name. We gave the 7 year old two choices. He didn't really care and of course the 2 year old didn't care. In fact, in the days following the decision, the two older children have already asked if we could start calling them by their new first names. We said no not right now but maybe latter.

[Stacy'n'Kids]

Isn't it so hard??? We have had our foster son for 9 months now, and we have DEFINITELY decided to change his name... But I still have doubts and wonder it it's the right thing to do. I mean, his name was fine. It actually suits him, although it's not a name I'm particularly fond of. But just that he was named after his birth father, the bio father who never had ANY interest in him and defaulted due to not showing up for TPR hearing... Why should this little guy who will be OUR son be named after that man??? We've given him a name that has meaning to US. He will be OUR son, and my husband will be the only dad he's known. So... Yes, we'll change his name. But do I feel like it's the right thing??? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

[mj77]

I wrote a short article on this called Changing Your Child's Name. I kind of gave a summary of my feelings on this thread, but go into more detail in my blog.

[kxl164]

I really appreciate everyone's different opinions on this!

Our older foster son has been calling himself by both of this first names more and more, we didn't start it- he did. The CW said it was fine to use both since they are both his names and he is much happier now that we are using both names and he is actually calling himself by name (both names) much more!

I feel such a relief that he told us what he wanted, we were so worried about what was right, and here was a little boy who can barely speak telling us what he wants to be called. And the change that is has made in him is great too, he seems more confident now too.

We don't know if we will be able to adopt them, and I can only hope that the birthfamily respects what our son wants, in terms of his name, if reunification happens. He wants both names, it is the only way he has referred to himself and the whole reason why we were questioning what to call him in the first place.

I love hearing what everyone else did too so thanks!