[ladybugqueen]

We go to court tomorrow afternoon to finalize the adoption! We are throwing a very large party on Saturday to celebrate & plan to take our first "family vacation" soon.


Now...here's my question. In my state, there is no legal "open adoption". The girls bmom voluntarily signed for TPR in November & the bdads were never in the picture, so the judge finalized TPR for them recently. There is a history of all types of substance abuse, domestic abuse, family instability, etc. with bmom, so she is inconsistant w/when she wants (or shows up) for visits. She has recently been wanting to visit them like every other weekend, which is WAY more than the girls can handle. I've told her & even one of the girls told her that it's too soon to visit again & her response was "OK...I'll call back in a couple days". How do we handle this? The girls & I have talked...the younger child (9) wants a visit 2-3 times a year...the older child (11) wants to visit every 3-4 months. Different CW's I work with have suggested 1-2 times a year. I'm open to whatever is best for the girls, but I guess I'd like some opinions on frequency of visits; how to approach bmom & tell her not to call the house every week; etc. ??????????

[bromanchik]

I would follow the girls lead on this. You might want to explore why they want fewer visits. It could be that they are feeling pulled between two families and want to "settle in" now that they are legally adopted.

[loomistunes]

CONGRATS ON THE ADOPTION I would also follow the girls lead and let them know that you are there parent and would never make them visit the Bmom if it ever becomes uncomfortable.. I think you all need this time to settle in as a family!! Normal Family life,, I can not wait!! When the adoption is final with our daughter and our family is complete I can not Wait to then live a NORMAL life!!!Jen

[ladybugqueen]

The youngest daughter said to me last week "Can't we just tell F** that we are your daughters now & to just leave us alone?". I told her legally, yes we could but their bmom made a hard decision & probably misses them and I reassured them that it's okay if they miss her too...after all, she was "mom" for 9 & 11 years, even though they were in & out of foster care a lot. I told her to think about what she really wants to do & let me know. (We also talked about it's okay to be angry w/bmom, but it's also okay to forgive her for her mistakes & having to let them go, etc.) Later that week, she said she thought about it (she REALLY processes well for her age) and probably 2-3 times a year. ??? I can't wait to have this conversation w/the bmom...I don't like confrontation or hurting feelings and I imagine there will be both! Oh well...I'd walk to the end of the earth for these precious girls, so I'll jump out of my comfort zone!

[DianeScraps]

Ladybugqueen-

I don't have any answers - but I wanted to let you know I TOTALLY understand. We finalized last week and our 8 & 5 yr olds are dealing with the same issues.

Diane

[bromanchik]

I think you handled it very well. The other thing that you are going to need to do is to make sure that the birthmom is really clear that it is not ok to pressure the girls for more visits. I think that needs to be stated.

[ladybugqueen]

Thanks...it's nice knowing I'm not alone!

[ladybugqueen]

Oops...I left off my "Congrats" on your adoption last week!!

[jen1mac]

We have an open adoption agreement with 2 visits per year and if she misses 2 visits in a row the agreement is null and void. She has already missed the 2. I am still in contact with other birthfamily members and I told them I would still be open to her seeing our daughter but still just the 2 visits if not just 1. It's hard because your kids need to see you as totally their mom now so you want to set some boundaries with the birthmom. I will be praying for you as you make the decision. Also,congrats on the adoption!

[Kate1129]

I personally would compromise with the girls. One wants 3 -4 times a year the other wants 1 -2 times, I'd say 2-3 visits a year. Then I'd let the bmom know that if she is a "no-show" for the first visit, then it cancels out visit #2. More or less tell her she skips one, you cancel the next one. The worst thing for the kids is when they are let down. It's hard for them to understand and kids by nature internalise everything and will find a way to blame themselves. I feel it's my job to protect my kids from those feelings.

[ladybugqueen]

Great ideas!

Originally Posted by Kate1129

I personally would compromise with the girls. One wants 3 -4 times a year the other wants 1 -2 times, I'd say 2-3 visits a year. Then I'd let the bmom know that if she is a "no-show" for the first visit, then it cancels out visit #2. More or less tell her she skips one, you cancel the next one. The worst thing for the kids is when they are let down. It's hard for them to understand and kids by nature internalise everything and will find a way to blame themselves. I feel it's my job to protect my kids from those feelings.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We have legal and enforcable open adoption, and our agreement was set by the department. We have 2 visits a year. I know the one thing I was told is it is easier to open a door later when you feel more comfortable than to try to close a door that has already been opened. That being said, I would start with whatever YOU feel comfortable with and feel your children can handle. Later, should things feel different, you can ammend the visits. I know we are dealing with boundaries with our b-gma who wants to just up and take Bear for a few hours. She is OUT of her mind!! As it is, our agreement is with her DAUGHTER, but we have been kind enough to hold true to the agreement with her during this time that her daughter (b-mom) is in rehab.

Some of these families have no idea what limits or restrictions are all about, and we are often the first people who enforce them. They also feel that once the state is no longer involved that we will have this great open relationship where they will come over for Sunday dinner and we will all socialize. Boundaries become a harsh, but necessary reality.

Best of luck to you, and CONGRATS!!! Bless you and your family during this amazing time!

[ladybugqueen]

I'm glad to hear that!! The BMom I'm working with does that same thing...suddenly she wants us all to go to the park, go to dinner, go to the movies, go to parties as some weird extended family. None of us are comfortable with that...

I'm thinking 2-3 visits a year will be what we do...I just dread that conversation.

[Howdy]

If you have a therapist for the family they might have some suggestions. My daughter's therapist said she'd be best with no contact at all, not only until she is 18 but to make it clear to her that she does not need to have contact with them after she is 18 either.

I let her have contact with other bfamily if they seem safe, but some that appear safe turn out not to be very safe, either themselves or because they want to allow contact with the bparents. And then a few times when my dd has divulged to her brelatives some of the reasons why there shouldn't be contact, they tell her she is making it up!

I think it is a complicated act to balance the contact.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by ladybugqueen

We go to court tomorrow afternoon to finalize the adoption! We are throwing a very large party on Saturday to celebrate & plan to take our first "family vacation" soon.


Now...here's my question. In my state, there is no legal "open adoption". The girls bmom voluntarily signed for TPR in November & the bdads were never in the picture, so the judge finalized TPR for them recently. There is a history of all types of substance abuse, domestic abuse, family instability, etc. with bmom, so she is inconsistant w/when she wants (or shows up) for visits. She has recently been wanting to visit them like every other weekend, which is WAY more than the girls can handle. I've told her & even one of the girls told her that it's too soon to visit again & her response was "OK...I'll call back in a couple days". How do we handle this? The girls & I have talked...the younger child (9) wants a visit 2-3 times a year...the older child (11) wants to visit every 3-4 months. Different CW's I work with have suggested 1-2 times a year. I'm open to whatever is best for the girls, but I guess I'd like some opinions on frequency of visits; how to approach bmom & tell her not to call the house every week; etc. ??????????

I've not adopted yet, but I can tell you how I'd handle it if I were in your shoes.

I'd most definately follow the girls lead and let them visit 3 times a year. If the girls would like to talk to her on the phone occassionally, (and of course, if you think it's healthy) I'd consider that as well. BUT I'd make sure the girls AND birthmom knew the schedule and that YOU decided it, (so that neither the girls or their birthmom thinks they had any control over it). That way the girls don't have to feel guilty about saying "no, birthmom, I don't want to see you now." and the birthmom doesn't think she can control the girls lives. I'd make the rules very clear (must show up alone, and sober, must be on time or call to cancel PRIOR to appt. etc.)

I hate confrontation also...I'd get my husband to tell her or at least be with me. He's the best support system I have!

That's just how I'd handle it. (Can you tell I've been giving this some thought?lol I'm a future foster-adoptee hopeful.)

Some of you ladies have given me new food for thought though. I always pictured us being willing to be relatively close to the birth family (even to the point of inviting them to the birthday parties, etc.), if they were safe an our <potentially> adopted children wanted to continue a relationship.